Dealing with newly retired husband

[minkydog]

DH was retired on disability last week. He just turned 50. As you can imagine, this has been difficult. He did not want to go but it was either take the package or get the boot anyway.

So he's got the package. Now what? We don't know anyone who retired at this young age. We still have kids in middle school. What does he say in conversation when that inevitable question comes up--"So, what do you do?" "Laundry" is not a good option.

He feels like he's had his legs cut out from under him. I feel like I have too much husband around the house. He wants to go somewhere all day, every day, until he gets tired and then goes for a nap. He wants me to go lay down with him and be with him constantly. I realize he is very sad and depressed. He is on an antidepressant. but I feel like I'm suffocating. I've been working an evening shift job part-time, but I've applied for a full-time job on days--not only will it increase our income, it will give me some relief.

I feel bad for feeling this way. DH is bearing a terrible load with his chronic lung & heart problems. Now he's lost his job, too. He feels old before his time. Although he can't work at his old job, he is able to do errands, housework, take care of Christian, etc. He is having a hard time with the role-reversal. He doesn't like to do those things.

What am I gonna do

 

[clarabelle]

I am sorry.
Maybe later he can try some volunteer work? Many places would love volunteers. Church, library, local museum? I think it will get easier once everyone gets used to the new roles.

 

[PrincessKitty1]

Minkydog, that is really rough. So much of our identity is tied up with doing our jobs and feeling productive. My DH went through a depression when he was laid off from a job, and I can only imagine how hard it is for your DH to have health problems AND be jobless. And for you to be dealing with all this.

Can he say he's "semi-retired?" Would he be interested in (for instance) selling on Ebay or taking up a hobby that makes a little $$ on the side? What hobbies did he have before he retired?

 

[liamsaunt]

Maybe he could volunteer for a few hours? Just something to get him out of the house and feeling like he is contributing? My Dad got laid off from his job for health reasons (which turned out to be a big mistake on their part--he was covered by the ADA and ended up with a big settlement!). Given everything that was happening around that situation, it took him a long while to find another comprable position. While he was looking he volunteered at our local food bank and meals on wheels.

Maybe there is something in your area that would be appropriate for your DH--not heavy lifting like the food bank, but maybe mentoring, or elder activities he could lead at your community center?

 

[Christine]

I think, at this point, it would be best to tell people that he is out on disability due to some health issues. People will generally stop the conversation at that point and move on to something else. Instead, if you say he's "retired" and they see how young he is, they may be more apt to joke around about it.

Anyway, I think after some time, you DH might come out of his depression and look for some other things today.

How is he as far as reaching out to others and communicating? He would probably be an IDEAL person to start a support group for his type of illness. I have always wanted to be more involved in the thyroid cancer support groups for my area (actually, I'd like to lead one) but my full-time job just prohibits that. Maybe he would be interested in something like that?

 

[RUDisney]

If he can drive, have him go to a smaller local bank and apply for a courier job. We hire retired men all the time. It is light work and they basically carry loan files and/or interoffice mail between locations.

He can always become a greeter at Walmart, if he can handle standing for long periods of time, or a receipt checker at Sam's Club, etc.

Hopefully there is some type of job that he can do. When asked, he should respond, "I'm retired." No explanation is needed. Let people think you are rich enough to have your DH retire at 50.

There was a man, who was in his 80s who worked in our mailroom. Every time he'd retire, his wife would go back to work. When she'd retire, he'd go back to work. That's how they stayed married for 65+ years.

 

[jen0610]

My dad is semi-retired and he has three pay checks coming.

He does part time sales for the place that he retired from. He basiclly makes a monthly sales call and he get his commission check from the items that they have in production.

He works as an usher at The Coliseum/stadium - they hold hockey games, football games, basketball games, baseball games, concerts, the circus, wedding recieptions, company parties, home/garden/boat/car shows, swap meets - you name, they have held it there. If there is a function going on, they have ushers there. Most of the usher are part timers and they love retires, because of their need to have someone there during the M-F 8-5 work week. The younger usher can't work these hours, so the retires get 1st dibs on these hours.

He also works for a local car dealership. If they have an order for a car options, that matches a car at another dealership, dad and another guy drives over to the other dealer and dad gets to drive the 2nd car back. From here were we live, it has been no big deal for them to go into WI, MI, IL, OH, PA, and KY for a car.

Mom swears he is home less now, than when he worked full time, but when he is home, she swears he is a huge pain in the behind because he messes up her schedule. Give DH some time to adjust. If he doesn't seem to perk up, talk to him and his dr, as you did state that he is already on antidepressants, and you don't want to fall deeper into depression.

to you and your family.

 

[Sandy V.]

I'm so sorry, Minkydog. You've been given some very good suggestions here, and I wish you and your family the very best of luck!!

 

[minkydog]

Thank you all for your suggestions. i know it hasn't been much time and things will probably be okay eventually. This is a whole new world, and it feels uncharted. He has been sick a long time and has gradually slowed down. Up until last week he was only able to work 2 days a week. You'd think we'd be more prepared, but honestly, nothing can prepare you for the finality of it. It's not just that he lost his job; they no longer want him. He no longer belongs. I'm trying to be strong and not show how very sad i am. I'm sad for him and sad for us.

I think once he gets over the initial phases he will want to get involved somewhere. He'd like to teach adults and he's great at it. He just can't do it 5 days a week. I'd like to see him take some college classes. He used to garden, but as his health has worsened it's been harder. I'm encouraging him to look at container gardening and flower gardens, rather than the higher-maintenance veggies. We just bought a travel trailer and hopefully that will keep him occupied adding shelves and finding places to put things. If he can get a life beyond work, I think it will take the pressure off me to be his entertainment.

 

[annegal]

My DH's brother went on disability a few years ago at about same age as your DH. I hate to say ,he has really spiralled into depression. Stays in bed literally, all day. His wife's only outlet is work & going to mall-just to "escape" him.

 

[momrek06]

DH was retired on disability last week. He just turned 50. As you can imagine, this has been difficult. He did not want to go but it was either take the package or get the boot anyway.

So he's got the package. Now what? We don't know anyone who retired at this young age. We still have kids in middle school. What does he say in conversation when that inevitable question comes up--"So, what do you do?" "Laundry" is not a good option.

He feels like he's had his legs cut out from under him. I feel like I have too much husband around the house. He wants to go somewhere all day, every day, until he gets tired and then goes for a nap. He wants me to go lay down with him and be with him constantly. I realize he is very sad and depressed. He is on an antidepressant. but I feel like I'm suffocating. I've been working an evening shift job part-time, but I've applied for a full-time job on days--not only will it increase our income, it will give me some relief.

I feel bad for feeling this way. DH is bearing a terrible load with his chronic lung & heart problems. Now he's lost his job, too. He feels old before his time. Although he can't work at his old job, he is able to do errands, housework, take care of Christian, etc. He is having a hard time with the role-reversal. He doesn't like to do those things.

What am I gonna do

Minky: I am not sure if this is an option...but I have a good friend whose DH retired early. He was an attorney and had some medical issues as well.

He went to the local school system in town and applied to be a Bus Driver. Let me tell you he LOVES it. The hours are great, the pay is not all that bad and the kids, he just loves all the kids!!!

 

[aprilgail2]

Where I work 50 is the noram retirement age so that doesn't seem odd to me. Most guy retire and play a lot of golf, but that is probably not an option for your husband. My friend retired and now just does some handyman type things. I have 6 year s to go till I am 50 and retire and I just plan on doing some volunteer work until my daughter graduates and then move to a warmer state so I can spend more time outdoors. Could your husband volunteer for anything, like answering phones for a charitable organization etc??

 

[Cindy B]

My parents retired at 53and 54 (It was due to time in position, not a buy out).

My dad was the same way--he moped around and really did nothing but complain. (However, we were out of the house, we are grown in our 30's at the time--yes retired with 30 year olds, they had us young!)

He had a 2nd business he did when he wasn't working --which was laughable because he always 2-3 jobs all the time. He concentrates on his now not side business--and actually got a part time job 2 to 3 days a week. He also got really involved in the VFW.

My mom got tired of cleaning the house and found a job as well 2-3 days a week as well.

THere will be things to do. And now he is around to help with home--yes, he may not like it, but it does need to be done.

I can't imagine my dad retired with us kids still at home. Since he was never at home much he never got to know us kids. Even if we visit for about 2 hours, my dad goes nuts with my kids, because he was never around them.