Dating question: Is it weird or creepy to ask someone out at a public place like the local gym or grocery store?

[Buzz Rules]

I do appreciate all the responses so far. Thanks everyone.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I’m a polite and kind person. I don’t think those are bad qualities to have. I didn’t say I was the “nice guy who finishes last” only that sometimes a lack of success in the dating world can sometimes feel that way. If I end up alone in the end, then it just wasn’t meant to be. I can accept being single but being a respectful and courteous person shouldn’t be a red flag (unlike a criminal record).

These weren't about you , these were a backing up statements towards the other poster's comment about "nice guys" being a red flag and I assume they were immediately responding because of your comment about "nice guys finishing last" because these days that phrase uttered by men is viewed differently (and for good reason the most extreme example being incels). Another poster said their husband was a nice guy well yeah but that is obviously not what is being referred to when talking about the dating scene.

There are ways of describing yourself and your qualities than saying you're a nice guy, that type of quality will show itself by actions or other words than just pointedly saying you're nice or focusing on that being a reason for women to be attracted to you or agree to go out with you. And I have no doubt that you are a polite and kind person

 

[Buzz Rules]

These weren't about you , these were a backing up statements towards the other poster's comment about "nice guys" being a red flag and I assume they were immediately responding because of your comment about "nice guys finishing last" because these days that phrase uttered by men is viewed differently (and for good reason the most extreme example being incels). Another poster said their husband was a nice guy well yeah but that is obviously not what is being referred to when talking about the dating scene.

There are ways of describing yourself and your qualities than saying you're a nice guy, that type of quality will show itself by actions or other words than just pointedly saying you're nice or focusing on that being a reason for women to be attracted to you or agree to go out with you. And I have no doubt that you are a polite and kind person

Thanks for clarifying. Dating is just starting to feeling like a winners vs losers type of thing. I don’t trust online dating so that’s part of the reason I made this thread, to see what places are or are not acceptable to ask someone out respectfully and not be a creep.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Thanks for clarifying. Dating is just starting to feeling like a winners vs losers type of thing. I don’t trust online dating so that’s part of the reason I made this thread, to see what places are or are not acceptable to ask someone out respectfully and not be a creep.

Yeah and online dating is where so many are at but the issues with online dating have existed for a very long time. I was in high school with my mom complaining that all the men she would meet on dating apps just wanted hook ups, that's basically the same now just that there's more apps to choose from lol.

 

[disneychrista]

I’m a polite and kind person. I don’t think those are bad qualities to have. I didn’t say I was the “nice guy who finishes last” only that sometimes a lack of success in the dating world can sometimes feel that way. If I end up alone in the end, then it just wasn’t meant to be. I can accept being single but being a respectful and courteous person shouldn’t be a red flag (unlike a criminal record).

Keep being you @Buzz Rules and if that doesn't work be someone else.


I am kidding, of course, but I do sometimes wish I could be someone else, just to see if the results would be any different. The one thing I have learned since I have ventured into the dating world (as a middle aged woman) is that dating is way more miss then hit. You then have to brush yourself off, regroup and try again.

 

[Buzz Rules]

Yeah and online dating is where so many are at but the issues with online dating have existed for a very long time. I was in high school with my mom complaining that all the men she would meet on dating apps just wanted hook ups, that's basically the same now just that there's more apps to choose from lol.

Stigmas in society in the dating world is also an issue nowadays too. If a 30 year old guy asks a 40 year old woman out, society’s response is usually that the guy wants something more automatically then getting to know the person. I wish society could just let people be genuine people.

 

[Buzz Rules]

Keep being you @Buzz Rules and if that doesn't work be someone else.


I am kidding, of course, but I do sometimes wish I could be someone else, just to see if the results would be any different. The one thing I have learned since I have ventured into the dating world (as a middle aged woman) is that dating is way more miss then hit. You then have to brush yourself off, regroup and try again.

True. But it seems missing is more common today because of online dating than in the past.

 

[disneychrista]

Yeah and online dating is where so many are at but the issues with online dating have existed for a very long time. I was in high school with my mom complaining that all the men she would meet on dating apps just wanted hook ups, that's basically the same now just that there's more apps to choose from lol.

Dating apps are the worst but where else are you supposed to meet anyone?

I feel @Buzz Rules pain when it comes to dating. And I think the older you get, especially when you are middle aged plus, like me, the more likely you are to find men who are not interested in more than hooking up. They are getting over a divorce and aren't interested in relationships. Or life long bachelors who want to stay that way. And SOOOO many of the profiles I have been running across are fake/scam profiles. I haven't figured out the scam yet but I know the female scammers are quick to ask the guy for money to come meet them. I've never been asked for money or anything like that but it is fairly obvious that they aren't who they are portraying.

 

[Buzz Rules]

Dating apps are the worst but where else are you supposed to meet anyone?

I feel @Buzz Rules pain when it comes to dating. And I think the older you get, especially when you are middle aged plus, like me, the more likely you are to find men who are not interested in more than hooking up. They are getting over a divorce and aren't interested in relationships. Or life long bachelors who want to stay that way. And SOOOO many of the profiles I have been running across are fake/scam profiles. I haven't figured out the scam yet but I know the female scammers are quick to ask the guy for money to come meet them. I've never been asked for money or anything like that but it is fairly obvious that they aren't who they are portraying.

@disneychrista, just know that there are genuine good guys out there and I’m sure you will find yours one day.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

True. But it seems missing is more common today because of online dating than in the past.

I'd say part of this is more courtship related or in other words because there were less apps to choose from in the past there was a smaller pool of parties and intentions may have taken longer to come out. With more apps out there people more or less have an easier time cutting to the chase if you will and hookups vs relationships vs committed relationships are something I think have gotten more prevalent these days, at least to me. It's easier I guess to move onto the next person rather than perhaps in the past where you'd spend more time invested before doing so. There's pros to that (such as finding out someone's poor intentions faster) but also cons to it (such as not feeling like you're getting a fair shot to get past even the first point of it).

 

[Buzz Rules]

They say there is an app for everything. If that were true, an app focused on genuine dating and nothing more would have been developed by now.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Dating apps are the worst but where else are you supposed to meet anyone?

I feel @Buzz Rules pain when it comes to dating. And I think the older you get, especially when you are middle aged plus, like me, the more likely you are to find men who are not interested in more than hooking up. They are getting over a divorce and aren't interested in relationships. Or life long bachelors who want to stay that way. And SOOOO many of the profiles I have been running across are fake/scam profiles. I haven't figured out the scam yet but I know the female scammers are quick to ask the guy for money to come meet them. I've never been asked for money or anything like that but it is fairly obvious that they aren't who they are portraying.

Yeah I totally feel for dating in general. My husband and I both have been like "IDK how people do it these days" just in the sense of where to go. And yeah catfishing, fudging or outright lying on your profile, or scamming is all too common these days how does anyone figure out who is real

Ideally you'd be able to organically meet people but I also think there's truth in understanding why someone may be put off by a stranger coming up to them (especially women) in a place just to ask on a date. If you're looking for a hook up these days okay maybe but what qualities are drawing you to a person other than your physical appearance in that context? And that's why I think the in person part is tricky (and we def. know why that is tricky in online dating)

Personally at my age (mid-30s) while flattering if someone thought I looked attractive enough to ask me after a brief conversation I also wouldn't know where it was going because of the time span spent actually getting to know me. OP mentioned "sometimes have a random conversation with someone who looks single (not wearing a ring) and seems to be enjoying the friendly small talk." Well small talk to Midwestern me equates to being something I do for literally every single person everywhere and in no way means because I'm engaged in it actively and earnestly that I'm looking for anything more than well that's just how people are around me. It also is such a brief amount of time that a connection for many (although I realize I could be wrong here) is probably not there on a deep enough level to want to get to know someone more in a romantic level which is what the OP is asking about.

And for clarification how I acted as a naive 19 year old college student is not how I would act now. No way at my age would I think how I met my husband would be right way for a long-term committed relationship no matter how I joke about it.

ETA: I should also mentioned when we went to Mexico earlier this month my husband and I left our rings at home. Now we actually bought cheap Walmart silicone 5-pack rings for each of us and wore those and we'll do that again for Mexico Europe but we could have easily not worn a ring, in fact my husband left his silicone ring in the room for a day and I forgot to put mine back on after getting a massage done. And again small talk, enjoying, etc is just how I am. Mother-in-law and step-father-in-law made buddy buddies with some NYers on our tour to Chichen Itza lol. We made some good chit chat time with people in the pool saw them multiple times over the days and my sister-in-law and her boyfriend played volleyball with a few people multiple days sometimes only sister-in-law was playing. Nothing about it just being the friendly way we are.

 

[disneychrista]

They say there is an app for everything. If that were true, an app focused on genuine dating and nothing more would have been developed by now.

Hinge is marketed as that but who knows if it is true or not. In my small town, there was no one on it when I tried it.

 

[Skywalker]

I'd say back in the days before Skynet trained humans to use The Internet for everything...this is exactly how it was done. See a stranger across a crowded room and take a chance.

 

[Buzz Rules]

Yeah I totally feel for dating in general. My husband and I both have been like "IDK how people do it these days" just in the sense of where to go. And yeah catfishing, fudging or outright lying on your profile, or scamming is all too common these days how does anyone figure out who is real

Ideally you'd be able to organically meet people but I also think there's truth in understanding why someone may be put off by a stranger coming up to them (especially women) in a place just to ask on a date. If you're looking for a hook up these days okay maybe but what qualities are drawing you to a person other than your physical appearance in that context? And that's why I think the in person part is tricky (and we def. know why that is tricky in online dating)

Personally at my age (mid-30s) while flattering if someone thought I looked attractive enough to ask me after a brief conversation I also wouldn't know where it was going because of the time span spent actually getting to know me. OP mentioned "sometimes have a random conversation with someone who looks single (not wearing a ring) and seems to be enjoying the friendly small talk." Well small talk to Midwestern me equates to being something I do for literally every single person everywhere and in no way means because I'm engaged in it actively and earnestly that I'm looking for anything more than well that's just how people are around me. It also is such a brief amount of time that a connection for many (although I realize I could be wrong here) is probably not there on a deep enough level to want to get to know someone more in a romantic level which is what the OP is asking about.

And for clarification how I acted as a naive 19 year old college student is not how I would act now. No way at my age would I think how I met my husband would be right way for a long-term committed relationship no matter how I joke about it.

From my experience, as an Eastcoaster, small talk (with the exception of business) was usually the first step in asking someone out. I get the cultural difference between the East coast and Midwest though.

 

[disneychrista]

From my experience, as an Eastcoaster, small talk (with the exception of business) was usually the first step in asking someone out. I get the cultural difference between the East coast and Midwest though.

I think regardless of where you live, asking someone out in any situation, even a dating app, small talk is the beginning step. That of course doesn't mean that everyone you have small talk with is someone you are interested in dating. As a single person, if I see an attractive guy at a brewery/bar and we chat, I always wonder if it could be a connection. But as of yet none asked for my number.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

From my experience, as an Eastcoaster, small talk (with the exception of business) was usually the first step in asking someone out. I get the cultural difference between the East coast and Midwest though.

Yeah we make small talk in lines, in an aisle, waiting on food at a fast food place, all over, really.

Funny story the new airport terminal they were getting a ton of complaints about the time it was taking to pick people up from the curb. Old airport you could actually sit at the curb for a bit before being shooed away. This new one you just can't do that. So they are trying to get people to either circle around or go to the cell phone lot and wait for the person to tell you they are physically at the curb. In any case the airport officials knew/know that the expectation is the you treat people more kind here. I've been to Boston airport and they are rude and have no qualms about kicking you out screaming whistles yelling, etc and that image was the exact opposite of what the airport officials wanted here because the public here doesn't want that either. That said with the Draft here they had to step up enforcement and have started issuing citations.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I think regardless of where you live, asking someone out in any situation, even a dating app, small talk is the beginning step. That of course doesn't mean that everyone you have small talk with is someone you are interested in dating. As a single person, if I see an attractive guy at a brewery/bar and we chat, I always wonder if it could be a connection. But as of yet none asked for my number.

I'll have to slightly disagree with you about wherever you live. It can make a difference even where I am in a metro vs somewhere rural never mind different regions.

From where I was coming from reading the OP's wording and even yours that I think you'd (general you) have to be careful about is walking around with the idea that you should ask out anyone who is making small talk with you (even if they appear to be enjoying it) and looks good. It can slide into a transactional way of viewing what I assume most are talking about a meaningful relationship. If someone is just nice, looks good, and engages in conversation does that make them someone you want to date or is this more superficial? I do think it's totally fine if you feel a good connection, if you think there's a good vibe going to want to have the opportunity to learn more about someone by asking them out but not merely because they look good and engage well in small talk. That's where I can see the line sliding more into what the OP was concerned about.

 

[DLgal]

I think regardless of where you live, asking someone out in any situation, even a dating app, small talk is the beginning step. That of course doesn't mean that everyone you have small talk with is someone you are interested in dating. As a single person, if I see an attractive guy at a brewery/bar and we chat, I always wonder if it could be a connection. But as of yet none asked for my number.

So why aren't you asking for the numbers?

I landed my husband by making the first move. We have been married 23 years. Together for 26. Prior to him, I dated a guy who I ALSO walked up to (he was a complete stranger at the time) at the mall and asked him out. We dated for like 2 years and are still friends. He said he always admired me for doing what I did. Guys like it.

You miss 100% of the shots you don't take.

If I found myself single again (knock wood), I'd do it again. Life's too short.

 

[disneychrista]

So why aren't you asking for the numbers?

I am never sure if I am reading the signals correctly. Plus at this point I want the guy to want to ask me out. I know it is silly but the few relationships I have had I always felt like I was the one keeping things going. So now I figure if they wanted to ask me out they would.