Child Behavior Question

[CamColt]

Does anyone have a child who does not listen to them, and does not obey them at all. DS, 6 has been absolutely awful the past few weeks. Yesterday was pretty bad and somehow he managed to top it today. I just ended up going ballistic on him(I know, yelling doesnt work, but at this point I had to let out some steam). He is now in his room, with no toys for the rest of the day. This came after the going to bed 1/2 hour early punishment, then an hour early, then no dessert, etc... We give him every possible punishment and he could care less.
What do you do to get through to your kids??? Im at the end of my rope!

BTW, he has received a "great listener" award in school and his teacher tells us how he is one of the best at listening/following directions.

 

[nkjzmom]

I'm right there with you some days. DS who is 8 is just like that. Recently he's been really angry at times. At school he's just awesome but when he hits the van it starts...with his sisters. I remember feeling the same way (we're both the oldest children) so I'm hoping it's a stage and I can just "love him through it".

Usually I have some sort of advice.....but today I just wanted to send you some PD, because you obviously need and deserve it!!!

 

[JESW]

Oh boy..sorry, no advice...just letting you know that you are not alone! DS is 8 and has had an attitude for a while. If you ask him to do something you have to ask him and ask him and ask him, and then he yells FINE! and stomps off. I've explained to him (MANY times) that if he only did things the FIRST time then I wouldn't have to yell. Never works. After that I get - "whatever" - argh!! That drives me nuts!! I also hear he does well in school and at other peoples houses. Guess they are just saving it all for us, huh??

But just when we can see SOME light at the end of the tunnel with some of his behavior, we've got DD4 coming right up with issues of her own. Calgon, take me away!

Hang in there!!!

Jill

 

[Kallison]

CC - I can so identify. Our middle child 10 year old DS has spent more time in his room then the other two combined. I always feel bad that I'm yelling at him more, but when you just won't listen...I really don't have any other recourse. Now he is in 4th grade and it has really improved this year, but his nickname is "I know", because every time we ask him to do something that is his reply. We get the same reports from his teacher too, stellar classroom behaviour. I've tried to choose my battles carefully and not go ballistic over every little thing. Also not compare him to his older DS who is never in trouble and always does what he is told immediately! Makes you wonder how you get such different kids from the same gene pool. They are all three lovable for their own qualities though.

 

[CamColt]

Thanks for all the info! Im glad hes not the only one. I guess its normal. I too was hoping this is just a stage.

Some of the things lately are when I tell him to stop doing something, he will stop and 2 seconds later go back to doing it...over and over and over until I finally lose it. Or say he asks for a snack and I say no not now, he will go on and on with the 'but this and but that". Ill tell him again, I said no, then he gets all whinny about it. Also, if I or DH say no to something, he immediately goes to the other one and asks the same thing. Hes driving us insane!

And we dont really say no to a lot of things, but lately he seems to be asking/nagging for everything(lots of snacks or treats, stuff like that).

 

[Kirk]

I'm no expert but I find the only thing that works for me is to lay it all out and stick to my guns. I drafted a contract with my 15 YO DD- the most important resonsibilities for me and the most important privileges for her. We reviewed them together, did a little editing to compromized issues, printed it out and both signed it. Now we hold each other accountable to the facts! She knows what happens before she does it so I don't have to get all stressed out each time - just refer to the contract. My biggest problem is sticking to my guns - I'm too used to spoiling her rotten!

 

[Deb & Bill]

How about talking to him when he's calm (and you are, too) and see if you can find out what's bothering him? Your punishments seem to be a bit harsh for a 6 yr old and he doesn't seem to be phased by it at all.

Do you have any other kids? Does he feel like he is being ignored and just trying to get your attention? Turn it into positive attention instead of negative attention.

If he asks for something do you tell him when he can have it? Like no snack until 5PM or something like that. Maybe you can give him some snacks that he can eat anytime. Carrots, cheese, etc. instead of candy or cookies.

Maybe when you say no, you should follow it up with a consequence - like if you ask again, you get a timeout for 6 minutes. (I don't like yelling or hitting, so we do timeout - one minute per year of age). He can get a time out and then get another if he keeps on doing something he's not supposed to.

Don't know if any of this will help, but you never know.

 

[MerryPoppins]

We used the system developed by Jim Fay called Love and Logic. It's great. Has a lot to do with learning how to respond and sticking to the plan. Check it out at www.loveandlogic.com

They have books for teens, too. It's different, but the theory is basicly the same.

 

[jfulcer]

A couple of hints that are working with DD5. She still fights it tooth and nail, but she understands her consequences now:

1) Stick to your punishment. Do not say "If you don't stop now, we're not going to Grandmas house" or some such and don't stick with it. If you say you are going to do a punishment, BE PREPARED TO DO IT. DW kept threatening to do things but she never did and couldn't understand why DD didn't care. After I pointed this out to her, it works much better.

2) Find your sons "currency" (sorry, I got that from Doctor Phil ). For our DD, it is the stuffed animals in her bed. There are 4 that she sleeps with every night that are the important ones. If we want to punish DD, we take those away. She will cry and cry and cry. But nothing else gets her to stop doing what she's doing faster than threatening to take her 'guys' away. What is the MOST important thing to your son right now. Be prepared to take it away for a day or so. It works.

3) DW and I are consistent (or at least try to be). She will not overrule my punishment and I don't overrule her. Yes, she will go to the other parent to question a punishment, but we've learned the game and don't fall for it.

Good luck!

 

[aahmom1]

6 is a VERY bad age, I'll bet he is in 1st grade right? Let me just say, this too shall pass.

 

[yasuern]

There is only so much gd behavior in a child in 24hours and by the time they get home its gone

Seriously we use time outs and if I feel myself getting angry - I give myself a time out - I go into the bathroom for a few minutes to cool down. We also try to keep the behavior separate from the child ie:That was a bad thing you choose to do - not you are bad - because the behavior is bad the child is not.

 

[kendall]

PD to you, I think all parents (myself included) can identify with you!

If DS has been a wonderful listener and conformer at school, chances are at home he is using this venue as his opportunity to test the limits and be a place to be a non-conforming kid.

I would try the calm route and offer DS choice - "You can do A or B, your choice, but you must choose. When do you think you can have A (or B) done?...." Help DS use the clock to establish a time to complete the activity. I also remember that while both my kids did well when they had a choice (sometimes the choices were not pleasant), sometimes I had to stay present in the room while the task was finished and then offer a "job well done" immediately. And, for my DD, she had more difficulty breaking down overwhelming general tasks - "clean your room" was too big - she needed "pick up your clothes and put them in the laundry basket", "put your books on your bookshelf", etc.

I also agree with posters that you will have to establish the expectations and (positive and negative) consequences, clearly sticking to your word.

Good luck! They do become rational little beings, eventually. But right now the 6 year old logic can be challenging.....

 

[karebear1]

Lots and lots of good advice here! Here's what has helped us. Usually when my kids were behaving that way it was because they needed and wanted our attention- most of the time just giving it to them was very helpful. HOWEVER...... when it didn't help, we made sure that the punishment was a natural consequence of their behavior and RELATED to their misbehavior. If Josh was throwing toys around the room and wasn't picking them up, them mommy would pick up toys and put them in a bag that he couldn't see again for however many hours/days I thought was appropriate. The other thing that is an absolute must is to be consistant with what you and your spouse say will happen- and be sure you're on the same page- if not.......... oh man! YOU'RE IN TROUBLE!!!!!! In know that x3!

 

[cruisnfamily]

Originally posted by aahmom1
6 is a VERY bad age, I'll bet he is in 1st grade right? Let me just say, this too shall pass.

I think I will take this advice to heart!

We've been having a HORRIBLE year with DS (now 7 and in 1st grade) but our problem is reversed....he's fine at home, the problem is at school. Long involved story here but I'm going with the "this too shall pass" theory!

 

[CamColt]

Wow! Great advice everyone! Thanks so much
I should add that we do start off with a warning, talking, timeout etc... Its when he keeps pushing the subject, doesnt listen, and repeatedly disobeys us, when the harsher punishments come into play. The going to bed early really worked for a while because it was something he really didnt want. But I think school is making him more tired(hes in full day kindergarten) and now hes appreciating going to bed early.

 

[karebear1]

CamColt- are you a stay at home mom??

 

[December99]

Ignoring what he is doing, unless of course it will cause harm to him or others, is how I have learned to deal with dd and still do - and she's 13. If she has a great week - we do things together that she likes or I'll let her pick something to do - a fav game, something to do together - something fun.

I saw a post as I was going through all the posts from the weekend about 1-2-3 Magic. I used this and to this day it still works for me also - but the ignoring part is the best thing I've done. It's hard but it works.

 

[CamColt]

Yes Karabear, I am.

 

[goofy4tink]

I think my 9 y/o dd is practicing for the debate team!! Everything I say meets with an argument. I have 2 other kids, one 29, the other 26. I have to say that with them, I got this behavior a lot later in life. Maybe around 12 or so. We also set the rules. Katie knows what the repercussions are if she ignores the rules. I think whoever said that they have to behave all day and then they just let loose, is right on the mark. But, there's only so much 'lip' I'll take. After all, I am the parent, not a friend. They have to learn respect someplace. This is something I don't see a lot of in her friends. There doesn't seem to be much respect for elders happening. Oh well. Must be my age showing.

 

[karebear1]

GOOD FOR YOU! You're a rare breed these days! Well then , I think that there are several things going on in his little head. First- He's gone from being with mom all day long to being away from Mom most of his day. He probably really would miss your undivided attention. He's also feeling a little independance. He 's probably really experiencing that for the first time- being at school all day- making more decisions for himself- even if they are just 6 year old decisions! Don't we all get a little wild when we feel that first twinge of freedom?!?! I know it's hard to comprehend that a 6 year old would have those feelings- but they do, just in a 6 year old way! My kids are all grown up now. I'm 43 and my youngest is 19. I look back on those days and wish I could do it all over again. Don't get me wrong- I have great kids, that have, in all, been relatively easy to raise. But oh how I wish I would have raised them the way I think now! I guess we all grew up at the same time. My biggest mistake was in not recognizing their ages and what was age appropriate behavior for them. I expected way too much from them a lot of the time. I think if you could get your hands on a good book about kids and what kind of behavior is typical for their age, that you would save yourself and your kid a lot of unnecessary "trauma" !!! I am not suggesting that you ignore bad behavior, just suggesting that you might find a better way to handle this situation. Completely ignoring teaches him he can do what he wants. It's a big balancing act is all I can say! Anyway- no matter the age, consistancy, attention and love will get ya what you want.