Death in the family etiquette

[Gorechick]

My BIL's father died and we live away so we cannot attend the funeral. When my sister messaged me I asked her to share our condolences with my BIL and her family. Is it stupid to send my BIL, sister, and kids a card? In lieu of flowers I will make a donation to the hospice suggested and wanted to put that on the card as well. Thoughts?

 

[bankgirl05]

My BIL's father died and we live away so we cannot attend the funeral. When my sister messaged me I asked her to share our condolences with my BIL and her family. Is it stupid to send my BIL, sister, and kids a card? In lieu of flowers I will make a donation to the hospice suggested and wanted to put that on the card as well. Thoughts?

I don't think it's stupid at all, when my FIL died it was the cards we recieved from people far away in the days and weeks afterward that reminded DH how widespread our support and love really is. In this day and age people randomly take that few extra minutes to buy and send a card, it's usually at best, just a phone call or email, and at worst a text message!!!! I am not even 40 yet and hate the decline of the personal, heartfelt message.

Send the card, with the note of the donation. It really will mean a lot.

 

[Allison]

What would make you think it is stupid to send a card to family members who have lost someone?

 

[Pesky]

That's what I did for my SIL. It's fine.

 

[Missy13d69]

Sending a card is a great idea. I wouldn't mention the donation to the hospice in the card though, that seems a tad tacky to me. You could mention that to your sister in passing while on the phone with her.

 

[Gorechick]

Thanks for the replies. I didn't send flowers for the funeral, that's why I wanted to add about the donation. The obituary said in lieu of flowers to make a donation. I do not handle deaths well, had exposure at an early age losing a favorite aunt and my father in my teens. I just want to extend my sympathy in an understated way.

 

[bigbabyblues]

When my grandma died, the charity we requested donations to sent us a list of the names of the donors.

 

[MarineVet]

A card is a personal touch, by all means send one. It says you took the time to select it, sign it, address it and mail it; a rare thing in this era of electronic communications. I'm sure it would be appreciated. As a PP said, the charity will notify the family of your donation a little later.

 

[ToddyLu]

Hospice will notify the family of the donation as long as you give them a specific name. I am sorry for your family's loss.

 

[bumbershoot]

What would make you think it is stupid to send a card to family members who have lost someone?

If you've never done it, or never received a card after a loss like that, you might simply have no idea if it's done or not.

I never had a single clue about it until cards started pouring in after my mom's death. Then I realized that each card was like a blanket or a hug. A little voice whispering that you are loved, that your loved one was loved, and that they are not forgotten. That the world might keep on turning, but someone knows that you are hurting.

If you've never experienced that, you just might not know.



OP, send it. And never be afraid to share with them that you're thinking of him. Even years later it makes me smile when someone tells me that they were just thinking of my mom.

 

[MN Disneyfan]

A card is a really thoughtful thing to send. My Dad died 4 months ago and was nice reading the cards and the handwritten messages. My Mom kept all the cards and I know she pulls them out to reread when having a difficult day.

 

[Gorechick]

I wasn't sure if it was awkward sending the card to my immedate family, you know?

 

[Kbendig]

First off I am sorry for your family's loss.

Secondly, it's not awkward at all. After my twins died I was in a huge fog, I couldn't tell you who came to see me or was at the funeral. It was those cards that helped me later on, even from immediate family. I was able to use those to help remind me that I had support even when I didn't want to talk. So definitely send it, you never know when they might need a reminder at 3 am that they are not alone.

 

[bigbabyblues]

I wasn't sure if it was awkward sending the card to my immedate family, you know?

I don't think so at all, especially since you don't live close. I'm sorry for you family's loss.