CNN URGES U.S. NOT TO INVADE IRAQ UNTIL SWEEPS
Pre-Sweeps Regime Change Would Be Disastrous, TV News Giant Says
In a strongly worded statement to the White House, the Cable News Network warned the Bush administration today that any invasion of Iraq prior to the November sweeps period would be disastrous to CNNs ratings.
We completely agree with the administrations goal of regime change in Iraq, the CNN statement read, but not until sweeps.
The news giant, which has had its clock cleaned by the upstart Fox News Channel, warned that any pre-sweeps invasion of Iraq could further destabilize the cable news rating race.
In particular, according to the CNN statement, a pre-November whack-Iraq strategy could leave Fox News strongman Bill OReilly even stronger than before.
The whole goal of invading Iraq during sweeps is to defeat Bill OReilly, the CNN statement read. We hope the administration will not lose sight of this goal.
The warning from CNN added to a growing chorus within the cable news industry urging the President not to invade Iraq until sweeps, with CNBC and MSNBC having already warned that a pre-November invasion of Iraq could be catastrophic to their advertising revenue.
In other cable news news, Special Operations forces conducting mop-up missions in Afghanistan scoured the area near Tora Bora looking for any remnants of Geraldo Riveras career.
While they have found no signs of the pistol-packing newsmans career as of yet, they warned that their mission is far from over.
Remember, we thought Phil Donahues career had been eliminated, and there are still shreds of that hanging around, said a Special Ops spokesman.
****Borowitz Reports******
Pre-Sweeps Regime Change Would Be Disastrous, TV News Giant Says
In a strongly worded statement to the White House, the Cable News Network warned the Bush administration today that any invasion of Iraq prior to the November sweeps period would be disastrous to CNNs ratings.
We completely agree with the administrations goal of regime change in Iraq, the CNN statement read, but not until sweeps.
The news giant, which has had its clock cleaned by the upstart Fox News Channel, warned that any pre-sweeps invasion of Iraq could further destabilize the cable news rating race.
In particular, according to the CNN statement, a pre-November whack-Iraq strategy could leave Fox News strongman Bill OReilly even stronger than before.
The whole goal of invading Iraq during sweeps is to defeat Bill OReilly, the CNN statement read. We hope the administration will not lose sight of this goal.
The warning from CNN added to a growing chorus within the cable news industry urging the President not to invade Iraq until sweeps, with CNBC and MSNBC having already warned that a pre-November invasion of Iraq could be catastrophic to their advertising revenue.
In other cable news news, Special Operations forces conducting mop-up missions in Afghanistan scoured the area near Tora Bora looking for any remnants of Geraldo Riveras career.
While they have found no signs of the pistol-packing newsmans career as of yet, they warned that their mission is far from over.
Remember, we thought Phil Donahues career had been eliminated, and there are still shreds of that hanging around, said a Special Ops spokesman.
****Borowitz Reports******
