Crazy Griever Updat No. 4

[house_of_princesses]

I think this is more for me than you, but here goes.

If there is a classic study on the stages of grief, I must be it. I haven't read anything on all this yet. By the time I do, I could probably write it myself.

Yesterday my father drove me to the funeral home where I picked up John's remains. The oddity of him riding home on my lap was overwhelming. My father didn't want me to go, but I have a tremendous desire to take care of my husband. I am honored to take care of him to the end. That side of this ordeal doesn't bother me.

It's my children. The 2 1/2 yo keeps asking for her daddy while I'm putting her to bed at night. My response is, "Daddy can't be here anymore, he isn't able to come home again." How do you make a little one understand?

Our 9yo admitted having stomach problems at night. Her heart was racing, stomach upset, shaking. I explained that her body was expelling grief and she needed to let it out. She thought she was going to die like Daddy did.

The 5 yo has always been joy personified. Now, however, she's beyond joy and into the exaltation arena. Doesn't want to see me cry, it "Makes me a headache." Nor does she want to hear us speak of Daddy right now. I'm not a professional, but I think they call this DENIAL.

The near 11 yo is always active, but now she's burning up enough energy to light a small home. I'm trying to slow her down, keep her home. The grief counselor says to let them do their thing, whatever makes them comfortable (whithin boundaries). Now I question the expert. (She is a congregant at our church. I trust her.) Is running yourself ragged a good thing?

And of course there's me. I want their Daddy, my stomach is upset, I'm smiling for my girls and I've done more home projects in the past five days than I've done in two years. Started feeling a bit contrary yesterday. Not toward anyone in particular. Just frustrated with the world. I have zero tolerance, no patience. And I need plenty of both. I'm sleep deprived, smothered in friends and family.

A friend showed up to our home with 5 bags of groceries. She helped me unpack them, gave me a hug and kiss and left. She is a great friend. The intrusion grated me. THAT's NOt Right of Me!! (Don't scold me for that.)

My birthday is 7/26. So many want to take me out here or there, I can't stand it. Nor can I make up my mind. Do you know how much I don't want a cake? But my girls need to keep our traditions going.

The finality of death is just that. Final. Yet there is always somone left behind. I smile, knowing my dh is where he needs to be. I weep for my girls being where they don't want to be. That is so exhausting.

Think I'll go lay down.

Vicki

 

[Serena]

{{{{hugs}}}}

 

[Credit Man]

{{{{{HUGS}}}}} Hang in there Vicki.

 

[JohnTBap]

God bless you and yours. You've been through so much. You mentioned a grief counselor. Are YOU seeing someone? I know that venting on the DIS may seem therapeutic enough, but I highly recommend professional help. You are going to hurt, there's no doubt about that, although I think everyone here wishes it wasn't so. But seeing someone might arm you with some coping mechanisms. {{{HUGS}}} for you.

And thank you for the update. I was thinking about you yesterday.

 

[jx3smom]

Continued good thoughts and prayers are being sent your way. I really don't know what else to say. Just keep writing and doing what ever you can to help you and your dear children get through this.

 

[Lars624]

{{{hugs}}}

 

[Chattyaholic]

Aw, sweetie, I just wish I knew something I could say to really help you feel better, but I know there is nothing. ((hugs))
At first when I was reading your post, and about how your children are reacting now I thought "they need to be in counseling" and then you mentioned the grief counselor so I'm glad they are getting help, are YOU talking to the counselor too? I hope so. Everyone grieves in different ways, there is no right or wrong, you have to do what you have to do and don't feel bad for it. Like your friend with the groceries, you KNOW she's a good friend and you knew you felt bad for feeling it was an intrusion, but you still can't help how you feel. I can completely understand you not wanting to "celebrate" your birthday, and go out with friends, etc. But like you said, your children need to celebrate your birthday so I hope you'll do it for them. It will take time...time for you to heal....time for the hurt to lessen....time to feel that "moving on" is all right. Take all the time you need, and remember, we are here for you whenever you need us. (hugs)

 

[Minnesota!]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I cannot even imagine what you are going through. Just thinking about it makes me feel like I am drowning - gasping for air. I am so sorry you and your girls have to go through this kind of hell. It is not fair. I know there are some good on-line support groups for people who have lost their loved ones - I was a part of one after I lost my dad. And of course all of us here are more than willing to be a rock for you.

Please keep us updated, and if you need anything, just let us know.

 

[dianeschlicht]

I have been thinking of your family a lot lately. You have a tough job with the kids to think about. Be sure ALL of you get grief counceling. Do not try to do this alone.

 

[sharbear]

Whatever you have to do to get through this, do it! People want to help but if you can't be around others, than do what makes you comfortable. Just remember that helping you helps other people also. Don't worry about the kids, I'm sure that there are many more stages that they will go through. Having a counselor is important for the whole family.

 

[heath dog]

((( HUGS))))

 

[Mskanga]

Vicki, I second what JTB said, get some professional help for yourself, it's good that you did it with the girls but you need it too if not just as much as they do, more.
This will pass, believe me it will get better , but it's going to take some time. Time helps the wound heal . But please get some counseling for you too. {{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}

 

[MerryPoppins]

Hang in there. Take things moment by moment, day by day. You are incredibly strong and you can do this. Take good care of yourself.

 

[WDWLVR]

{{{HUGS}}}

My prayers are with you and your children as you go through this. There will be happier days ahead but it is good you are giving yourself time to grieve. Please take care of yourself!

 

[PamOKW]

Think I'll go lay down.

You said it yourself in your post that you are sleep deprived. This will only make things worse....like being irritable, snappish, etc. I know it's easy to say but not so easy to do but you need some rest. I bet you haven't had a real sleep since you lost your husband. If the friends and family are there, ask them to watch the children for a night or for a few hours so you can lie down and really try to sleep. If you don't, you may get sick and then your children will really have a problem.

I know your husband would be proud of how you are caring for your children. He would also want you to care for yourself.

 

[Goofball]

Vicki, my heart aches so much for you and your children. I wish there is something we could do for you to take the pain away. I am praying for you everyday. {{{{Hugs}}}}

 

[Minniespal]

{{{{{Hugs}}}}}

 

[Patabel]

I don't know what to say beyond {{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}

My prayers are with you and your family.

 

[Claudia1]

My heart and prayers go out to you in your grief. I echo all of the above sentiments.

For your birthday, could your family or friends take the girls for a while to bake your cake at their home while you take a long nap? Sleep would be good for you and the activity would give the girls a something special to do for their very special Mommy.

{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}

 

[MickeysMommy]

Vicki ~ I cannot pretend to know your grief. My heart aches for you and your girls. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers. God Bless.