Caring for Parents Question

[MSSANDRA]

I took care of my parents WHEN THEY WERE ELDERLY and could not care for themselves. Your mom is only a year older than me. I work, am raising a six year old, putting a child through college, traveling, playing base ball, taking kid to karate twice a week, helping my husband pay the bills, keeping up our home and a million other things!! 50 is young and I would never enable her by supporting her. You are a kind person but I would stick to your guns.

 

[momof1princess]

Ok so I was reading the inheritance thread and it got me thinking. It seems a lot of people get money when their parents die. That's nice glad your family had the ability to do that for you....Now for the opposite side. How do you handle the needs of your parents. I ask because my Mom recently put me in the position where I had to be firm and refuse to care for her. Here is my issue.

She quit her job at 50 (last month). She maxed all her cards out and isn't paying her mortgage anymore. She has 0 pay but gets 1000.00 a month in oil royalties but now she wants to come live with me. I told her no way! I have small kids 4,8 and we are a single income house as is. We decided I would raise our kids and take care of our home. I will start working in about 2 years but I don't expect much from it. I'll be using a 10 year old degree at that point and have never worked before to boot. She would have to stay in the living room. However she wants us to buy a bigger house or build on an in-law suite. We are only 20 years apart and she should be working till the day she dies as far as I'm concerned since she decided to be money dumb. She feels I'm an ungrateful daughter and should welcome her into my home and pay her gas, food, living, medical and whatever else she needs. Oh and to top it off our 1 income where it covers all our needs it doesn't allow for more than a few grand a year in savings and every house repair, vacation and car issue eat away at that yearly. any advise for this? She is holding the oil royalties over me. They are from land our family has owned in SD/ND since 1800's. I told her to do what she wants with it. How would you deal with her if it were your Mom?

OP...I'm in a situation similar to yours. Mom had to file for disability in 1996, when she was only 45. She is now 62, and her SSI doesn't even cover her bills; my DGM helps her out each month. DGM's health is deteriorating, and mom expects the rest of the family to keep her up after DGM is gone. NO WAY! She was financially irresponsible my entire life, and squandered every penny she had on her former boyfriend, who dumped her once the money (workman's comp settlement) was gone; she's lost her mind if she thinks I'm going to even entertain the idea of giving her a dime of DH's hard-earned money. She can sell her house (which she can't afford the mortgage on) and find more affordable accommodations. The gravy train stops here.
I speak from experience when I say that moving her in with you would be a HUGE mistake.

 

[StitchesGr8Fan]

I would do just what you are doing OP.

 

[arminnie]

I am practically old enough to be your mother's mother. Some of my friends my age have children only a year or two younger than your mother.

I hate to say this about someone's parent - but she sounds like a very toxic individual. You deserve a lot of credit for making a life for yourself and not following in her footsteps.

You owe her nothing. Don't let her or anyone else try to guilt you. She can live in low income housing and get food stamps if she doesn't want to work. She will not be homeless and hungry unless she chooses to be.

I did take care of an elderly parent - but he was almost NINETY.

Stay strong and protect your family.

 

[Sadie22]

If it were my parent, I would make sure she got a thorough physical and mental evaluation to rule out any physical or psychological (in other words, treatable) causes for the bizarre behavior. If it were my parent, I would follow up to make sure that happened. If there is a diagnosis, there may be community services available.

 

[dakcp2001]

She willing decided to be a deadbeat. She is now not paying her debts, her mortgage, and wants a free ride. Heck no! Unless you want to be fully supporting her for the rest of her life, now is the time to put your foot down. Any monetary agreement will never come to pass, she has shown she does not honor her obligations. You will never see a dime, nor will you ever get any oil royalties. Instead, she will move in, mooch off of you. You will field all of the bill collector calls. You two will fight, she will never pay you, and inevitably she will be mad about something and use the oil royalties to hold over you.

SAY NO. BE FIRM AND CLEAR.

 

[Sunnywho]

This. As an adult we live with the consequences of our decisions. I am the "caretaker" for my father. I put it in quotes because he doesn't need a lot of care so to speak. He lives with me. I cook/clean for him. He is still pretty functional but not enough to work anymore. He helps out when he can. Him buying my milk really helps my grocery budget! But he doesn't pay us for bills or anything. If he had just quit working to quit working, this arrangement would not work for me. He has MS and it is starting to decline. A perfectly healthy adult needs to work unless they are supported some other way like a spouse.

He is fortunate to have you, and you are doing the right thing.

Maybe the OP's mom can get low income housing or Medicaid type programs. She sees moving in with her daughter as a solution to her problems, without concern that it would cause problems for the daughter and her husband?

 

[AntePrincess]

Ok so I was reading the inheritance thread and it got me thinking. It seems a lot of people get money when their parents die. That's nice glad your family had the ability to do that for you....Now for the opposite side. How do you handle the needs of your parents. I ask because my Mom recently put me in the position where I had to be firm and refuse to care for her. Here is my issue.

She quit her job at 50 (last month). She maxed all her cards out and isn't paying her mortgage anymore. She has 0 pay but gets 1000.00 a month in oil royalties but now she wants to come live with me. I told her no way! I have small kids 4,8 and we are a single income house as is. We decided I would raise our kids and take care of our home. I will start working in about 2 years but I don't expect much from it. I'll be using a 10 year old degree at that point and have never worked before to boot. She would have to stay in the living room. However she wants us to buy a bigger house or build on an in-law suite. We are only 20 years apart and she should be working till the day she dies as far as I'm concerned since she decided to be money dumb. She feels I'm an ungrateful daughter and should welcome her into my home and pay her gas, food, living, medical and whatever else she needs. Oh and to top it off our 1 income where it covers all our needs it doesn't allow for more than a few grand a year in savings and every house repair, vacation and car issue eat away at that yearly. any advise for this? She is holding the oil royalties over me. They are from land our family has owned in SD/ND since 1800's. I told her to do what she wants with it. How would you deal with her if it were your Mom?

If someone hasn't mentioned it yet, I'd be very concerned that, by taking your mother into your household and paying any money out of your pocket to cover her needs, you might become responsible for her debts. I know this is can happen if you help your elderly parent to pay for medical expenses (the account the money came from may be treated as a joint account, even if the money is yours, and drained to pay any remaining costs), and worry it could happen if she isn't paying rent. If she does pay rent than you might be forced to evict her at some point if the situation soured.

I think you're right to just say no to this, I don't think it can end well.

 

[HM]

I still can't get over the fact that she retired at 50 (and with no retirement fund). I am 51 and have a bunch of years in the workforce to go. I do have a couple friends that retired this year at 51, but they put in 30 years at their jobs and have a pension. They had a plan.

OP, you are absolutely doing the right thing by saying NO and not enabling her in any way. She made the absolute worst choice. No need for your family to suffer her mistakes.

 

[eliza61]

Ok so I was reading the inheritance thread and it got me thinking. It seems a lot of people get money when their parents die. That's nice glad your family had the ability to do that for you....Now for the opposite side. How do you handle the needs of your parents. I ask because my Mom recently put me in the position where I had to be firm and refuse to care for her. Here is my issue.

She quit her job at 50 (last month). She maxed all her cards out and isn't paying her mortgage anymore. She has 0 pay but gets 1000.00 a month in oil royalties but now she wants to come live with me. I told her no way! I have small kids 4,8 and we are a single income house as is. We decided I would raise our kids and take care of our home. I will start working in about 2 years but I don't expect much from it. I'll be using a 10 year old degree at that point and have never worked before to boot. She would have to stay in the living room. However she wants us to buy a bigger house or build on an in-law suite. We are only 20 years apart and she should be working till the day she dies as far as I'm concerned since she decided to be money dumb. She feels I'm an ungrateful daughter and should welcome her into my home and pay her gas, food, living, medical and whatever else she needs. Oh and to top it off our 1 income where it covers all our needs it doesn't allow for more than a few grand a year in savings and every house repair, vacation and car issue eat away at that yearly. any advise for this? She is holding the oil royalties over me. They are from land our family has owned in SD/ND since 1800's. I told her to do what she wants with it. How would you deal with her if it were your Mom?

What you are describing is 1000% totally different than the inheritance thread.

Basically your mom wants to be taken care of. period end of story.
LOL, I can't imagine me telling my kids what type of house they should buy or demanding that they change some thing as major as an addition.

She quite her job at 50, that was her choice. I'd simply ask her how's she enjoying retirement and politely ignore just about every thing else.

Of course she thinks you're ungrateful. She's not trying to see how this will effect you. If she did then she wouldn't be able to use you.

this would truly be an easy decision for me but guilt doesn't work on me, I think it maybe that I had an addict for a brother so I have years of experience with "users".

Stick to your guns. tell her you're sorry she feels that way but she is capable of taking care of yourself.


Personally I'm not mad at her, heck I would have loved it if at age 50 I found some one to pay my bills, let me quit my job and been able to lounge around all day. Unfortunately I got use to having heat in January so off to work I went.

Martin luther king siad it

 

[dakcp2001]

He is fortunate to have you, and you are doing the right thing.

Maybe the OP's mom can get low income housing or Medicaid type programs. She sees moving in with her daughter as a solution to her problems, without concern that it would cause problems for the daughter and her husband?

Ok, Ill say it. Why the heck should she get aid or low income housing because she doesn't feel like working? Her lack of planning is not our problem. She is able to work but CHOSE to quit. That is not the same as someone who needs help, is disabled, or legit needs low income housing. This woman does not need it. She just doesn't feel like working.

 

[Dizisfun]

I'm confused. Did your mother "retire" or did she simply quit her job? Not that it matters really and I'm in agreement with the others. No way would I let her move in.

I just "retired" in February. At 55 years of age with 32 year and 10 months of Federal Civil service. To me retiring means that you paid into a retirement system of some sort and are entitled to retirement compensation.

 

[Dizisfun]

I'm confused. Did your mother "retire" or did she simply quit her job? Not that it matters really and I'm in agreement with the others. No way would I let her move in.

I just "retired" in February. At 55 years of age with 32 year and 10 months of Federal Civil service. To me retiring means that you paid into a retirement system of some sort and are entitled to retirement compensation.

I should add that there is no way that I would move in with my daughter and expect her to support me financially.

 

[kayrosek]

My mother had to take an early retirement in her 50's and was declared disabled. DH and I have asked her to come live with us if and when my step dad passes (he is very ill) and she is considering it. The difference to me is that she didn't quit just because she wanted to, she's not demanding anything, her paying one or two small bills (water, gas) would help us, as would having her here to occasionally help with the medical needs of the children, and not paying any mortgage or all of the other bills would really help her. Family helps one another but it is a TWO way street.

 

[Darcy03231]

He is fortunate to have you, and you are doing the right thing.

Maybe the OP's mom can get low income housing or Medicaid type programs. She sees moving in with her daughter as a solution to her problems, without concern that it would cause problems for the daughter and her husband?

At 50 years old and not disabled I don't think the OP's mother qualifies for any of the Medicaid programs or low income housing. Around here she'd never make it to the top of the list. My ex-husband is disabled and has been on the list for low income housing for about 7 years now and nothing has opened up yet. People with minor children go to the top of the list. As a single man he keeps getting bumped.

 

[Pigeon]

My mother had to take an early retirement in her 50's and was declared disabled. DH and I have asked her to come live with us if and when my step dad passes (he is very ill) and she is considering it. The difference to me is that she didn't quit just because she wanted to, she's not demanding anything, her paying one or two small bills (water, gas) would help us, as would having her here to occasionally help with the medical needs of the children, and not paying any mortgage or all of the other bills would really help her. Family helps one another but it is a TWO way street.

There's a world of difference in my book between someone who is disabled and cannot work and a healthy person who has decided they don't feel like working any longer and would like to freeload.

 

[ceecee]

There's a world of difference in my book between someone who is disabled and cannot work and a healthy person who has decided they don't feel like working any longer and would like to freeload.

BIG difference. She needs to get a job until she can support herself! 50 is NOT old, my mom retired at 72 and didn't want to then. She needs to get a job until she is old enough to get her SS (if it's still in existance) at 68. Unless she can make it on $1000 a month. She may live another 40+ yrs and that's a long time to expect your child to take care of you. This is not an elderly woman who can no longer work.

 

[mhsjax]

I turn 50 in 3 months, (wow, almost choked over that one). My youngest is 12. I am actually going back to school this fall to brush up on some skills that I had before. I am planning to go back to work and work until I can't. I gave up a lot to stay home with the kids and now I want to go back and make money to have fun with in my older age.

I also have travel plans and I want to be able to fund them. I can't imagine being 50 and depending on my kids, unless there was something medically keeping me from working.

 

[d3boyz]

My sister and I are thinking of starting an Assisted Living Facility so we're well organized by the time our parents are not able to continue living independently. Like most of the posts I've read, responsible parents work and save for retirement, and are usually fiercly independent!

I'm sorry to learn of your situation. I'm almost your Mom's age and would never consider retirement until all of my children were grown and living on their own, the mortgage was paid off as well as any other outstanding large debts, and I have saved for myself a retirement that I could exist on without burdening my children. I know my parents feel the same about the burden issue, and they're reluctant to admit their increasing lack of mobility.

Their 50th Anniversary is today, in fact, and my siblings and I had wanted to send them on an Italian Cruise for the event. Sadly they are no longer able to travel distances like that, so we're (even as I type this) setting up a surprise 50th Anniversary party that will VERY much resemble a wedding reception! I'm both excited and exhausted ... Sherlock Holmes has NOTHING on my mother for knowing when something is up! At any rate, they will finally get their Honeymoon as well ... they will be going to Ocean City, MD for a week since they never did get a proper Honeymoon following their wedding! They both had to WORK the next day!

I wish you much strength to KNOW that you're doing the right thing for your family by sticking to your principles; showing your children what is good and proper, and even educating your mother about how to be responsible and not entitled.

Deb

 

[lady9]

I am stunned that a mom would do this to her child, put her in a position of guilt if the child refuses to support the parent. I would say no way. Your resentment to your mom would grow to the point you would not have a relationship with her. If you do not allow her to move it, she may be angry for a time, but hopefully would get over it and maintain a relationship with you and your children.

On a different note-my dad has no large intestine and only 60% of a small intestine, plus arthritis and HE STILL WORKS! He has obvious nutritional needs. My mom has mobility issues so she is unable to stand for more than a few minutes so cooking a meal is out. Thankfully I live very close and make my parents' dinner most nights so I know they are eating one good meal a day. They are able to get breakfast and lunch themselves. They would never dream of moving in with me while they are still able enough to take care of themselves.

I think the OP's mother should live with the consequences of her actions. If she loses the house and is in a shelter, I'm sure a job will start looking pretty good to her.