Can I vent on this board? Really upset :-(

[anewvance]

I don't know if this board is for venting about every day life, but I really had no where else to turn and you all seem like easy going sympathetic people. It's all a long & complicated story and will try to make it as easy as possible.

My grandparents raised my twin sister and I from the age of 2. My mom has always been in my life but she had us at 17 and couldn't handle it. My whole family (including me MOST of the time) kisses the feet my grandma walks on because she has always been there for us, emotionally, financially, physically. But as of late she is really starting to hurt my feelings. It's making me think bad thoughts and I don't like it. I am at the point that I don't want to visit anymore or ask favors anymore or even answer the phone when I see her name on the caller id.

I think she basically thinks we are bad parents. She is a neat freak, my house is always cluttered, not dirty, just cluttered and she thinks that is not the way to raise my kids. The other day she called and said she heard from a source that my girls were late for school yesterday and seen running across the blacktop in disarray, without their clothes on?!? And their hair a mess and just looked horrible. I know who the source was and she had no right to feel she needed to "report" this to my grandmother. But then again for my grandmother to come wailing at me because I "allowed" this to happen? I put out my girls uniforms and make their lunch for them every night and I work until pretty late on the computer. In turn, my husband gets them up in the morning and he brushes their hair and they dress themselves... always looking very presentable. And he takes them to school on the way to work. Yesterday they were getting ready to leave and were in his car and it wouldn't start. He ended up having to have it towed. But he had to take my van to school and they were TWO minutes late. My husband said the girls most certainly had their CLOTHES on and he had brushed both of their hair and they looked just fine. They both looked just fine when I picked them up too. My grandma didn't even ask anything when she called, she just accused and made me feel so berated...

So just now she calls me and tells me the girls told her they only bathe once a week and that's disgusting and I should be ashamed of myself. Uhh, last I remember my girls take a bath every other day... we are even on a schedule. So then she tells me well that is still disgusting, little girls should bathe every single day. I told her that's funny, my doctor said with their fair sensitive skin, they shouldn't bathe every day... but I guess she knows better.

Something in the conversation came up that she just tells me as she hears them and I said something like that seems to be alot lately and it seems every time she is wrong or didn't get the whole story. It ended up with me stating I guess I'm a horrible parent and what shocked me is when SHE AGREED!!! I am so upset about this... that my own grandmother thinks I'm a bad parent.

She is in the age where she waits on her husband and children hand and foot (aka bend to their every whim & spend every waking moment preparing, fixing, doing things with them), her house is immaculate, her children are spotless and well fed (she thinks I feed my kids horribly as well). We both "work" although I do mine from home so we share many duties. I "do" for my kids as any normal parent would. My house is clean, not spotless... cluttered! And I think they eat just fine, they are perfect proportion and weights and are totally healthy.

Oh did I mention she hates & is allergic to cats, therefore every person in the world (and her family) should hate and are allergic to cats? My husband grew up around dogs and cats all his life. He really wanted one for his kids and I finally gave last Christmas and bought them a kitty. Every conversation I have with my grandmother has to do with the horrible cat & that I need to get rid of him immediately and i'm a horrible parent if I expose my kids to it.

Oh wait, I know this was supposed to a shortened email but i'm not quite done. She definately does NOT get Disney. Every time we take a trip (two 5 day trips and 2 or so overnighters a year) she complains and says we are silly and stupid for wasting our money on such nonsense. Not that this matters, we will always do it anyway... but who is she to decide how we vacation and where we vacation?

I know this whole email is stupid and silly but I just don't know what to do at this point. I can't cut her out of my life, after all she's done for us... and I do love her. But I am having thoughts of my mom at 19 with 2 year old twins and my grandma "taking over"... it seems to me she is trying to do it again. She can't be in the background, has to be in charge??? It's driving me nuts!

 

[Maleficent13]

Oh, you poor thing. Families are hard sometimes. I don't have any advice except do what you know is right for your children and ignore the judgements. It's hard, I know, but you have the right to be in charge of your own life and children.

 

[Christine]

Sorry to hear this. It must be very frustrating. I would just watch her. Don't want to scare you, but she does sound like a control freak and crazy and trying to set you up to look bad.

You say you can't cut her out, but I think you need to.

 

[HayGan]

I know it can be hard in dealing with family especially when it comes to the way you raise your kids. I totally agree with what Mal said. You have to do what you feel is best for you and your kids!

I would try talking to her (if you feel that she will listen or that it will help you) and tell her that while you appreciate her concern they are your kids and you are going to continue to raise them the way the you feel is best. It may be hard for her to hear but I really think that she needs to hear it!!!

 

[Lars624]

 

[Poohgirl]

I don't really have any advice, just

 

[experiment626mom]

You may have to consider taking a break from her for a while. I don't get why you feel like you still owe her for raising you?? People raise children everyday and don't expect to be owed anything.

Good Luck to you, you certainly can come and vent at any time.

 

[pfishgirl]

I know it can be hard in dealing with family especially when it comes to the way you raise your kids. I totally agree with what Mal said. You have to do what you feel is best for you and your kids!

I would try talking to her (if you feel that she will listen or that it will help you) and tell her that while you appreciate her concern they are your kids and you are going to continue to raise them the way the you feel is best. It may be hard for her to hear but I really think that she needs to hear it!!!

I agree..... you are doing a fine job...
besides a cluttered house is a HOME

 

[Tigger&Belle]

If you wanted to cut off contact with her I'd give you a different suggestion, but since you do want to keep her in your life, I'll give you this suggestion.

Maybe you should tell your grandma that you love her very much and you know that she wants what is best for you. When she hands out a criticism directed towards you tell her that you'll think about that or you'll consider that and then thank her for her opinion, and then let it go in one ear and out the other! Just keep thanking her for her opinion.

I would be very hurt if I were you, so I can't blame you for that.

You're right about bathing as far as children are concerned. With young children (before they get to the stinking, sweaty preteen/teen stage) daily baths are not needed and might actually dry out the skin too much. For my kids I would base it on how dirty they were. In the winter when they played inside a lot, 2-3 baths a week would be plenty. When they would play outside and get dirty they would have baths more often. And in my book, swimming in the summer counted for a bath.

Your house sounds perfect! If you were talking unsanitary that would be one thing, but lived in and somewhat cluttered is something totally different. You are a mom first, not a housekeeper.

Since she is allergic to cats it seems that it's not a very good idea for her to come over to your house. That's too bad... She'd have a hard time in my house since we have 2 dogs, 2 cats, and 2 kittens. I try to keep things picked up, but clutter happens when I turn my back!

Has your grandmother always been this way or do you think there might be something going on with her mentally? Regardless, you are in the right, so hang in there! Your kids are very lucky to have you.

 

[pennst8r]

I think your last sentance might be right on the money. Maybe she does want more control...more to do? Stop looking for her approval--it doesn't sound like you'll ever get it, and you shouldn't need it --you sound like a great mom!

 

[NMAmy]

I had a similar experience with my mom last year after my dad died. My dad had always been a buffer between us and with him gone...well, she was pretty hideous for awhile. I'm the only daughter that lives near her so DH and I help her a lot but she was treating DD and I like crap. It got so I just dreaded her coming over because she'd be so rude to me. It was when dd asked why Grandma hated her now that I knew I had to talk to her.

I just sat her down and told her that I loved her but the way she was treating dd and I was unacceptable and if she couldn't stop her behavior, she wouldn't be welcome in my home. She was annoyed and defensive at first but after thinking about it, had a huge turnaround.

She's lovely now and rarely says a nasty thing to me. Her behavior with dd has turned around completely. They got along great when dd was young but for some reason, my mom just detests teenage girls. When she quit being hypercritical and gave dd a chance, they got along great and even spent quite a bit of time doing things on their own together. My mom was truly surprised at how much fun she could have with dd.

If you're not comfortable talking directly with your grandmother (it was SO difficult for me, I know), perhaps you can talk with your sister. Ask her to have a chat with your grandmother, asking her to back off a bit. Sometimes it can be less threatening coming from someone else in the family.

It's hard, I know. I hope it gets better for you.

 

[mickeyboat]

for you. I can't imagine hearing such things from someone who is supposed to love you.

First of all, she is completely out of line. She has no business condemning you because you are raising your family differently than she raised hers.

Second, don't let her make you feel like an inferior parent or a bad person. It sounds like you really let her get you down.

Third, I agree with Christine, I think you need to do something to cut her out of your life. If you can't do it completely, then limit the amount of contact you have with her.

If you continue to have contact with her, you have two choices: The next time she starts to give you crap, tell her that your parenting decisions and styles are not up for discussion. Refuse to address her comments. It sounds like this might not be a good option for you because of your family history and dynamics. The other option is to listen to what she says, then tell her sweetly that you will take it into consideration, followed by completely ignoring what she says. Have broad shoulders and remember that no matter what she says, you are a good parent.

Denae

 

[4greatboys]

I would tell her that how you run your household is none of her business. She does sound very controlling and you not under any obligation to answer to her. I would also say that you do love her very much and appreciate her raising you but that does not give her free reign over your household.

 

[eeyore kelly]

When someone starts questioning my parenting skills, I say absurd things.

"I love the cat more than my kids"

"Yes my kids run naked in the street"

"They had chocolate for supper"

"No, we let them bathe once a month"

"We are taking them to the Playboy mansion next"

"I am trying to win the dirtiest house award"

 

[Keggy]

I can't cut her out of my life, after all she's done for us...

Unfortunately, you can cut her out - I have done it and am a much happier person now. However, I did confront my mother first and I gave her the opportunity to make ammends - which she said she would. When things didn't improve - I cut the ties. I still talk to her once in a while, but I really had to change my views of how I wanted a mother to be - because my mother wasn't living up to my expectations. And as I said - much happier now.

Thanks,
Kelly

 

[Chicago526]

But I am having thoughts of my mom at 19 with 2 year old twins and my grandma "taking over"... it seems to me she is trying to do it again. She can't be in the background, has to be in charge??? It's driving me nuts!

I think you hit the nail on the head! She very well could be one of those people who beleive "if you want it done right, do it yourself" and just cannot beleive that anyone that does something differant from the way SHE would do it, then it must be wrong!

I'm going to go all Dr. Phil on you and parot back some stuff I've heard him say:

"You can't control other peoples behavior, only your own"

"People can only hurt you if you allow them to"

In otherwords, you can't do much about what Grandma says to you (other than to try and tell her how you feel, which may or may not go over well) so you can only change how you react to what she says to you. Personally, I'd just go like this and say "Thanks for your input, I'll consider that" or something along those lines and then just change the subject. It might be hard at first not to let her comments hurt you, but after awhile it should just roll right off your back!

Otherwise, the next time something like this happens, is that you tell her calmly yet firmly that while you love her to death and appreciate all that's she's done for you, that you do not want nor need her input in raising your kids or running your household, and that she should kindly keep her thoughts to herself.

 

[goofyforlife]

to you....

Family can be rough sometimes....but we don't get to pick them...

But one thing to think about is that for as clean as her house is, etc.... is that she's not perfect.....She still had a 15-16 yo daughter who went out and got pregnant...(didn't mean to knock on your mom) but she needs to remember no one's perfect...

Her generation was totally different from ours....As parents, we do the best we can...We get our kids to school...We clean up what we can...but I'm not going to beat myself up over the messes I don't get to after I work outside the home 40 hrs a week. There have been many days my own DD has called me at work because she has no lunch money....It's not because I'm not feeding her (bad DM)...It's because school doesn't remind them when it's low... They usually spot us the money but it's embarrassing none-the-less.

She should be praising where you and your DH are doing right with your girls...not putting you down considering all you have been through during your life.

 

[4nana]

How sad. I am sorry to hear you're going through this with the person you always admired and raised you. Do you think Gma's mind could be failing?

I would recommend having a talk with Gma and tell her exactally how you feel and how much she is hurting you and your family. If she sincerely loves and cares for you, she will respect you and change her ways. If she doesn't, hard as it may be, I would simply curb my contact with her.

Unfortunately, sometimes there are people in this world who have a way of sucking the life right out of us with their negativism, if we let them, and there comes a point, for our own well being and sanity we have to back off.

I hope things work out. Keep your chin up and continue taking care of your family to the best of your aboility. I'm sure they all love and appreciate you very much.

PS - luv the pic of your children!!

 

[grlpwrd]

Hey, I know you! Yup, a blast from your past. lol

Over the years I have had the impression of you to be sane, smart, and a good parent. What more could you ask for ...

BTW your kids are so big and beautiful! I remember when they were so much younger. *sigh*

 

[MELSMICE]

But I am having thoughts of my mom at 19 with 2 year old twins and my grandma "taking over"... it seems to me she is trying to do it again. She can't be in the background, has to be in charge??? It's driving me nuts!

I think the issue is right in this statement you made.

I also think that what you need to do is take a few steps back from gramma. If possible, don't visit her as often & don't let your kids go there as often. Also, when she calls, just ignore what she has to say. It will be hard, but just ignore it. You know it's not true, so try not to let what she says bother you.

You need to have a stronger will than your grandmother right now in order to take control of your self-esteem. Good luck.