Call the bully's parents? Update post #14, #30

[JerseyJanice]

No advice, just a big {hug}.

It hurts us so much to see our children hurting. The situation must be killing you! Best of luck in however you decide to handle it.

 

[scoutsmom99]

How terrifying and at such a young age. I hope everything gets worked out and your DS can feel safe again from this bully.

 

[ksjayhawks]

Go to the principal right away and file a police report. You may even want to consider getting a restraining order.

Last year, a boy in my son's 6th grade classroom told, no described, to one of the girls in the room what she would look like after he shot her dead. The parents went to the principal and she was going to suspend him for a week then return him to the classroom with her or someone else in there with him. (This was not his first offense). When the rest of the parents got wind of this, it did not die, believe me. The parents of kids in the boy's room said if he came back, we wanted into the other two teacher's rooms as our children would not be in the room with him. Well, couldn't do that as it would overload classes and she would need another teacher. So, she decided she would move him to another room--you can imagine the uproar that caused. Finally parents in all three rooms banded together and told the principal that if the boy came back to the classroom, she would need to process anywhere from 80 to 100 transfers that day, as we would be pulling our children and their siblings and requesting transfers to other schools.

Finally, she had him transferred to a school that had a program to deal with the issues that he had. The parents of the girl he threatened got a restraining order and talked with the superintendent, so he had to transfer to another junior high this year and also cannot be in high school with her, so he will have to go somewhere else.

In a case like this, the best option is to go directly to the principal. This is beyond the realm of what the counselor should handle. Ask the principal to call in the school resource officer. If you don't have one, ask that she call the police to the school. Do not give in. File a report and get a copy. Get a letter from the principal that states you met, what you discussed, and what will be done. (yes, I know there are privacy laws) If she doesnt' seem to want to help, go directly to the superintendent's office from hers and also call the police yourself. You should look into the restraining order.

Where the counselor will be valuable is having discussions with the classes on bullying, etc., and dealing with questions/issues that arise from this. You may be surprised to learn that your son is not this bully's only victim.

Good luck with your meeting and keep us posted!

 

[shortbun]

If 4th graders in our school were talking about harming another student, there would be suspension and removal of all extra activity once returning to normal classroom. There should be zero tolerance for this offense. Also, your son is showing signs of stress. Explain that to him. If he's old enough to know about being placed in "foster" care, he's old enough to understand basic mental health issues. Assure him that he is a valued and loved member of your family, then help him understand what IS appropriate stress reduction technique= excersize, journaling, breathing for relaxation and so forth. Make sure he hears that NONE of what is going on at school is his fault and don't let ANY teacher ask him "what did you do to them?"

 

[Marseeya]

Your poor DS! Give him lots of hugs from us.

 

[LindsayDunn228]

Wow!! Please keep us updated!

 

[disneylizzy]

Unbelievable! to your DS and your family. I think you are doing everything right. The school can't just pay lip service to "bullying will not be tolerated". IMO, this goes way past bullying and needs to be addressed right away with consequences, the other parents being hauled into school and the ramifications made clear if this continues. Obviously, what the school did before didn't work. They have a problem and it needs to be addressed by much more than the bully getting a talking to and a short suspension.

I think your DS will be okay as long as the school does their part. He must feel safe at all times in school. Please keep us updated.

 

[Tantor]

Keep up with your doing. I feel for you............

 

[Rajah]

I agree with getting your son into some counselling, and maybe even into some form of self defense class like Tai Kwan Do?

 

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

There are a couple of new developments.

DS and I had a very detailed discussion this morning. I made him tell me again EXACTLY what was said. It turns out the bully isn't actually threatening to do anything to DS himself - he is saying his older brother is going to do it. He isn't making a direct threat, and it is rather vague. Yes, he's a bully, but since threats and bullying are the same class of offense I don't know that the distinction matters. Also, the phrase "plotting a murder" originated with DS. He asked Bully if he and his brother were plotting a murder. Bully didn't answer, just smiled. I am almost certain there is no older brother involved here. Bully HAS an older brother, I just don't think the brother has any idea his name is being tossed around the elementary. Bully knows DS gets very emotional, so he just had to get things started and let DS's imagination do the rest.

I made the monumentally stupid decision to CALL the principal today instead of going in and planting myself in the office as our attorney suggested. When she didn't return my call, I called again. Still no response. And no word from the guidance counselor. I discussed it with our attorney again this morning and she agrees it is less severe than we originally thought, probably not worthy of a police report, although it still needs to be addressed.

DH picked DS up after school and said Bully wasn't there today. Had the guidance counselor spoken to him YESTERDAY when I called to report the behavior then it wouldn't MATTER that Bully wasn't there today. So Monday I will apparently be planting myself in the office until the principal feels like addressing my concerns. The situation IS serious and the bullying needs to stop.

Since DS has calmed down and regained some of his rationale he feels much better. DH and I have assured him repeatedly that we love him and we will make sure he is safe. His teachers know Bully is up to his old tricks so they will be watching for problems, and I think the teachers are far more intimidating than the guidance counselor.

I called a man today about getting my table refinished. DH says we should wait awhile. Maybe we'll have it done after school gets out. DS is going to start sitting at his desk for homework.

We have looked into Tae Kwan Do but the classes are 3 times a week. We are waiting for results of ADD testing because it takes DS 3-5 hours to finish his homework every night. (There are other issues - that's not WHY we had him tested.) If we are able to get the homework down to a reasonable time frame we would consider more extracurricular stuff. I will definitely discuss the bullying and table gouging with our diagnostician and pediatrician next week to make sure there isn't something else we are missing in the big picture. It could very well be that the table thing was an example of poor impulse control that comes with ADD. I guess we'll see what his test results show and go from there.

Thanks everyone for your encouragement! Hopefully next week will be better.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Thanks for the update!

I just wanted to mention that is it a slight possibility that Bully was not in school today directly because of what happened? Is it possible that the Principal did contact the Bully's parents and that he is being disciplined.

Could just be out sick, or whatever.... But, the possibility of his parents keeping him home, or his being suspended, did immediately cross my mind.

 

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

If anyone contacted Bully's parents it was probably the TEACHERS. It was pretty late when DH saw them yesterday because it was after tutoring. There was an Open House thing for prospective families as well as a little Art Show for current families last night so the teachers may have seen Bully's parents and said something.

I just think if someone had actually spoken to Bully and/or his parents we would have heard about it. Maybe not.