Dealing with Loss

[cjlong88]

Last month I lost my mother unexpectedly. She was only 57 years old, a 10-year cancer survivor, and an incredible woman. The cancer wasn't what killed her, which made the news so shocking. This has been the most difficult thing I have ever had to deal with in my life. It's been 5 weeks, but I feel like I can finally start to talk about it with friends openly without shutting down completely.

My partner and I were planning to take her and my dad to WDW in 2021. She has never been, and she was always so excited when we would plan out portions of our vacation together (where we might stay, where we would like to eat, going to the spa, etc.). It pains me that I will never get to make memories with her at one of my favorite places in the world. I just need to focus on the memories I do have with her and cherish those.

My father has taken it quite harder than I ever expected he would. We mentally prepared for this 10 years ago when she was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. But she beat it (twice), and was regaining her strength and never feared the cancer or even death. She lived her life with so much joy and I so admire her for that. I have asked my dad to see a grief counselor -- he doesn't like to show or confront his emotions, and that worries me.

Grief is a strange thing. One moment I'm fine, happy even. The next moment I'm overcome with anger or sadness. There is a numbness that doesn't seem go away. Some days I cope with it okay. Some days it overwhelms me, and before I know it hours have gone by and I haven't moved or done anything. My partner is being very supportive and allowing me to grief and feel my emotions. I'm so grateful to have him in my life -- I don't think I could get through this by myself. I have two close friends who have lost a parent as a young adult, and I'm so glad they are here to listen. I know they understand what I'm going through, and they have told me that while the pain will always be there, it will get easier. I'm so grateful for their support and love.

While I like to put on a front that everything is okay in my actual life, I'm glad there is a place like this were I can just lay out my feelings and thoughts in a genuine and truthful manner. Hug your loved ones extra tight, friends, and be grateful for every moment you get on this earth.

❤

 

[Disneylover99]

I’m so very sorry for your loss.

Losing a parent is always hard, especially when it’s not expected and they are still young. It’s good that you have close friends and a supportive partner to talk about your feelings.

Hugs to your dad as well. I hope he can talk about his feelings, when he is ready.

 

[a1tinkfans]

I am so very sorry about the loss of your mom. I understand, having lost mine in her early 60s. It is as a horrific time in my life.

what ur feeling is normal. Take it one day at a time, lean on those you love and don’t hold it in. in time ... its not so raw, never forgotten But not “ right there”, feeling like ur falling apart and can’t even breathe. Been there, it gets better.
I truly hope ur dad will reach out and seek help, people deal with loss differently and thru stages and it will help him to push thru. Many men think it’s a sign of weakness to ask for help, but I believe that ur mom would Be glad you can both live and lead Hood lives while remembering the Memories of years past.
Sending strength for you all. We re Here, we Care. Glad u could post..Hang in there!

 

[Dan Murphy]

Very sorry to hear this about your mom, CJ. All your feelings, and those of your dad, are so very normal, expected. You do have good memories of sharing time with her in the planning part of past trips, hold onto those, they will last a lifetime. Continue to gently encourage your dad to seek grief counseling and/or grief support groups, they can be so very help, and certainly supportive. And you are very lucky to have a partner and other friends who understand and can provide that important understanding and support as needed.

God bless you, CJ, your dad, and family. God speed for your mom.

 

[mommasita]

I’m so sorry to read about you losing your Mother. I am so glad you are blessed with such a kind and compassionate partner and good friends. Your words about grief are very true indeed, there is no way around it, no 12 steps, there are some days of utter despair. I agree that grief counselling may be a great help for your father.

I just wanted to tell you that I have read your post on the CB, it so moved me earlier, It had so much kindness in it, your Mother most Definitely raised a good man.

Please continue and feel free to post here whenever you can, and be gentle with yourself.

 

[jerseygal]

So very sorry to hear about your loss. It sounds like you had such a special bond with your Mom, treasure the wonderful memories that you made as a family. Your partner sounds very special also..Its easy to share good and happy times, but when there are more difficult and sad times, it’s very comforting I’m sure to know that your partner is supporting the grief process. Be kind to yourself and realize that all the ups and downs are certainly expected during this difficult period. I hope that your Dad can find a grief support group also.

 

[sjberg79]

I'm so sorry for your loss. Grief is like an ocean, some days it's calm and easy sailing and some times it's like a hurricane is trying to drown you. I lost my own Mother suddenly last year to a heart attack, she was 64. Time makes it easier to talk about but you never stop missing the people you've lost. I think the hardest days are the firsts... the first birthday, the first holidays, the first anniversary of their loss. You go through the changes of seasons and you think of them, remembering things you did with them. But it's a constant honoring of their memory. What I do, and what I hope you can do is always remember the good stuff and lean on who supports you best. Talk about it, even when it hurts. Don't shut down, don't lock people out. It's good to reach out just like you are now. Big hugs to you in this time. <3 She will always be with you.

 

[a742246]

I feel your pain, just remember as long as you have memories of her she will always be with you and by your side.

 

[cjlong88]

Thank you all for your kind words. It's nice to know you're not alone. I love this little spot on the internet, and I'm so grateful to have found it.

Update: My father has scheduled his first grief counseling session. I'm so proud of him for taking that step on his own.

 

[mommasita]

What a strong man your father is, you should be proud indeed! It isn’t an easy thing to do, good on him

This really is a safe haven, sometimes I feel I would have been lost without it.

How are you?

 

[Dan Murphy]

Thank you all for your kind words. It's nice to know you're not alone. I love this little spot on the internet, and I'm so grateful to have found it.

Update: My father has scheduled his first grief counseling session. I'm so proud of him for taking that step on his own.

That's a great update, CJ. Very happy to hear the news about your dad taking a big step forward. Very good news.

And yes, this little spot on the Internet can be very good at times. Hang in there, CJ.

 

[Forevermarypoppins]

You obviously loved your Mother very much. That in itself is such a gift. I hope you and your dad can connect by talking about your mom, sharing thoughts, sharing good memories. I've always believed the saddest thing is to not talk about your loved one.
I'm the mother of 2 children: 30 and 27. It's my biggest fear these days, that we will be apart someday.

 

[cbeeindisney]

I am so sorry @cjlong88 for your loss. I too have lost my mom suddenly this summer on June 14. It was a shock and the worst thing that I have ever dealt with in my life. I have my husband that supports my grief as well, but does not want to see me be sad, which is hard because sometimes all you want to do is be sad and think about her. I am glad that you have an ultra supportive partner to help you through this.

I understand your emotions, grief is such a crazy thing. I have great days and awful days and like you said, you feel happy and then have your moments of anger and sadness. I feel the same exact way and feel so guilty when I'm feeling happy or having a good day.

I feel your pain with your father, as my dad is taking this so very hard and my sisters and I worry about him. He has good days and then awful moments and worse days. He has bought a convertible and does therapy shopping, but I worry that when his body isn't staying busy, working on his car, boat, shopping, etc... his mind goes to dark places. I too have suggested a grief counselor, a bereavement group, something, but to no avail. Unfortunately, we all don't grieve the same way and we all have our own paths of healing, I have to try my best to accept this.

I don't know if prepping for this loss could ever fully prepare you for this, even though you had done this years ago. I hope you continue to plan your Disney trip with your partner and spoil yourselves as you would spoil her and enjoy her company on your trip. I recently read an excerpt from a grief book and in it, it describes Mother's Day and on that day spoiling yourself and pampering yourself, because to celebrate her on that day, you should be celebrating yourself and you are the best thing that she has done in her life. I think that's true for everyday as well, pamper yourself, give yourself what you need, go on that Disney vacation, because she is there with you and celebrating you is the same as celebrating her and her life and the love that she gave to you.

Thank you for posting as its truly helpful to find others close to my age that are in the same place and with the same losses and to know we are never truly alone. ❤

 

[cjlong88]

I am so sorry @cjlong88 for your loss. I too have lost my mom suddenly this summer on June 14. It was a shock and the worst thing that I have ever dealt with in my life. I have my husband that supports my grief as well, but does not want to see me be sad, which is hard because sometimes all you want to do is be sad and think about her. I am glad that you have an ultra supportive partner to help you through this.

I understand your emotions, grief is such a crazy thing. I have great days and awful days and like you said, you feel happy and then have your moments of anger and sadness. I feel the same exact way and feel so guilty when I'm feeling happy or having a good day.

I feel your pain with your father, as my dad is taking this so very hard and my sisters and I worry about him. He has good days and then awful moments and worse days. He has bought a convertible and does therapy shopping, but I worry that when his body isn't staying busy, working on his car, boat, shopping, etc... his mind goes to dark places. I too have suggested a grief counselor, a bereavement group, something, but to no avail. Unfortunately, we all don't grieve the same way and we all have our own paths of healing, I have to try my best to accept this.

I don't know if prepping for this loss could ever fully prepare you for this, even though you had done this years ago. I hope you continue to plan your Disney trip with your partner and spoil yourselves as you would spoil her and enjoy her company on your trip. I recently read an excerpt from a grief book and in it, it describes Mother's Day and on that day spoiling yourself and pampering yourself, because to celebrate her on that day, you should be celebrating yourself and you are the best thing that she has done in her life. I think that's true for everyday as well, pamper yourself, give yourself what you need, go on that Disney vacation, because she is there with you and celebrating you is the same as celebrating her and her life and the love that she gave to you.

Thank you for posting as its truly helpful to find others close to my age that are in the same place and with the same losses and to know we are never truly alone. ❤

Thank you for your beautiful response. My heart goes out to you and your family. I was nervous posting my story on here because it is so personal, but this place on the internet has been a wonderful way to express myself and meet people who are going through the same situations. I completely understand the feeling of guilt one has after having a good day or feeling happy. It's almost like I have to relearn how to live my daily life.

Thank you again for responding. It has been a bright spot in my day today!

 

[SnowWhite1981]

Praying for you as you continue to grieve and heal