Can I have a FMIL vent? (Long)

[singingpixie]

DFi and I aren't having a Disney Wedding (too many family members who can't travel and would be hurt if they couldn't come) but are probably doing a Disneymoon, so hopefully I can hang out here!

Anyway, we just got engaged last month, so we're in the beginning planning stages of a spring or fall '08 wedding (the timing issue is up in the air because one of our possible reception venues is the lobby of the concert hall where I work, and if we do it there I want to be flexible as to not interfere w/ their schedule since they'd give it to us for almost nothing). It will probably be 100 guests or so, including friends (almost all mutual, we went to college together), my family from upstate NY and California, and his family from southern VA and Mississippi. Doing it here in Northern VA is a good compromise with the location of our families.

My parents are paying for the wedding, and have basically given us a modest but do-able budget with which to use as we'd like (I'd be courteous enough not to do anything they'd hate, and to do something if they feel strongly for it, but they're being really good about staying out of it so far). When I was thinking of having to do it on an even more limited budget, I was thinking of just doing hors d'ourves (sp?) and desserts instead of a full meal, but my mom said that she'd like to do a real meal (buffet or sit-down) since so many guests were from out of town (plus, it's easier for the older people to eat at a table rather than mingling over hors d'ourves). Once I found out the budget I was looking at, I agreed (I would have been fine w/ hors d'ourves if that's all we could afford, but being able to do a full meal would be really nice).

When we were still considering doing the wedding down in Southern VA by DFi's family, FMIL wanted to do the catering. I would really rather she not, because that's a ton to ask of her. I know she wants to be involved and I would be thrilled to involve her, but on a scale that once the wedding starts she can relax and enjoy herself. She's also been really sick, which just confirms this instinct of mine. This was another reason I was thrilled to have the wedding up here- it seemed to negate the catering suggestion, as moving all that food would be too much.

DFi talked to his mom the other night, and it seems like she still really wants to do all the catering- but we have to do all hors d'ourves. DFi wants to let her, since she didn't get to be involved at all in his sister's wedding (VERY long story). I'd rather she not, for all the reasons previously stated. DFi thinks I'm letting my mom run things, and that I'm more concerned with throwing a "lavish, pompous" wedding than how his family feels. This isn't my reasoning at all- yes, I want our guests to be comfortable and have a good time, but I don't care if they are "impressed" or what have you- I just want to have a good time and celebrate with them.

Apparently this conversation also involved things like his mom offering for me to wear her sister's wedding dress (I'm not 100% against this if it fits and if I actually like the dress, but if I don't like it now I'm going to have to come up with a tactful way to say so), and her saying that "if my mom starts trying to take things over, to let FMIL know and she'll tell my mom off so that she doesn't know she's being told off." So far, my mom has shown absolutely no indication of trying to take over (which, although my mom isn't a take-over kind of person, still surprises me since I'm the only daughter), but FMIL has tried to influence date (before DFi and I had even STARTED talking about it- like the day after we got engaged), location, food, attire and decor. I don't know how to tactfully tell her that SHE's the one I'm worried about taking over!

All of that said, I love FMIL. She's a really super-nice lady, and would do anything for us. She just goes overboard while thinking she's helping. I know she'd love to help with decor, favors, the cake (she does cakes for a hobby), etc, and I'd love her to do it- but that's enough. She should be able to enjoy the wedding and not be trying to do every part of it except take the vows!

 

[happylalagirl]

Wow... that's a lot to deal with. I don't even know where to tell you to start with this one... it does seem as though your FMIL is trying to take over... Have you explained your concerns to your DF and your FMIL. Perhaps if she hears how you feel about her not being able to enjoy the wedding because she'd have so much to do, might make her a bit more understandable... Is your DF the only son? It sounds like his mom is a bit over protective and he sounds as though he's pretty protective of her. Whatever happens, you should definitely talk to your FMIL about how you feel. Tell her you're grateful for what she wants to do, but your parents gave you a budget and you'd like to take advantage of that so that she too can enjoy the day. She shouldn't have to be running around the entire time worrying about setting up food, decorations, etc. Good luck and keep us posted. You are always welcome to vent.

 

[F1Julie]

My advise to you is put your foot down now. It's your wedding and your FMIL does not get to make the decisions. I'm now not having the type of wedding I want because I decided to be nice and "compromise" to make the future in-laws happy when we first got engaged. Now I have resentful feelings towards the wedding because I didn't stand up for what I wanted. I wanted to elope or have a small wedding with immediate family only. Now I'm having a much larger and much more expensive wedding than I wanted. Sorry for the rambling, but I wouldn't want to see you or anyone else make the mistake that I did.

 

[JJClemson]

Meg, I soooo feel for you As many people on here now, I have had my share of FMIL problems.

First of all, this is YOUR wedding day. If her daughter did not let her be a part of her day, that is not your problem. Explain your fear of your FMIL taking over to your DF. Then have him explain it to her, or you could talk to her together. You and your DF need to agree on this, and not letr her get in between you two. Just thank her for the offer to do the catering, but tell her you want a full sit-down meal.

As for your mother being so involved, isn't that the bride's mom's job? I think most FMIL almost expect that, especially since your parents are paying for the wedding! My mom is making my STDs, invitations, place cards, centerpieces, programs, and favors. My FMIL is making the ring-bearer pillow. Whenever she tries to but in, I basically let my DF handle it. As my parents like to say "no pay, no say". I know it sounds awful, and I would never actually say it to FMIL, but that's how I feel.

This is your wedding day! Don't let anyone else try to control it or take it away from you. Best of luck to you and DF. You can vent here any time

 

[singingpixie]

Thanks for the advice girls! I know I need to put my foot down (at least on major things like this) and I plan to, it's just frustrating that I have to worry about hurting her by making a decision that should be mine to begin with.

I'm willing to compromise on small things (she's offered to give us table linens for free, and they're white, which I didn't really want, but I'll compromise and do colored runners) but the big things like location, date, and major issues like what kind of things to serve I'm not going to cave on. I'll certainly weigh her opinions but they're not going to have more weight than my own.

It's just so tough because she really is an incredibly selfless person and would do everything for us if she thought that's what we wanted... and I don't want to be ungrateful, but I've been lucky enough to be given a budget so that we can have what we want within reason, instead of trying to do it for the least amount possible. I don't know if that's going to make sense to FMIL because she's used to always doing something on the least possible amount- she loves bargain shopping (which is why I'm really looking forward to her help with decor, favors, etc- the things that I can't always watch sales for, but she'll know about them and have them before I even realize they were on sale!). We certainly don't have enough to throw a huge lavish gala (not that I'd want it anyway- that's totally not me) but we have enough to throw a comfortable party where we do a lot of the prep work ourselves but will be able to relax and have a good time the day of the event. I think it's a good compromise, now it's just time to convince everyone else of that!

 

[wendy46001]

Sounds like you have the right idea already....tell her you really want her to be a part of the day....but you want her to enjoy herself and not have all the stress of food prep.....Just be up front...you need her help with _____ (ie. favors, etc)....that way she has a job to keep her busy.....

As for the dress....if you've seen it and its not your style don’t try it on....once you get it on its harder to explain you want something new....Just thank them for the wonderful opportunity but you always envisioned something different....Best way to handle it is have examples and expectations worked out with DF before hand......as long as you two are a team problems wont last long

P.S. from reading your first post it sounded like you were marrying my brother....as my mother is the MIL you described to a tee...

 

[ChocolateMouse]

I helped do the catering for a family wedding last year. I concluded I'd never do it again and would never wish that upon anyone else to do it. Plain and simple, it's a lot of work. You're shopping and spending your time in the kitchen for DAYS.

Depending on the size of the wedding, you could be scrubbing potatoes for many hours. They bought garlic bulbs to save money (rather than pre-peeled in vacuum sealed bags). I spent several hours peeling several pounds of garlic and then proceeded to smell like it for a long time.

You also need to watch for dietary restrictions such as vegetarianism and food allergies.

Then there's the issue of storage and refrigeration. The in-laws brought in two extra old fridges to give us three to store everything. Lugging fridges around wasn't fun.

Lastly, as others have said, during dinner service you miss out because you're busy cooking and serving.

 

[singingpixie]

I helped do the catering for a family wedding last year. I concluded I'd never do it again and would never wish that upon anyone else to do it. Plain and simple, it's a lot of work. You're shopping and spending your time in the kitchen for DAYS.

Depending on the size of the wedding, you could be scrubbing potatoes for many hours. They bought garlic bulbs to save money (rather than pre-peeled in vacuum sealed bags). I spent several hours peeling garlic and then proceeded to smell like it for a long time.

Then there's the issue of storage and refrigeration. The in-laws brought in two extra old fridges to give us three to store everything. Lugging fridges around wasn't fun.

Lastly, as others have said, during dinner service you miss out because you're busy cooking and serving.

That's what I'm picturing, and I have no clue why she'd want to do that! DFi thinks I'm trying to decide what's better for her instead of letting her do it, but I think she wants to do it because she thinks it's what we want.... and if it's not, then no one's happy! I love that she wants to help, but who wants to spend their only son's wedding/reception working instead of enjoying? I just hope she understands why I feel this way and doesn't think I'm trying to edge her out of things.

 

[ChocolateMouse]

I'll also add if you're serving family style where all the dishes are available at once, there's an incredible pressure to get everything served at the same time. It's tough enough for a family of 4 or 6 sometimes, never mind for 100 people. You have stuff on the stove top, in the oven, stuff cooling down on the counter, etc. Serving by course (salad, entree 1, entree 2, dessert) eases the pressure, but then you're constantly working.

When I helped with catering last year, also for around 100 people, we bought a few large Rubbermaid storage bins to hold all the salad. In the U.S., I guess the sizing would be 70 quarts. It even allows you to toss the salad once you put on the lid too. The only problem is once it's made or pre-made, it doesn't fit in the fridge.

We rented a large BBQ grill for the meat. It had a cooking area of about 4 feet wide and ran on huge propane tanks. There was no other way we could serve meat for so many people at the same time unless we cooked in small batches, which would take hours. We could've served roasts, but we'd need at least two ovens.

We were also limited by the amount of kitchen stuff we had - not enough large pots, trays, etc. Counter space was a premium.

So.....
You might be able to compromise by asking her to make a snack, punch or dessert treat instead of the entire dinner.

 

[singingpixie]

You might be able to compromise by asking her to make a snack, punch or dessert treat instead of the entire dinner.

I've actually already asked a caterer that we're considering if this is possible- maybe we can have her make some hors d'ourves to have out as guests arrive at the reception, but have them cater the actual meal. DFi is concerned that caterers won't allow this, but I explained the situation when I asked the question. Otherwise, we could always keep the rehearsal dinner really small and have her do that, or the day-after brunch.... whatever is on a more managable scale but still makes her happy.

 

[StephSFL]

Great idea! Ask her to help with the rehearsal dinner cooking- maybe even a ladies tea (if she's southern, she should love that idea), etc. I think the idea of her catering a 100 person wedding is too much. Who would serve it and the liability and logistics issues are enormous (as a sprevious poster stated very well). You and your DF could end up more stressed then need be!
I would really try to sit your fiance down and talk with him first so y'all an be on the same page and go to his Mom in a united stance.
I am so sorry about the stress! A lot of uson here know where you are comign from! Congratulations on the engagement and please keep us updated on the plannign and everything.
Rant anytime!