Dad's 80th birthday wish... but I don't think I can make it happen... Update 10/5

[LovesTimone]

My Dad's 80th birthday is next year in March. We were talking about it the other day. He said for his birthday, he would like for everyone to be together and celebrate. Which is a simple request. Unfortunately with the way that things stand between my Brother and I, as well as the issue with them( my brother and his wife) and our parents... I can't see it happening.

My brother and I are at odds, and I really don't know why. I'm sure if you ask his wife she could produce a list of all the infraction that she thinks we have committed against them, or my brother his list would start back from when we were kids, something that I did to him, like hide his GI Joe's, or I got a bigger piece of cake and one Christmas I got more presents then he did... the list goes on and on.... I'm older by 6 years.

I use to try to work things out, but a several years ago I just said I'm done. I'm not tippy toeing, watching every thing I say and bowing down to them any more, and playing nice. My brother and I have never had a close relationship, but for a while we did have a good relationship, I have tried to just have a relationship with him, like having lunch once in a while to catch up, but that was short lived. They have treated my parent terrible at times, and been nasty to my mom. My mom is a very nervous and emotional person, she does suffer from depression and has quite a few other health problems and lots of med's. There is so much water under the bridge, I could be here all day with all the issues.

I wish I could make it happen and I feel guilty that I won't be able to make it happen... I just don't know how to tell him its not going to happen. I am planning on my family and parents getting together for a little party, but including my brother and his family is not in the cards.

Update:

My Dad called me the other day and said that he had changed his mind, and wants just to celebrate his 80th with just my family. I asked are you sure and what made him change his mind?... His response was "you know how your brother is"... So I left it at that.

I think that we are going to go to the Boathouse, and either going up in the balloon or ride the water cars. I will make it special for him and my mom.

I will find out what happened from my mom next week when I go over to see them.

 

[tazdev3225]

I went through this recently with my mother's 80th birthday. My one brother has refused to speak to any of us for the past 7 or 8 years. We all slighted him in some way in his petty little mind. My dad had cancer 3 years ago and my brother wouldn't even call to see if dad was OK not wanting to be "drug into all their drama". One of my brothers has minimal contact and had let the other brother know what was going on.

I knew that my mothers greatest wish was to see my brother. I was on the fence as I didn't need the drama to ruin her party. I invited said brother and he never responded and did not put in an appearance. Part of me was saddened by the hurt look on my mom's face but I was so thankful that she had a wonderful party with no drama. Her other 4 children, all the grandkids and great grandkids were there in one place for the first time so it helped. If your parents are aware of the drama they know getting together with your brothers family is not a good thing. Explain to your dad you want him to have a HAPPY birthday and spending time with each family, separately, is the best way to make sure this happens.

Good Luck.

 

[Southernmiss]

I think there's a lot of time between now and March to reach out and ask brother to be nice for one day and put side my own feelings to do the one thing my parent wants.

I would at least try to make an inroad.

 

[luvsJack]

Can you and your brother be around each other at all without him or his wife starting something?

I would talk to your Dad about it. And figure out if he really wants everyone together with the way things are or is he wishful for a “happy” family gathering where the drama won’t be.

If it’s the second, I would suggest to him that it’s not possible and kind of go from there.

If it’s the first, then I would plan and extend an ivitation to your brother letting him know this is the birthday your dad wants. Then the ball is in his court.

As a parent sometimes you just want all of your kids under the same roof at the same time.

 

[ronandannette]

Honestly, I think the only thing to do here if you really want to honour your DDad’s request is to be the bigger person. Arrange the party in a neutral location (like your parent’s house) and invite everyone your DDad wants invited. If they choose not to attend because you’re there, well, that’s on them. If they do attend just stay busy and engaged with the other guests and refuse to be drawn into conflict for the 3 or so hours you need to be together.

Be smart about it - don’t try to share the planning, work or expense with your brother and don’t engage with him about a lot of details beforehand. Make sure you have separate accommodations (if you don’t live local) so you don’t all have to spend the night together. And for Pete’s sake, don’t draw your parents into it or try to get them to take sides. You could be 100% in the right here but this isn’t about that. It’s one simple afternoon - you can do this.

 

[Nancyg56]

My family’s been through something like this, with my older sister. Frankly I had been estranged for years, and while I lived her I was not able to accept something she had done. Anyway my siblings and my mom mended fences to an extent and I dnd my family were cordial. As my mom’s health deteriorated we all made a greater effort for her.

I am not going to kid you, it was not easy, however every time together was easier and we were able to rekindle a relationship that lasted after my mom’s passing and until my sister passed away.

If this matters to you and you really want to try to honor your parents wish, reach out to your brother. Be objective about the occasion, and be sure to let him know that this is special. Do not rehash any issues if they come up. If he expresses concerns about how his family will react or be treated assure him that this is s happy occasion and will only be centered on your parents. If he chooses not to accept give in gracefully and tell him that there will be room at the table for the family if they reconsider.

 

[kamik86]

Honestly, I think the only thing to do here if you really want to honour your DDad’s request is to be the bigger person. Arrange the party in a neutral location (like your parent’s house) and invite everyone your DDad wants invited. If they choose not to attend because you’re there, well, that’s on them. If they do attend just stay busy and engaged with the other guests and refuse to be drawn into conflict for the 3 or so hours you need to be together.

Be smart about it - don’t try to share the planning, work or expense with your brother and don’t engage with him about a lot of details beforehand. Make sure you have separate accommodations (if you don’t live local) so you don’t all have to spend the night together. And for Pete’s sake, don’t draw your parents into it or try to get them to take sides. You could be 100% in the right here but this isn’t about that. It’s one simple afternoon - you can do this.

This was going to be what I said. Just plan something and invite them. If they can also be an adult for a few hours and show up for your dad everything will work out. If they can't well you at least have the knowledge that you tried to make Dad's wish come true.

 

[lorimay]

Life is short, try and work this out. For your parents.
Tomorrow is promised to no one.

Your brother needs to swallow his pride and make his dad happy, its really a little thing. A few hours to make an 80 year old man happy.

 

[amcnj]

I would say reach out to your brother and mention how it is the 80th birthday and this is the one thing your father has asked for. Of course this is easy for me to say as I don’t have the complete picture of your family’s current state of cooperation and approachability. Hopefully everyone can make this birthday wish happen for your father’s sake. If not, at least you tried.

 

[mom2rtk]

You don't need a resolution of all past problems. Just a one day truce. Reach out to your brother and ask if the 2 of you can just have a one day truce for your 80 year old father's sake. If your brother can't do it, at least you move forward knowing you tried.

Dad didn't ask for a rehashing or compromise or life long commitment to get along. Just one party.

 

[Marchand63]

I would also give brother the option for your Dad's sake. It is all about him after all.

Then I would spend the whole party, if he decides to come, being on the opposite side of the hall or house. Minimal interaction.

 

[Micca]

Could there be a truce just for the one day of the party? You don't have to patch up years of animosity, just ask your brother if he'd show up for your dad for his birthday. Barring that, maybe you could do something with your dad over a weekend where one day is you, the next day is your brother. It wouldn't be everyone together at once, but at least your dad gets to see his kids on his birthday. Good luck!

ETA: @mom2rtk I guess we can open our therapy clinic now that we are in total agreement

 

[Wishing on a star]

Okay, I know that this is just SO difficult and maybe painful.
But, I will offer some simple, sage, advice, that might help.

Remember, you can not be responsible for anyone else's behaviors, actions, attitudes.
Only your own.

I would not 'beg'.
I would not exclude anyone.
I would not make excuses....

I think you should make sure to have nice plans made, and set, well in advance.
Put the invitation and information out there...
And how everyone else happens to respond is really up to them!!!

Remember, if you 'beg', or 'ask for a truce', then to your brother the implication in his mind will be that he is being blamed for the need for a truce. People who are perpetually offended and 'falling on knives' will defiinitely do so, once again. To say, can we call a truce, or can you 'be nice for one day', will be heard as you are a jerk and can you not be a jerk. I can see that going over like a lead balloon.

Send the invitation out.. State clearly that "Dad would love to see everyone there. It would mean a lot to him..."

Do what YOU can do to make this event happen.
And just know that you have done everything possible, and you really have nothing to regret or feel guilty about.

 

[jrmasm]

My Dad's 80th birthday is next year in March. We were talking about it the other day. He said for his birthday, he would like for everyone to be together and celebrate. Which is a simple request. Unfortunately with the way that things stand between my Brother and I, as well as the issue with them( my brother and his wife) and our parents... I can't see it happening.

My brother and I are at odds, and I really don't know why. I'm sure if you ask his wife she could produce a list of all the infraction that she thinks we have committed against them, or my brother his list would start back from when we were kids, something that I did to him, like hide his GI Joe's, or I got a bigger piece of cake and one Christmas I got more presents then he did... the list goes on and on.... I'm older by 6 years.

I use to try to work things out, but a several years ago I just said I'm done. I'm not tippy toeing, watching every thing I say and bowing down to them any more, and playing nice. My brother and I have never had a close relationship, but for a while we did have a good relationship, I have tried to just have a relationship with him, like having lunch once in a while to catch up, but that was short lived. They have treated my parent terrible at times, and been nasty to my mom. My mom is a very nervous and emotional person, she does suffer from depression and has quite a few other health problems and lots of med's. There is so much water under the bridge, I could be here all day with all the issues.

I wish I could make it happen and I feel guilty that I won't be able to make it happen... I just don't know how to tell him its not going to happen. I am planning on my family and parents getting together for a little party, but including my brother and his family is not in the cards.

I understand.

 

[SharonZ]

My dad was dying of cancer, and he hadn't spoken to his sister in over 15 years. Another situation where neither one could remember what it was about. I knew he would be thrilled to talk to her again. I didn't have a valid phone number, had no clue what state she lived in, or whether she would even talk to me. I finally tracked her down, made the phone call, told he what was going on, and guess what -- she called him immediately, and was on a plane to visit him within 3 days. Point being, you never know unless you try. I think at 80 year young, he deserves the only gift that he wants.

 

[gotomu212]

I have extended family that I have cut off contact with, but occasionally at weddings or funerals we find ourselves in the same place. There’s a polite nod across a room and everyone goes about their business. It doesn’t mean that we are reconciled or even that I approve of them- just that we’re capable of being within 50 ft and not insulting each other.

Not to sound morbid but I assume you’ll see your brother at your eventual parents’ funerals so why not try to give your dad his wish so he can at least enjoy being in the same room together? Personally I’d reach out to brother and say “dad has asked if we can all come together for his birthday party on x date, at x place. I’d like to be able to do that without any drama, can we agree to a truce that day for dad’s sake?” Then leave it at that. If he shoots back with anything, we’ll you tried.

 

[OhhBother]

Life is too short. Put aside your feelings for a day and do this for your dad. At least try.

 

[jerseygal]

I think there's a lot of time between now and March to reach out and ask brother to be nice for one day and put side my own feelings to do the one thing my parent wants.

I would at least try to make an inroad.

Very well said. We have all probably been through ALOT of family stuff, BUT no one said that we "pick our families".....For those of you, who are very "blessed" not to have gone through extended "family stuff", you are truly blessed. My personal take away is that because of the family issues, the silver lining is that our adult sons are extremely close and connected because they have seen the sadness that extended family issues that both DH and I have dealt with.
For the sake of your Dad, spending several hours celebrating his birthday with his daughter, son, and their families for an "80th" would obviously make him very happy.
HOPEFULLY, you and your brother and your spouses and families can make that happen for a few hours for a lovely 80th birthday celebration! HAPPY AND HEALTHY "80" to your Dad!

 

[dyna]

Well I did not get along OR even like my brothers who went beyond being mean to me as kids as adults they sexually abused me for years. They we a few yrs older than me.

Out of RESPECT for my parents I and my DH an children did attend every Christmas and other family events. It was not the time to be petty it was a time for my parents to enjoy an maybe pretend we was 1 happy family.

Did I enjoy myself not always but I did make the best of it.

 

[DISNEYSQUIRRELS]

LOL @LovesTimone! I had to stop & double check if I posted this message in my sleep or something!
Please know you are not alone, families are complicated.
I hope everything works out,