Changing an adopted child's name

[leight]

As an adoptee I will add my two cents. I was placed twice for adoption in the late 60's- when babies were considered clean slates. My birth name was Wendy (which I do not like- and I do not like my adoptive name either!) I don't know if the first family I was placed with called me something else- they chose not to keep me because I was very olive skinned with dark eyes and they thought I might be biracial (as if that should matter!) I was placed with my permanent family at 5months. I never knew my birth name was Wendy until I turned 18- and it was a major argument to get this info from my adopted mom. (although she gave my adopted brother his original info at age 8!) I never liked my names- and as soon as my best friend nicknamed me Leigh- I stuck to it like glue- it was my choice, my identity.

Both my adopted brother and dh-who is also adopted and in reunion- were adopted at about 18months- neither remember their original names or seem to hold any grudges against their aparents for changing them.

For me, however, years later as an adult when my adopted dad and I got to talking, he said that for years I loved the name Wendy. I looked up whenever anyone said it and my favorite story was Peter Pan- and I would make noises when the name was spoken. As a toddler I named my dolls Wendy. I don't remember this but it seems fairly significant to me.

I searched, found and have a wonderful relationship with my birthmom. (no abuse- just an unwed teen mom doing the best she could for me) During my search I found my full name and I loved that she picked this name for me and actually gave me a middle name too- it made my initials the same as the man she loved. It has meaning for me but is not my name. I was amazed however that Leigh is my birthmom's middle name.... All of my birth family call me Leigh- not Wendy.

To OP- if at all possible keep the birthname as a part of the name or choose a name that has the availability of nicknames that your child can choose. I gave my favorite name to my youngest and she has changed her nickname overtime but loves her name because she can make it her own.

Good luck!

 

[wehavesix]

Very, very true. I briefly mentioned in my previous post that the child's name was changed to avoid stalking by the bio-mom. A bio-mom does not always agree with the discision to terminate her parental rights. And the very problems (mental, addictions, etc.) that led to the termination of parental rights often result in a bio-mom who does not make rational choices.

Often a child from foster care has been placed in the same area to facilitate parental visits and rehabilitation efforts. If rehab fails and the foster parents want to adopt the child may very well end up in the same geographical area.

Changing the name may help prevent an unbalanced bio-parent from tracking down the child with an unfortunate outcome.

Right you are. I also mentioned that as part of our motivation to change the names of our children way back when. Plus, I had a sibling group of 4 kids who were stair steps in age. It would have been easy for bio family to find us if they had tried. I had already seen the bio parents in Wal-mart, the supermarket, and in McDonald's so this wasn't just an irrational fear. My kids also needed the security of knowing they wouldn't be found and stolen away. The oldest son of this group (not my oldest son as I have 2 much older sons) was especially fearful of this happening. Having a brand new name helped reassure him that he was safe and we would always be his mom and dad.

 

[m&m's mom]

I did not read all the posts so I am not sure if this has already been said. I think it would not only be OK but would probably a good idea to change the childs name.
If the child was abused/neglected in anyway the kid they were was the one hurt. It could be a very good chance for the child to become a "good kid" and not the one someone thought was bad. In other words change name with the new start. In the childs mind "Billy" was a bad boy. "Fred" is a new start and is a loved cared for boy.
Also, my DD was called a nickname from birth. She never heard her birth name until oldest DD could pronounce her name. The nickname was not even close to her name. She enver missed a beat.
OK, I am rambling but changing the childs name to your choice is also a way for you to better bond with the child.

 

[raysnkaysmom]

I don't understand your need to change a child's name(one they are already familiar with). You don't know the child's name but, you want it to be something YOU have always wanted. An adoptive parent should accept their child "as is". Adjusting to a new home and family is already more difficult for an older child. Why give them the idea they aren't acceptable "just the way they are"?

I'm sorry if I sound harsh. It's truly not my intent.

Wow, AS IS? Wow. For a non-adoptive parent you sure are judgmental on what the protocol should be.

I agree with the first poster...it's her opinion...and alot of peoples opinion... I wouldnt' say it's judgemental to say 'as is'... we all accept our kids as is.. whether they are our birth children or adoptive children... whether they had redhair while we had brown, or they had downs syndrome and we were unprepared... You take what you get and you go with it.....

Please read the book, "Toddler Adoption: The Weavers Craft" by Mary Hopkins-Best.

We adopted one of our children through the foster care system. He came to us at two years old. We did NOT change his name. Everything I have read, everything I have heard from professionals say that is a very bad idea.

I guess when the OP goes to classes when a child is chosen, they will learn this, according to the specific childs age..... I do think the age has a major role in the decision.... But, I also agree with some others that if a child is a bit older (school age) and WANTS to change the name... that is different than you actually making that decision for them....

I know, sad isn't it? It was particularly nauseating to read that the OP shouldn't adopt because she has an "angry heart".

Although I dont' agree with the OP on changing the name of a child old enough to know their name... I do think some are TOO harsh on her.. and I think anyone willing to adopt has a beautiful heart......

 

[Aliceacc]

I haven't read all the responses; forgive me if I repeat.

We adopted my son from Korea when he was 7 months old. We gave him an American first name, but his middle name is the name he held in Korea.

He's growing up as an American. But, if at some point in the future, he ever wants to connect with his Korean background, he has that middle name that he was given at birth. It's part of who he is. No actions we can ever take will-- or should-- change that part of his personal history. It's his, not ours to play with or judge.

It will be up to him whether or not he ever uses the Korean part of his name.

 

[NEVERENOUGHWDW]

Lovely sentiment but not all adopt for the right reasons...just like some don't give birth for the right reasons.

IMHO changing a child's name is a bad choice for any parent...it almost validates that the child was "scarred" before the adoptive parent came into their life & that is something I wouldn't want any child to think.

 

[NEVERENOUGHWDW]

I did not read all the posts so I am not sure if this has already been said. I think it would not only be OK but would probably a good idea to change the childs name.
If the child was abused/neglected in anyway the kid they were was the one hurt. It could be a very good chance for the child to become a "good kid" and not the one someone thought was bad. In other words change name with the new start. In the childs mind "Billy" was a bad boy. "Fred" is a new start and is a loved cared for boy.
Also, my DD was called a nickname from birth. She never heard her birth name until oldest DD could pronounce her name. The nickname was not even close to her name. She enver missed a beat.
OK, I am rambling but changing the childs name to your choice is also a way for you to better bond with the child.

Something as simple as a name change cannot be used to erase history.

 

[mommy*RN]

IMHO changing a child's name is a bad choice for any parent...it almost validates that the child was "scarred" before the adoptive parent came into their life & that is something I wouldn't want any child to think.

I don't know if you are meaning an older child or any child. I'm most definitely not scarred by my parents opting to change my name when they adopted me. If anything I'm happy my mom got to experience that part of motherhood...especially since I've had my own kids and know the excitement of choosing the name. She never got to feel a baby kick in her womb, and in the 70s they didn't always throw baby showers for adoptive parents. Factor in the time she spent bonding with me, constantly aware that at any moment my birth mother could change her mind and take me back. She made the right choice by giving me the name she chose for me and cementing my place in our family.

 

[raysnkaysmom]

I don't know if you are meaning an older child or any child. I'm most definitely not scarred by my parents opting to change my name when they adopted me. If anything I'm happy my mom got to experience that part of motherhood...especially since I've had my own kids and know the excitement of choosing the name. She never got to feel a baby kick in her womb, and in the 70s they didn't always throw baby showers for adoptive parents. Factor in the time she spent bonding with me, constantly aware that at any moment my birth mother could change her mind and take me back. She made the right choice by giving me the name she chose for me and cementing my place in our family.

That's a beautiful sentiment.... I guess every child can take it differently...

I would just make sure you are doing the things you do for the RIGHT reasons.. not for your own satisfaction...