Can you "get over" being cheated on? #191 - I'm done.

[DisneyMomOK]

Dear Poster,

You are so very brave to have asked for help. You have faced one of the most cruel cards that life has to deal. IMHO, I think you are very wise not to have discussed this with family and friends (except your friends at the DIS), yet. Once you share your relationship with others, if you decide you want to work this out between the two of you, that knowledge of your most intimate personal problem will also affect the way those family members treat both of you. From your other posts, I know you are facing a tremendous amount of stress because of your adoption and, prior to that, I am assuming, trying to get pregnant (I went thru infertility treatment for years before I had my DD). A relationship between two adults is an overwhelming task when there are problems as all-consuming as trust and honesty issues. Because you are adults, however, you can IF YOU CHOOSE repair your relationship. It will never be the same, but that does not mean it will be worse, but it will be different. But know that you both have to be on the same page before you can move through this, if you so desire. I would suggest a therapist to help you. Sometimes, just talking with someone who is not going to make value judgments for you, but guide you to make your own, is the proper step to take.

My heartfelt concern and regards are with you tonight.

Sharon

 

[J.Cooper]

I am sooooo sorry you are going through this horrible situation. Marriage counseling may be a good idea for you both. I will keep you in my prayers

 

[KarenAylwood]

I'm at a loss for words...

 

[nwdisgal]

OP. Major to you. I admire your courage and strength in acquiring counseling and reading materials to help you through this. I wish all the best for you and your family

 

[mrsv98]

Basically, without reliving everything here it is in a nutshell. Supposedly it started approx 6 months ago. I spoke to one of the women last night he has been seeing off and on since August. She said it was mostly sexual, the last time was the 20th at a hotel here. Before that was her house, etc. She also told me he told her he was single and looking for a relationship. The person that introduced the two of them had also slept with him prior. They met off of a membership-based (I really hate to say this) online swingers site.

On top of those two women I know of two others that supposedly he had some interaction with, but I do not know the extent. Besides the site mentioned above he also had a paid membership to a single parents meet site, but I do not know if he actually met anyone from it.

Based on this, if it were me, the relationship would be over. This wasn't a one off occurrence, this was a deliberate plan to cheat. He cheated often and over an extended period of time. He knew that you are in the adoption process and that this might jeopardize those plans, but he chose sex over your darling daughter to be.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but pulling a band-aid off fast is easier in the long run. Take to a lawyer, look into getting the adoption modified to be just you and move forward. You are a strong smart woman and you have more self-respect than this.

to you for your sad times but you will come thru this.

 

[luvindisneyworld]

Based on what I just read.I would kick him to the curb so fast it would make his head spin.If he has done all that then I think there is no hope for him.He has cheated with that many women and joined all those sites,he will never change.
I would definetly be checked for STDs.
This makes me so mad and so sick feeling for you.
Please know that your life will be so much better without him.
I have always said once a cheater ALWAYS a cheater.I was cheated on for years by an Ex,and if I had it to do over again there would have been no second,third chance for him.I would have ended it the first time.

I just dont know what else to say but Kick his Butt to the curb .

to you.This is going to be a very difficult road ahead of you,but I promise it will get better,and better things are just around the corner.

Misty

 

[kilee]

I am so sorry. . I am hoping against all hopes this isn't going to affect your adoption because that is going to make it that much harder.

I don't think there is any 1 right thing that will fit in a mold for everyone. I think each person and each relationship is different. I can only wish you the best and hope your hurt heals quickly.

 

[MoniqueU]

Well just hearing how you have talked about getting your daughter, I would make that my number one priority. IF you lose getting her that will just make you feel that much more bereft. I would make hubby stick it out with me even if I ultimately had no intention of sticking with him just to get my daughter if you know what I mean. Hey he scewed you over he at least owes you your daughter out of this. I may be being too blunt. I just recall some of your posts and to me it is so clear how much you love her I don't want to see you lose her too.

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

I am soooo sorry you have to deal with all of this

 

[happybratpack]

Thank you again. Everything with the adoption will be fine as I started the process as a single applicant (since I was at the time) and his involvement was an addendum. It's just a matter of paperwork. There is NO way I will jeapordize that.

I just can't ask my daughter to trust someone I don't trust and I refuse to put her in that position. Uuuuuugh. What a mess this is.

The thing about this whole situation that really really hurts is that we were best friends, way before anything else. I've never been as close to a person as I am to him. He has two precious children that I've fallen in love with over the last 3+ years and that's a huge factor here too.

Anyway, I don't want to come across as a drama queen here, it's just a "safe" place to ramble on. Thanks again to everyone for the kind words and advice. I am going to visit the therapist on Wednesday and go from there. My head tells me to run, my gut is indecisive and my heart just hurts.

 

[Planogirl]

Ramble away!!!

What a mess for you. I would take my time and allow all of this to sink in. I've had my share of problems of this nature in the past (luckily not with current DH!) and I had a tendency to react quickly out of emotion and not always to my advantage. This is hard, VERY hard and I feel very sad for you.

 

[Tuffcookie]

Your husband (I won't refer to him as your DH here! ) sounds like someone who is addicted to sex. If that's the case, he will not stop without professional help. Please, for your health's sake, DO NOT have sex with him from here on out.
If he is serious about trying to save your marriage he will agree to go to counselling.
At any rate, that will buy you time in the adoption process. I agree with the other posters who say he owes it to you to make sure this adoption doesn't get screwed up just because he screwed up!!!
Hugs to you. Please know the problem is Him NOT you!

TC

 

[Sandy22]

Based on what he did, I would never be able to forgive him. He put your health at risk and he put your adoption (even if you were applying as a single parent). What if someone saw him at a swingers club and word got back to the agency about it?

I would be so furious at him for jeopardizing this that there would be no doubt that it would be OVER and I wouldn't talk to him ever again.

He wasn't even using protection? How dare he expose you to life-threatening diseases! Unforgivable!

 

[MScott1851]

I think that are so many variables involved in this type of thing that there's no way for me to tell unless it happened to me.

I will say that if I found out my husband was having an ifidelity that was as blatantly pre-meditated, orchestrated, and financed with OUR money as yours is, I would NOT be so forgiving. I'm really big on how my actions affect other peoples' view of my spouse, and vice-versa.

I understand getting 'bored' in a marriage. Not a day goes by that I or DH either one doesn't get flirted with by someone else. I also understand that I'm nowhere near as cute on a Tuesday evening as I used to be on a Saturday night...but then again, neither is he. I might be naive, but I hope that infidelity will never be an issue in my marriage. I used to be the "wild one" and DH was a solid steady one. He sat and watched me run around like a Jezebel for 7 years and STILL wanted to marry me after that. It sounds trite, but not only do I love and respect him and would never dream of hurting him in any way, but I would never cheat and give all the nay-sayers a chance to tell him "I told you so." I would never make him look like a fool, and respecting someone is almost as important as loving them, as far as I'm concerned. I want him to look at me every day and know that he made the right choice. And it pisses me off how flippantly other people take not only my, but other people's marriage.

SO hugs to the OP. I hope everything works out so that YOU are taken care of and happy.





Hugs to the OP...I can't imagine.

 

[Mariposa]

I think that are so many variables involved in this type of thing that there's no way for me to tell unless it happened to me.

I will say that if I found out my husband was having an ifidelity that was as blatantly pre-meditated, orchestrated, and financed with OUR money as yours is, I would NOT be so forgiving. I'm really big on how my actions affect other peoples' view of my spouse, and vice-versa.

I understand getting 'bored' in a marriage. Not a day goes by that I or DH either one doesn't get flirted with by someone else. I also understand that I'm nowhere near as cute on a Tuesday evening as I used to be on a Saturday night...but then again, neither is he. I might be naive, but I hope that infidelity will never be an issue in my marriage. I used to be the "wild one" and DH was a solid steady one. He sat and watched me run around like a Jezebel for 7 years and STILL wanted to marry me after that. It sounds trite, but not only do I love and respect him and would never dream of hurting him in any way, but I would never cheat and give all the nay-sayers a chance to tell him "I told you so." I would never make him look like a fool, and respecting someone is almost as important as loving them, as far as I'm concerned. I want him to look at me every day and know that he made the right choice. And it pisses me off how flippantly other people take not only my, but other people's marriage.

SO hugs to the OP. I hope everything works out so that YOU are taken care of and happy.





Hugs to the OP...I can't imagine.

100% exactly my thoughts on the matter, and put much better than I would have managed.

Hugs to you, OP.

 

[BuzznBelle'smom]

I have to agree witht he people who say that he's not likely to change. His actions (multiple partners, signing up for websites...) indicate that he has emotionally "checked out" of the marriage.

Definitely counseling and make sure Lily will still be with you. Beyond that, make sure you take at least a little time to gather your inner strength and marshall your resources--financially and emotionally. Take a few deep breaths. Cry as much as you need to. Vent here. You face a tough road no matter what--it's not fair, but there it is. I wish you the best.

 

[Christine]

Thank you again. Everything with the adoption will be fine as I started the process as a single applicant (since I was at the time) and his involvement was an addendum. It's just a matter of paperwork. There is NO way I will jeapordize that.

I just can't ask my daughter to trust someone I don't trust and I refuse to put her in that position. Uuuuuugh. What a mess this is.

The thing about this whole situation that really really hurts is that we were best friends, way before anything else. I've never been as close to a person as I am to him. He has two precious children that I've fallen in love with over the last 3+ years and that's a huge factor here too.

Anyway, I don't want to come across as a drama queen here, it's just a "safe" place to ramble on. Thanks again to everyone for the kind words and advice. I am going to visit the therapist on Wednesday and go from there. My head tells me to run, my gut is indecisive and my heart just hurts.

Just wanted to say that I'm glad that your husband came clean with you and that your adoption is not jeopardized. My very objective opinion on your husband is that he probably does have some type of sexual addiction from what you have described. There are slimeball cheaters and then there is what you have described in your husband and, honestly, this sounds more like a mental issue. I'm not going to call him any names because I truly believe that *some* people have issues, and this sounds like one of those times. I'm not, in any way, recommending that you stay in the marriage because I do think your DH needs a LOT of work. That will be great if he is willing to go do it. If he is/was your best friend, I guess I see no reason that you cannot main civility and hopefully he will continue to be honest with you.

I really admire your strength here and I think you're doing all the right things!!

 

[disneylizzy]

Oh you poor thing!
I am so sorry. You do not deserve this treatment. I think he is being incredibly selfish, self-centered and immature and those are the nicest words I'm thinking. Get your daughter and get out. I know that sounds harsh, but honestly, his actions are beyond the pale. I feel he has emotional/psychological/committment issues that are probably deep rooted and why spend the rest of your life wondering if he is doing it again.

You deserve so much more!!! Don't you and your daughter deserve a man that cherishes you both, cares for you and is committed to your family? That man is out there for you.

Again, I am so sorry - I posted earlier that I was in a similar situation. You can make it thru this and come out to a happier place on the other side.
We all are pulling for you and I think this board is a perfect place to vent.

 

[kristen821]

I am so sorry this is happening to you. I couldn't imagine. If it happened to me I would like to say I would leave in a heart beat, but you don't know until you are in the situation. I hope you are able to make the decision before you get your precious dd. There are plenty of single mothers that are able to do a wonderful job with thier kids. From reading your other post you definately have enough love for this little girl that you will be a wonderful mother with or without your husband.
I also think it is wise not to tell friends and family until you know what you want to do. The dis boards are great to talk about how you are feeling.

 

[Tiffann4k]

Based on this, if it were me, the relationship would be over. This wasn't a one off occurrence, this was a deliberate plan to cheat. He cheated often and over an extended period of time. He knew that you are in the adoption process and that this might jeopardize those plans, but he chose sex over your darling daughter to be

I agree with the above

Once is a mistake, but several times with several different women, that in my book could not be forgiven or forgotten, I am not that big of a person. If it was me I would be changing the locks right now while he was away.

I am sorry your going through this.