Dealing With A Difficult Co-Worker

[burberryplaid]

I really need some good advice on a situation I am having with a co-worker.

Background: I was promoted to a new position in my company just under four months ago. I have been working here for 13 years so it's not like I am new to the industry, but I am new to the type of work I handle and the clients I work on, new to my group, working with a new manager and new to my position which is basically second in command under my boss.

From the moment I started, one of my co-workers has been giving me grief. She is nearing retirement so nearly twice my age, which I think is contributing to the issue somewhat. She constantly compares me to the person who held my position previously At first it wasn't too bad, but at one point it really started to get to me, so much so that I had to talk to my manager about it. He talked to her and things were better for a while.

On Friday, things hit the fan! My boss was out for an extended long weekend which left me alone to handle things in his absence. I don't recall exactly what brought it up, but while talking to the other co-workers in my immediate area (we sit in cubes in a row so we'll often chat through out the day) my co-worker said "You're just a rookie!" implying that I did not know what I was doing. Needless to say I was bothered as our other co-workers sensed she was trying to slight me (She does this often to people. She'll make a stinging remark to put them down.) When I tried to ask what she meant by it, she backtracked and tried to say it wasn't meant the way it came out. (Fine..okay..I moved on)

Later in the day, one of our co-workers came over to ask me a question. While I was replying to her, the "troublemaker" piped in (she does this all the time to everyone...if she thinks she knows the answer she'll tell you, even if you didn't ask her!) While the person I was trying to help was talking she tried to butt in and give her answer. So as calmly as I could I asked if she could wait a minute to let "Suzie" finish what she was saying. After "Suzie" finished I asked "Marie" what she was going to say.

Apparently, Marie didn't like me doing this so for the rest of the day whenever she had a question she went over to another person on our team who has the same position I do. (We have a team of 30 people, 3 managers and each manager has a second in command under them so there are 2 other people on our team who have the same position as me) I have no problem with her going to anyone on the team with questions, however, I took this as a way of her "punishing" me for not letting her speak as she does not normally go to this person with questions. In addition, it isn't really favorable to go to another person in these situations because each manager works on specific clients, so while a second in command may have the same general knowledge as the others, each one of us has more detailed client specific knowledge the others do not necessarily have which makes it favorable to go to the person that works on the clients you do.

I am a confident person when it comes to my job. I know I have skills which are valuable and there is a reason I got this job. (There were 12 other people up for it. There were supposed to be 2 rounds of interviews, but my boss wanted me and offered it to me after round 1) I know I do not know everything there is to know about the clients I work on and the work I do (I'm still learning), but I also know that if I am not sure about something, I can find the answer. Other than having this personal issue, I feel like I'm doing an awesome job (My boss tells me this all of the time!) Yet, in this moment I felt defeated, angry, frustrated and sad.

So my dilemma now is what do I do to stop this behavior? I feel like I have three options as I can't ignore it any more.

1) I can talk to her alone, in private and tell her that what happened is unacceptable. (I'm not a manager but I am her superior so I feel like she has to be respectful of that) In the conversation I would also like to find out if there is anything she perceives I am doing wrong that I can fix. I'd like to think I am not doing anything to her as there are 30 other people on the team who seem to like and respect me, but I could be doing something unintentionally.

2) We can talk privately about the situation with our boss present. My fear here is that she'll feel like she's being ganged up on. My boss and I have a great relationship and he agreed with me previously that she was acting inappropriately as she acted similarly towards him before. (He is young and has only been a manager for a year and a half so she did not take to him easily either)

3) I could talk to him about what happened on Friday when he comes back and let him try to talk to her again. My fear here is that my boss will think I can't handle the situation on my own. My boss is very supportive and as I said, we have a great relationship but if I keep going back to him with these things, I fear he might think I am not able to take care of things for myself. I do think he needs to know what's going on though and maybe I need his opinion on what to do because I don't want to take over the situation if he thinks he should be the one to handle it.

I see pluses and minuses to all three scenarios. Any advice or experience with this type of situation would be greatly appreciated!

 

[dreamin_disney]

It time for someone to pull her aside and set her straight for being disrespectul. I think you need to stand up to her in a professional way and let her know her behavior is unappropiate. I think if u pull her aside you still should talk to your boss and let them know what happened just to cover yourself. Good luck

 

[sparklynails23]

Do not participate in the drama. You are her supervisor and need to rise above. If her work is adequate and she doesn't say something worse, treat her like nothing happened and be cordial. Don't run to your boss. It will show that you cannot handle the job. Your stopping in mid-sentence to silence her was an intended affront, and she took it that way. She may have earned it, but she's been acting that way for a long time, and the last supervisor found a way to get along with her. You can, too.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Do not participate in the drama. You are her supervisor and need to rise above. If her work is adequate and she doesn't say something worse, treat her like nothing happened and be cordial. Don't run to your boss. It will show that you cannot handle the job. Your stopping in mid-sentence to silence her was an intended affront, and she took it that way. She may have earned it, but she's been acting that way for a long time, and the last supervisor found a way to get along with her. You can, too.

This is pretty much what I am thinking. NONE of your three listed options are good. Going to the boss again over little petty things like this shows you cannot handle supervisory responsibility. This is not good for your career long term, AND it sort of proves the annoying woman's point about your age, etc.

As much as possible, jut ignore it. If she goes to other supervisors with questions, so what? They can always redirect her to you if they feel you know the situation better. Don't even respond to comments like you being a rookie, etc.

No matter how good the boss is and how much s/he is loved by most employees, it there are more than 2-3 people in the workplaces SOMEone will not like the boss. It is the nature of the beast. Any manager worth their alt know this and does not take this stuff personally and ignores it unless it truly interferes with the job. You need to do the same.

 

[burberryplaid]

Thank you sparklynails23 and NHdisneylover - I probably should have gave your answers as a 4th solution.

I definitely don't want to ruin my chances of advancing over this, especially as I said before she is probably going to be here less than a year more...but I also don't want to be seen as spineless or afraid of confrontation...too many people in my office are seen this way and it's not a good thing.

 

[Imzadi]

I think you should talk to your boss first and tell him what happened and show him initiative by saying you'd like to speak to her with him present to handle her.

This shows you are willing to take the lead and handle the matter. Yet, as he also had a similar problem with her, he will also understand the need to do it with him present, as she can get sticky about it.

Your co-worker is like a dog acting out inappropriately. She's acting like an Alpha dog in the pack, when clearly she is not. You HAVE to put her back in her place. If you pretend to ignore it, you will have shown her that you have no backbone and she clearly has the upper hand and is the Alpha between you two. She will CONTINUE to be a pain in your butt for as long as she's there unless you straighten her out.

You have to do it with your boss present as she has shown she is passive aggressive and immature. She CLEARLY has no respect for you. Her actions will just go underground and she will continue to thwart you, as she did later that day.

Frankly, I wouldn't care if she sulked all day or was "punishing" you, as long as she kept it to herself at her desk. But, what she is now doing is inappropriately drawing other people in this power struggle and drama of hers. YOU need to stop this, and in front of your boss AND if necessary in front of your co-workers. She wants to show all of them that she is stronger and more than you. They need to see you are the Alpha. They need to see you assert yourself. Until they do, and she knows it, she won't stop. She will continue to challenge and thwart you.

1) I can talk to her alone, in private and tell her that what happened is unacceptable. (I'm not a manager but I am her superior so I feel like she has to be respectful of that)

Uh, NO. Approaching her alone is the worst thing you can do. She has clearly shown she has NO respect for you or the position. She's gotten away with a lot in the past in front of others and clearly feels she can continue to do it, and resort to passive aggressive, (deviously undermining) ways if she doesn't get things her way.

In the conversation I would also like to find out if there is anything she perceives I am doing wrong that I can fix.

No! No! NO! Worst thing you can do. ASKING her that question is a powder keg that will blow up in your face. This isn't at all about your job performance. This is a power struggle, plain and simple. She could come up with a dozen reasons even if you are doing everything right. it is about her trying to get more power than you. Asking her what she thinks of you will give her power over you, she is in the position of a subordinate. It will say to her that her opinion and assessment are important to you - when in THIS case, they shouldn't be. Do you want to open yourself up to her TELLING you OPENLY from now on when she thinks you are doing something wrong? That is not her place. You don't report to her. You report to your BOSS. He will point out if you are doing anything wrong.

If it was anyone else, who truly had a problem with how you were handling your job, it might be appropriate and respectful. You might glean some great insights. But, that is not what THIS situation is about. See it for what it is.

I'd like to think I am not doing anything to her as there are 30 other people on the team who seem to like and respect me, but I could be doing something unintentionally.

If she has a problem with you SHE can go to your boss to tell him. Clearly she hasn't done it. This is a power struggle for control, clear & simple. She did this with your boss and now she's doing it to you. It's not personal. But, ASKING what you are doing wrong will invite her to make it personal.

Also, the next time she butts in say, "Thank you, Marie for your help. I know you know this, but I can handle this."

 

[Christine]

I would probably do a combination of things.

I would take her aside and basically do option #1 but I probably wouldn't be overly sweet about it. Not mean, but let her know that YOU know what she's doing. As another poster said, she's trying to dominate the pack and demonstrate ALPHA. I would put her on notice. After that, if she does ANYTHING like that again publicly, I would reprimand her publicly in front of the cube mates. I know that sounds awful and I would NEVER do that with a professional employee, but some people can't be dealt with any other way.

Then I would do a bit of #3. Meaning I would mention to your boss what happened. Since you are her superior but not her direct supervisor I think you need to do this. Mention it and tell him how you are going to handle it (paragraph above) so he's on board with what's about to go down.

After that, try not to let this get to you so much. I can tell from your post that it's really bugging you. Don't let it.

 

[golfgal]

Part of being in management is having to not be "friends" with everyone and sometimes you have to call someone to the carpet-this would be one of those times. You need to stop this, now. You should have put a stop to it before-and NOT gone to your boss to start.

You need to have a private meeting with her and tell her that her behavior is not acceptable. You are the supervisor (or whatever your position is) and while you realize you are new, you are QUALIFIED for the job. She either needs to stop acting like a 2 year old or perhaps it would be better if she found another roll with the company if she couldn't work together in a professional manner.

Going to your boss from the get go was a big mistake, I think. Again, part of being in management is dealing with these things. If you had tried to work it out, given her clear expectations and THEN she kept at it, a meeting with her, you and your boss would have been appropriate.

 

[Sadie22]

Do not participate in the drama. You are her supervisor and need to rise above. If her work is adequate and she doesn't say something worse, treat her like nothing happened and be cordial. Don't run to your boss. It will show that you cannot handle the job. Your stopping in mid-sentence to silence her was an intended affront, and she took it that way. She may have earned it, but she's been acting that way for a long time, and the last supervisor found a way to get along with her. You can, too.

This is what you need to do. I think you meant to say that person is twice your age. You might try asking her for advice sometimes, rather than being adversarial with her and resenting her attempts to contribute. As a manager, you need to make everyone feel useful and appreciated.

 

[FredinFL]

I disagree. You can't keep letting her swipe at you like that, it's not good for the rest of the team to see her getting away with it. Bring her in, sit her down and speak to her like the supervisor you are. Explain to her that you don't appreciate her attitude and ask her if there is something specific she has a problem with. If not, then tell her point blank that the sniping needs to stop NOW.

The other choice is to consistently and firmly shut her down EVERYTIME she starts doing it.

Either way, she needs to learn to shut up.

 

[Carly_Roach]

I think all this advice needs to be tempered with the fact that this problematic person is going to be gone in less than a year. Team-building suggestions don't necessarily apply in this situation. I think what would be important to the OP is how everyone ELSE is going to be treating her as a manager, especially after the old nosy-body has left the building.

I agree with most of Imzadi's advice about demonstrating alpha-dog behavior. However, I believe the OP would be showing maturity if she were to behave a bit more condescendingly and forgiving of the short-timer - at least in front of the people who are going to be staying on after Gertrude the Tank retires.

Behaving as though her behavior has no relevance to how you are directing another employee demonstrates an alpha-dog attitude because it shows confidence. I wouldn't tolerate interruptions or obvious attempts to butt in where her advice wasn't requested, but neither would I make a mountain out of this situation. This particular employee has no stake in maintaining her "team" attitude. All efforts to turn her in that direction WILL fail because she is, after all, a short-timer.

I've spent many years in corporate America and can play the P/A game with the best of them if I choose (I merely try not to make that choice if at all possible). So if you're into these particular P/A office games, I'd suggest referring to her upcoming retirement as much as possible (and as positively as possible) when her attitude turns sour. This will demonstrate to others that while her experienced advice may be welcome, it is only welcome when actively sought.

It also reminds those who may be choosing Gertie the Tank's side to play their office politics on will still be there under your direction, at your mercy when it comes to favors, reviews and promotions, and possibly out in the cold after Gertie has sailed off into the sunset and left them holding the bag.

Of course, all of this third-party advice takes a back seat to how your boss would prefer you to handle it. That person has the final say on everything.

 

[OceanAnnie]

I think all this advice needs to be tempered with the fact that this problematic person is going to be gone in less than a year. Team-building suggestions don't necessarily apply in this situation. I think what would be important to the OP is how everyone ELSE is going to be treating her as a manager, especially after the old nosy-body has left the building.

I agree with most of Imzadi's advice about demonstrating alpha-dog behavior. However, I believe the OP would be showing maturity if she were to behave a bit more condescendingly and forgiving of the short-timer - at least in front of the people who are going to be staying on after Gertrude the Tank retires.

Behaving as though her behavior has no relevance to how you are directing another employee demonstrates an alpha-dog attitude because it shows confidence. I wouldn't tolerate interruptions or obvious attempts to butt in where her advice wasn't requested, but neither would I make a mountain out of this situation. This particular employee has no stake in maintaining her "team" attitude. All efforts to turn her in that direction WILL fail because she is, after all, a short-timer.

I've spent many years in corporate America and can play the P/A game with the best of them if I choose (I merely try not to make that choice if at all possible). So if you're into these particular P/A office games, I'd suggest referring to her upcoming retirement as much as possible (and as positively as possible) when her attitude turns sour. This will demonstrate to others that while her experienced advice may be welcome, it is only welcome when actively sought.

It also reminds those who may be choosing Gertie the Tank's side to play their office politics on will still be there under your direction, at your mercy when it comes to favors, reviews and promotions, and possibly out in the cold after Gertie has sailed off into the sunset and left them holding the bag.

Of course, all of this third-party advice takes a back seat to how your boss would prefer you to handle it. That person has the final say on everything.

I agree with Carly and Imzadi.

Good luck with this, OP. Doesn't sound like a good situation to be in, but count your lucky stars it is temporary.

 

[Disney Doll]

My thoughts:

~She is older than you and it seems like somewhere in your thinking you feel the need to repsect your elder to a certain extent. Very nice but not necessarily effective in this instance.
~Don't go to your boss. This is one you're going to need to handle yourself. If you constantly go to your boss, your co-workers and your boss are going to start to think that you cannot handle your job.
~If you are this woman's superior, you need to clearly state what your expectations are for her. If your expectation is that she come to you with an issue regarding one fo your group's clients, then you need to say "Mary, I understand that you are asking Other Manager Jim about the XYZ Account. Since that is one of my (sub)team's accounts, you need to come to me with questions". You have given her a directive. If then she doesn't follow the directive given by you, her superior, you have more recourse.
~If one of your team comes to YOU with a question and she starts to butt in, you need to continue to say "Mary, let's let Jack finish what he has to say and then I will be able to advise him. If I need your input I will come to you".
~Comments like "You're just a rookie" need to be answered with "But I am your superior, so I'll thank you not to be insulting".

In other words, you have to continue to put this woman in her place, in a professional manner, every time she acts up. She's testing you and trying to jockey for power, as PPs have said.

 

[FredinFL]

My advice is to follow the above advice with this caveat.

Be nice. Have a smile on your face, state what you want, reprimand her if you need to but do it nicely. Kill her with kindness, as you would a derelict old auntie. You can stake your claim, yet not be mean. It's the sweet ***** approach. Don't bend over backwards, yet never actually "backhand" her.

Example:

"Schmultzie, I understand you have something you'd like to input here, I need you to to wait until I'm finished speaking about this to Doris." said with big smile.

When she starts with smart mouth antics, begin speaking to another worker as if you didn't even hear her. Very helpful if you can begin speaking to the co-worker before Schmultzie is actually done speaking.

 

[frijolefrito]

Very simple and this happens to me all the time. I'm in the military and people are always trying to play pecking order. Normally I just show them a write up that I will give them the next time they disrespect me. Obviously you aren't in the military but this is what I would do.

You shouldn’t play nice in my opinion. Chop her off at the knees have her be angry with you and show all the other people in your job how you do business. Don’t put up with her crap pull her aside and explain what’s going on is unacceptable. After that say I already spoke to you once about this and write her up. There really is no reason for someone to gun for you. I’m a hard but fair boss myself so that’s how I handle things. Sure at first people don’t like it but it keeps extra office drama taken care of. In the end everyone loves me after they get over I’m not their doormat.

 

[burberryplaid]

Just wanted to thank everyone for the advice.

My boss was out today which means I was pretty much in charge so I had no time to deal with Marie (who was on her best behavior btw)

He did call to check on me and I told him we'd have to talk on Thursday (I have tomorrow off) Well he couldn't wait and he ended up calling me back at the end of the day. I ended up telling him about Friday and he agreed that what happened is unacceptable and agreed to let me handle it however I want/feel is appropriate. We also agreed to talk in person about it on Thursday. So, I am going to think about it tomorrow & take action on Thursday. (And FYI the reason he talked to her in the past about her behavior towards me was because I had only been there a month or so and when he asked me how it was going, I told him honestly how I was feeling. He talked to her because I was new, not because he thought I couldn't handle it.)

Thanks again...you all gave me a lot to think about!

 

[jen0610]

I agree with Carly and Imzadi.

Good luck with this, OP. Doesn't sound like a good situation to be in, but count your lucky stars it is temporary.

Right there with you. Imzadi and Carly pretty much hit on the head.

I would also like to point out, that just because the co-worker is approaching the age that she could retire, does not mean that it will happen - unless she has already started the paperwork for leaving the company.

I use to work with a lady, that sounded very much like the co-worker you are having issues with. If you held a position of authority and was much younger than her, she was very undermining of your authority and basicly down right rude in her off handed comments. When I got lead, which was over her position, she had been talking about how much she was looking forward to retirement, which she could have done a year prior due to her age. Five years later when I left the company, she was still talking about it. If I had waited, to nip her 'tude in the bud, based on her retirment status, it would have been a never ending nightmare.

While I wasn't her "supervisor", as leads we did everything a supervisor would do except hire and fire employees, I gave her a month to get use to the fact that I was over her in the department. I kept the manager up to date on her antics - which she saw many of herself. After the month, I told her that she and I and the manager was going to have a meeting. And with the manager that to support me, I laid it on the line for her and how she was going to treat me, as well as her younger co-workers. I told her that while I couldn't fire her, my imput into what she worked on, raises and bonuses, and performance review was going to happen. And as of this meeting, if the CEO, who we worked directly under, came and asked me who was the "dead weight" of the department - they were looking into reducing staff and she knew it - she would be at the top of my list and then the manager supported that fact, that the light bulb went on with her.

After that meeting, it was night and day in her attatude. The department was a much nicer place to spend 9+ hours a day in.

 

[FredinFL]

Very simple and this happens to me all the time. I'm in the military and people are always trying to play pecking order. Normally I just show them a write up that I will give them the next time they disrespect me. Obviously you aren't in the military but this is what I would do.

You shouldn’t play nice in my opinion. Chop her off at the knees have her be angry with you and show all the other people in your job how you do business. Don’t put up with her crap pull her aside and explain what’s going on is unacceptable. After that say I already spoke to you once about this and write her up. There really is no reason for someone to gun for you. I’m a hard but fair boss myself so that’s how I handle things. Sure at first people don’t like it but it keeps extra office drama taken care of. In the end everyone loves me after they get over I’m not their doormat.

I think I have a crush

 

[Mickeyistheman]

OP, I am really glad that you did speak with your boss.

I know many had said don't go to your boss and handle it on your own, sometimes you can do that other times you can't.

You do need to show that you have some authority and nip it in the bud now. I had the same issue last year with a fellow co worker, she was acting the same way and I had spoken to her in private and that didn't work and then I had to involve my boss and she was upset because I never came to her in the first place.

I think it just depends on the company as well.

Good Luck to you!

 

[daisax]

So much depends on what the actual chain of command is. If she literally reports to you (and it sounds like from the update that your boss agrees that she does) then you have to handle it. On the other hand, if you're superior to her but NOT technically her boss, that's when things get sticky.

I might be tempted to give her a copy of the employee handbook and a reminder of when her review will be taking place, and that she might want to brush up on the "professionalism" sections.

And if she goes on the offensive instead of taking the hint gracefully, state that the grace period is now over and future violations will be documented for the files. And of course none of us want that, so let's all just get along, shall we?