Children & Sleeping

[flipflopmom]

I'm going to totally rock the boat here. No flames, just my personal experience. Monster spray = bad idea in my book. You are affirming there are monsters. I have severe nighttime anxiety, which has carried over into adulthood. Not a night goes by that I don't visualize someone breaking into my house, my house on fire, etc. I've learned to read myself to sleep to keep all thoughts away. Still have nightmares, but I deal.

My DD slept with us until she was 7. She slept-walked, had night terrors, all the same stuff I did as a child. I PROMISE I did not project my fears onto her, she started at 1 year with scratching at the walls and screaming during her sleep.

We tried bribing, redecorating her room, music, "lovies", night lights, fish tanks, sitting outside her door, letting her sleep in hallway outside our door, you name it.

Was it comfortable for her to be with us? NO. Did everyone sleep more? Yes. Around age 7, it got tooo uncomfortable. Several nights of knock-down, drag out fights, sleep in your room at all costs. Everyone was crying, no one slept. Made the nights worse. She was reading a little at the time, but not enough to be interested. We let her watch a movie, and she would crash while it was on. We set the sleep timer, so it turned off after she went to sleep. We let this go on for a while, then turned her on to magazines, American Girl, etc. that she could look at without having to read. Helped most nights. Now she reads herself to sleep at age 10, but not without coming to give us goodnight kisses at least twice in the interim.

For us, the objective was learning coping techniques. We took a serious backslide when my dad died in September, but she is on her way back now.

 

[liznboys]

How do I get my 6 year old DD to sleep by herself in HER bed in HER room? She says she's scared (which of course makes it harder).....but there has to be a less painful way than just making her do it (which I can't do anyway). Any ideas??

Hey Amanda! We've dealt with this too with our 5 yr old (almost 6). He slept on a mattress on our floor for a while. He's fine now because he shares his room with my 3 yr old. I wish I had some great advice, but I can only wish you luck! Hang in there!!

 

[mommyof2princesses]

I feel for you. We have not had this problem with our daughters, but I did do the cry it out thing when dd was about 15 months. It was hard for the first few nights, but she figured it out and has no problems now.

How about a bedtime routine? Do you have one. Our dd6's is to have a light snack, we brush her teeth, get her pjs on and one story. She reads it herself now, but I used to read her a book every night. She also has a nightlight in her room ( I had one too till I got married!). She also likes to listen to music, so we put a cd on a loop and it plays all night. My older dd also listens to music while she sleeps. My dh and I have a fan running all night for white noise. Maybe one or some of these ideas can help. I can't sleep now without white noise! Thanks dh.

I have to agree about monster spray being not a good idea. Only because it reinforces the idea that there truly are monsters. But, if it works for some people, all the power to ya!

 

[flipflopmom]

I forgot to add, we did buy some lavendar essential oil, put it in a spray bottle, and called it "sweet dreams" spray. I would spray her pillow with it, and tell her it would help her mind calm down. Lavendar is a calming scent...

 

[princessmom29]

I forgot to add, we did buy some lavendar essential oil, put it in a spray bottle, and called it "sweet dreams" spray. I would spray her pillow with it, and tell her it would help her mind calm down. Lavendar is a calming scent...

Unless you are allergic. My DD would wake up covered in hives!!! She cannot tolerate any fragrances, especially floral oils. I am allergic, but not nearly to the degree she is. I cannot use any type of product with fragrance on her skin, hair, clothing, or bedding. DH is the same way.

 

[locolala]

Honestly.. my parents just locked their door when I was having issues with that. Dad would also put down invisible monsters in the hallway (lol.. yeah, it worked though) and make a path to my bathroom so I could go there. If I did manage to get into their room, I was picked up and put back in my room. After a few nights of them doing that, I just gave up and stayed in my room.

 

[DrummerBoy523]

My now 5yo DS had some security issues after my DH left for Iraq when he was 3 and he got into the habit of sleeping in my bed and I wasn't getting any sleep. Finally the summer before kindergarten we started putting 3 pennies on the floor in the doorway of his bedroom. Each time he got up (except to go potty) he would lose a penny. If he got in my bed before 6am he lost all 3 pennies (he has a digital clock in his room). Whatever pennies were left in the morning he got to keep. We did it for about 2 weeks before he got it down, but he rarely lost any pennies. And we also let him play with small quiet toys in his bed until he fell asleep and made sure he was very active during the day so he could learn to fall asleep on his own easily.

It's worked very well, although we do have to start over with it again after he's been sick and is getting better because I let him sleep with us when he's sick so I can watch him. Oh, it also helps that he goes to bed at the same time as everyone else so there aren't any other kids up while he has to be in bed.

My middle son has severe anxiety which was causing him not to sleep because he was scared to be in his room. Last summer, at the height of his panic attack problems, he would be up for several hours, and someone had to be outside his room or in the room befoer he'd sleep, and even that did not always work. I decided that this was beyond normal (he had some other behaviors that were troubling too). So we started therapy.

He now sees a therapist for the anxiety. Her techniques--which have worked very well for him--are that he's supposed to read for 10-15 minutes (he likes that), do deep breathing (in through the nose, out through the mouth), and to listen to relaxing music. He's supposed to think of pleasant thoughts, so at first, he and I would choose three different things that could make him happy, and he was supposed to make a list of all the reasons why he liked those things. For instance, one of his "things" was Disney, so he'd go through the list of what parts of the Disney trip were fun. If he ran out of those things and was still awake, then he'd move on to one of the other ideas. He was supposed to think about these things while he did his breathing, listened to the music, and was laying down.

His personal choice for music, which I bought in the stantionery section at Target, is Hawaiian music, so I tease him that he's pretending he's at the Polynesian.

Anyway, he does very well now with these simple techniques. Once in a while, he has some issues and gets up, but I just remind him to go back, do his breathing, and try again, and he's always been able to make it. Even if your daughter is not one with other anxiety issues like my son has, I think these types of techniques might help her. They changed our life.

I wish you the best.

Both are great ideas and our family has done a combination of both. Our DS started having anxiety after we moved from California to Tennessee. So, after consulting a therapist we tried several options and came up with a combination of these. We put three nickels outside the door as described in the first post. Our DS6 was able to buy a model car worth about $12 after just a few months. We also read to our DS6 for about 10 minutes prior to bed with him IN BED. We then put on soothing music that he choses - his current CD of choice happens to be the Lullaby renditions of U2 songs. At first, we would check on him every 10 minutes to give him some security until he was asleep. Eventually, we weaned that into checking on him once in about 15 minutes, and now he's usually asleep before we make it back in to check on him. We use night lights in his room and we leave the bathroom light (just outside his br door) on until he's asleep.

We now start the WEEK off with 4 quarters - not per/night but per/week. If he needs to come into our room for any non-emergency, it costs him a quarter. Every now and then he thinks it is worth the money and he comes in due to bad dreams or whatnot - but he is NOT allowed to stay in our bed whatsoever.

Good luck!

 

[tam626]

Some real good ideas. I really like Supernanny's idea about sitting by the bed & each night moving further away. That way she gets use to you being further & further away as she falls asleep.

 

[badblackpug]

I don't recommend the sitting by the bed until she falls asleep technique. You will be doing that every night. At 6, you are probably going to have to prepare yourself for a fight. You probably shouldn't make her comfortable. Explain to her that she is too big to sleep in your bed, and that she will have to sleep on the floor in your room. (as she does have a perfectly good bed she could sleep in if she so desired) Don't put a mattress down or anything, just let her sleep on the floor. I would also institute some type of reward system for staying in her own bed.

 

[WDWorBUST]

Oh I did think of something else....she is scared to death of fire and I know has had nightmares that our house was on fire. I have no idea why the fear of fire - no one close to us as ever suffered the tragedy of a house fire, or anyone she knows (to my knowledge anyway). But we went out to eat for DH's birthday to Osaka and I thought she would love it - I forgot about them starting off with the big fire....I felt so bad. And even if there is some fear it is a battle of wills....and to be honest her will has just been the stronger of the two I will just keep at it. I did lay down with her last night and she slept in her bed (of course then the problem is I fall asleep too)....I did wake up and go to my bed, but then she called for me and I went back in and laid down with her again. She was not happy that she just didn't get to go back to bed with me.....but eventually went back to sleep and I went back to my bed. We don't have a routine exactly, but we do always read before bed. It makes it harder that two days a week DH & I get up to go to bootcamp at 4:15am so the nights before that I have a hard time dealing with the fight. I guess I will look at it as a work in progress....but wouldl love to hear more stories of what worked for you guys.

 

[princessmom29]

Oh I did think of something else....she is scared to death of fire and I know has had nightmares that our house was on fire. I have no idea why the fear of fire - no one close to us as ever suffered the tragedy of a house fire, or anyone she knows (to my knowledge anyway). But we went out to eat for DH's birthday to Osaka and I thought she would love it - I forgot about them starting off with the big fire....I felt so bad. And even if there is some fear it is a battle of wills....and to be honest her will has just been the stronger of the two I will just keep at it. I did lay down with her last night and she slept in her bed (of course then the problem is I fall asleep too)....I did wake up and go to my bed, but then she called for me and I went back in and laid down with her again. She was not happy that she just didn't get to go back to bed with me.....but eventually went back to sleep and I went back to my bed. We don't have a routine exactly, but we do always read before bed. It makes it harder that two days a week DH & I get up to go to bootcamp at 4:15am so the nights before that I have a hard time dealing with the fight. I guess I will look at it as a work in progress....but wouldl love to hear more stories of what worked for you guys.

I honestly think that if you would just put your foot down and tell her no more, you would all be happier and better rested. Just tell her that no amount of screaming and crying will get her any attention form you after you have put her to bed and stick to that. I suggest the method Supernanny uses for older children. Put her in the bed and walk away. Do not engage her other than to put her back in bed if she gets out, and don't speak to her. If you don't give in it WILL work. A consistent routine and bed at the same time every night will help as well. It is hard to be strong and follow through, but you will all be so much better for it. There is no easy or painless way out of these kinds of situations, as much as I wish there were. Sometimes as parents we just have to bite the bullet and do what is best for our families even when it is the hrader road to take.

 

[Tam1067]

I honestly think that if you would just put your foot down and tell her no more, you would all be happier and better rested. Just tell her that no amount of screaming and crying will get her any attention form you after you have put her to bed and stick to that. I suggest the method Supernanny uses for older children. Put her in the bed and walk away. Do not engage her other than to put her back in bed if she gets out, and don't speak to her. If you don't give in it WILL work. A consistent routine and bed at the same time every night will help as well. It is hard to be strong and follow through, but you will all be so much better for it. There is no easy or painless way out of these kinds of situations, as much as I wish there were. Sometimes as parents we just have to bite the bullet and do what is best for our families even when it is the hrader road to take.

Please do not make generalizations like this. I posted before about my middle DS who has severe anxiety which we did not realize was such until last summer when we sought treatment for him. We had a routine. We had rules. He'd never slept with us, and my other two never did either. But his anxiety was manifesting itself in the inability to sleep (among other behaviors). He would try to read himself to sleep but could not because as soon as he stopped reading, the fears would return. When I would try to lay down the law, the anxiety got worse. And the technique I posted before which his therapist devised for us DOES work.

I'm not saying that some kids don't need to be told to knock off the drama, but when a child has mental health issues, telling him or her to behave or act differently is counterproductive.

I'm also not saying that the OP's DD has true anxiety problems like my son does, but if she's truly fearful and the fears are multiple (ours included "robbers" and monsters and airplanes and being kidnapped--lots of things), then telling her not to be afraid and to get back in bed will not necessarily work and might make it worse. It bothers me when people might see my DS having a panic attack in public and thinking that I need to tell him to stop behaving so ridiculously.

 

[abcboys]

Well, my 7 year old. (8 next month) has been coming into our room for years and I finally just give up and let him...BUT he does not get in our bed with us. He must bring his own pillow and blanket in and sleep on the floor. He must start out in his room but almost 100% of the time he is on our floor in the morning. Most of the time I never hear him come in so what can I do? I figure on of these days he'll outgrow it but it sure doesn't seem like anytime soon. I know if he bothered me like trying to climb in bed with us or waking us up I would not be happy. Right now I think its just habit.

 

[badblackpug]

When my ex's daughter 1st came to live with us, she had been used to sleeping in bed with her grandmother, and was HUGELY reluctant to sleep by herself. He started the "I'll lay down with you until you fall asleep" thing, and it backfired. He would fall asleep, too, at her bedtime, and then be up in the middle of the night. We finally just put our collective foot down and told her she had to sleep by herself. There was some crying and tantruming, but as soon as she realized it wouldn't work she went to sleep without any problems after that. This is part of my "don't start it if you don't foresee yourself doing it for the next 5 plus years" theory. Set up a routine that works for you, and stick to it. Because children like routine and stability, make sure it is a routine you can live with for the years to come.
Seriously? What about just locking your door? Tell her she is too big to sleep in your bed, that you cannot get a decent night's rest when she is there and you need your sleep, too.
...and on the topic of locked doors.... how do you have any "quality time" if you have a child in your room/bed every night?

 

[princessmom29]

Please do not make generalizations like this. I posted before about my middle DS who has severe anxiety which we did not realize was such until last summer when we sought treatment for him. We had a routine. We had rules. He'd never slept with us, and my other two never did either. But his anxiety was manifesting itself in the inability to sleep (among other behaviors). He would try to read himself to sleep but could not because as soon as he stopped reading, the fears would return. When I would try to lay down the law, the anxiety got worse. And the technique I posted before which his therapist devised for us DOES work.

I'm not saying that some kids don't need to be told to knock off the drama, but when a child has mental health issues, telling him or her to behave or act differently is counterproductive.

I'm also not saying that the OP's DD has true anxiety problems like my son does, but if she's truly fearful and the fears are multiple (ours included "robbers" and monsters and airplanes and being kidnapped--lots of things), then telling her not to be afraid and to get back in bed will not necessarily work and might make it worse. It bothers me when people might see my DS having a panic attack in public and thinking that I need to tell him to stop behaving so ridiculously.

Sorry, I didn't mean to offend. I should not have assumed that everyone would take my posts to apply to a "typical" child and not one with significant mental healtth issues. Again, sorry. The OP said that she felt that it was more of a battle of wills than true fear, and that was the info I was going on. I didn't mean to imply that the above approach would necessairly work for a child with special issues, but I do hold that it will work for the vast majority of children without underlying mental health issues. Most kids in this situation are not like your child. They are simply playing the angle that works to get them into mom and dad's room. Ther are certianly excpetions.

 

[WDWorBUST]

...and on the topic of locked doors.... how do you have any "quality time" if you have a child in your room/bed every night?

We were doing really good with her being in her bed from bedtime until around 2am.

 

[dizneemom]

We have taken our 6 yr old to a play therapist because of anxiety issues. He bought a couple cheap plain t-shirts and puffy paints. We drew pictures (all her ideas of what would keep her safe) with pencil first on the t-shirt like a cross, heart, sunshine, and arms that came around the front of the shirt like a big hug. My DD used puffy paints and traced the lines. This was her "safe shirt" . We did 2 shirts in case one was in the wash. This idea was priceless for my daughter. She felt safe with her shirt on and helped her learn that she would be o.k. at night. As far as not getting up when tucked in, we use homeade Disney dollars. I just made them myself. If she gets up without it being an emergency, she gets deducted 1 disney dollar. If she stays in bed-she gets one. This has worked very well because she wants to go to BBB on our next trip. Also, consistancy is the key. Its hard but it is best.

 

[crisi]

We moved from the bed to a chair in the room...from the chair in the room to sitting on the floor in the door. From there to the hall, from there to the stairs, and from there to "I'll check on you in five minutes." It took a long time.

 

[kwitcherkicken99]

Oh I did think of something else....she is scared to death of fire and I know has had nightmares that our house was on fire. I have no idea why the fear of fire - no one close to us as ever suffered the tragedy of a house fire, or anyone she knows (to my knowledge anyway). But we went out to eat for DH's birthday to Osaka and I thought she would love it - I forgot about them starting off with the big fire....I felt so bad.

Sometimes you just can't explain some of those dreams. When I was around 6 or 7 I had a dream that King Kong (I've never seen the movie) attacked my family at a country fair and I was scared to death that he was going to come after me, so every night, I had to fall asleep with a large teddy bear between me and my window.

As I got older, I find I have the same 2 nightmares whenever I get too cold when I sleep. If for some reason the blankets get pulled off of me and my body temp gets too low, I have nightmares about tornadoes or being attacked by guys with guns. It's the same dream all the time. I'll usually wake up from it, but I can't ever seem to make them stop.

Is there a possibility that she's getting too hot/too cold at night and that is causing the funky dreams?

 

[deerhart]

some things we have done (another parent with a child with both anixety and some SID issues, anixety remains, SID we worked through).

Had him pick a date for when he would sleep and stay in his bed (he picked the month starting after his 5th b-day). We made a HUGE deal about it. How he was going to be a big boy etc.. and then we reminded him of his promise to us to sleep in his bed when he balked after the move.

When either boy comes to the bed in the middle of the night, we give them minimal attention. Usually its them coming in, crawling under the covers, us asking what is wrong, and sending them back to bed. Sometimes they dont even get that far. Usually its I had a bad dream, we say okay, and take them and tuck them back in bed. If its a t-storm (both my boys hate the thunder like me) I usually let them stay until they are nodding off and we move them (just easier that way). They rarely come in anymore.

The each have an nightlight and each has a multicolored miniature christmas tree that they insisted we leave up. Also the bathroom light usually has to be on (but I try to shut the door or turn it off every night. My youngest can sleep with the door shut (or partial shut) but my oldest it has to be wide open, light pouring in. One of the SID things left over. I won't even go into the mess we had with him at age 2 and the light. He slept for almost 3 years with every light in his room on and the minute it went off he screamed bloody murder. We had to choose between him screaming and waking up the newborn OR leave the light on and waking up the newborn (who had to have it dark the next room over). We ended up with the oldest in our bed watching TV with a softer light on and sleeping and the newborn sleeping (part of why I had him in my bed until he was 5)

We also give our youngest his MP3 player to listen to music (he's had severe cases of reoccurring insominia since he was 3 years old, music is way better then medication!)

If you know what her fears are about, then address them. If its the dark, leave a light on outside her room, give her a flashlight to use if she gets scared. If its something else, discuss things like safety and such and teach her what to do in case those happens.

The key we have always found with our boys is to give them a measure of control, but we still dictate the circumstances. It was control letting our oldest select a date, it is control letting them choose their night lights (or which light to leave on) it was control to allow him to choose an MP3 player or a stuffed animal. Since they were making that choice, they don't stop to consider that they could choose an unvoiced choice, not to comply at all, because they have gotten to make the choice. So with her, tell her that you understand she is afraid of the dark, that most people are afraid of the dark, and you would like to help her. Let her choose either a flashlight or a nightlight and then tie a reward in for her being a big girl and staying in her room (1st night, 1 week, 1 month, then drop it).

Remember it takes 21 days to make a habit!