Can anyone relate to this?????

[gemjoy]

Not counting our children, my husband and I buy for almost 30 people at christmas. First, I'll clarify by saying I love to "give" - especially at Christmas time. However ~ it's beginning to feel as if the "joy" is being sucked out of it! It's not just a financial thing either - it just feels like I'm always trying to even things out and add a little more here and there... why??? Christmas shouldn't be about how much you give - I know this, but yet I make myself almost sick trying to do too much - baking, wrapping, shopping etc.....
The perfect Christmas in my mind would be if I happen to be shopping and see something that makes me think of a specific person... I'll pick it up and give it to them as a gift. But this "list" thing is beginning to annoy me. It grows and grows and pretty soon it's out of control ~ when and how do you draw the line???????? I don't want to hurt feelings.... HELP!!!!!

 

[MEM]

You sound a lot like my sister. I got off this merry-go-round years ago when I was single and buying for every niece, nephew, in-law and so on. I took the initiative and suggested that we (the extended family) draw a name out of a hat to buy for. Also, set a limit on the amount to spend. That worked well, and then when I married and had kids of my own, I suggested we only draw names of our children and buy for them. Now my siblings and I only buy for our parents since our kids don't need anything.

I understand the desire to give, but you might be able to find one homemade gift to mass produce and give out, something other than cookies maybe, like the gifts-in-a-jar. I am going to try the tortilla soup in a jar recipe and see if that would work as a one-size-fits-all gift.

I think you would avoid the "hurt feelings" you mentioned by getting everyone to "buy in" to the idea of cutting back.

 

[the kabuki]

With our family, we draw names out of a hat for the adults. There's 19 of us, not including the kids, just brothers, sisters, their spouses, etc. between DH and I. We all spend Christmas together, but it was just getting out of hand. Once you reach 18 your name goes in the hat. For the nieces and nephews, they still get gifts, but there's spending limits on those too.

The only other ones on my list are the kids' teachers' & their bus driver.

 

[megan4777]

I totally understand where you're coming from.
We have siblings on both sides and everyone has kids plus some aunts/uncles, etc.. I absolutely love to give at Christmas but I also find myself thinking, "I need to add something little to so-and-so's gift to make it look even." I buy most of the Christmas gifts throughout the year when I see things on sale but I kill myself at Christmas buying all the little things to "even things out." We know that this year will definately be different b/c we just had DD#2 and DH is the sole income.
I'm going to try to keep in mind that noone expects anything from us and that i'm putting pressure on myself to try to make it special with gifts instead of with gestures or just spending time together. Ijust realized that I get this from my mom, though, because I helped her with my brother's gifts growing up and this is exactly what she did.
AHHHHHHHHH I'm turning into my mother!!!

 

[Chicago526]

Ah, the joy of a small family! We don't talk to my dad's side, so all that's left is my mom's small family, my immediate family, and my DFi's mom and grandparents. DFi is an only child, and doesn't speak to HIS dad's side, either. So here's my whole list!

Parents, DB1 and SIL and 2 nephews, DB2 (single no kids), Grandma, my 4 closest friends ($25 limit each), DFi's mom and grandparents, and DFi himself. My mom takes care of her brother and sister, and my cousins are now both in high school/college so they get lumped in with their parents gift from my mom.

Ta Da! All done! Makes for a short Christmas card list, too!

Here's what I'd do, if I did have too many. Cut your list down to the people that if THEY didn't give you a gift, would you be upset? Not that you should give to get, but that is a good indicator of how close you really are to that person. If you could care less if they didn't give you a Christmas gift, and forgot you birthday too, then just send them a Christmas card. For kids, either do a grab bag or pull names. Most kids have too many toys, anyway (at least all the kids I know do!).

30+ people is waaaaay too many unless you're a millionare. If you are a millionare, then can you add me to your list?

 

[NYRN]

We ahbe started only buying for the kids- less then 18 years old. We were doing a "Secret Santa" with the family as well- but that just ended up as an exchange of gift certificates!

 

[umaangel00]

I have a rather large family on my mom's side. We buy $5 gift cards and then play a game to win them. Each person still only gets one but I love that idea!

 

[mickeyluv'r]

Cute idea with the gift cards.

WE tried the name in the hat thing and it was tough for us. We also tried the kids only thing, and that was also though for us.

This year we came up with a great idea!!!
we gave each other the gift of Disney. Instead of buying all those gifts at Christmas, we pooled our resources for a spring trip to Florida with almost the whole family. It was like Christmas in April! Everyone had a great Christmas, and a great family vacation!

Christmas was SO much better without the pressure of all those gifts. The kids each got a few things, and they were happy. In truth, the kids get overwhelmed with all those gifts. With just a few things, they were each able to get one thing they really liked, and they had time to enjoy that one thing...when they have too many gifts it is stressful for them to choose which one to play with. They feel bad when they ignore someone's gift. the adults were able to watch the kids enjoying their gifts, and everyone had great time. Plus, I hate having to transport all that stuff back and forth, and pretending to like something that I don't.

WE really came out of it thinking about the true meaning of the holiday. It was great!

 

[pweyl36]

In My Family We Do A Polly Anna With The Adults.$20 Limit,then The Fun Part Is Every Body Buys Each Other A Gift From The Dollar Store.the Older Kids Get $1 From Everybody.the Smaller Kids All Get $1 Gifts From All The Adults.they Love This ,because To Them Its Just Alot Of Gifts.its Fun To See What A $1 Can Buy At The Dollar Store.you Really Can Get Some Nice Things With Out Spending Alot.

 

[patchchild]

This was also becoming an issue with too many friends. Now, there's a group of us that meet each year around the holidays, go out to a fun dinner, and then go shopping together for Toys for Tots. We get to enjoy beign social with one another over the holidays which is a great break from the usual running around, and we know that we're doing something special for someone who needs it more than us.

 

[kkaisu]

I have a large family on my mom's side. 5 aunts and uncles + spouses, 10 cousins + spouses all with 2+ kids. Everyone still gets together at Grandpa's on Christmas, except out of staters, which show up about every other year. We play the exhange game everyone brings one $10 gift, we draw numbers and the exchange begins - there is always one item that everyone fights(play fights) over - makes for some FUNNY family times. On my SO's side everyone used to buy for everyone, but the last two years adults have drawns names - THANK GOODNESS. I would suggest to draw names, I bet you would be suprised that the otheres in your family are probably feeling the same as you.

 

[Arielle22]

I have 7 siblings and 6 are married. Between us there is only 6 nieces. So we buy for the children. The adults draw a name from a hat and buy only for that person in the mat of $200. DH has 1 brother,sil,mom and 1 neice/nephew. There are 2 other friends I buy for. We save $$ each week towards Christmas so it is spread out.

My parents are dead as is my FIL. So Christmas is held at my house. In the morning you spend time with the spouse's family but the afternoon is at my house.

We have done this for about 12 years and it has worked out great.

 

[Nini]

We do the "Secret Santa" thing by Family!!!! There are just too many to buy individually for...and we all keep having more children!!!! We just purchase a gift that the receiving family can use together...like a movie (or movie passes), micro-popcorn, mugs, hot choco packets, marshmallows...you get the idea. Last year our family received a S'mores Kit. I like to make our gift basket with various items (and one special for the kids) in it.

NOTE: We pull names on Thanksgiving to give everyone time to subtly prod the receiving family for ideas and to have the time to purchase the gift!!!!

It has been MUCH easier this way!!!!

 

[ThreeMusketeers]

Same issue as well..we started downsizing....Often times we would not see family members all year long, we woudnl't hear from them at all and they would still be offended if we didn't send along something for their kids to a party that we couldn't make..

Question for ya'll though, hubby's family is split, he dosen't talk to his mom, and he and his dad are not that close, however..his dad's new wife has 2 small children 3 and 4 yo's. They are not his dad's kids they are children from his dad's wife's previous marriage. We usually get the girls a little item and say its from our daughter..but his dad's wife always acts as though we are being cheap! Are we? Should we get them something more? We hardly ever talk to them, and we live 4 hours away so its not as though our children play. What would you do?

aw:

 

[Ishy]

I dont buy for everyone in my big family. They have bought gifts for me over the years, but I married young and started a family young and keep Xmas for my children and a token gift for my parents. I had to learn to say thank you gracefully and just ignore the comments from the few people that didnt understand that giving should not hurt. Took me many years, we scrimped as I went to school, then paid for childcare, and saved for our first house. Sure I felt so bad at first there was no reward for the person giving. Then I learned to say 'thank you' in such a way that the person giving felt really good knowing they gave me something special that meant a lot to me. Now I have a nice house and I give gifts to their children and host most of the Holidays here (centrally located for most, big open floor plan, kid friendly) - for those with little ones, the burden of hosting a gathering is lifted and they too basically only buy for the children. The main gift now to each other is a little time to celebrate and give thanks for the wealth of love we share (warm and mushy thoughts on the oatmeal scale).

or in a nutshell, - dont hurt yourself by giving what you cant afford to, accpet a give without feeling so bad that you make the giver feel bad too.

THANKS SO MUCH!

The only other solution is to make a small charity donation in the other persons name. The amount is usually not disclosed and the intention is pure at heart.

 

[Taja]

As an only child who is single with a huge extended family, I finally had to bit the bullet about 10 years ago and say ENOUGH! While I purchased gifts for each person in families of 4+, they had to purchase one for me. When I could afford it, I didn't mind it. But when all of my resources went toward caring for my parents, things had to change.

We tried drawing names with the adults, but as a previous poster noted, it became an exchange of gift cards. We eliminated that. So we settled on gifts for children through the age of 25, as long as they were single. When they turned 25 or married, they were considered "adult" and participated as such.

Now we plan time to spend together. We have a nice meal out together between Thanksgiving and Christmas, and alternate hosting Thanksgiving, Christmas eve and Christmas day.

We welcomed our first "child" in a few years this past February. We're having fun spoiling him, but more with love and affection and less with gifts!

 

[Rex Rules]

I am beginning to feel like this too. We have 4 nieces, 3 nephews to get for - meanwhile we only have one child, so DD gets a present from the family as a whole. I am going to suggest we draw names this year.

 

[JodyTG]

I must be the selfish person here on the boards. My DH, DD, and I go to Disney World every Christmas. We have $10.00 to spend on each one of us at Downtown Disney Marketplace and we each shop separately. We then "open" the presents Christmas morning. I'm not sure how this will work out now that we have an 18 month old DS, but we intend to continue our tradition.

Christmas, in my family at least, just seemed to get more and more materialistic; talking about how cheap one person is and how extravagant another is. It's just no fun to hang out with so many people that are upset. Plus, even if you buy someone a great gift (or at least what you thought was great) they always have some little rude remark to make about it. And, like someone mentioned, it was getting ridiculously expensive to buy for even just the few dozen kids in my immediate family. The "drawing names thing" didn't work because some people would spend $50 on their name and get a $5-10 gift in return. I'm sure you can imagine how this ended up.

So, a few years back, my DH and I decided to just concentrate on us and our DD and enjoy Christmas at our favorite place the world.

 

[justus3]

Same boat here, my husband has a huge family. Then the kids grew up and had kids. It is a never ending list to buy for at Christmas. We tried the name in hat thing, but then they started feeling guily about someone being left out or not getting something for that "favorite only child" child. I gave up. No Christmas holiday spirit left here. I told my husband we should just go hide out at Disney until it is over. Lots of spirit there.

 

[canwegosoon]

I also have a large family (lots of $20 gifts)and DH has small family(a few $100gifts). Since we live in another part of the country we rarely see our families. A few years ago we had gone from gifts for everyone to gift names, to no exchange except parents, and children under 21. I like the children under 21 , but I always give them Target Gift cards since I have no idea what they want or need...and never hear from them to know.

For Friends I have resorted to baking breads cookies or Jams...most appericate the thought, and not everyone feels obligated to reciprocate, but I love the feeling of Christmas it gives me.