Dealing with the In-Laws

[HelenePA]

BTDT No longer see his parents. He is friends with them on facebook but we have them blocked from seeing all pictures. They are just awful people. They adore their daughters son but our kids are treated like garbage.. They destroyed so many holidays I dont want to even think about it.. Their last real contact with my kids was at Aidan's first birthday party.. he's 4.5 now.. they've never seen the baby and I plan to keep it that way..

 

[ginna74]

I had a "grandma" that didn't think of me as her grandchild. I was never taken to diesneyworld like my cousins were COUNTLESS times. My "grandma" never went to a music concert like she did the others. As a matter of fact when my "great grandma" died she gave my cousin and my sister "her blood grandchild" part of her ring telling me "when you do something good you can have nice things too". She NEVER treated me well and I think she did it on purpose too, making sure to either give me less then the others or paying NO attention to me my ENTIRE childhood, well unless to say I was a brat (later in my teens). The only people I blame for that are my parents. My mother was scared of what other people would say if she were to take a stand and not let these people (including grandma) basicly treat me like doodoo sense birth. I wish she would have done something. Would have made me feel a whole lot less hated. I am not angry about it now and forgive her as we all make mistakes. But I do wish someone would have stood up for me, as a child and a person with feelings.

I am also kind of in the same situation with my MIL and SIL. Me and my husband do not allow them to see my children and it is for the best. He has a big family and do not miss them in our lives. My kids are better for it as well.

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

It really seems as though you and your husband have tried every reasonable approach to address this matter and have a favorable outcome.

Perhaps, it's time now to sit down with them and tell them flat out that if they don't start >>>>>, >>>>>, >>>>>, (give them quantified specific acts that you want them TO do, don't focus on what you DON'T want them to do) then they will be choosing to no longer be a part of their grandchildren's lives.

Make it about them, their choices, their actions, their things they need to do.

Good luck to you. Family is tough stuff.

 

[JoiseyMom]

Wow..I am really sorry you and your family are going through this. It is time for your DH to put his foot down. If you don't treat the equally, then you don't have access. Now, would his ex agree to keeping the grandparents away from their child when with her? If she doesn't agree, then you have to sit down with that child and have a long talk and explain why you don't want them seeing him/her.

I am very blessed, with all the issues I have with my in-laws, they accepted my 2 sons as their grandchildren and have treated them equally from day one. It took, DH's grandmother longer..long story..but now my eldest DS is her favorite great-grand-child!! LOL.

 

[4nana]

I am really sorry you are going through this and glad to see you're getting lots of good advise . These types of threads make me heavy hearted, as why GP's would intentionally hurt an innocent child or it's parents like this is beyond me, as nothing is to be gained and everything lost.

We are the lucky grandparents of 13 sweet grands . We have 11 grands of our own and DS married a young widow with 2 sons, making a total of 13 grands .
We have pix up of each of our 4 children with their own family, also have seperate pix up of each individual grandchild . Six grands are local, seven grands are out
of state, however DH and I work hard to make sure they all receive equal BD, C'mas, other occasional gifts, etc.

I'm a firm believer, 'what goes around comes around' and Lord help all those 'holier than Thou' who aren't accepting.

 

[Pumbaa_]

I never get how grown adults can play such obvious favorites with kids

My grandmother's sister did this. Whenever she would come up to my grandmothers, she always brought soemthing for my brother. Always did special things with him and just had a great relationship.

Always made me feel so bad, what was wrong with me? Why didn't she like me. Once I had a choice, I cut her out of my life. Never saw her or visited her again. I just wish my parents had noticed and stood up for me

This was 35+ years ago and still bothers me. Thank you for standing up for your kids. You will not regret it

 

[need2cruise]

Thanks for all the responses! I really appreciate it!

My stepson is the oldest boy, and first grandchild. That could be why.....but yet they treat dh's sisters kids just fine too...so I have no clue.

It could be a DIL issue. I know they despised dh's ex though and have always said they were glad I was part of his life and to get him back into church and to quit drinking. She was not so great a person to dh and did some awful things to him and his family. However, I do get along with her for my ss's well being. Things are very peaceful now between us though. Maybe they are resentful of that? They are at peace with her too though (yet they do trash talk her at times and dh has asked them not to). I do know they may have an issue with the fact that after dh's divorce, every weekend he'd go and stay at one of the sisters house and he'd have ss there on his visits. They loved being able to tell dh what to do, even down to the clothes he wore and having him on hand to do things around their house (they have lazy dh's who really don't help around the house, just sit and watch tv all day long). Since I came in the picture, they lost that and dh's dad (his parents are divorced) said that they may be intimadated by me because I am goal oriented, have a great job and always on the go type person. They (sisters and mom) are more the "meek and mild" housewives types who cater to their dh's. They do treat me nice when I'm around, but when out of sight, it's out of mind!

I think what we will do is just remove ourself from it all and only visit for short periods and make sure that no favorites are played and just leave the minute that we notice anything. Sometimes they are good and interact with all the kids, but it's the subtle things that they do that is just........

It's been great to just vent about it. I don't want to really get in to the discussion with dh a whole lot. He vents, I just tell him to pray about it and let it go cause we really can't change them. I don't want to let him know how hurtful it is or let my words be the thing that helps drive a wedge between him and his family.

But at the same time, I'm not going to let it hurt my children either. I already came up with one Christmas gift for them, a calendar, with all 3 kids pictures on each page! lol

 

[Kitzka]

I have not had a chance to read all of the replies but i wanted to send along a huge hug to the OP. Your first priority is to protect your kids. All of them. \

I don't know if/when you will be able to change the bahavior exhibited by your in laws. I can only share my expereince.

I married a wonderful man but we had a very bumpy start. I got pregnant with DD a month before college graduation. DH and I were not married nor were we engaged. My parents were shocked but thrilled as I was going to keep the baby. When DH told his parents the words that they used were "We raised you better than this."

DD is born and a bit later DH and I are married. We have now been married for 10 years. MIL and FIL do love DD but there are limits and restrictions on this love (or at least i see it this way). They did not come to the baby shower which was thrown by my SIL. They did not come to DDs fors 4 birthday parties and actually cancelled at the last minute.

Around the time DD was 5 they started to warm up to her but by that point they had only seen her about 10 times since she was born. They started wanting to see DD a little more and i wuold say visits increased from 2 times a year to 4. When DD was 7 SIL had her first child. All of a sudden MIL and FIL are visiting SIL once a month for a week or two to help with the baby but they NEVER try to see DD during these visits unless SIL or neice are at a Dr's appt or can't see them.I try to not get pissed but really hate the feeling that my DD is a 2nd class citizen.

DD is now 11. SIL has 2 kids and lives 30 mins from me. MIL and FIL still come to visit every month but NEVER tell us unless they can't visit with SIL and her kids. How do they think it makes an 11 year old to hear on the answering machine "hi it's Grandma and grandoa. We can't see Jack and Dottie tomrrow so we wuold like to see Katie." It makes her feel horrible. We do see them at Christmas and at Easter but other than that i ahve no idea when they are around (they live 5 hours away).

DH has tried talking to them about it but like the OP's in laws they dont see the favortism at all. They say that SIL needs the help because her kids are younger. Yes, that is true to a degree but SIL has a nanny to help her and a housekeeper. We have just our family. I wuold love to know that i don't have to race out of work to get DD from after school and to know taht she is spending time with her grandparents.

it's to the point where DD doesn't want to see them. she is lucky that my parents are much more involved but my parents while younger have some major health problems (mom is legally blind and can not leave the house alone and dad has suffered 3 heart attacks in the last 7 years so he is very weak from the attacks and recovery).

I came to the conclusion years ago that i can't make them spend time with her or want to spend time with her. they seem to enjoy her company when we are together but i can't do more than i do. we have extended invitations to them but they either don't answer or they say no.

I know a large part of thier feelings stem from the fact that we were not married when we had DD and that i wanted to wait a while after DD was born before we got married as i wanted to be sure that i wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, but the child is innnocent in all of this!

Anyway, i don't even know if tehre is anything to learn from this. I don't say anything to DD but she sees the differences at holidays when my neice talks about all the great things Grandpa did with her but what can i do? I don't say anything negative about my in laws but i am also honest with my DD. if she asks me a point blank question then i answer her with 100% honestly.

Lara