care to comment on this family situation?

[ez]

I thought I'd run this by you guys to get your opinion.
My family, my parents and my younger brother,(32 single,no GF) all live in the same town. Every year, forever, we have done every holiday together. A few years back, dh invited my brother to try out for the band he plays with(my brother drums) This went well for a couple years but the other guys in the band were tiring of my brother.(the rest of the band are 50ish) My brothers drumming was good, but he played on crummy borrowed drums,(wouldn't get his own)and never showed up to set up, always arriving for jobs at the last minute and leaving all the heavy work to everyone else. Also he was unavailable for half the jobs they wanted to book. Finally, the band leader(ya know, the rich guy that owns the trailor and all the equipment)had words with my brother and you guessed, he was out of the band.
My brother hasn't spoken to my husband since. My parents will not spent any holidays with my family anymore, choosing to be with my brother instead. Not mothers day, fathers day, thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas or New Years. Nada.
I am not holding a grudge against my parents for this, my life story is coming in far 2nd to my brother, so this is nothing new. However, I think they are just making things worse by doing this. I think they should have spent every holiday like we always had and maybe my brother would have gotten over it andcome. When I think of how far families travel to see each other over the holidays, and we are all in the same town and not having holidays together over this band thing, it is beyond ridiculous. What do you guys think?

 

[pirateofthecarolinas]

I think one day your parents will be very sorry for the way they have treated you.

Lori

 

[Serena]

I think your parents and brothers behavior is horrible and I agree with pirate.

Originally posted by pirateofthecarolinas
I think one day your parents will be very sorry for the way they have treated you.

 

[Winka]

If you're absolutely certain that this band thing is the main reason for the rift, then I agree with you, it's sad.

Is their not one neutral party in your family you could speak with to help mediate the situation? The more time passes, the more difficult it'll become.

Best of luck.

 

[SandraM]

My parents have always been distracted by my younger brother (we were both adopted - sorry to have to say this but it's true - I am so happy that I'm not related to him by blood *Note), who is a truly horrible person.
My relationship with my (adoptive) parents has been almost destroyed by his lies and general demands for attention. This progressed for years since before my kids (my parents' only two grandchildren) were born. Now my parents wonder why their grand kids have no relationship with them, and blame me!
Sometimes you just can't win, and you need to gather your dignity, your mind, and your close family, and then walk away.
*Note: Edit - just want to clarify that my apology is not for being adopted!

 

[Dan Murphy]

Immature behavior on their part.

 

[gshoemate]

Sounds like your parents and brother need to grow up a bit. It's your brother's fault that he's out of the band. If he did his share of the work (and I'm sure he took his share of the pay) then he would still be in the band. And besides, it wasn't your DH's sole decision to kick him out of the band so he should hold it against your DH or you. And your parents shouldn't be involved in it at all...it's not like they were kicked out of the band. I agree, is there someone that could mediate for you? I mean to think about all the troubles in the world and you never know what tomorrow may bring, having your son kicked out of a band seems so silly to hold a grudge against other family members.

 

[Pooh67_68]

It sound to me like your parents and brother need to grow up.

 

[CamColt]

I totally agree you are right on this. Things should have continued as normal and if your brother had a problem, he should skip out, if not, he should grow up and get over it. Your DH did nothing wrong to him, and he shouldnt hold a grudge with him or you. your parents really shouldnt hold a grudge with you or your family. Thats just ridiculous! Someday, hopefully soon, they will come to their senses and realize what they are missing out on.

 

[Sleepy]

I have learned from both sides of my family that in the end, nobody really matters but your children and your spouse.

 

[Buckleybunch]

You parents and your brother should keep the business seperate from the family. No different if you brother had been fired from a job..

 

[Otto's Doll]

 

[disykat]

It sounds like you and your parents supposedly get along fine, but they choose to spend holidays with him because he is "alone" - am I reading this right? IMO they are enabling his immature behavior. They should make the plans they want and he can choose to come or not.

I just reread your post - the idea that they spend the whole holiday with them seems really over the top since you live in the same town and could easily split the day. Sounds like they are taking his side on the whole thing and are being spiteful as well.

 

[TimeforMe]

I'm a little confused as well as to what stage exactly the relationship is at. Do you communicate with your parents or are they totally out of the picture? Have you tried to talk to them about this? If not, you definitely need to do that (even though it's not your fault) and let them know how much you miss spending the holidays with them. Keep us posted.

 

[ez]

they will stop over once every couple of weeks, or we call each other. I could take a major attitude over this and probably be justified, but I have decided its not worth it. Disycat, I think you are right, I have my husband and kids, and he is "alone" so that is how they justify being with him. They still baby and coddle him as though he were a young child. That is probably why he is 32 and never been in a real relationship, and I'm saddened to say, I wonder if he ever will be. Relationships have random, unpleasant things happen, and I don't think he could handle that in his perfect little world.
I love my brother. I feel sorry for him.
He runs a successful business, he is highly intelligent and has only ever worked for himself. The funny part is, my mom works for him, and my retired dad hangs out at his office all day. Then they will grab a bite to eat. So they are together every day already! My kids and I are the ones they don't see.. FYI, I am 10 years older then my brother. I have a sister out of state 3 years older than me.
Oh yeah, I'm pretty sure my mom still goes to his house and cleans it and does his laundry too.

 

[ToyStory Fan]

Your parents need to stop babying your brother and teach him some respect. If I helped my brother or even brother-in-law get a job I'd kick their butt if they pulled the stunts your brother pulled. That was completely disrespectful to you and your DH and the sooner your parents wake up and make your brother grow up and be a man the better off you'll all be. Until then you have to continue being the better person and just grin and bear it.