Can't find friends

[JasonBlue07]

Hi guys, ok I'm just gonna cut to the chase... I can never find friends, anyone have any suggestion?

About me:

Positive:
Joker(joke around a lot)
Competitive(very)
Talkative(not sure if its positive)
Like to have fun
Love drawing
Like outdoor activities

Negative:
Shy
Insultive
Sarcastic
Immature

 

[WDSearcher]

Stop being insulting, sarcastic and immature?

Seriously.

If you're very competitive, join a sports team of some sort. You'll have something in common with the team members and can burn off some of that competitiveness.

But you'll still need to work in the sarcasm and immaturity. That gets old fast.

 

[aaarcher86]

Do you mean online or In life?


You've described yourself, but what do you do outside of work or school? Finding friends isn't too difficult if you find a common interest and use it to get to know one another.

Maybe you're coming off too strong if you're actively and aggressively looking for an instant bond with someone because you want some friends. The negative traits listed are probably outweighing the good. Time for a change on those. I'm a big fan of sarcasm in the right time and place.

 

[DawnM]

How old are you? Are you in an environment where you can find/make friends like a school or religious group?

Honestly, I would put your extremely competitive as a negative. It can really turn people off if you always have to be #1 and always have to be right. It is ok to encourage and congratulate others for their accomplishments, even if it means you have lost.

My teen boys don't feel they need a lot of friends, just a small core group of guys and they are good. So, it may be just about finding one or two guys you can hang out with and enjoy the same things.

If you give us a little more info maybe we can help you out more.

 

[ilovepcot]

Hmmm...I'm finding 3 of the positives to be negative.

 

[JasonBlue07]

Well I'm in high school... Now I'm in some sort of summer camp and at this moment we are playing bowling.... I'm sitting in the corner while others are talking to each other

More about me:
I always turn anything into a competition
I am quiet at first but when someone start to talk to me I talk back and keep talking
I'm not really looking for like a billion of friends, I just need 2/3 and that's all, I'm a normal looking boy that is childish,love the color blue, action movies and pop/rock music

 

[bdcp]

Well I'm in high school... Now I'm in some sort of summer camp and at this moment we are playing bowling.... I'm sitting in the corner while others are talking to each other

More about me:
I always turn anything into a competition
I am quiet at first but when someone start to talk to me I talk back and keep talking
I'm not really looking for like a billion of friends, I just need 2/3 and that's all, I'm a normal looking boy that is childish,love the color blue, action movies and pop/rock music

You're an introvert. Introverts aren't looking to be the life of the party and it's hard to be around people who are. It can make it hard to find new people to talk to when extroverts are all around you.

 

[JasonBlue07]

You're an introvert. Introverts aren't looking to be the life of the party and it's hard to be around people who are. It can make it hard to find new people to talk to when extroverts are all around you.

But I don't want to be that
How do I change?

 

[Kimberlyann11]

Sometimes the joking around and the sarcasm mix to make an unpleasant combination. Make sure you are not inadvertently being hurtful. Some teens can be very sensitive and can't handle ribbing or teasing - even if it's done in a good-natured manner.

 

[Mkrop]

Well I'm in high school... Now I'm in some sort of summer camp and at this moment we are playing bowling.... I'm sitting in the corner while others are talking to each other

More about me:
I always turn anything into a competition
I am quiet at first but when someone start to talk to me I talk back and keep talking
I'm not really looking for like a billion of friends, I just need 2/3 and that's all, I'm a normal looking boy that is childish,love the color blue, action movies and pop/rock music

dont stand in a corner, go over and try to join the conversation.

work on the negatives.

Hold back the sarcasm and jokes until you get to know others a little better.

DONT be so competitive.

DS15 has had this friend P since kindergarten. P is extremely competitive to the point where it has become embarrassing and DS finds himself pulling away from P. For example, they all played on an intrumural basketball team, competitive, but more about having fun and seeing friends. The boys played to win but if they didnt they were always still joking on the bench. Except P, he would sit at the end of the bench, whisper under his breath, trash the players, and the coaches (who were volunteers and teammates' dads) blaming all of them if they did not win. This got old not only to DS15 but to others very quickly.

 

[bdcp]

But I don't want to be that
How do I change?

It's part of your personality. It's not as simple as wanting to be an extrovert. Introverts are drained mentally and physically by being around people and extroverts draw energy from people which is why they are they types to dance on the table, while introverts are the ones watching lol. I'm an introvert and in general, introverts and extroverts are usually not just that, they vary all across the spectrum. I test as pretty introverted, but in reality, I like being around people and can be more "extroverted" if I need to be, but I also can be ready to leave a party/event long before it's over because I'm drained. Just understanding your personality type can help you know how to interact with people. Google introvert, extrovert and see what you find. The Myers-Briggs test can give you a lot more insight also. I'm an INTJ which is probably the most rare type, but in each of those, the percentages vary. It's all pretty interesting.

And, as for other posters telling you not to be competitive, good luck. My personality type makes me that way too. People who aren't competitive think they're that way because they control it, not. People need to understand personality traits are inborn and just because they aren't competitive or can talk to people easily, don't understand that that's they way they were born. As people mature, they do change a bit, but completely changing your personality to make others happy will only make you miserable as it's not who YOU are.

 

[StitchesGr8Fan]

Introverts can have friends. It just means you need time to yourself to recharge. What you are describing is shyness, which you can overcome. You just have to put yourself out there, and accept that there are times you will fail (which is hard to accept if you are super competitive). You are going to talk to 20 people before you find one that you might connect with. Don't focus on the failures.

My biggest piece of advice is reign in the sarcasm, competitiveness, and immaturity when you first talk to people. Listen more than you talk for a while. You need to observe people and see what they respond to before you break out the witty sarcasm and immature jokes. A lot of people don't respond well to that.

And no one wants a friend that they are ALWAYS in competition with. It gets old. They arent going to like you more because you always win or always have something better. You need to accept that someone will always have more than you and someone will always have less than you, and someone will always be better than you at something and someone else will always be worse at something than you. Trying to live your life being the best at absolutely everything is going to get tiresome as you get older.

Good luck. You can do this.

 

[NHdisneylover]

It's tough! Hang in there.

As far as cutting to the chase--I have to agree with others that being competitive as you describe it (especially turning everything into a competition) is a BIG negative. I have two teens and both find that type of thing very annoying as well. NO one wants to hang out with someone who is always competing AGAINST them instead of having fun with them.

You need to work on knowing that your self worth does not come from "winning" things.

 

[Robinrs]

Are you a reader, Jason?

Read (or listen to the audible version of ) this book:

I read it YEARS ago and it literally changed my life. Later my entire office was required to take the Dale Carnegie course which helps in life and sales. Face it, life IS a sales job, right now you're trying to sell YOU.

Just learn the basics and it will change your life.

 

[mrsklamc]

There's a big difference between 'introvert' and 'rude.' I don't think OP has given us enough information to determine one way or the other.

 

[JasonBlue07]

It's torturous, I'm in the blink of giving up

 

[NHdisneylover]

Jason, what have you done to try to get in with the group bowling? I mean, what have you done NOW while everyone is bowling?

Have you said hello, listened a moment and then asked a question or made a comment to show that you are interested in whatever it is they are talking about? That is the best way to start off and get involved. Focus on them ,show interest, listen more than you talk, etc.

I notice in your posting history that, at least in your online life, you don;t tend to show interest n what others are "talking" (posting) about. In the first couple of pages of past posts, only ONE was on someone else's thread. Everything else was a thread you started.

Maybe you just need to work on joining the conversation already in progress and not on turning the conversation into what you wish to talk about.
That can be a difficult social skill for someone to master--and may be related to the competitiveness. on some level driving the topic could be a competition for you too.

If you have not tried that (showing interst in what the yare talking about and listening at least 75% of the time to only 25% or elss talking), why don't you put your phone away and try that now? Hopefully it will get you somewhere

 

[phorsenuf]

Are you the same poster that yelled meat through the crowded restaurant when out with friends one time?

 

[JasonBlue07]

Jason, what have you done to try to get in with the group bowling? I mean, what have you done NOW while everyone is bowling?

Have you said hello, listened a moment and then asked a question or made a comment to show that you are interested in whatever it is they are talking about? That is the best way to start off and get involved. Focus on them ,show interest, listen more than you talk, etc.

I notice in your posting history that, at least in your online life, you don;t tend to show interest n what others are "talking" (posting) about. In the first couple of pages of past posts, only ONE was on someone else's thread. Everything else was a thread you started.

Maybe you just need to work on joining the conversation already in progress and not on turning the conversation into what you wish to talk about.
That can be a difficult social skill for someone to master--and may be related to the competitiveness. on some level driving the topic could be a competition for you too.

If you have not tried that (showing interst in what the yare talking about and listening at least 75% of the time to only 25% or elss talking), why don't you put your phone away and try that now? Hopefully it will get you somewhere

Well I did try to talk and listen but they ignore me... It's like they didn't hear me or something. I went home early cuz I just give up

 

[Jill in Chicago]

Hang in there! Don't give up! You are on here asking for advice, and more importantly you are listening and processing that information.

Bottom line: people like to be around people that make them feel good. This can be laughing at their jokes, listening to them, or just enjoying what they enjoy. Making jokes is fine, as long as you are not cutting someone else down to make the joke. That may seem to work short term, but long term it will bite you in the butt.

First big tip, don't try to join up with a ready made group. Instead survey the room and look for other singles (boys and girls) standing alone. These people are your best bet for making conversation. Or look for 2 people who are talking to each other, but not in an animated conversation.

Then take a deep breath walk up and say hello, introduce yourself. If they already know you just say hi, mind if I join you over here?

Thoughts about sarcasm.... I find this a way to say something mean and then toss it off with, "I was just kidding." I think sarcasm can be very painful and/or confusing to receive. Going with straight forward is better for making friends.

Competition. Yep you either are or are not, but you can change how you handle the urge to compete. Listen to yourself talking. Do you sound like a game show of, "Can you top this?" Do you have to have the latest, the best, the newest, and then can't stop telling people about what you have?That's not competition. That's pushy and braggy.

Competition can be exhausting. Figure out a way to join something where you can exercise your competitive side outside the arena of making friends. Have you thought about martial arts? For the most part you are competing to improve yourself. Then there is the sparring, which you might enjoy.

Hard work and sweat, for some odd reason, are great ingredients for making friends. Can you volunteer for Habitat for Humanity, a local festival in your town roasting corn, help build a set for a local production.... Something that gets you up and moving.

I have found that those who struggle making friends are often people with complex, quirky personalities. They have trouble "melding" with those around them. This is not negative; it just is who you are. Continue to watch yourself interact with others, and try to identify if there is something you could address about yourself that may be off putting. Excessive talking about yourself puts people off. Talking about a topic that fascinates you, but maybe not those around you, is also a conversation killer.


I am so impressed that you are working on this and trying to solve an issue that is bothering you.