Honey, I am so sorry for what you are going through. I know it is TOUGH. I was in a very similar circumstance in which I filed an order against my BF of 6 years. May as well refer to him as husband as we had two children together and shared everything together as one. Life began to overwhelm me with too many responsibilities. I wanted him to step it up because I truly needed some relief!
Have you spoken to him? Honey, did you truly try to speak to him before filing a protective order against him? A protective order is all about control. You wanted control in your relationship. But leading up to the order, please reflect, who attempted to control who first? Did he attempt to control you first by hitting you or acting in violence? Did you provoke him to act in this way? Honey I ask these questions, because I made a mistake when I filed my order against my boyfriend. He was actually innocent of the protective order. It took me 5 years to realize what I had done, and I wish I could take it all back. The advice that nobody ever told me is in the next few questions. Did you try to control him first? Did you exclude him from this enchanting Disney vacation before or after events that led to the protective order? Did you explicitly mention that you were going to withhold other important things from him, i.e. vacations, love, admiration, sex, children?
You said he changed "passwords" to your and his bank accounts. Honey, do you have logins for a personal credit card of your own? Do you have logins for other personal accounts of your own? Let me guess, he changed the logins for accounts that are considered joint, and left the ones that are considered personal as is, correct? Just think about that, if he were truly acting in malice he might have changed the logins for accounts that are not his. If he did not, then take my advice and reconsider your stance that perhaps he has not acted in malice. You can get username/passwords for your own accounts from customer service in minutes. But if you have violated his trust and he feels threatened that you will misappropriate money from your joint accounts, then good for him to have protected the joint accounts until you can cool down.
Honey, why did you choose to cut off all communication with him? Do you honestly not enjoy talking to him anymore? You can choose to separate permanently, yet if there are children, you are only making it harder for yourself, as you will be required to communicate with him. I would practice communication, open up the channel again and you will be surprised at how receptive he is. I always wondered what would have happened if I had voluntarily revoked the protective order against my BF. The next several paragraphs I found on the internet 3 years ago helped me to understand my mistake. May you come to understand this now, and hopefully you can save yourself years of pain and course correct sooner than later. WYATB
“Anxieties, fears, judgements and other insecurities are developed as we grow (starting from year 2) and interact with the world. Our upbringing and social conditioning play a huge role in shaping and developing our external character. This is the character that we present to the outside world- as it feels “safe” and soothes any inner anxiety (usually developed through childhood). The problem is that this defence mechanism also has the tendency to work against us. Instead of confronting the deep seated pain and confusion, many people find it easier to project their hurt and frustration towards others.
The mind of a person can become obsessed with protecting itself through words and behaviour, that by others, it is perceived as evil at heart. In reality, and when the “threat” is no longer present one often observes a beautiful and very sensitive soul behind the nasty external presentation.
When one is battling inner pain or perhaps is totally unaware of their own fears and anxieties, they will find it hard to accept that people are essentially “good at heart”. Compassion deficient individuals are shallow in their perception and will find it natural to judge and negatively label the core being of others who are in fact suffering just like they are.
For someone to truly appreciate why people end up being perceived as bad or not “good at heart”, they need to have maturity, awareness, compassion and understanding. All these can be achieved gradually through the committed practice of mindfulness. We really are not born evil.” -Mandy
