Can I just vent for a minute?! So upset right now!

[remyandhollandsmommy]

So, my ex has the girls for the holiday..they are due to come home tomorrow. I don't mind that, I mean it sucks for me since I of course miss them, but the man hasn't utilized a visitation since July (he sent them home early then) and has only agreed to see them a total of 12 days this entire year. Sad, but its his loss is my motto. Thankfully the girls have DF who adores them and treats them like his own so they aren't lacking in a positive male role model.

Now, the thing that really makes me furious is that today is Holly's 6th birthday and my ex won't let me talk to her for five freakin minutes to say Happy Birthday!! His reason...he says he just doesn't "feel" like it?! *** you psycho?! I always let him talk to the girls when he calls...all two times a month...and even tried to get him to let the girls call him..he said not to since he may be busy and will call THEM when he is able to...he must be busy a lot except those two times a month apparently. I mean how would he feel if he tried calling on Christmas or one of their birthdays and I just said, "no, I don't want to let you talk to them." I guess the difference is that I wouldn't do that since I am not a giant jerk!!! I know hate is a strong word, but I REALLY DESPISE THAT MAN!! I am so tired of immature, BS games..grow up dude!!

Okay, sorry for the vent, I am just really upset right now. I mean I didn't call them on Thanksgiving since I figured they were spending time with him, but this is my daughters birthday! We already talked to Hol when we dropped them off before the holiday and explained that we would celebrate her birthday the following weekend, and she's okay with that but she did ask that I call her ON her birthday..she was afraid I would forget (as if!). I am just really upset now that he is playing games!

 

[minkydog]

What an idiot jerk. It won't be long before the girls are on to him and won't want to go over there. If Holly asks why you didn't call, I'd be honest but unemotional. Tell her the truth--Daddy wouldn't let you talk to her. Then drop it. Don't let yourself go any further. That's all she needs to know.

What would happen if you got the girls a cell phone that they could take with them when they go on visitation. Would he take it away, you think?

 

[lewdyan1]

Not much to say, but I wanted to send a .

ETA - great suggestion on the cell phones!

 

[clovergirl5]

Good idea pp about a cell phone. First, settle down..your preggers. He is a jerk! If you weren't expecting, I would tell you to go over there and give your dd a big b-day hug and kiss and then leave, but that wouldn't be a good idea either, those kind of things never end good
Maybe make her a homemade card for when she comes home. To let her know you were thinking of her. Maybe having a homemade cake or her fav cookies waiting for her. Something to get your mind off him and do something loving from mom for her. Probably not a whole lot you can do this time, but I think the cell phone is a great idea for them to have if something like this happens again. Im sorry he's a poopyhead

 

[remyandhollandsmommy]

What an idiot jerk. It won't be long before the girls are on to him and won't want to go over there. If Holly asks why you didn't call, I'd be honest but unemotional. Tell her the truth--Daddy wouldn't let you talk to her. Then drop it. Don't let yourself go any further. That's all she needs to know.

What would happen if you got the girls a cell phone that they could take with them when they go on visitation. Would he take it away, you think?

The girls are already at that point, Hol was hysterical that she had to go. You figure I left him when she was still three and he hasn't made much of an effort to see her since so in her eyes he is a stranger to her...not only that but as DF and Remy will tell you, Holly is MY CHILD (when her teacher asked what she would be thankful for this holiday she said my mom lol). Anyway to calm her down, I tried to tell her they would have fun, but she knows from past experiences that any "promises to take you here or there" are not going to be followed through on. Remy totally knows the score with him and is just counting down to the day she doesn't have to go back up there. The only reason he asked to see them (last minute 2 weeks ago BTW) was to show off his new baby that his GF had in Sept. The girls hadn't expected to go up there and were upset that I "made them" as Remy put it. Sometimes I feel like a bad mom for forcing them to go, but what else am I supposed to do? As for Hol, I will simply tell her that I DID try calling (8 times today before he FINALLY answered) and that her dad didn't let me talk to her..nothing else said after that. I try really hard to shelter them from his childish BS, but darn is it hard when I want to say, your dad is a jerk who hopefully one day will grow up and realize that he has two great daughters that he sadly treats poorly! All I can say is by that time hopefully for HIM the girls give a darn and let him try to make it up to them!! Oh and he lives six hours one way so I can't swing by..trust me I prolly would!

ETA I dont let them take a cell cause he WOULD take it from them and not return it..he has had Holly's only jacket for two years...I offered to prepay an envelope to send it to us...I just bought her a new one and am praying he sends it back.

 

[torinsmom]

Wow, what a JERK! You are right to take the high road though, and NOT treat him the same way. Anyway, if you did, he would probably just be even worse for spite. BTDT with my ex. DS is 15 and hates to go when it's his weekend. I told him he needs to tell dad he doesn't want to go, but he hasn't gotten up the guts yet.

You DDs will figure it out for themselves and it sounds like they already have. Just be glad he doesn't get them that much. Give your DD a big hug and kiss when she gets home and tell her you did try to call her. She will understand!

MArsha

 

[pearlieq]

That sucks. I'm sorry you have to go through this. Thank goodness that it's only a matter of time before they're 18 and this never has to be an issue again.

I hope you guys have a great birthday celebration next weekend!

 

[OceanAnnie]

I can't believe he is still the biggest jerk! I wonder if there is anything you can do if the kids don't want to go. It's such a delicate thing. If you push back at all, he might try to get back at you and that could get ugly. You would think by now, after all this time he would drop his ways.

I'm sorry you didn't get to wish Holly happy birthday. That was just so uncalled for.

 

[NMAmy]

That sucks. I'm sorry you have to go through this. Thank goodness that it's only a matter of time before they're 18 and this never has to be an issue again.

Ugh. Then you just have different issues. But I won't highjack and go into my ex vent right now. It does seem to be the weekend when they're acting up, doesn't it?

This is one reason I got dd a cell phone. I got tired of hearing that she had wanted to call me and he had told her no. What does your custody agreement say? I know mine said something along the lines of "no parent can deny phone calls between the child and the other parent." My lawyer called the ex on that one.

 

[Tasha+Scott]

It will eventually come back to bite him in the butt. Just ask MY dad.

 

[minkydog]

You know, this man is going to reap what he sows. My father was not a nice guy and he left my mother high & dry with 5 teens,a broken down car, and no savings. He never once paid child support. He dropped out of our lives almost entirely(my brother was the only one who had anything to do with him.)

Fast forward--he's 71 and dying from mesothelioma, a particularly nasty form of lung cancer caused by asbestos. NONE of his children cared. He lived with my brother and Dbro gave him the basics--food & shelter. And a potty chair. Otherwise,nothing. I went up to see him about a month before he died. He was in such bad shape I decided to stay. Not out of love, there was none. But I decided I wouldn't let a neighbor or even a dog lie there in pain, gasping for air. At the end of his life he apologized and asked forgiveness, which I gave. But a death bed plea doesn't make up for 50 years of mistreatment. Two of my sisters and my brother didn't bother to even see him at the end. Didn't care. and one didn't even come to the funeral. He made his bed and he had to lie in it. He paid dearly for his sins against his children.

 

[JoiseyMom]

Can't you adjust whatever type of agreement you have with the moron, to say that when child is with other parent that parent is allowed to call at least ONCE per day, and that if parent doesn't allow the phone call, then he is in contempt?? Also can you put in that the clothing that comes iwth the child needs to be sent home, or the other parent needs to send it back or pay for the replacement .

ALso since he never wants to see them, can't you just say no?? They don't watn to go, why force them? I know I will get flamed for this..but I don't care!!

I was lucky that my dead beat just disappeared..I raised my boys as a single mom. He does owe me a fortune in back child support..but it was easier in the long run.

Good luck and I am sorry you are going through this.

 

[chell]

Sorry he is being such a jerk. Hopefully she will understand when you explain to her tomorrow. Making her a cake or some cookies is a great idea. It will warm up the house some too.

 

[remyandhollandsmommy]

Can't you adjust whatever type of agreement you have with the moron, to say that when child is with other parent that parent is allowed to call at least ONCE per day, and that if parent doesn't allow the phone call, then he is in contempt?? Also can you put in that the clothing that comes iwth the child needs to be sent home, or the other parent needs to send it back or pay for the replacement .

ALso since he never wants to see them, can't you just say no?? They don't watn to go, why force them? I know I will get flamed for this..but I don't care!!

I was lucky that my dead beat just disappeared..I raised my boys as a single mom. He does owe me a fortune in back child support..but it was easier in the long run.

Good luck and I am sorry you are going through this.

The court order reads that each parent is entitled to call at any time and yes, the clothes are SUPPOSED to be returned (it is specific due to the coat incident), but he doesn't follow these rules very well to say the least. Plus its expensive to take him to court all the time.

While he does pay child support now (it had to be taken from his pay cause he WASNT paying for a year) minus the 5G he has in back support due, he does NOT pay anything beyond that..so I pay for all clothes, shoes, activities, etc plus I pay "myself" my half of the ordered support and extra which is what pays for these things. The clothes I just sent are all relatively new school clothes and most of their winter stuff (they are getting the bulk of their winter clothes for Cmas from me). I made an itemized list so that he has no excuse that he "forgot" something...and I gave a copy to Remy to double check he packs it all...hate doing that but we NEED those clothes here.

Trust me I WISH I could say no they dont have to go, they would love that, but he does have visitation rights that he may or may not use (his choice). Mostly thank goodness he doesn't use them which is easier on the girls...and I admit me too. I have to take them half way (three hours one way) to meet him for his visitation which is expensive..especially right now. It is also hard since I am so big right now and uncomfortable for long trips in the car. I am actually getting them tommorrow by myself since DF just got told he HAS to work or hes fired grrr. Should be fun haha.

 

[quentina]

The girls are already at that point, Hol was hysterical that she had to go. You figure I left him when she was still three and he hasn't made much of an effort to see her since so in her eyes he is a stranger to her...not only that but as DF and Remy will tell you, Holly is MY CHILD (when her teacher asked what she would be thankful for this holiday she said my mom lol). Anyway to calm her down, I tried to tell her they would have fun, but she knows from past experiences that any "promises to take you here or there" are not going to be followed through on. Remy totally knows the score with him and is just counting down to the day she doesn't have to go back up there. The only reason he asked to see them (last minute 2 weeks ago BTW) was to show off his new baby that his GF had in Sept. The girls hadn't expected to go up there and were upset that I "made them" as Remy put it. Sometimes I feel like a bad mom for forcing them to go, but what else am I supposed to do? As for Hol, I will simply tell her that I DID try calling (8 times today before he FINALLY answered) and that her dad didn't let me talk to her..nothing else said after that. I try really hard to shelter them from his childish BS, but darn is it hard when I want to say, your dad is a jerk who hopefully one day will grow up and realize that he has two great daughters that he sadly treats poorly! All I can say is by that time hopefully for HIM the girls give a darn and let him try to make it up to them!! Oh and he lives six hours one way so I can't swing by..trust me I prolly would!

ETA I dont let them take a cell cause he WOULD take it from them and not return it..he has had Holly's only jacket for two years...I offered to prepay an envelope to send it to us...I just bought her a new one and am praying he sends it back.

Your daughters life sounds alot like my own. I was also lucky enough to get an amazing step dad. He is all I ever needed...he is mine, raised me as if I was his own and he is my children's grandpop (and proud).

I was 8 when I realized what a mess bio dad was. One day he just stopped calling and believe me when I say, it is the best thing that ever happened to me.

Now, he did die last year and there is a small part that always wonder why and what if???

I do not, in any way, regret anything that has come my way or wish it could change (it is hard to accept/figure out why your father loved himself more than his kids).

My stepdad is the guy the "Anyone can be a father...it takes a special person to be a dad" saying was written about (I am sure of it).

 

[Bluestars]

I would be frustrated too. He is definitely on a power trip. I would be tempted to call back and ask to speak with her again. Then when he says he doesn't feel like it, say," That's ok. I'll just tell her tomorrow that I called and wanted to wish her a happy birthday, but couldn't talk to her because her father didn't feel like it."

I wouldn't say it, but I sure would be tempted. Sometimes it's better to roll with it and say nothing. It looks like your daughter already knows what type of person he is and won't be upset with you for something that was beyond your control.

 

[cabanafrau]

Since taking him to court about every little thing is not only financially impossible, but wouldn't sit very well w/ a judge, be sure you keep a journal documenting even the small issues. If you wind up in court again at some point, things like that go a long way towards convincing a judge what's actually going on. Most judges will not take it in stride that he refused to allow you to speak w/ your daughter on her birthday. If he lives that far away, I would think the calls will appear on your next phone bill -- keep a copy to back up your story. Whenever he skips or keeps visitation, document, document, document.

Don't badmouth him to the kids. If your daughter does ask why you didn't call on her birthday, explain simply that either no one answered the phone or when dad finally did he said it wasn't a good time & that's all you know. Let her know she can ask dad next time she sees or talks to him why he didn't let you speak w/ her. Keep it factual & let them form their opinions as they will.

 

[disykat]

Don't badmouth him to the kids. If your daughter does ask why you didn't call on her birthday, explain simply that either no one answered the phone or when dad finally did he said it wasn't a good time & that's all you know. Let her know she can ask dad next time she sees or talks to him why he didn't let you speak w/ her. Keep it factual & let them form their opinions as they will.

Very good way to put it! It takes the "blame" off of you and makes him responsible WITHOUT saying negative things about him.

 

[GraysMom]

Are you calling DD from your cell phone? If so, can you show her the recent calls list that proves how many times you called on her birthday and her Bio dad wouldn't let you speak to her?

 

[remyandhollandsmommy]

Are you calling DD from your cell phone? If so, can you show her the recent calls list that proves how many times you called on her birthday and her Bio dad wouldn't let you speak to her?

Yea, we have a prepaid cell that is strickly used for the ex (that is what I am using) since we don't want him having our regular cell phone number after all his past 2am harassing phone calls he used to make on our home phone (which we had turned off). I just spoke to him again and now he says the girls are at a neighbors house spending the night while he takes for a test for an online course (he said they were there all day while he studied). So much for spending time with the girls, especially on Hol's bday right?!