Vicki,
When my Dad died suddenly, the days of the funeral were like a huge family reunion. Tons of visitors, phone calls, people taking about my dad, being the center of attention (not in a good way, but like a hostess of an important 'event' sort of way),making decisions we never expected to be making. Basically a sort of controlled chaos. Because there was so much to DO. It held it's own comfort because we were still 'in the process'. For some reason as long as 'the process' was happening, it wasn't over, the death...the loss, wasn't really complete.
When that was over, reality crept in and this black cloak slipped over our lives. Now what? It feels like you are smothering it. I started to become angry when I heard of other people who had heart problems similar to my dads, but lived through it. I am ashamed to admit that, but I was so jealous. I was mad when people compained about their parents. I was mad that the world kept revolving. I remember standing in a grocery store and this woman in front of me was arguing over a discrepancy of a few cents on her bill. I felt a really inappropriate rage that she was concerned with something so petty and unimportant. Didn't people realize I was living the reality of what really matters...our very existence? Life and death? How could the world continue its revolutions when my world came to a screeching halt? Everything seemed so fake, almost plastic-like.
My mom did the same things you talk about...project after project. She cleaned closets, painted walls (in the middle of the night), cleaned the attic, washed the car. You name it...she was on it. She desperately needed to fill up the time from waking until the dreaded 'going to sleep' time. It was escapism, but it is a normal, natural part of grief.
She had trouble remembering what she was doing, (scattered thoughts) trouble eating, sleeping. She lost weight, she cried and cried and cried. Then she had trouble crying.
She then became obsessed with reading everything she could about 'near death' experiences. She needed to know what his death was like for him. She needed to know that it was ok and not scary. She didn't question his salvation, but really wanted comforted about his actual death being a peaceful event.
Then she moved on to books about grieving. This really helped her. It made her feel sort of 'normal' for the first time. She finally found something that made sense. She was able to relate and understand what she was feeling much better when she found resources that dealt with her experiences. She then moved on to a support group. 14 years later...she still stays in touch with a few of the women she befriended in her time of grief.
I think one thing that is really hard is that most people, who are widowed, are much older (she was 44, and you are even younger). Many people also have more time to adjust to the death (due to long illnesses). I am not trying to minimize their pain, but sudden death has it's own set of issues when comes to grieving.
You will find your way through this. It is a tough road but one that will ultimately end in your family healing and enjoying life again. It really will happen. Remember to go easy on yourself. You are learning to drive without a manual. Cling to those you love, love and care for yourself. Reach out when you need to. Big hugs to you.
wendy
