child's birthday party advice

[pixiemomma]

I think a 10 year old is mature enough not to get their feelings hurt if someone who is NOT their friend does not invite them to a party. At 10 you do not want to hang around with people you don't like. It is different when children are younger (under 9) and are just starting to establish lasting friendships.

 

[darrose]

If the friends are truely friends, and thats who my kids invite, not having the meanies will enable them to have a blast.
Asta, as long as my child had several close friends to pal around with I wouldnt have wanted my child to be invited to the activities those kids went to. A friend who is a true friend isnt going to let a phone call from someone miss their friends party. I would rather my kids be surrounded by their true friends anyways especially at their birthday parties.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I think there's a bigger lesson here for your DD - that this type of behavior should not be overlooked simply because we don't want to upset the apple cart. It's her special day, she should be allowed to have those friends whose company she enjoys.

 

[kristen821]

If the friends are truely friends, and thats who my kids invite, not having the meanies will enable them to have a blast.
Asta, as long as my child had several close friends to pal around with I wouldnt have wanted my child to be invited to the activities those kids went to. A friend who is a true friend isnt going to let a phone call from someone miss their friends party. I would rather my kids be surrounded by their true friends anyways especially at their birthday parties.

This is true, but at this age it is very hard to be a true friend. The most important thing is little girls minds at this age is to be poplular. Popular girls have a whole lot of control over girls that age it is so sad. I personally would invite the mean girls and make little comments when the girls are mean to other children at the party. "boy, are you crabby today" or "I wonder why anyone wants to talk to you, you are acting so mean" I think it will put those mean girls in thier place at least for the duration of the party.

 

[lookingforward]

I can remember fifth grade like it was yesterday (it was 1971 ). I was in the "popular" group of girls and thought I was so cool. Each week we picked a girl to be "mean" to, shunning her and refusing to sit with her. I thought is was so great that I was in this group until one week it was me and they turned on me like cobras! They eventually started talking to me again but I never, ever was mean to anyone else after that. It hurt too much. Now, I see my seven year old going through the "girl tourture". At HER age! I try so hard to build her confidence, it is a challenge.

That said, I would take my daughter out for a walk or to lunch and talk honestly about my concerns. She might give you her answer right away. My gut instinct is to invite all the girls, do something really cool, and take the high road. When I was a grade school guidance counselor I would build up the shyest girl when I taught class. I would also befreind the meanest. Children usually respond to positives. Mean girls are just the most insecure and angry girls. They melt with the right encouragement. If the mean girls come to her party I would redirect them if they start in with bad behavior. Give them a positive role and keep your eyes on them at all times. Deflect their negatives with positives. I know it is emotional blackmail but if you don't invite them they will feel even more insecure and act out. It stinks but your sweet little girl has to live with them for a few more years.

 

[darrose]

I guess I understand wanting to be popular to all, but even as an adult I wouldnt invite someone to my birthday party errrr lunch LOL if "I" didnt like them. I would have the birthday girl, if asked, to blame me for the non invite. If one of the two girls not invited asks why they werent invited I would have her say that my mom set the limit to only 6 at my birthday party. (BTW, at the younger ages I always had a set amount of kids they could invite so armed with the knowledge this mom has I would make the rule 6 this year).

I have always encouraged my children to treat others nicely and such, but at a special event in the child life I think she should have a huge say in who is at her party.
However, I have also taught "not bowing down" to peer pressure even at a young age with my kids . Soon this class of girls will be as they age will be offered all sorts of choices that they will have to muddle through. Perhaps some of them will try alcohol, sex, drugs, shop lifting, etc. I would never want to give the impression to my child that in order to keep peace they must do something they dont feel comfortable doing that their friends or peers are doing.
At age 10, this particular girl HAS said she doesnt want these two girls at her party that would be enough for me.
Though inviting everyone is almost unheard of in my kids school past preschool so it seems lots of kids in my school district have made it with their self esteem intact without going to every single birthday party their classmates have had even at younger age than 10. I know my kids havent been invited to every party, but once again they have always been invited to their best friends parties so it didnt matter so much about the ones they werent invited to.

 

[Spinning]

This is a tough one. My initial thought have her invite only the girls she really wants but then I reread the first post and there is only 8 girls in her entire grade. And she will be with them until 8th grade. That could make it tough down the road. If you only invite 3 of the girls that would be fine but if you invited 5 and singled out the 2, then I think later it may cause your daughter more issues.
Does she socialize or play the other 2 girls at any time? Do you see how they interact in a group in public? Not just in school? Parties are so hard! Girls are hard!

 

[darrose]

Me again, LOL, I would also since there are only 8 girls through middle school do everything in my power to bond those 3 to 5 girls into true, true, friends. After the party thoughout the year I would invite them to go to the movies with your daughter (everyone paying their own way), skating, hang at the house, etc.. It seems to me if they are having so much fun being with each other through thick and thin that will help then develop the skills they need to battle the other two girls.
It may turn out the just the frist three girls end up bonding into true friends with your daughter, but thats 4 out of the eight and 4 should be able to has a great time doing stuff together. Also from a parent stand point. Four is a great number to manage. Its easier to take 4 to the movies, watch during a sleepover, have over after school for dinner, etc.

 

[kristen821]

Me again, LOL, I would also since there are only 8 girls through middle school do everything in my power to bond those 3 to 5 girls into true, true, friends. After the party thoughout the year I would invite them to go to the movies with your daughter (everyone paying their own way), skating, hang at the house, etc.. It seems to me if they are having so much fun being with each other through thick and thin that will help then develop the skills they need to battle the other two girls.
It may turn out the just the frist three girls end up bonding into true friends with your daughter, but thats 4 out of the eight and 4 should be able to has a great time doing stuff together. Also from a parent stand point. Four is a great number to manage. Its easier to take 4 to the movies, watch during a sleepover, have over after school for dinner, etc.

This is a great idea. Make the other two girls wish they were part of this group. They would have to be nice to fit in.

 

[luv2nascar]

I'd give her the option of having the 3 girls she wants there and doing something that costs more or inviting all 8 girls. I personally would not just leave 2 girls out. It could cost more problems at school. Plus those 2 girls could influence other girls not to come if they are popular

 

[bear74]

I would not invite the mean girls either. I would have DD mail the invites or hand deliver them to their homes. Definteally not take them to school. Pixie dust for your DD to have a great Birthday no matter what you 2 decide

 

[Partridge4ever]

Getting everyone ready for church, so I've just skimmed all the replies. I'll have to sit down later and really read everything. I really appreciate everyone chiming in w/their opinions!

 

[Stacerita]

Its your DD's party.....she should be able to invite the girls she would like to spend it with. IF she doesn't want the mean girls there she shouldn't have to have them there. Dont send the invites to school though. That will only make problems IMO. Mail them or hand deliver them to the homes of those she wants to invite. She doesn't have to make it obvious that some were left out. Its not like she choose not to invite them. Its that she choose to invite others. These girls can't always be expected to be invited to everything. And at what age do we need to stop doing the "courtesy invite" anyways? Inviting someone just because we dont want to hurt their feelings, dont want them to be mad, because we invited so and so too? If we dont want them there we shouldn't feel pressured into inviting them. Let your DD invite who she wants.

 

[Beth76]

Just wondering.....If your daughter invites the 5 and not the 2 mean girls, then that's 6 vs. 2. So, doesn't that automatically make the 6 the "popular" girls? Or are some of these girls actually friends with the means girls?

 

[Partridge4ever]

Well we've come full circle. Earlier today she had decided to invite just the top 3 girls (plus 2 friends who go to other schools) so there would be 4 girls not invited and she was just going to put the blame on me saying I told her she could only have 6 total including herself. But then she started having second thoughts because the 2 girls that are getting left out are nice, too, although they are "wanna-bes" and will follow the popular girls off a cliff if asked. It doesn't seem fair to exclude them when DD wants them invited too. Part of the problem is that it's not like there are 2 distinct groups. One of the top 3 girls is actually part of the popular clique but she's also the daughter of a friend of mine, so she's nice to my DD. And even mean girl 2 is pretty nice if mean girl 1 isn't around. If the mean girls are invited, most of the other girls will gravitate toward them and DD will end up feeling left out at her own party.

I also don't want to spend the party policing them. I ended up driving one of them and one of the wanna-bes who is DDs friend unless this other girl is around to an after school event last year. They sat in the very back of my van, leaving DD in the middle seat alone. Called someone a retard before we'd pulled out of the parking lot...I have a cousin w/Down's Syndrome and DD is named after DH's cousin who was also mentally challenged, so I blew a fuse and lectured her and threatened to tell her mother (not that it would phase the mother). DD was mortified and told me later I was only making things worse.

As for us as adults inviting only those we like, it's easier for us because we're not trapped in a classroom w/these people for the next 5 years. Others in the class have had parties and not invited everyone, but there used to be 14 girls and it wasn't as noticable. And as for this teaching DD that she shouldn't do things just to go along w/the crowd, I don't think I have to worry about that. Mean girl 1 invited DD to spend the night once. DD was thrilled at first, until she tried to get DD to say bad things about the other girls (probably so she could repeat it and make DD look bad). DD saw through it and held her ground.

So now I've offered the idea of an indoor swim party for the whole class...I probably could've saved this whole debate if I'd thought of it sooner. It won't be the personal, intimate party she was hoping for, but it won't be a repeat of last year's skate party. No one's feelings will get hurt, she'll be able to discuss her party freely and she'll have fun swimming w/her friends which will kind of be a novelty since it's February. She's got a couple of weeks to decide. I may even mention the idea of an "unbirthday party" at the end of the summer. She can do the karaoke party w/o worrying about inviting everyone.

Sorry this got so long! I feel much better after writing it.

 

[darrose]

Grats on your decision I bet it feels good to have a decided this one way or another. It obviously wouldnt be the decsion I would have made, but a whole class at a party swimming sounds like fun. I like the idea of letting her later in the summer inviting her true friends to an unbirthday party, though thats probably because thats what I do for birthday parties. LOL
Heres an early Happy Birthday to your DD

 

[Partridge4ever]

Thanks darrose. And she may change her mind again before it's said and done. I told her for now not to bring up the subject of her birthday at school. It's still awhile away.

I reread your posts. You're right about the alcohol/drugs in later years. I said the same thing to my mom last spring. I worry about these girls who are followers. And I have tried to help DD find a few true blue friends. Unfortunately, every time she gets a "best friend" they move away or change schools.

Anyway, thanks again!

 

[barkley]

this is why we have'nt done a bday party for dd (11 1/2) for the past 2 years. and in her case she goes to a k-8th grade school with only 30 kids in total attendance (she's never had more than 2 or 3 kids in the same grade with her total).

we ran into the sibling issue-if we invite such and such, should'nt we invite her sister, i want to invite such and such but she's not as nice when such and such is around....

my daughters not thrilled with it (putting it mildly) but i point out that when dad and were kids "birthday parties" kind of petered out after 3rd grade, and if she wants to invite a couple of friends for pizza and a movie around her birthday thats pretty much what it will be.

oh, and as a side note-my dh went from k-8th with the same 20 kids in his class. he recalls that with few exceptions the nasty ones stayed nasty throughout, remained in their little cliques and did'nt need an excuse (like not being invited to a bday party) to decide to make someone miserable. it was the way they operated.