Call the bully's parents? Update post #14, #30

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

Back at the beginning of the school year I posted about a boy in DS's class who was bullying DS. They are in 4th grade.

The boy was using tactics very much like a girl uses to bully - psychological bullying and trying to get the other boys to go along with it. Well, the other boys apparently weren't inclined to folow his lead, so that was good. But the bully didn't give up. He called DS stupid, took supplies away from DS, and generally ridiculed him to try to make him feel bad. I called the guidance counselor and the principal and told them I wanted it to stop NOW. They called the boy in and spoke to him, he apologized to DS, everybody moves on.

Last night DS was telling me he feels lonely at school because one of his friends is now friends with the bully and they are excluding DS. Not nice, not fun, but not anything I can help with. This morning DS tells me the bully has been THREATENING TO SHOOT HIM!!!

It came up because I told DS I think the bully has teenage siblings and maybe they are mean to him. Then DS said "Oh. Well, Bully says he and his brother are plotting a murder. They are going to shoot me with a BB gun because that doesn't pierce. Then they are going to shoot me with a pellet gun."

Um, no they aren't. I called the guidance counselor this morning and told her we will not tolerate our child being intimidated and threatened. Haven't heard back from her, but she promised to talk with the bully. I wonder if the bully is making the distinction that he is going to use a BB gun because it would most likely NOT be fatal, therefore sort of skirting around an actual death threat. I would think a death threat would mean expulsion, wouldn't it? But when I started freaking out DS said he is sure Bully is just joking. I watch entirely too much CNN to see the humor here.


So here's my question:
Should I call this kid's parents and tell them they need to secure any and all weapons in their home because they will be liable if their child injures my child? And maybe suggest that their future death row inmate could probably use some intervention? I don't know these people AT ALL. I know the mom well enough to point her out at a PTA meeting, that's it. I don't know the exact ages of the siblings, and I don't know if the bully is actually plotting WITH a sibling or just adding him in the mix to scare DS. I don't know if the parents would be ready to throttle the child or if they will disregard my concerns. I don't know the child well enough to know if he is actually the type who would bring a weapon to school or if he is just a brat with a big mouth.

So what do you all think?

 

[mickeyboat]

Back at the beginning of the school year I posted about a boy in DS's class who was bullying DS. They are in 4th grade.

The boy was using tactics very much like a girl uses to bully - psychological bullying and trying to get the other boys to go along with it. Well, the other boys apparently weren't inclined to folow his lead, so that was good. But the bully didn't give up. He called DS stupid, took supplies away from DS, and generally ridiculed him to try to make him feel bad. I called the guidance counselor and the principal and told them I wanted it to stop NOW. They called the boy in and spoke to him, he apologized to DS, everybody moves on.

Last night DS was telling me he feels lonely at school because one of his friends is now friends with the bully and they are excluding DS. Not nice, not fun, but not anything I can help with. This morning DS tells me the bully has been THREATENING TO SHOOT HIM!!!

It came up because I told DS I think the bully has teenage siblings and maybe they are mean to him. Then DS said "Oh. Well, Bully says he and his brother are plotting a murder. They are going to shoot me with a BB gun because that doesn't pierce. Then they are going to shoot me with a pellet gun."

Um, no they aren't. I called the guidance counselor this morning and told her we will not tolerate our child being intimidated and threatened. Haven't heard back from her, but she promised to talk with the bully. I wonder if the bully is making the distinction that he is going to use a BB gun because it would most likely NOT be fatal, therefore sort of skirting around an actual death threat. I would think a death threat would mean expulsion, wouldn't it? But when I started freaking out DS said he is sure Bully is just joking. I watch entirely too much CNN to see the humor here.


So here's my question:
Should I call this kid's parents and tell them they need to secure any and all weapons in their home because they will be liable if their child injures my child? And maybe suggest that their future death row inmate could probably use some intervention? I don't know these people AT ALL. I know the mom well enough to point her out at a PTA meeting, that's it. I don't know the exact ages of the siblings, and I don't know if the bully is actually plotting WITH a sibling or just adding him in the mix to scare DS. I don't know if the parents would be ready to throttle the child or if they will disregard my concerns. I don't know the child well enough to know if he is actually the type who would bring a weapon to school or if he is just a brat with a big mouth.

So what do you all think?

First I would call the school back and get an answer as to what they intend to do. Then I really think I might call the police and let them handle it.

Denae

 

[horseshowmom]

Personally, I would not contact the parents. I would go through the school. It sounds like they handled it last time. Hopefully, they'll take care of it this time as well. If I felt I had to involve the parents, I would only meet with them at school with the counselor/principal (whomever handles these things in your school) present.

I know that in our school district threats are taken very seriously (not enough to get you expelled at the 4th grade level but very possibly suspended). You certainly have every right to be very angry, and your child deserves a safe, comfortable learning environment.

 

[Wishing on a star]

NO, I would not contact the boys parents in any way shape or form.

It is not your place to get so personally involved.
And, unfortunately, when thinking about the boys parents, the apple sometimes does not fall far from the tree. You do not know what kind of fire you would be jumping in to!!!

I would not have spoken with the counselor. I would immediately personally visit with the Principal, and make sure they know that you expect appropriate action immediately. (Including calling the boy and his parents in to discuss the situation and to give out any disciplinary action/ punishment.)

I would go right to the top.
This has to be stopped with very strong action from the top. Or, it will just goad the bully on if he gets a 'talking to' from just the counselor, he will just use this to Bully your child by saying.. "Mama's boy... called the counselor cause you went crying to Mama.... etc...."

This is a SERIOUS threat, and I would immediately go to the Principal, and then higher if the Principal does not adequately handle the situation.

HUGS!!!

edited to add: ZERO TOLERANCE!!!!

 

[tw1nsmom]

When it comes to a death threat, I would go through the school, but I would insist they immediately contact the bully's parents. If they hesitate, I would probably tell them, "Fine, then I'll report it to the police and they can contact the parents."

 

[lulugirl]

I would not contact the parents, as someone else has already suggested...sometimes the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
I would be very aggressive in making sure the school is taking this seriously. If you feel they are not, then informing the police of these threats doesn't seem unreasonable.

 

[wilderness01]

I would not contact the parents either. I would however contact the police. There is zero tolerance laws and this was a threat. Hang in there.

 

[Marseeya]

I disagree. I would call the parents! How on earth are they supposed to know what's going on and do anything about it if they're not informed? Give them a chance to handle it.

This is coming from a parent of a bully and of a child who gets bullied. The first time I ever found out my son was picking on another kid, I nipped it in the bud immediately. There's a whole lot more I can do to him at home than they can ever do at school. When he didn't quit misbehaving in school, I yanked his hind end out and homeschooled him.

Granted, you might not come across parents who are as responsive as DH and I are, but how are you going to know unless you try talking to them?

Wouldn't you want to know if your child was going this?

 

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

My DS would be lucky to see the light of day again if I found out he was bullying or threatening anybody! But like so many others have said, I have no clue what sort of reaction to expect from the parents. "Boys will be boys" or "Our son would NEVER say such a thing!" would force me to have to rip their throats out, meaning our attorney would be too busy getting me out of prison to handle any sort of suit against Bully and his kin.

Earlier in the year when he was bullying DS the teacher made a comment that Bully was going through some personal stuff at that time. His mom is divorced and remarried but I don't know who has custody of Bully or who else lives in his primary residence. If the teenagers are his step-siblings they could very well be mean to him at home, but that has nothing to do with MY DS!

I will go in when I take DS to school in the morning and I will see what sort of plan they have. I will go through the handbook tonight and see what sort of punishment is listed for threats against other students. I know it is less severe than the punishment for threatening a teacher or administrator. Go figure. DH will pick DS up from tutoring in about 30 minutes so I will see what DS has to say about what went on today.

 

[RoyalCanadian]

I'm all for making the phone call to the principal with the information passed along that the next phone call is to the police. The first the parents would learn about it is when the police car pulls up to their door. Let the authorities handle it.

 

[mamacatnv]

I disagree. I would call the parents! How on earth are they supposed to know what's going on and do anything about it if they're not informed? Give them a chance to handle it.

I agree somewhat with this, however I think you need to request your Principal to arrange an immediate conversation with the parents with you and your husband present. It is very possible that the parents have no clue what a tyrant their little Johnny is and will nip it in the bud, but there is also the possibility that they could be the "not my little angle" type of parents and you will have gotten nowhere, may even perpetuate the problem.

If you do not get immediate, and I don't mean next week, I mean today/tomorrow response by your Principal and the other parents, I would loudly and clearly use the words, Harrassment and Lawyer in the same sentence!

I feel bad for your little guy, there is nothing worse than the terror a bully can inflict.

MamaCatNV

 

[Wishing on a star]

I very respectfully, yet very STRONGLY disagree with Marseeya....

It is imperative to go thru the correct channels. How will the parents find out??? Very simply, the bully's parents will find out soon enough when they get a call from the Principal.

 

[Marseeya]

I very respectfully, yet very STRONGLY disagree with Marseeya....

It is imperative to go thru the correct channels. How will the parents find out??? Very simply, the bully's parents will find out soon enough when they get a call from the Principal.

I live in a small town and know many of the parents. Maybe that's why I feel the way I do. The only way I wouldn't call the parent is if I knew the child was in an abusive situation or if I knew that the parent wouldn't care. Or in the case of one of DS's former friends -- the parent would egg the bully on.

 

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

Well, we've gone from bad to worse.

DH went to pick DS up this afternoon. I called DH just before he went in and told him to tell DS's teachers what's going on in case the guidance counselor didn't tell them. Luckily DH found both teachers together and told them what is happening. He said both of their mouths dropped open because neither of them knew anything about it. They then asked DS why he didn't come to them. Short answer is he thought they wouldn't help him. The teachers told DH they will call Bully's mother. I don't think the guidance counselor did ANYTHING.

I spoke to our attorney and she said to 1) demand a meeting with the principal in the morning and 2) file a police report. She said I should park myself in the school office and refuse to leave until the principal gives me a course of action. The district handbook says both threats and bullying are "discretionary removal" offenses, but the list of punishments for those offenses spans half a page.

I got off work an hour late tonight (like I needed that). When I got home I saw that DS had gouged literally HUNDREDS of holes in my Ethan Allen table with his pencil instead of doing his homework!! They are deep, too, so I am pretty sure they can't be buffed out. I came completely unglued, which made DS come unglued. DH didn't notice what DS was doing earlier, but when he saw the extensive damage to the table he joined in the shouting. DS was crying and saying he is a horrible kid and he is worthless and we should just put him in foster care. He has NEVER destroyed anything before. He is obviously under an incredible amount of stress. I asked him over and over if he has told me the whole story and if Bully is the only thing bothering him. He says that's it. He finally calmed down enough to finish his homework and eat some dinner, but DH and I are just at the end of our ropes!

I have the relevant passages in my handbook highlighted and I will be in the office bright and early in the morning. The kids have state standardized testing next week. This is exactly what I DO NOT need distracting DS. What a mess!

 

[poohandwendy]

I would call the parents and let them know what is going on, then I would call the police and only then would I call the police. A death threat is police business first. I would call the parents first only to let them know my intentions and that they should expect a visit from the police.

 

[poohandwendy]

Just saw your update, I am so sorry you and your son are going through this. I suggest getting him some counselling asap. This is obviously a tremendous amount of pressure to be going through, I think he needs to talk to a professional about it. They would know how to help him through his feelings.

Good luck to you and {{{HUGS}}}

 

[tiggerlover]

{{{HUGS}}} I am so sorry your family and your DS is going through this. I have been there recently and it is a hard place to be.

My DS who is in 4th grade has been bullied by the same boy all year. I wasn't aware of it until December, brought it to the attention of the teacher and she handled it, (ie: talked to both boys, punished bully and seperated them in class)....so we thought problem solved. Apparently it stopped in the classroom, but it escalated at lunch and on the playground (and DS never told us). After school started back in January DS came out of our house one day and saw this boy and his older brother walking by and became frightened that this boy was going to come to the house and get him because he now knew where we lived. Caused lots of sleepless nights and a lot of stress for DS. When I finally got out of DS what was going on I by-passed the teacher and went to the guidance counsellor. She said she would handle it and would refer my concerns to the asst. principal. When I got no concrete answers from GC after a couple of days (which really peeved me) I called the asst. principal myself and told him I would not tolerate this. The apologized for not getting in touch with me but he did speak firmly with the child and brought the parents into school to talk with them. (I would not confront the parents myself if I were you, I would let the school take care of it....some parents might get riled up if confronted about their little Johnny). The parents and the child were told if any form of bullying were to happen again the child would be suspended and not allowed back at school. Also the GC has since gone into the classroom and did a unit on Bullying with the whole class. So far so good, it has only been about a month so time will tell. The asst. principal did tell us that our bully has rough home life, yadda, yadda, yadda, which he agreed was not an excuse, but he assured me they have a zero tolerance for bullying and will deal with it head on. That makes me feel better to know. So I would definitely enlist the proper channels at your DS's school and do everything by the book. My thoughts are that most bullies (not all) are apples that don't fall too far from the tree, and that they are bullies because something is not right in their lives. So confronting the parents may be counterproductive and I wouldn't want them to turn it around on you (which could very well happen if the parents are the same way, which they may not be, but could). Good luck, I hope you get a resolution and get to give some security back to your son. Keep us posted. {{{HUGS}}}

 

[OceanAnnie]

It sounds like you are doing all of the right things. Good luck to you and your DS.

Keep us posted.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Wow!

It sounds like you are ready to handle this the right away!

I hope all goes well and this is all soon behind you.



PS: When things have settled down, I am wondering if there might be methods that could be used to take care of some of the damage to your nice table.

 

[poohandwendy]

PS: When things have settled down, I am wondering if there might be methods that could be used to take care of some of the damage to your nice table.

I agree, you may be surprised. It sounds like a good piece of furniture...the damage may not be as permanent as you think.

Prayers for the situation with your son and the bullying. Sounds like you are doing everything possible and I hope you have a good resolution soon.