Cousin and his wife

[sasywtch]

I don't know if I'm asking a question or just letting my frustrations out.
I have a close relative (male 55)married for 29 years, 1 grown child and the wife has always been rather lazy. She worked 20 years at the lowest rung in the government and when my cousin got a promotion at the age of 49, she wanted to quit. She was 49 also. Everyone had to talk her into staying 1 more year so she'd get at least $600 a month in retirement. (not much for CA). She HAD to go into massage therapy as that was her "calling". So, they paid for that school and she maybe makes $40 a month at home. No ambition to get more clients, to find a job with a legitimate type of place etc. Doesn't cook alot even though she's home all day etc.

2 years ago cousin was diagnosed with Parkinsons. They haven't been smart all these years even though they were making ok money. They still owe over $100, 000 on their own, took out a second 2 years ago to pay off charge cards and of course, they got charged up again. She charges, he was trying to pay them off. She pays the AE card (balance is $150 and used at CostCo only) and that's it. For 3 years he's been asking her to go back to work to help pay off the bills so he can retire too. The last year he's really been asking because now the fear is there that his Parkinsons is getting worse and he'll be forced into retirement with all the bills. If she went to work for 2 years part time and they put all her money and all extra money onto the charge cards and car, they would all be paid affording him to relax with no stress in case he has to leave his job.
She has every excuse-her back hurts, she can't type, she can't.....(fill in the blank excuse). Her husband has Parkinsons and she is healthy and can't go back to work part time?

Today was the blow for me. She got an inheritance of about $10,000. She has about $2500 left. Today he had to get his vehicle fixed as it was hit by a hit and run so he had to pay his 250 deductable. He is limited on funds as he pays the house, water, sewer, cable (oh, grown child and wife HAVE to have 200 channels instead of the 72 on cable and neither work), most food, gasoline, electric, heat,car payment, charge cards so he asked wife for the 250 to help him pay the deductable and she said no with a bunch of excuses (needs minimum amount in some account or whatever). It just irritated me today that she has some money in the bank and couldn't give him 250. He admits he is partly to blame as he enabled for years (all 29). His mother, father and brother never liked her as they have seen what I am seeing now. According to him, 30 years ago he had low self esteem (no girlfriends in high school), was a people pleaser so his bio dad would like him (his mom divorced bio dad when he was 4 due to abuse),when now wife came into the picture and was "helpless", that was perfect. He could be the White Knight and do all for her. Years later, that White Knight syndrom isn't so great especially when he needs help.

She can be home all day, he'll come home from work after 9 hours and no dinner. I just can't fathom that. I could not be home all day knowing someone is at work all day and not start dinner or clean the kitchen. Anyway, I don't know what to tell him. I loaned him the 250. What I'd really like to do is smack her upside the head. He told me they have been having talks the last week and he told her he needed her help to get a part time job to help eliminate his stress which isn't good for Parkinsons. She told him she was sure he didn't have Parkinsons (ok, he goes to a movement disorder specialist but she knows better) and she can't do anything. We've become closer in the last few years working together and know more than I ever did. No affection, no emotional support. She's pretty selfish.

Since I can't smack her in the head (not literally), what would any of you do if your spouse acted this way? What if you had this disease, had this fear and asked your spouse to go back to work part time for 2 years to help pay off the bills and they didn't do it and made a ton of excuses? He left today crying.
(btw, she can go back to work for the government as a retiree 900 hours a year so it's not a lost cause)

 

[bumbershoot]

Well...

I think it's sad she won't go back to work. There's obviously something going on with her...maybe it's pure laziness, but maybe there's something else going on in her head that you don't know about...or maybe she's evil.

However...

when now wife came into the picture and was "helpless", that was perfect. He could be the White Knight and do all for her.

He kinda chose her. He had his reasons. And he's had awhile now of knowing who she is...


It was nice of you to loan the money.


But overall, I'd just be really uncomfortable knowing all that about my cousin. I have lots of cousins, but we're all geographically separate and just don't know that much about each other. DH has lots of cousins, and they are a world apart, but everyone's in each other's business b/c it's a cultural thing with them...and it makes me (and him, when he thinks about it) very very uncomfortable. So...if he's not going to do anything about it...I personally would have a hard time listening to more of it, unless he knew that I was just listening to venting, and not taking it to heart.

Because he had his own issues when he met her and decided she was the one for him...just like she has her own issues...

 

[ksjayhawks]

I would cancel the cable and request that it not be put back in without my permission, cancel the credit cards that have both of their names on them, do not give wife access to his checking accoutn, do not pay any credit cards that are in his wife's name only, downsize on the house and move into an apartment so he doesn't have to worry about maintenance, sell excess possessions and put that money in a cd or something for a rainy day, give wife cash for groceries or go along when she shops, kick the grown son and wife out of the house . . .

He has let this situation develop over the years so it won't be an easy, quick fix. But he has to start somewhere, so cutting down on the non essentials would be the best place to start.

Be there for support as it sounds like he is going to need it.

 

[Carl Fredricksen]

I would cancel the cable and request that it not be put back in without my permission, cancel the credit cards that have both of their names on them, do not give wife access to his checking accoutn, do not pay any credit cards that are in his wife's name only, downsize on the house and move into an apartment so he doesn't have to worry about maintenance, sell excess possessions and put that money in a cd or something for a rainy day, give wife cash for groceries or go along when she shops, kick the grown son and wife out of the house . . .

He has let this situation develop over the years so it won't be an easy, quick fix. But he has to start somewhere, so cutting down on the non essentials would be the best place to start.

Be there for support as it sounds like he is going to need it.

Glad I read all the posts, because I was just getting ready to say this. Cancel all non-necessities (cable, cell phones, all credit cards shut down), and tell her if she want's them back she has to start contributing. I wouldn't even buy groceries. He can eat out and find his own meals (although not the most economical solution, if would make a point if there was no food in the house). The wife and grown child need to start producing for the household budget. If they don't, they get out of the house. At some point when things go this far south, you have to "man up" and get the message across loud and clear. I've always said the easiest way to talk to people is with your wallet. And sounds like this situation demands some tough love immediately to find out where the relationship really stands.

BTW, it was very cool of you to front him the $250.

 

[kris1977]

.
Since I can't smack her in the head

Well, you can. Just dont get caught. If you even spot an opportunity to give her a good rabbit punch and scarper then take it. Im not one to advocate violence but in some situations its justified, plus it will make you feel better.

As for your cousins situation, there is only really him who can help himself. If he cant see this, or can but wont do anything about it there is not a lot that will change...sadly. Your stuck with my rabbit punch option.

 

[Christine]

I've actually read about or witnessed several marriages that are like this. I've seen lots of lazy spouses and it amazes me that they have been able to behave in such a manner all the years that they do.

As you know, due to your cousin's own personality, he allowed this behavior to continue and grow. To be honest, I doubt he has the cajones to put his foot down. I think it's a great idea what the other posters suggested about cutting the bills that he can, without her input.

I also think that if I were you, I would take any opportunity I could to have a little "talk" with her. Afterall, you had to lend him the money and heard the full story. I think that gives you a small "get out of jail free card" if you want to tell her what you think of her. It probably won't make her do anything but I bet it makes her nervous.

 

[OceanAnnie]

I've actually read about or witnessed several marriages that are like this. I've seen lots of lazy spouses and it amazes me that they have been able to behave in such a manner all the years that they do.

As you know, due to your cousin's own personality, he allowed this behavior to continue and grow. To be honest, I doubt he has the cajones to put his foot down. I think it's a great idea what the other posters suggested about cutting the bills that he can, without her input.

I also think that if I were you, I would take any opportunity I could to have a little "talk" with her. Afterall, you had to lend him the money and heard the full story. I think that gives you a small "get out of jail free card" if you want to tell her what you think of her. It probably won't make her do anything but I bet it makes her nervous.

I agree. OP, your whole post was so sad. I can't imagine a loving relationship with that kind of outcome. I think if I were in that situation, I'd be re-evaluating a lot and taking some actions to set things right.

 

[MIGrandma]

I don't think there is much you can do for your cousin, except give emotional support. It's his life, he is the one who has to make the changes.

That said, if my DH wanted me to go back to work I would. I used to work part-time as a waitress but have been home now for over a year and a half. At first I thought I would go back to work in the fall the next year. We had discussed it, and neither of us wanted me to work that summer because we'd just purchased some vacation property up north and we wanted to be able to go up there as much as possible, and if I got another job that wouldn't happen.

Well, by the time I could go back to work I really had started enjoying being at home and DH enjoyed it as well because I was keeping the house cleaner, doing a lot more home-cooking and baking, and was generally just a much happier person so we talked about it again and he said he really didn't care if I didn't go back to work, as long as we could still pay our bills. And I really didn't pay many bills with my waitressing money anyway, except car payments on my car when I had them but by that time it was paid off. Mostly my waitressing money took us out to eat, often, and helped pay for vacations, my book club, etc.

That was the key though, as long as we could still pay our bills. And we can, so I have not found another job. If the situation were to change, I would definitely find another job though. I would not expect him to pay for everything if his health deteriorated, or for some other reason we were not able to keep up on the bills.

I feel sorry for your cousin, but he is the one who is going to have to step up and make the changes he needs for his life. If his wife is unwilling to help, he's going to have to decide if she's worth it, or cut his losses and get a divorce and start over with his life. Only he can make those decisions.

 

[BellePrincessBelle]

Honestly it's not your business & you are way too involved in your cousins business. Even lending money doesn't give you the right. Stay out of it.

 

[handinpocket]

Honestly it's not your business & you are way too involved in your cousins business. Even lending money doesn't give you the right. Stay out of it.

 

[Carly_Roach]

Honestly it's not your business & you are way too involved in your cousins business. Even lending money doesn't give you the right. Stay out of it.

Ditto. I'm glad you helped him out, but he's got to be the one to say "Enough is enough". Stay out of it.

 

[browneyes106]

I have known people similar to your cousin's wife. I agree with others your cousin needs to stand up and start trying to fix the finances.

 

[minkydog]

Since I can't smack her in the head (not literally), what would any of you do if your spouse acted this way? What if you had this disease, had this fear and asked your spouse to go back to work part time for 2 years to help pay off the bills and they didn't do it and made a ton of excuses? He left today crying.
(btw, she can go back to work for the government as a retiree 900 hours a year so it's not a lost cause)

Since we don't know her side of the situation I will not comment as to whether she needs to go back to work. What looks like laziness to one can be legitimate illness, mental or otherwise, to someone else.

But speaking as the wife of a man who DID become disabled at age 47 I can tell you how that affected me. I had a nervous breakdown. I worked as much as I could, cooked the meals, cleaned the house, did whatever I could to protect my DH. The end result was 8 weeks in a psych hospital. And what I learned from that is that my family did *not* shrivel up and die without me. It wasn't easy, but they managed. One thing that I learned from this is that I CANNOT work full-time anymore. It's too much. I was out of work for a whole year and now i have a very low key job working 18hrs/week. I'm sure people look at me and wonder why I'm only working a little bit. But until they walk in my shoes they will never understand.

That's pretty much my take on the wife. We don't know her back story.

 

[sasywtch]

I had a reply on here a few days ago but lost it when sending. Just wanted to thank everyone for their input.

 

[janets]

Since we don't know her side of the situation I will not comment as to whether she needs to go back to work. What looks like laziness to one can be legitimate illness, mental or otherwise, to someone else.

But speaking as the wife of a man who DID become disabled at age 47 I can tell you how that affected me. I had a nervous breakdown. I worked as much as I could, cooked the meals, cleaned the house, did whatever I could to protect my DH. The end result was 8 weeks in a psych hospital. And what I learned from that is that my family did *not* shrivel up and die without me. It wasn't easy, but they managed. One thing that I learned from this is that I CANNOT work full-time anymore. It's too much. I was out of work for a whole year and now i have a very low key job working 18hrs/week. I'm sure people look at me and wonder why I'm only working a little bit. But until they walk in my shoes they will never understand.

That's pretty much my take on the wife. We don't know her back story.

Ah, Minky, thinking of you often and sending prayers for your health and good fortune.

 

[sasywtch]

Talked to cousin tonight. He told his wife he had little money left until the end of the month. She said she would give him some. She gave him a whole $20 out of the $2500 she has in the bank.
Ah well. I did tell him about the responses on here. Hope that helps him.

 

[threecrazykids]

Well, you can. Just dont get caught. If you even spot an opportunity to give her a good rabbit punch and scarper then take it. Im not one to advocate violence but in some situations its justified, plus it will make you feel better.

LMAO!

BTW...what is a scarper? I know what a good rabbit punch is but a scarper? I might need to know how to do this I think!

 

[Wishing on a star]

I can see how you feel....
Sounds like his situation is really amost sad.

I will preface by saying what somebody else said, really, you never know what could not be right with this woman... She almost does not sound either neurotypical, or physically able :

Okay, having said that, pointing fingers and passing judgement is not going to help. It won't help anything.

He, obviously, chose this situation (except for his new physical condition).
He is an adult....
He can take steps to protect any assets and separate himself from this woman, OR NOT.

The fact that he, as a man, remains in a situation where he has to beg his wife for $20.00, as well as ask for money from relatives/friends, says a lot about HIM.

There is not a lot you can do but talk to him and support him emotionally and pyschologically. I would NOT be enabling the situation by giving/loaning him any money whatsoever. (Not unless he is at least legally separated from this woman, with her having no access to his finances.)

 

[focusondisney]

I would cancel the cable and request that it not be put back in without my permission, cancel the credit cards that have both of their names on them, do not give wife access to his checking accoutn, do not pay any credit cards that are in his wife's name only, downsize on the house and move into an apartment so he doesn't have to worry about maintenance, sell excess possessions and put that money in a cd or something for a rainy day, give wife cash for groceries or go along when she shops, kick the grown son and wife out of the house . . .

He has let this situation develop over the years so it won't be an easy, quick fix. But he has to start somewhere, so cutting down on the non essentials would be the best place to start.

Be there for support as it sounds like he is going to need it.

I can see how you feel....
Sounds like his situation is really amost sad.

I will preface by saying what somebody else said, really, you never know what could not be right with this woman... She almost does not sound either neurotypical, or physically able :

Okay, having said that, pointing fingers and passing judgement is not going to help. It won't help anything.

He, obviously, chose this situation (except for his new physical condition).
He is an adult....
He can take steps to protect any assets and separate himself from this woman, OR NOT.

The fact that he, as a man, remains in a situation where he has to beg his wife for $20.00, as well as ask for money from relatives/friends, says a lot about HIM.

There is not a lot you can do but talk to him and support him emotionally and pyschologically. I would NOT be enabling the situation by giving/loaning him any money whatsoever. (Not unless he is at least legally separated from this woman, with her having no access to his finances.)

Both excellent posts!

 

[PrincessSuzanne]

OP, I haven't read all the responses, but if I was him, I would have to show her the door and send her all the bills she has charged up. He can cut out all that is necessary and do the best he can with the rest.

My Dh wanted to sway toward the tendency to be a bit lazy after he got out of the Army full time and I had to stay on his behind for awhile. He is better now, although I still believe if I let him he would not work, not in my (our) house, he would be out on his bum.

Suzanne