If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
In the movie "Back to the Future" they used Chuck Norris' Delorean to go back into time and into the future. When they gave it back to him with a scratch on it he was angry and roundhouse kicked Michael J. Fox, which years later was the cause of his Parkinson's disease.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
If paper beats rock, and rock beats scissors, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.
Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful; it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
Chuck Norris can cut onions without crying.
Chuck Norris burned down an entire forest when he was experimenting with water.
Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.
Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a get out of jail free monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green number 4 card from the game Uno.
Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the blue ringed octopus of Eastern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Chuck Norris has yet to get a Jeopardy question wrong. Jesus has missed two.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the snot out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.
Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
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Thought those were funny.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
In the movie "Back to the Future" they used Chuck Norris' Delorean to go back into time and into the future. When they gave it back to him with a scratch on it he was angry and roundhouse kicked Michael J. Fox, which years later was the cause of his Parkinson's disease.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
If paper beats rock, and rock beats scissors, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.
Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful; it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
Chuck Norris can cut onions without crying.
Chuck Norris burned down an entire forest when he was experimenting with water.
Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.
Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a get out of jail free monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green number 4 card from the game Uno.
Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the blue ringed octopus of Eastern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Chuck Norris has yet to get a Jeopardy question wrong. Jesus has missed two.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the snot out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.
Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
________________________________________________________________
Thought those were funny.
