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This gave me a few laughs...enjoy!
Grousing about the mouse and his evil empire, Disney
By Peter Chianca
Thursday, October 10, 2002
Well, it's about time somebody said it. Those people at Disney are a bunch of sons of &%$#@s.
Oh sure, they seem harmless on the surface. They're the nice people who make movies about doggies and kitties and lions, but not fierce lions - happy lions, who sing.
Of course, that's exactly what they want you to think.
I realized otherwise last week, when I was tripping over all the other brainwashed parents to get a copy of "Monsters, Inc." before it sells out or gets put into the Disney "vault." The vault is where Disney puts movies to punish parents who don't snap them up fast enough - picture a big, mouse-shaped bank safe slamming shut as parents duke it out for the last copies, with Michael Eisner standing on a catwalk above them cackling in German.
But at least the movies tend to be pretty good. What really gets me is the hundreds of toys tied into every film, and the slew of different toys released when the movie comes out on video or DVD, so your kids can hit you up again. This explains why, even though the movie came out over 10 years ago - before your child was even born - you may find yourself shelling out $29.50 for a "Beauty and the Beast" Interactive Light-Up Vanity in October 2002.
I'm aware of that particular product, because I made the mistake of ordering something from Disney a few years ago, and I now receive the Disney catalogue. In fact, I receive multiple copies of the Disney catalogue, or I should say catalogues, since Disney appears to mint a new one every three or four days. Before long I expect Disney catalogues to start arriving in droves through the chimney, like Harry Potter's letters from Hogwarts.
But actually reading the catalogue can be a disturbing experience, since it makes you realize they probably wouldn't be making this stuff if people weren't buying it. For instance, I saw "The Nightmare Before Christmas," and I can't imagine anybody left the theater wondering, "Where can I get a $136 Jack Skellington figure sculpted in resin?" And yet, there it is. Maybe they put something in the popcorn.
Most of the catalogue, though, is filled with clothing covered in Disney characters. I'll admit these can serve a useful purpose: to convince your child to use the potty. In fact, is there a good reason to give up diapers other than the prospect of wearing Buzz Lightyear underwear? I imagine if you're 3 you'd be really hard pressed to think of one; I'm having trouble at 34.
But as for all those grown-up clothes adorned with the likes of Pooh and Goofy, I just don't get it. Are men across America clamoring for a golf shirt with Piglet on it? Or a giant fuzzy Tigger costume? It's a known fact that if you show up at a Halloween party wearing one of those, all the dads dressed as Dracula and the Hulk will pelt you with Mary Janes.
Such is the power of Disney brainwashing that you somehow feel you need this stuff. The zenith of this effect occurs at Disney World, where, completely cut off from the real world, you wind up shelling out actual money to buy things like Mickey and Minnie salt shakers, which will taunt you the minute you take them out of your suitcase - it's like waking up from a drunken binge to realize you invested in Tyco.
I've thought about a boycott, but that would mean trying to shelter my kids from all the movies and toys, not to mention the McDonald's tie-ins, the fruit snacks, the wall decorations, the DVDs, the Special Edition DVDs and the Expanded Gold Masterpiece Edition DVDs. I'd have to move somewhere without televisions, movie theaters, stores, supermarkets or the Internet, like Uxbridge.
No, I guess I just have to accept that there's no escaping Disney, or the fact that they'll continue to come up with new and innovative ways to separate me from my money. But at least I can make sure they never take my pride.
That's right - when it comes to my underwear, I'm sticking with SpongeBob SquarePants.
Peter Chianca is a managing editor for Community Newspaper Company. E-mail him at pchianca@cnc.com.
Grousing about the mouse and his evil empire, Disney
By Peter Chianca
Thursday, October 10, 2002
Well, it's about time somebody said it. Those people at Disney are a bunch of sons of &%$#@s.
Oh sure, they seem harmless on the surface. They're the nice people who make movies about doggies and kitties and lions, but not fierce lions - happy lions, who sing.
Of course, that's exactly what they want you to think.
I realized otherwise last week, when I was tripping over all the other brainwashed parents to get a copy of "Monsters, Inc." before it sells out or gets put into the Disney "vault." The vault is where Disney puts movies to punish parents who don't snap them up fast enough - picture a big, mouse-shaped bank safe slamming shut as parents duke it out for the last copies, with Michael Eisner standing on a catwalk above them cackling in German.
But at least the movies tend to be pretty good. What really gets me is the hundreds of toys tied into every film, and the slew of different toys released when the movie comes out on video or DVD, so your kids can hit you up again. This explains why, even though the movie came out over 10 years ago - before your child was even born - you may find yourself shelling out $29.50 for a "Beauty and the Beast" Interactive Light-Up Vanity in October 2002.
I'm aware of that particular product, because I made the mistake of ordering something from Disney a few years ago, and I now receive the Disney catalogue. In fact, I receive multiple copies of the Disney catalogue, or I should say catalogues, since Disney appears to mint a new one every three or four days. Before long I expect Disney catalogues to start arriving in droves through the chimney, like Harry Potter's letters from Hogwarts.
But actually reading the catalogue can be a disturbing experience, since it makes you realize they probably wouldn't be making this stuff if people weren't buying it. For instance, I saw "The Nightmare Before Christmas," and I can't imagine anybody left the theater wondering, "Where can I get a $136 Jack Skellington figure sculpted in resin?" And yet, there it is. Maybe they put something in the popcorn.
Most of the catalogue, though, is filled with clothing covered in Disney characters. I'll admit these can serve a useful purpose: to convince your child to use the potty. In fact, is there a good reason to give up diapers other than the prospect of wearing Buzz Lightyear underwear? I imagine if you're 3 you'd be really hard pressed to think of one; I'm having trouble at 34.
But as for all those grown-up clothes adorned with the likes of Pooh and Goofy, I just don't get it. Are men across America clamoring for a golf shirt with Piglet on it? Or a giant fuzzy Tigger costume? It's a known fact that if you show up at a Halloween party wearing one of those, all the dads dressed as Dracula and the Hulk will pelt you with Mary Janes.
Such is the power of Disney brainwashing that you somehow feel you need this stuff. The zenith of this effect occurs at Disney World, where, completely cut off from the real world, you wind up shelling out actual money to buy things like Mickey and Minnie salt shakers, which will taunt you the minute you take them out of your suitcase - it's like waking up from a drunken binge to realize you invested in Tyco.
I've thought about a boycott, but that would mean trying to shelter my kids from all the movies and toys, not to mention the McDonald's tie-ins, the fruit snacks, the wall decorations, the DVDs, the Special Edition DVDs and the Expanded Gold Masterpiece Edition DVDs. I'd have to move somewhere without televisions, movie theaters, stores, supermarkets or the Internet, like Uxbridge.
No, I guess I just have to accept that there's no escaping Disney, or the fact that they'll continue to come up with new and innovative ways to separate me from my money. But at least I can make sure they never take my pride.
That's right - when it comes to my underwear, I'm sticking with SpongeBob SquarePants.
Peter Chianca is a managing editor for Community Newspaper Company. E-mail him at pchianca@cnc.com.
So true!
