Dealing with my momma and her house

[jjarman]

My momma is 80 years old and in excellent health. She lives alone in the house we all grew up in but the neighborhood is just not the same. It has gone way down and is really not safe. She has had someone banging on her door in the middle of the night and even on the wall at her bedroom. She does have a security system in place and sleeps with a shotgun. She says she is not scared but I am. Also, she is not the best housekeeper. Never has been. Her house is pretty dirty and crammed with junk. She is not a hoarder but different cousins and family have stored junk at her house and she feels sorry for them and won't ask them to move it. My sister-in-law and I really want to clean up momma's house for her but also to have the house ready to sell if we should have to. We almost had her convinced to move last week and she seemed excited but then changed her mind. She thnks we have just gotten this wild hair and we will get over it. I really want to first of all clean her house up really good for her. We cleaned her sun room last weekend and she was so grateful and seemed to like it. She hates to have people do for her. That is part of the problem.

Should we just let it go until something bad enough happens to make her want to move? I feel like it will be someone breaking in while she is gone and stealing her stuff or breaking a window or damaging her car. If she does then decide to move we would be faced then with cleaning up the house so we can try to sell it. The market here is way down. She won't buy a new house because she does not want a mortgage and I can't blame her. So we would have to sell the house first.

But what if she falls and gets hurt then we would still have to do all this.

Any advice?

 

[jaminmd]

My momma is 80 years old and in excellent health. She lives alone in the house we all grew up in but the neighborhood is just not the same. It has gone way down and is really not safe. She has had someone banging on her door in the middle of the night and even on the wall at her bedroom. She does have a security system in place and sleeps with a shotgun. She says she is not scared but I am. Also, she is not the best housekeeper. Never has been. Her house is pretty dirty and crammed with junk. She is not a hoarder but different cousins and family have stored junk at her house and she feels sorry for them and won't ask them to move it. My sister-in-law and I really want to clean up momma's house for her but also to have the house ready to sell if we should have to. We almost had her convinced to move last week and she seemed excited but then changed her mind. She thnks we have just gotten this wild hair and we will get over it. I really want to first of all clean her house up really good for her. We cleaned her sun room last weekend and she was so grateful and seemed to like it. She hates to have people do for her. That is part of the problem.

Should we just let it go until something bad enough happens to make her want to move? I feel like it will be someone breaking in while she is gone and stealing her stuff or breaking a window or damaging her car. If she does then decide to move we would be faced then with cleaning up the house so we can try to sell it. The market here is way down. She won't buy a new house because she does not want a mortgage and I can't blame her. So we would have to sell the house first.

But what if she falls and gets hurt then we would still have to do all this.

Any advice?

DH had a similar problem with his grandmother (she was in her late 80's/early 90's) as far a s the junk/bordeline hoarding. This may not be a nice thing to do but he did it anyway & for him, it worked.

He slowly started going through the piles of junk & would throw stuff out, little by little. Stuff he knew was garbage, like washed out KFC containers, old plastic flowers, rusted screws, you name it.

He cleaned out her entire basement over the span of about 6 months, very slowly, and she never even noticed.

Now, may will have the opinion he had no right to do so, and I understand that. In this case, though, there were no negative consequences.

As far as her safety, though, that would be my number one concern but I don't have any advice for you on that one.

 

[jjarman]

Thanks for the reply. DSIL has lots of rubbermaid containers over there full of junk. She is going to go thru them first and throw away junk. There is a trunk of mine I can get out of there as well. You can't sneak around though and clean with her. The house is too small. She says we can clean but not throw out anything. And one cousin lives like 12 hours away and won't be home till the summer if even then to get his junk. I have contacted his sister and am waiting to hear what she says about moving his stuff out. I told momma he won't move that junk out until she makes him and she won't make him. What a pain to deal with.

 

[clh2]

Thanks for the reply. DSIL has lots of rubbermaid containers over there full of junk. She is going to go thru them first and throw away junk. There is a trunk of mine I can get out of there as well. You can't sneak around though and clean with her. The house is too small. She says we can clean but not throw out anything. And one cousin lives like 12 hours away and won't be home till the summer if even then to get his junk. I have contacted his sister and am waiting to hear what she says about moving his stuff out. I told momma he won't move that junk out until she makes him and she won't make him. What a pain to deal with.

Really - the summer isn't THAT far away. It already sounds like the cousin knows you want that stuff out - and that is half the battle. This way they have plenty of time to make arrangements (i.e. driving instead of flying, finding other friends to store the stuff at, renting a storage locker etc.). Plus - if you dropped this at them at the last minute, they may have already had other plans for their visit.

 

[tiggersbombed2]

Contact sis and tell her to tell her bro to move it or lose it. Then set a date and put the stuff out on that date, don't let coz bro contact your mom. Regardless of if your mom wants to do it or not, but the time anyone has any questions, it'll all be gone.

Secondly, I would do all I could to move her, unsafe like that would be so hard for me to live with...like waiting for the other shoe to drop. Maybe you could convince her by telling her how worried you all are about her there? Get a group of you together to talk to her? Nicely, not like a "gang" but like family, ya know?

 

[tvguy]

My momma is 80 years old and in excellent health. She lives alone in the house we all grew up in but the neighborhood is just not the same. It has gone way down and is really not safe. She has had someone banging on her door in the middle of the night and even on the wall at her bedroom. She does have a security system in place and sleeps with a shotgun. She says she is not scared but I am. Also, she is not the best housekeeper. Never has been. Her house is pretty dirty and crammed with junk. She is not a hoarder but different cousins and family have stored junk at her house and she feels sorry for them and won't ask them to move it. My sister-in-law and I really want to clean up momma's house for her but also to have the house ready to sell if we should have to. We almost had her convinced to move last week and she seemed excited but then changed her mind. She thnks we have just gotten this wild hair and we will get over it. I really want to first of all clean her house up really good for her. We cleaned her sun room last weekend and she was so grateful and seemed to like it. She hates to have people do for her. That is part of the problem.

Should we just let it go until something bad enough happens to make her want to move? I feel like it will be someone breaking in while she is gone and stealing her stuff or breaking a window or damaging her car. If she does then decide to move we would be faced then with cleaning up the house so we can try to sell it. The market here is way down. She won't buy a new house because she does not want a mortgage and I can't blame her. So we would have to sell the house first.

But what if she falls and gets hurt then we would still have to do all this.

Any advice?

Well my mom is 87, she has a security system, but no gun. She's lived in the house 50 years. Most homes like her's were torn down to make way for McMansions, so the neighborhood is more upscale than 50 years ago when it was a working class neighborhood. but success has brought more crime.
There is no totally safe place. I just feel a senior should be allowed to live as they wish, as long as they are physically, mentally and financially able to.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I think continue on the path you are on and help her clean up. Once that is done then revisit the moving thing. Moving will not seem like a monumental task once her house has had the once over.

In other words slow it down.

 

[Tinijocaro]

Thanks for the reply. DSIL has lots of rubbermaid containers over there full of junk. She is going to go thru them first and throw away junk. There is a trunk of mine I can get out of there as well. You can't sneak around though and clean with her. The house is too small. She says we can clean but not throw out anything. And one cousin lives like 12 hours away and won't be home till the summer if even then to get his junk. I have contacted his sister and am waiting to hear what she says about moving his stuff out. I told momma he won't move that junk out until she makes him and she won't make him. What a pain to deal with.

Can you put the cousin's stuff in a storage unit but only pay the minimal amount? Tell cousin that it either needs to be pulled from the unit, or the bill must be paid or they will toss it.

 

[DipsyDoodles]

Well my mom is 87, she has a security system, but no gun. She's lived in the house 50 years. Most homes like her's were torn down to make way for McMansions, so the neighborhood is more upscale than 50 years ago when it was a working class neighborhood. but success has brought more crime.
There is no totally safe place. I just feel a senior should be allowed to live as they wish, as long as they are physically, mentally and financially able to.

Sounds like some relatives may be taking advantage of her good nature though and that is worrisome. Helping your mother clean up her home so she can live more comfortably seems like the right thing to do.

 

[ENSOCK]

I agree with others, just clean it up. Tell the cousins to get the stuff out that they want then toss the rest. But do it slowly, say a room a weekend. Then she has some control over what is done. Revisit the moving later when her house is clean. Good luck!

 

[babyrich]

Tell her you are cleaning to thank her for all the nice things she does for everyone. Tell her this is the best way to show your appreciation because you know she wouldnt want you to buy her anything.

Maybe you can find her a nice condo or apt to move into. If you show it to her, even pictures, maybe she will like it enough to want to move. Maybe she will be thankful not to have an entire house (even if it is small).

Maybe a community for seniors, not assisted living, but like an over 55.. over 75 community??

 

[sunnyday123]

Be careful what you throw away. My grandparents were taking care of the "elderly couple" down from them-it was my grandmothers Aunt by marriage and her "new" husband of 20+ years ( she had been married to my g-mothers Uncle)

They had tons of stuff-everyday the husband would go to McDonalds, and come home with a bag of coffee stirrers, napkins and whatever else he could pick up. When they brought lunch and dinner every day, my grandparents would toss what looked like an old, old Mcd's bag.

After they passed away, (within weeks of each other ) I helped my grandparents go through the house-it was too much for them.

We found over $30,000 in Mcd's bags,amid all the stirrers, napkins and straws.

 

[ksjayhawks]

Since she liked it when you cleaned the sunroom, I would tackle one room at a time. Straighten up, reorganize, throw away the obvious trash while discreetly throwing away other items as you can,rebox things that could be donated and store the boxes elsewhere in another room that needs to be cleaned. Then when you clean that room, those boxes can "go away."

I would give the cousin a deadline on his items. He can come and get them or his sister can come and get them for him. If they are not gone by the date, donate them or throw them out. Heck, I would even take the boxes and such to the sister's house this weekend so that they would be gone!

 

[babyrich]

Be careful what you throw away. My grandparents were taking care of the "elderly couple" down from them-it was my grandmothers Aunt by marriage and her "new" husband of 20+ years ( she had been married to my g-mothers Uncle)

They had tons of stuff-everyday the husband would go to McDonalds, and come home with a bag of coffee stirrers, napkins and whatever else he could pick up. When they brought lunch and dinner every day, my grandparents would toss what looked like an old, old Mcd's bag.

After they passed away, (within weeks of each other ) I helped my grandparents go through the house-it was too much for them.

We found over $30,000 in Mcd's bags,amid all the stirrers, napkins and straws.

Oh yeah, gotta watch out for that after my BIL's uncle passed, they found cash in several different places. He had over $5000 in a stack on a closet shelf. They also found several hundred in books around the house. He was ill for a while before he passed and never told anyone about the $.

 

[jama]

If she gets to a point of looking at a retirement community or assisted living place there is a program for surviving spouses of war time veterans...
http://www.veteranaid.org/program.php

 

[ptcruisermom]

If she gets to a point of looking at a retirement community or assisted living place there is a program for surviving spouses of war time veterans...
http://www.veteranaid.org/program.php

This program takes a very long time to get approved for. I started the paperwork in Sept of 2009 for my mother, with help from the local
VA office. Received another paper for her to sign the end of March of 2010 ( still no approval) she signed it and I mailed it, 18 hours later she passed away. Had not been sick and had her out to lunch earlier. If they do approve you they will go back and give you the money from the date you applied.