Dear Abby got it wrong!

[ohanafamily]

Hi all, I got an e-mail from a jewelry company that I thought you might all like to read.

There is a link to a CBS article that features a book your DF might want a copy of (to know how bad some brides get)

My view, I agree with Abby, the guy sounds like a real jerk, but I disagree about the girls coming in with the BF.

Dear Abby got it Wrong!
By Jeff Unger

The following is from the Dear Abby column this past weekend:

“Give Thanks for Ring Ruckus”



“DEAR ABBY: "Jake" and I have been together for five years. He finally proposed last summer. Well, I made a mistake and complained about the ring he'd bought. He took it back, but still agreed to marry me -- without the ring.

I have apologized to Jake every day since for what I said, but we are now split up. (We still talk and see each other once or twice a week.) Abby, Jake refuses to forgive me and make up. I spend all my time alone while he goes hunting with his friends or out drinking with them. I'm tired of not being forgiven. I know what I did was wrong. How long can you say, "I'm sorry"? -- BROKENHEARTED IN ALABAMA

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DEAR BROKENHEARTED: If you have apologized every day since last summer and it has fallen on deaf ears, you can apologize until the cows come home and it will get you nowhere. Please step back and take another look at this situation.

Most men take their fiancées with them when they purchase an engagement ring, so she can select something she likes. You were tactless to complain about the ring he bought, but it wasn't a cardinal sin.

Recognize that Jake is enjoying punishing you -- and the hunting and drinking with his friends would have happened after your marriage regardless. Jake has done you an enormous favor by showing you how self-centered and unforgiving he is. Please be smart, realize that you have dodged a bullet, stop apologizing and run for the hills.”

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He then asks us (other jewelers) these questions:

Ok, WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO ROMANCE, TO SURPRISE, TO GETTING ON THE KNEE AND PROPOSING? What about saying THANK YOU for getting a gift?


As retailers on the front lines, I want your opinion. I plan on sending a response to Dear Abby after I get your responses. If you also have a great story about a return and a “BRIDEZILLA” please let me know. Please forward your answers to the following questions:

1. How many times has a guy brought back a diamond into your store after hearing it was two small or she didn’t like it?

2. Would you like to work with the couple of just the groom?

3. How many times has that relationship above worked out?

4. Who’s at fault in the above situation, the guy or the girl?

Finally, here is the start of the article "Hook" It is a link to a book review about the worst bride possible

Beware Of The 'Bridezilla Syndrome'

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(AP) (CBS) If you've ever received a wedding invitation that includes a deposit slip to the couple's bank account or if you've been a bridesmaid and were asked to go on a diet for the big day, you've probably been in contact with a "Bridezilla." Author and etiquette expert Gail Dunson, who goes by pen name, Noe Spaemme, has written a book about this scary new breed of brides roaming the earth and she's got some advice for the newly engaged on how to avoid becoming a Bridezilla.

Click here to read the article

 

[pintradingwedding]

if a guy picks out even the ugliest ring, but does it out of love, i say you accept it in the spirit it was intended. then maybe go get a second ring that you like better down the road and you can switch off

but as for the dear abby letter, that guy sounds like a TOTAL JERK and she's LUCKY if she doesn't wind up marrying him!!!

 

[NeverlandClub23]

My DH2B's best friend got married to a Bridezilla last summer. He's a rookie firefighter and doesn't make a lot of money and she thinks she's the princess of America. They were together a little over a year and he bought her a small but nice engagement ring. He proposed and she said yes but told him she wanted a bigger ring. They broke up and got back together a few months later when he proposed again with a $10,000 ring. Now they're married and she gets to feel the pressures of having not a lot of money and having a $10,000 ring on a credit card to pay off.

I don't think the couple in the article need to be together. He obviously is not too concerned with how she feels by running around with his friends and having a good ol' time and she's not very grateful for getting a ring at all in the first place. I think that they both have a lot of growing up to do before they get married.

My first fiance and I went ring shopping and picked out the "perfect" ring and he proposed. Our relationship didn't work out but I told myself if I ever got to the point in a relationship where I was considering marriage again that I would not go ring shopping as that took a lot of the romance and surprise out of the first engagement.

I am a thousand times happier with my new ring as my DH2B picked it out himself and it came from the heart. No price tag can ever match that feeling.

 

[ohanafamily]

It is funny, I have a few very wealthy customers who gave their son's "Momma's first engagement stone. They can always upgrade, but what says parental aproval more. I have even remounted a few Grandma's diamonds (OK, most of the time it is out of a piece of Grandma's jewelry, but occasionally we do the actual ring Grandpa gave to Grams, and what Daddy Gave to Mommy; that has a special power to it. Of course if they break up, we usually find a way to get the stone back...

Oh well, I apreciate the comments so far, Keep'em coming...

 

[sarahknowles]

I'm not crazy about my ring either, but I would NEVER say anything. He got the best he could afford right now, and even mentioned wanting to upgrade to a nicer ring in the future. All that matters to me is that we're getting married! My grandfather bought my grandma's first ring from the old five and dime store when they got married. They were young, poor, and in love. After a lifetime together they accumulated plenty of material things and she got a much nicer ring, but she still tells that story like it's the most romantic thing that ever happened. Wow, it just amazes me how some women are more concerned about a ring than they are about their actual marriage. When did this become OK?!

 

[Ember]

Okay, I am going to be in the minority here. There is a huge difference between saying that the ring isn't good enough and saying that you don't care for the style.

I'm sorry, but I feel that jewelery is very personal and that when personal taste comes into play there is nothing wrong with having different tastes then your husband. I wouldn't wear shoes or clothes I didn't like, and I wouldn't have worn a ring I didn't like. And I don't think this makes me a bad person.

An engagement ring is generally the single most expensive piece of jewelery you will own and I see no point to spending all that money for something you don't like. A gift is given in order to make the recipient happy and it's the thought behind the gift that matters most. I have never had a problem with someone exchanging a gift. I would rather them love it then not simply to flatter my pride. Their happiness was the point of the gift, after all.

When we talked about getting engaged he wanted me to love and adore my engagement ring. He wanted my eyes to light up every time I looked at it. So we choose it together. Had he chosen on his own and the style of the ring been not my taste he would have wanted me to tell him so we could have found one that I loved. It wasn't a matter of money and would have had nothing to do with the size of the diamond. Honestly having differing tastes does not make you a bad person, it makes you human.

 

[ohanafamily]

From the original letter, we do not know why she complained.

From my experience, the male usually has been told what she wants, but she wants the romance and the suprize. There is no clear cut answer, but DA is incorrect in that 90% of my customers come in WITHOUT the girl.

It is my job to figure out what she wants. A lot of times they have been to a mall shopping and she has hinted. Also, there is a good friend of hers that knows them both and is trustworthy with the secret.

Having said all this, when I proposed I brought a brochure home from work and asked if she liked the styling. I tried to cover it with a (very) weak this is a new line we are carrying , do you like the style...At that point I was dead in the water, so I gave her the wrong date. I told her that I couldn't propose until my birthday after 2:30PM. I gave her a great reason for this. I actually proposed a month earlier than she thought. She had been so convinced I was just going to hand the ring to her at 2:31PM on my birthday and say "Here, You can wear it now!" (OK, I had a lot of fun with it). I actually did a Disney Engagement, Here is a link to the rest of my engagement story...

Back to my original point, we don't know what was said and how tacky her response was. Jake may have realized that the girl was a she-*****-from-hell and wanted out of the relationship by being a jerk. The opposite is what most of us tend to think that he was a jerk to begin with. We also don't know the rest of their relationship. Being a jeweler one must be part marriage counselor.

 

[mandy7581]

My fiance picked out the ring all on his own and completely surprised me when he proposed. I would not have wanted him to do it any other way. It was perfect .

 

[JandJ]

I read that Dear Abby article too and wondered, did she complain that the ring wasn't her style, like it was just ugly to her, or did she complain that the diamond wasn't good enough? There's a big difference. I do think, though, that her DF should get over it and is just punishing her for the sport of it at this point.

When DH and I discussed marriage I told him I'd take my Gram's ring, which the diamond in the ring was my Great-Grandmother's. He saw the ring and said no, he wanted to get me something "nicer" (his words). He knew I liked simple engagement rings and he chose it all on his own - it's gorgeous and I love it!! I never expected such a gorgeous ring!! He did really well on his own and like NeverlandClub23 said, the surprise of him having the ring made the proposal even more romantic My BFF just got engaged and seemed disappointed in the ring. It's a shame because it's a very pretty ring and her DF put a lot of thought into it and I don't think she told him what she wanted or expected.

 

[disneybride2007]

I prefer being surprised. In fact, I had no idea that dh was going to propose. He came home after work, everything was normal. I was watching tv and never noticed he was on one knee, in front of me. Just as I was going to ask him to move, so I can see what was on 'Oprah' ...he took out the box and asked me to marry him. How could I not say YES

BTW, this wasn't a very expensive ring. We had just finished college and gotten jobs, so we were flat broke. On our third anniversary, he surprised me with a 2.25ct. Asscher Diamond Ring, in a Platinum Setting- can you say jaw dropping That's when, he told me I should start planning the wedding of our dreams. Our choice for Disney was a no-brainer, it's where we have spent some of the happiest times of our lives, it's a part of us and in some strange way, it has helped define us as a couple, everytime we return it seems our marriage is filled with joy, even more than the time before

We always do something for US, while ds is at one of the Children's Activity Centers. On our last vacation, we sat in the upstairs area of the concierge section, at the Poly, had a couple of desserts and drinks and watched 'Wishes'

Oh yeah, I almost forgot to mention that I still wear my first ring. In fact, I wear with my new one. When I put them on, I always put my original ring on first because that's one closest to my heart. I think it's because he loved me when we had nothing, so it means so much more that I know he sacrificed his last dime to buy this ring, eventhough, it was only a few hundred dollars.

 

[ohanafamily]

disneybride2007, that is a great story, and if you don't mind a quote from Disney's Robin Hood: "You can NEVERgive more than your last farthing. I am sooooo glad everything worked out for you.

JandJ, That is sad about your friend, It is a problem with people in our industry. We know the difference in the quality, so we tend to give a smaller better quality stone. The problem is that "Size Matters" There are many times we hear that on the second diamond the quality drops and the size goes up.

mandy7581, Your's is the way it is supposed to work.

sarahknowles, We actually made ring in the shape of a Cigar band. Evidently, when he proposed it was so spur of the moment that he used a cigar band. And THAT is what she wanted. They actually did buy a nice wedding set, but she was married in the Cigar Band ring.

Ember, We get a fair amount of girls with the man, but it is a whole lot more common that they will subtly tell him what she wants. It is more common than I like to admit that he comes in with an ultimatum, buy me a ring or TTFN. (Most of those times they won't admit it.) I even get the occasional "Go pick out what you want and call me. Of course usually they come by to see the ring before we deliver it...

NeverlandClub23, I try very hard to not sell on credit. If I get a couple that can't afford the big ring, I usually sell them a less expensive ring. Not everyone takes my advice, but I try not to sell people into debt. That is what the credit stores do. They sell you a ring for a high profit, get you to pay more than they have in it in advance, and stick you with payments for the rest of your life... In my industry, the only super high margins are in the credit stores.

pintradingwedding, I think he is a jerk too. I think the torture is a little much...

Thanks again, Keep your comments coming.

 

[PrincessBride07]

Hey all,
First I want to say OHANAFAMILY, I am glad that there is someone like you that is more concerned with making sure that someone gets the best value for there dollar (no matter how much or how little it may be) than just trying to make the sale.
Anyways, I picked my ring out myself, and even had to have it placed on layaway. (Let me explain this part....I was working in FL at the time, and he was coming down to visit me. The ring was on sale, but the sale ended a week before he was to arrive. By placing the ring in layaway, I was able to keep the sale price. Also I told him that we did not have to buy that ring, if he didn't like it.) When my DF purposed to me, he was unable to get a ring for me. He was going to buy me one the next time we met up. He is glad that it worked this way. He described to me the rings he was looking at, and I told him that I liked the one I chose better. He was going for one big diamond, and I chose a ring with several smaller diamonds. He is happy with the ring, because I am happy with it.
I also know several women who picked there own engagement rings. Everyone of them were already purposed to, but the guys did not have a ring. Most of these guys where wanting to get there girls the "perfect" ring they would love. Instead of buying something they may not like, they waited and went together to buy it.
Either way you receive your ring, it is the perfect ring. It is the intention of the gift. The ring is not what matters anyways.

 

[ohanafamily]

PrincessBride07, I am glad you got the ring you love. I usually guide the man to a single stone on a solitaire. It is the best value. There is a lot of labor and markup on the cluster type rings, and if you ever wanted to trade it in (not that you would) the value isn't there. I like to view the diamond as the central promise. You want a quality that there is nothing visible without magnification, and without too much yellow. If price is an extreme issue, I will try to find one with just a little spot (that drops the price a whole lot) Usually, if the budget is really limited then he can justify a much bigger stone with just a little flaw* (*Ok, this doesn't apply to Dr.'s, Engineers and Bible Students...Purity wins out on those fronts).

I am lucky to work at a place where we don't have commission, and we can take the time to educate people. I am known as Disney crazy, and a romantic. As a result, I usually get the clients that have super low budgets and that the money is more important (I have someone who teaches Evangelism that brings me kids who have $1500 that was all of their savings. To these students that money means more than someone who is already established. When they compare what I get for them to the stuff in the malls, they are usually verry happy. These aren't a profit center, but I always feel better when I can share in the joy.

I also have a reputation for breaking up people I think won't last. I once spent 15 minutes chewing out a girl who was marrying a policeman who was just graduating the academy. I told her that this is one profession where the more you love him the harder it is. Imagine all of the nights at home while he is working nights..... She thanked me and told me that she loved him. She appreciated my concern, but I love him. They are still happily married and she has been known to quote me to some of her friend saying that My counseling helper her go into the marriage with her eyes open. She once told me that whenever she is feeling neglected by her husband that she thinks about my little rant. (Police have a very high divorce rate) I digress...

After a few years you get a feel for what will last and what won't. Love really does blind people. Again, I like to steer people in the right direction.

Thanks again for your comments, keep'em coming.

 

[tesseract]

After reading through these posts I felt compelled to write in agreement with Ember's comments about style. For instance, shouldn't the guy recognize if she doesn't wear gold jewelry or note a preference for contemporary/antique styles?

Remember Carrie's reaction on Sex in the City when Aiden picked out the pear shaped diamond? Sorry, but it happens and if the guy isn't smart enough to get the clues before he buys the ring I think the woman has every right to say something.

No matter how much you want the surprise if you get an ugly ring you'll still harbor some resentment. Sort of a catch 22, but advice to Ohanafamily, when you're asking the guys what type of ring she wants I don't think its bad to ask them about bringing her in for a visit.

For the record I'm not a bridezilla I actually opted for the family heirloom rather than the Tiffany ring he wanted to buy. However, I know myself well enough that if I had gotten pear shape instead of princess cut I would have had to live with major disapointment...

 

[ohanafamily]

Dearest Tesseract; , There are times (and individuals) when you just know that the girl should be present. Most of the time when she has specific requirements for a ring, HE is well aware of what she wants. Once again, I have found that most guys want to suprize the girl. Simple, and romantic. A lot of the times men need a little help in the planning. My first question is White Gold, Yellow Gold, or Platinum. If they don't know the answer, I give them a list of things to look for. I ask if there is a girlfriend that they can trust, or a picture of most of her jewelry. I then focus on a solitaire ring on a 2.5mm band. If she doesn't want that, he is usually aware of that. If he has no clue, I let him know (tactfully) that there are a lot of options and they might want to go to a mall and casually walk into a jewelry store and take notes... Given the oportunty, a girl will gravitate to what she likes.

Thanks for your input... I hope you don't mind that I disagree that it is preferable to bring the girl with; I think that there are cases when she needs to be present, but they are few and far between. JMHO.

 

[purplegirl247]

My fiance and I had talked about getting married and I was even planning the wedding before he gave me the ring. We had discussed him giving me a "token ring" (like the cigar band or a $10 cheapie ring or whatever) and then the two of us going later to pick the ring. In my case, it was (1) because I wanted to have a hand in picking a wedding SET, not just the engagement ring, like the kind that already wrap together or whatever and (2) I know that I am the frugal one and he is not and I was afraid he would get talked into a ridiculously expensive ring.

In the end, he ended up doing things his way and got me an adorable amethyst ring (I'm not a fan of diamonds, so he WAS paying attention!) with the stones in the shape of a Mickey head. I love it as a ring, but it IS posing a problem with the wedding band. I have some diamonds that my grandmother gave me, so I was going to have them set in a band for sentimental purposes, but it's going to look funny with the ring he picked out.

In conclusion, I really think it's up to the individual. If a woman has been thinking about this for awhile and has something in mind, regardless of how nice the actual ring is, if she didn't have a say in it, she's going to be a little disappointed. Like Ember said, this is a huge investment, and you're going to wear it forever, so to me it makes sense in that case for her to want to be there. Plus, I thought picking out the ring would have been romantic and exciting in and of itself, and we sort of missed that step. I really love the ring I have, but I would've loved it more if I could've participated!

 

[ohanafamily]

purplegirl247; , as I said earlier each is different. We also take a lot of the Solitaires and put the stones into weding sets.

Amethyst is a very beautiful stone. In addition to being February's birthstone did you know that it has the mythological power of keeping the wearer from being intoxicated. The lore is one of my favorite stories. It has pouncing tigers, Drunken Debauchery and last minutes saves. In the end, the tears Dionysus mixed with his drink. He was so upset he spilled the mixture on the crystals that Dianna turned a young maiden into thus imbueing them with this power and purple color...

But then again, I have always liked Amethyst.. A word of caution, Amethist is still Quartz, and not as scratch resistant as a lot of other gemstones. You should be aware of this and "wear the ring like a lady".

 

[j_lehr]

My fiancee asked me several months before he proposed to give him ideas about what I liked. I sent him a few pictures by e mail - of settings. We already lived together and had talked about getting married...we knew we were getting married, it was just a matter of him proposing and us actually planning the wedding. In Dec, the day we left for Disney, he proposed. The ring was one of the ones I sent to him. He picked the diamond out himself. I LOVE my ring. It's .75 carots and the quality is really good. He actually said that he could have gotten it bigger but the quality would have been less and that was more important to him. I wouldn't change a thing!

 

[ohanafamily]

GREAT! j_lehr , How did he propose (if you don't mind me asking?

BTW, Beautiful ring!!!!!!!, Do I see a couple of Blue topaz's on the sides?