Culture differences in dating

[monkey68]

I've been dating this great guy for some time now. I love him, I can't imagine my life without him. He makes me so happy, and he is so sweet to me. But we are from 2 very different cultures and backgrounds. My family is from Russia, our traditions and cultures are quite a bit different from his family's more American ways. He's really sweet and understanding, and he's trying to learn Russian for me.

But lately, we've been talking marriage, and that's causing me to think about having kids with this guy. I want my kids to know Russian and read Russian stories and basically understand where they come from. But how much of the language will the kids know if only one parent speaks it? And then raising kids, our parents have very different parenting styles. My parents were rather strict, and expected good things from us, whereas his parents were more free and relaxed with how they were raised. So then who's parents do we model our parenting on?

Like I said, I can't imagine my life without this guy. But are we going to have a more difficult time in the future because of the culture differences? Or do they really not matter all that much? He already said he wouldn't mind putting up a New Years tree every year, and he loves Russian cuisine, so that wouldn't be an issue, but what about other things? Although there hasn't been too many issues yet (other than my grandparents not being able to pronounce or remember his name for some reason), but I feel like it will inevitably come up at some point, no? Does anyone have any experience?

 

[NEVERENOUGHWDW]

From your post it doesn't matter what we think, you have made it very clear that there are major issues that you are thinking about and have you very concerned.
One thing I would want to ask is if you knew you wanted children in the future why would you even start dating someone with a different cultural background. Also, it seems you are much more comfortable with your culture so why wouldn't you return to the country where you are comfortable with everyone's background, language, food, holiday, etc.
Something that confuses me is the confusion people have when they come to the United States. People will do anything to come hear but then want their culture to stay in tact.
Stories of my Grandparents & Great Grandparents always rang the same distant bell.....we/they came here to be American, act American & allow their children to be American. They were so proud to be Americans. Now there is such a push to come to America & not want to be American.
I don't understand it....you can't have it both ways. You have to give these decisions some time & serious soul searching especially if children are being considered.
I also feel bad for the man in your life, he may be punished because his family "acts to American"? I imagine you knew he was American the first time you met him.

 

[monkey68]

I guess i should have made it clear, I am first generation American, and have no plans to return to Russia except for a short visit. I don't see what's so wrong about wanting to preserve your culture though, even if you move to another country. It's like the little neighborhoods that pop up all over the country. Nobody is saying the people in Little Italy in NYC should act more American. Why is it so bad to want to remember a part of who you are? And why is it so terrible that I would want my kids to have the same fun at New Years with a tree and Grandfather Frost, like I had, or want them to enjoy the same foods I like? Although the food is a non issue, because my BF happens to love Russian food.

As for why we started dating, we started as friends first. You can't always help who you fall in love with. I'm not making my BF learn Russian, that's something he decided to do on his own so he can better communicate with my grandparents who don't speak much English.

It's not a matter of my not wanting to be American, it's about wanting to keep my heritage alive. American is a melting pot filled with people from different countries, so why is it so wrong to want to bring pieces of you wherever you go? I'm sure you go and eat at Japanese restaurants, or French restaurants or Italian restaurants, but that's not very American either. Why not tell thsoe people they should close down because they're in America and shouldn't bring their food here?

 

[#1hockeymom]

I'm sixth generation American Polish and still relish the fact that some of our cultural history has been passed down. I wish I could speak more, but alas, happy birthday and goodbye are about the only words I know.

My bil married a lady from China about seven years ago. They have a son who speaks fluent Mandarin and English. He knows two cultures very well and they are mixed up at home. There is nothing wrong with teaching your children more than one custom, it should, infact, be encouraged! My children know all types of religious and ethnic customs, some of which they have no lineage.

 

[moon]

I'm sixth generation American Polish and still relish the fact that some of our cultural history has been passed down. I wish I could speak more, but alas, happy birthday and goodbye are about the only words I know.

My bil married a lady from China about seven years ago. They have a son who speaks fluent Mandarin and English. He knows two cultures very well and they are mixed up at home. There is nothing wrong with teaching your children more than one custom, it should, infact, be encouraged! My children know all types of religious and ethnic customs, some of which they have no lineage.

ITA. I think that speaking at least a second langauge and be familiar with different cultures and customs is a wonderful thing.

Like Monkey68 said, places like little Italy and little China wanted to preserve some of their culture. I think they did a wonderful thing, otherwise, how boring would America be, such a big country with an homogeneous culture, cusine etc?

As for the original question, many, many couples with diferent cultures manage to adapt. I've seen children who learn a language with only one parent -sometimes even just the grandparents- speaking it. It can work out as long as both parents are flexible.

 

[Swimnoid]

I applaud you for wanting to keep your culture alive. You need to have some real heart-to-hearts with your BF to see where he stands on all of the subjects you are concerned about. It sounds like he would support your desire for this....he's taking Russian! Just make sure you and he discuss and agree on whatever direction you take.

 

[shelemm]

It sounds to me like you have so much to be thankful for. A devoted love interest who started off as a friend. Someone who is interested in your culture and is willing to try and learn a different language.

So many things can get in the way between two people no matter their heritage. The key is complete transparency. Totally honest and open communication. As a couple you will have to overcome obstacles in your life even more serious than what you described.

If you want your children to learn and understand an important part of their heritage, than there is nothing stopping you from doing that if you start at an early age. Your children will want to emulate you. They will want to share that with you. So unless your love interest gives you an indication that he is somehow against this idea, I think you should rejoice in your blessings.

 

[Michelle67]

Well...all I can say is that other than the language, the rest of those are issues that all people have to confront and negotiate when they are ready to marry and have children. Even umpteenth generation American couples have different upbringings, traditions, etc. FWIW, my family and friendship base are multi-cultural, and I will say that the children whose parent has chosen to keep their first (or other, as the case may be) language alive are fluent in that language. One friend's FIL refuses to speak English at all and her children easily transition from English to Spanish to speak to Grandpa. Since your parents are still alive and speak Russian, your children will have others to keep that language in their minds, as well as yourself.

My honest opinion is that it sounds like you have a wonderful man who is willing to embrace your culture and traditions with open arms. If you love one another and your basic morals are compatible, I say don't let a wonderful man slip away.

 

[barkley]

i would suggest you speak to your boyfriend and find out what his views on parenting are. just because his parents were/are 'free and relaxed' does not mean that is how he desires to raise his children, he may have attitudes and ideas about child rearing that are very different from the way he was raised (my dh and i were raised in manners very different ways and both chose not to raise our children in either manner). prior to having this discussion look at how you would raise your children-is it identical to how you were raised? think about it and be prepared to discuss what you perceive as how you would desire to be a parent.

as to a child's ability to learn a language when only one parent is fluent-absolutly yes, it can work. i have known children who had parents whose native languages were non english and entirely different from one anothers, they each taught their children from birth their individual languages in addition to english (speaking, and when the time came-reading and writing) to tremendous success. what impressed me especially was how fluent the other parent became by virtue of thier child learning the other parent's language so it became a learning experience for the entire family-and it realy became a bonding issue for extended family members who were better able to communicate not only with the children but the in law (and i have seen tremendous respect and appreciation on the part of these relatives that their language was integrated into the home so that their beloved 'babies' were able to fluently speak with them).

honestly, i don't see it as a huge problem to integrate your cultural heritage with his. i suspect that there may be a good deal of common ground. i would suspect that if you are of different religions and either or both of you have strong beliefs on how your children will be raised theologicaly there needs to be some tremendous soul searching and discussion, but if it's strictly integration of and appreciation of both your backgrounds, so long as you are both aware of and supportive of doing so it is not a difficult undertaking.

 

[manning]

Your kids will have a big advantage learning russian and english at a very young age and that is they will have no accent in either language.

It has something with the brain's learning ability at a young age.

My wife is polish and came here when she was three. She can speak english and polish without an accent.

I remember reading about this years ago. It has to do with the way the brain processes the info.

let's say your native language is english. When you talk your brain is processing everything in english. Now you learn polish when you are 25 years old. When your brain hears/speaks polish it will first translate everything to english process it in english and translate back to polish.

A person who learns a different language at a very young age does not do this. When they speak/hear polish they will think in polish. The translating process is eliminated. I hope I got that right, as I said I read that years ago.

 

[Darcy03231]

One of my co-workers married a woman from Russia (he worked over there for two years). They are now living in the US and have a little girl. Her mom speaks to her only in Russian (even though she's fluent in English) and her dad in English. She completely bilingual. If you ask her a question in Russian she'll answer in Russian. If you ask in in English she answers in English.

They do go to visit Russia at least once a year. I also know they cook some traditional Russian foods at times and celebrate Russian holidays. If both parties want to I don't see why you can't keep both cultures alive in your household.

The bigger issue here is how to raise your children. You would have to come to some agreement on that first. Perhaps premarital counseling could help with that.

 

[torinsmom]

I would definitely sit down with your bf and talk about these issues, so that you are on the same page. Just remember that there may be issues for him as well, and you both may need to give a little. As a teacher, I have seen many mixed-ethnicity families such as Chinese/American, German/American, Polish/French, Latino/American. We had one child who(at 5) spoke German, English and French all fluently.

When I was a nanny, one family had a mom from Puerto Rico and a dad who was American. Although the dad understood and spoke a lot of spanish, he only spoke English to the children and the mom(who understood and spoke fluent English) only spoke Spanish to them. The kids were fluent in both by 2-3 years old. I would think you would want one parent to speak English-I have gotten some children in my class who could not understand/speak any English because the parents were trying to keep their culture(in this case Indian) alive. It was a very sad situation, because we did not know Hindi and the children had never been away from home.

How about religion--are you on the same page about that issue? IME, that can cause more problems than ethnic differences.

Marsha

 

[The Mystery Machine]

It's not a matter of my not wanting to be American, it's about wanting to keep my heritage alive. American is a melting pot filled with people from different countries, so why is it so wrong to want to bring pieces of you wherever you go? I'm sure you go and eat at Japanese restaurants, or French restaurants or Italian restaurants, but that's not very American either. Why not tell thsoe people they should close down because they're in America and shouldn't bring their food here?

Who is saying that it is wrong to live your culture in your family? Are you getting resistance somewhere?

Religion is the biggie as someone mentioned. Where do you sit with raising kids on that issue?

Also make sure you teach your child to write the language, not just speak it.

 

[sunnyday123]

I see nothing wrong with keeping your heritage alive, but what about his? Every family has traditions, and you did'nt mention anything about what he does, he likes, and what compromises you are willing to make for him. Just what you can do to make him follow yours. How about food? Do you like anything that he likes? Celebrating Thanksgiving? Pretty sure Russia doesn't have that.

Parenting and religion are the big ones here. They should defintely be discussed, especially since it sounds like you want it your way, with your traditions, your foods, your languages.

Compromise is big in a marriage, and it's something you do just about every darn day. But both have to be willing to bend. I know a couple who were married about 7 years ago, are still married, but barely speak to one another. He is jewish and she is catholic. He refuses to have,participate, or let her have anything not jewish related in the house. It's sad, but something she thought would "work out" when they got married.

 

[abdmom]

Who is saying that it is wrong to live your culture in your family? Are you getting resistance somewhere?

See post #2. Rather racist, IMO. However, as someone who is 25 years down the road from where OP is now, that attitude is rather common among Americans. Certainly not all, but there is a significant segment who believe that one should shed all cultural aspects of one's heritage upon moving to the U.S.

OP, my late dh was Chinese. He spoke Chinese to the kids, but because he worked 16 hours a day, they didn't pick up much. I've known quite a few families where the mom spoke a different language and it is much easier for the kids to pick it up since they tend to be around mom much more than dad when they are little. The kids love Chinese food though and know quite a bit about the Chinese culture.

We had very different upbringings. There were certain things we clashed about in parenting, but nothing really significant. IMO, if you get along well, and have similar views on other things, parenting will likely mesh..

I do think that life was somewhat harder as a couple and a family because of the different cultures.

 

[golfgal]

I guess I don't see what the problem is at all. Take out the words "Russian" and "US" and substitute "Catholic" and "Lutheran" or "Italian" and "Irish". Blending two upbringings happens in EVERY marriage. You will find that once you have your own children you will adopt things that work for your own family. We don't do things exactly like our parents but I like to think we took the best of both families and made it our own. The nice thing is you have a couple years of having a child before you really need to 'test' how you are raising your child--not that you don't discipline kids before they are 2 but for the most part it isn't a challenge in the way a 2 or 3 year old is.

There are plenty of kids that are bilingual that learn the second language from a mom or a dad. Young kids pick it up so quickly it is amazing. Our nephew had a nanny from Germany, no one else in the family speaks German but our nephew is fluent because the nanny taught him. It isn't all that difficult to do at all.

If you want your child to know the Russian stories and history, then you teach them those. Your DH will teach them his stories too. Dh and I are both Irish, Catholic and born and raised in smaller towns in MN but even with that we have a lot of different things to bring to our family-even simple things like names for games the kids play. It really isn't an issue at all.

 

[luvavacation]

I am European, my husband is American. Most of my family is still in Europe, but five of us are over here.

I was not born here, but arrived when I was 4. I grew up around my culture, and am so very proud to be a part of it. At home, we did not speak English, and I did not even learn English until I started school. The way my parents raised me and the customs we practiced were very different from the American customs of my friends, and also of my future husband's.

When I knew I was going to marry my husband, we had a talk, and he knew how important it was to me to keep up the traditions and customs of my culture. He knew that if we were able to financially, we would be making trips back to the old country every 2 - 3 years. Hey, my family is there, and I love them and miss them, and I spent every summer over there until I married my husband, it would be too hard to suddenly not see my family again!

My husband knew my thoughts on raising children, and we agreed before we were engaged that this would be the path we take. He knew that our children would learn my native language, but it was his choice if he wanted to learn it also. We grew up in different Christian churches, and he did not desire to continue on his church, so there was no problem there with our children's religious upbringing (though according to MIL, I have doomed my DH to Hell, but I just can't win with her anyway).

Speaking of In-Laws, how are they with this? I know Americans tend to just say you should not care about what others think of your marriage, it is just between the two of you, and this is true to a point, but you have probably grown up with a strong sense of duty to your elders and future In-Laws, no? I know that is how I grew up, and it goes against my culture and honor to my family to just ignore the MIL when she needs help, no matter how much I intensely dislike the woman. It just is not how I was raised. I am no doormat with the IL's, but I just can't ignore her when she has a need. The SIL's, on the other hand, them I can ignore - it is just the elders I have to respect!

My DH and I did go through some hard times after we were married just trying to mesh two cultures into one household. There are still some things that are not perfect just because we grew up differently, which you will probably find to be true, also. For example, in my culture, the father is the man of the household, and the wife and children feel secure in the knowledge that the father will protect and take care of them, and he also lays down the law (though the women in my culture are also very strong, and partnership and respect is very important to our marriages, but the father is the head of the household and the children do not argue with him). My DH, on the other hand, does not project the air of authority in our family. He is a great guy, but he doesn't understand why he has to "be in charge". Hence, my children will say that if there is an emergency, mom is the one that will save them, because dad will be following mom. Very sad to me, as this is not how I grew up, dads were always big and strong and protective, but my DH grew up differently, and I have learned I can not make him into what he is not.

If you and this man do get married, you will have compromises and some things you will not be able to compromise on. My children and I now go to Europe to see my family without my DH, because he grows tired of me translating and he says it is too much work. I am fine with this, though I wasn't at first, but it is something we compromise on.

When my children were born, they grew up in a dual-language household. Once they started school, they primarily spoke only English. They still understand my native language, and pick it back up when we are abroad, but they do not speak it fluently at home anymore. I am kind of sad about that, but on the other hand, they do know the history of their ancestors and hold true to our customs and values, so I am happy about that.

My DH and I have been married now over 20 years. We have managed to blend two cultures, instilling a sense of pride in our children for both sides of their heritage. It can be done, it may not be done as perfectly as you wish, but if the man you love is willing to walk this possible minefield with you, and he knows what may await, and you also know what may await, well, love can be a very powerful healer when it comes to differences you may have in the future. Just be honest with him now, so you don't surprise him later!

One final word of advice - make sure you are ok with his family's traditions, too. Though you marry the one man, you also marry his family. If they do not approve of you, can you handle that? Trust me, IL problems can ruin your marriage, and cultural differences can be a great source of conflict with IL's. Remember, not only is he marrying into your culture, but you also into his!

Good luck!

 

[LJC1861]

My sister in law is Peruvian of Chinese descent. She has been here in the States for 20 years and is completely fluent in English, Spanish (her first language) Chinese and French. She is now an American citizen. Her family still lives in Lima and speak very little English. My brother, even after 17 years of marriage speaks very little Spanish. Their 3 kids however are fluent in both.

When "Ita" and "Papa Jorge" are visiting they hear nothing but Spanish, and it is the same when they visit them in Lima. Brian and Jackie try to visit them every other year. The older 2 kids have spent entire summers with their relatives in Lima. The two older kids can carry on conversations in both English and Spanish at the same time and often translate for Brian and my parents when we all get together. It is great that the kids are fluent in both and it will definitely help them later on.

When the kids were little they had books and videos in both English and Spanish, to assist with their ability to learn and retain the language. Now the two older kids are learning french in school. The little guy, who is only 4 uses his spanish alot and almost doesn't know the english word for "kiss" because "besito" is all he has ever heard.

Linda

 

[monkey68]

Thanks for all the encouraging responses, I was getting worried that all the posts would be like the second. So to answer some of the questions, his mom loves me. And she loves the Russian candies I bring whenever I come over for dinner. His father passed away 10 years ago, but the res of his family likes me as well. We actually met through his brother. My parents would prefer that I married a Russian man, but we are both Jewish, and thats more important to them and me. But they do like him. They see that when I get stressed, he's the only one who can calm me down, or when I'm bein irrational, he can talk some sense into me. My parents are also both fluent in English, so the communication is not an issue with them.

i am glad to hear that it can work and a child can learn a language from only one parent and that it is possible to combine 2 cultures. I feel like I'm thinking too far into this, we're not even engaged yet, but I know he plans on talking to my uncle who is a jeweler, and I feel like it would be better to figure this stuff out now as opposed to later. I know some of the stuff we do, he doesn't quite understand, but he accepts it anyway. I am in medical school now, and have an apartment near my school, which is about 20 minutes away from where he lives. However, on some weekends, I have to go home, not because I'm homesick or anything, but because I have to see my family. Or sometimes, my family will come up to see me. I'm only about an hour away, so it's not a huge deal. He doesn't quite understand why I need to see my family so often, but he doesn't make a huge deal out of it. If I'm going home, I used to just leave straight after class on Friday and come back Monday morning, but now I'll leave Saturday morning so we can spend Friday night together, or I'll come back Sunday morning.

A lot of the posts here have made me feel a lot better, so I thank you guys for that. If we both just have open minds, accept each other, make some compromises, then everything should work out fine, I think.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

See post #2. Rather racist, IMO. However, as someone who is 25 years down the road from where OP is now, that attitude is rather common among Americans. Certainly not all, but there is a significant segment who believe that one should shed all cultural aspects of one's heritage upon moving to the U.S.

I am sorry, what is racist?

And yes there are Americans that believe that you should chuck heritage when you live here.

However there are Americans that believe all sorts of things that you must adhere too in order to be "one of them".

You can't get caught up in that or you will go crazy.