Cranky older parent? long post

[MOMTOMOOTOO]

OK I am emontionally drained, so I have decided to take it out on the keyboard and see if I can make any sense of it. Here goes

My mom had a stroke 12 years ago at a pretty young age (57) They were living in FLA at the tiime and the stroke was pretty debilitating. It left her paralyzed on the left side, but she was able t o get around pretty good. She even walked with me and my dad down the aisle and danced at my wedding. Well her attitude really sucked, and she kinda stopped working on the physical therapy. I know that her attitude and "mean streak" is a definate result of the stroke, because she used to be my best friend. About 2 years ago, she got an electric wheelchair, and I tell you it was the beginning of the end. She completely stopped leaving the house and I recently found out that she NEVER gets out of the wheelchair.

2 weeks ago she fell in the bathroom and coulb not get up, my dad who weighs about 140lbs called 911, they took her to the ER where she was admitted with a very serious infection and pneumonia. Apparently not getting any circulation in her legs caused these problems. Well I went everyday to see her only to be yelled at, screamed at, and she demanded I take her home! We had a vacation planned, and after talking to her doctor, he assured me that I should go so we did. But not without a ton of guilt. Well while we were away, I arranged for her to be placed in a nursing home rehab so she can get mobile again, but she was readmitted the other day to the hospital for the same infection. I went the minute I got back, and again, the attitude sucks. I went yesterday, and she was so horrible, that I decided to just leave. (again the guilt) I called her this morning and tried to have a normal conversation with her (like thats possible) so I'm trying to chit chat and tell her I got the baby's haircut and she says well its about *@!()% time. Well again, I politley say I gotta go. Now the Dr calls and says hes moving her back to the center (which she seems to like). But honestly, I can't take the abuse much longer. My DH seems to think that she's jealous of my life, but I just know that stroke victims can sometimes be really mean and I try to remember it but most days its hard. Our relationship has not been good for athe past 7 years or so, but I love her just the same.

So any advice is appreciated and If you are one to pray please keep us in your prayers, I feel a long road ahead.


Laura

 

[Pop Daddy]

Ill pray

 

[browneyes]

I've noticed some people tend to be cranky for years after they've had a stroke. My dad had his first stroke when he was 48 yo. He stays cranky (he'll be 60 in July). My SO's mom had a stroke and she was cranky a lot too. I think they get frustrated because they can't do things like they used to, even every day things, and they channel out that frustration in odd ways.

 

[KathyTX]

Can you suggest the doctor screen her for depression?

We have one elderly relative who's largely incapacitated. She's always been selfish and difficult, and the sourness just became more pronounced as she became less self sufficient. We thought she was just a hateful person.

Around two years ago, her doctor put her on antidepressants... and she's a whole different person now. Still incapacitated, but loves family visits for the first time in YEARS, and is actually pleasant and loving most of the time.

Just a thought...

 

[meandtheguys]

Good call! My grandma was put on an anti-depressant, and became much more pleasant to be around!

 

[stitch79]

I'll pray for you and your mother.

I know some of what you are going through....my bf has been caring for/living with his grandmother for a long time now. We believe she has Altzhiemer's (spell?) and it has progressively gotten worse since we've been dating (5 yrs+). She has mood swings that make her lash out at my bf constantly (once a week or more) and it really takes a toll on him. There is not much we have been able to do besides leave for awhile and try to lean on the fact that "she doesn't really mean it". Its so hard to watch him try to deal with this and not let it effect him, but at the same time it makes me so incredibly angry with her.

How can you tell the only member of your family that has been around to care for you that you are not proud of them and they never do anything for you?!?!

Sorry for the drift, but it does help to vent and try to realize that she is just frustrated and does not know how to deal with it on her own. Again you'll be in my prayers and feel free to post or PM me if you'd like to talk!

 

[MOMTOMOOTOO]

Originally posted by stitch79
How can you tell the only member of your family that has been around to care for you that you are not proud of them and they never do anything for you?!?!

Maybe we can ask my mom. Something she does constantly.

But ya know, the anti depressant sounds like a good idea. I mean it can't hurt. I am meeting with her Dr tomorrow so I will ask him.

 

[ScarlettO]

My Mom had a stroke last year and she is very faithful to get up and walk twice a day with her husband around. She otherwise stays in her wheelchair. Circulation is very important...but the attitude sounds like depression.

 

[tiggersmom2]

I'll keep your family in my thoughts and prayers

 

[Scratch42]

Scratch

 

[pirateofthecarolinas]

My father had several pin (sp.) strokes before he had a big one. He was tough on the immediate family. The nurses told us that patients sometimes take their frustrations out on the people closest to them because they know that family will give them unconditional love.

Every time he got testy with my mother she would get her pocketbook and leave without saying a word to him. He started to get the message quickly that he could not treat her that way. He pretty much shaped up but still had some difficult days.

Good luck with a difficult situation.

Lori

 

[pumba]

I sent you a pm........here is a hug too

 

[Disney Doll]

Strokes do damage part of the brain, and depending on where they are located within the brain will influence the types of behavior you see post-stroke. My suggestion would be to talk to her MD and get a handle on where her stroke is and what part of her personality/behavior is located in that area, and what the effects of a stroke in that area would be. I harken back to when my DMIL was diagnosed with brain cancer in the left parietal lobe of her brain. That is the area that controls personality, and it was sort of a blessing in disguise. My DMIL was always a very strong-willed woman, and would have been difficult to care for, but because of the location of the tumor and it's affect on her personality, she turned into a lamb!!!!

I would also agree that there is probably some depression involved, based on her loss of mobility, function, independence, change in body image etc. An anti-depressant might do her a world of good.

I would suggest you call local hospitals and see if anyone has a stroke support group. We have one at the hospital where I work, and those who participate find it very helpful. You will hear that you are not the only one going through this, you will get some good coping strategies for dealing with your mom.

I would also recommend limit-setting. As another poster said, when her dad was nasty to her mom, her mom would get up and leave without a word. If you do something similar, your mom may very well begin to learn that she cannot be nasty without negative(loss of your visiting time) consequences. In some ways it's similar to raising a child...bad behavior=negative consequences. You need to remain calm and clear though. "Mom, you are being nasty to me, so I am going to go home now. I'll see you tomorrow."(or Tuesday or whenever the next time is that you are going to visit). Then go see her that next time, but if the nastiness starts, do the same thing.

You don't have reason to feel guilty. It sounds as if you have been a caring, devoted daughter through a difficult situation.

 

[MOMTOMOOTOO]

Thanks everyone for your well wishes. An update... Things are looking pretty good. I spole with the Dr on weds and he agreed about the anti depressant, so she started on Zoloft. Yesterday, we had a wonderful visit. Shes back in the rehab center. She was about to have a very busy day, first PT than a visit to the Hair Salon ( I treated her for a cut/color) then it was off to play cards with the "girls". She really likes it there and its a very nice place. The courtyard has a junglegym and a nice big play area for the kids, so we will bring her lunch tomorrow and hang outside. And on every tuesdau night, barbeque for the whole family.

Thanks again for the prayers and I cannot beilev the kindness shown in all the pms (really sweet) I am trying to reply to all.

Laura

 

[Tea Please]

MOMTOMOOTOO-

I'm really sorry you are going thru this. I certainly will keep your family in my thoughts. I'm sorry I did not see the original post but I was not on the boards. I sent you a PM. Please read it as I do have some experience with a similar situation. Your post on my thread prompted me to search out this one.

Perhaps if you edited your post to read " PRAYERS AND PIXIE DUST NEEDED FOR MY SICK KITTY" you may get more replies
(I'm sure you know what I mean)

 

[zurgswife]

Good luck with your mom..

 

[snoopy]

You poor thing. I feel so bad for you, that must be terrible to deal with.

I wish I had some advice, but I don't. My parents are dead, died long before they were old and cranky. I do have a nasty mean grandmother, but for her its innate and not as a result of an illness or old age, and honestly I have not yet figured out how to deal with her and I probably never will. Its hard, but thankfully she is my grandmother and not my mother so I don't have to deal with her on the same level as you do your mom.

Sending you cyber hugs, and hoping things get better.

 

[Mercy]

Sorry about your situation, I have a similar one with my mom, she is in the hospital now, she has a brain tumor. But she has always been very critical and a complainer, and as much as I want to help her and be there for her, her attitude really plucks my nerves, and it takes all I got not to lash out at her. I do call her on the things she says though, but I do it in a firm but gentle way. I've just decided that I really don't have to take that anymore, especially since I'm her primary caregiver.

Anyway, I kind of know what you are going through, but hang in there, love her, but be firm with her about her attitude.

 

[Brer_Papa]

A hug and a handshake to you....

I hope things continue to improve with your Mom....

Sending best wishes...keeping good thoughts....saying a prayer....

 

[Dan Murphy]

Sorry to read of your mom's condition, Laura, but happy to see there is improvement there. Some good advice I think in these thoughts here, the DIS can be so very helpful and a comfort at times of stress like this. My best wishes for you mom and you also, as you try and help her come to a better life for both her, you as well as all around her. My best.

Dan