BUSH REFUSES TO PARDON WHITE HOUSE TURKEY
Calls Ceremonial Bird Evil
In a break with a White House tradition going back several decades, President Bush refused to pardon the ceremonial White House turkey today until it agreed to disarm itself unconditionally.
Onlookers appeared stunned as the President used the typically light-hearted photo op to deliver a dire warning to the turkey, whom Mr. Bush called evil.
Fixing the turkey with his icy stare, Mr. Bush warned, Give up your arms, or face the consequences.
Mr. Bush later told reporters that he was a patient man, but that his ultimatum to the White House turkey was a crucial part of his ongoing war against what he called The Axis of Poultry.
But at the United Nations, Security Council members were openly critical of the Presidents call for the White House turkey to disarm.
To our knowledge, the turkey has no arms, said Jean-David Levitte, the French ambassador to the U.N.
The crisis involving the White House turkey was occurring just as Washington was rocked with revelations that Attorney General John Ashcroft had detained as many as 20,000 turkeys this Thanksgiving in various coops and pens around the country.
We believe these birds have information, and we have ways to make them talk, Mr. Ashcroft said in a brief statement.
In other holiday news, singer Michael Jackson interrupted his Thanksgiving plans to offer his services as a marriage counselor to ex-wife Lisa Marie Presley and actor Nicholas Cage, who had announced their plans to divorce.
In Mr. Jacksons unique brand of marriage counseling, the singer offered to dangle Ms. Presley and Mr. Cage from a hotel balcony until the couple agreed to reconcile.
**** HAPPY THANKSGIVING FROM THE BOROWITZ REPORT ****
Calls Ceremonial Bird Evil
In a break with a White House tradition going back several decades, President Bush refused to pardon the ceremonial White House turkey today until it agreed to disarm itself unconditionally.
Onlookers appeared stunned as the President used the typically light-hearted photo op to deliver a dire warning to the turkey, whom Mr. Bush called evil.
Fixing the turkey with his icy stare, Mr. Bush warned, Give up your arms, or face the consequences.
Mr. Bush later told reporters that he was a patient man, but that his ultimatum to the White House turkey was a crucial part of his ongoing war against what he called The Axis of Poultry.
But at the United Nations, Security Council members were openly critical of the Presidents call for the White House turkey to disarm.
To our knowledge, the turkey has no arms, said Jean-David Levitte, the French ambassador to the U.N.
The crisis involving the White House turkey was occurring just as Washington was rocked with revelations that Attorney General John Ashcroft had detained as many as 20,000 turkeys this Thanksgiving in various coops and pens around the country.
We believe these birds have information, and we have ways to make them talk, Mr. Ashcroft said in a brief statement.
In other holiday news, singer Michael Jackson interrupted his Thanksgiving plans to offer his services as a marriage counselor to ex-wife Lisa Marie Presley and actor Nicholas Cage, who had announced their plans to divorce.
In Mr. Jacksons unique brand of marriage counseling, the singer offered to dangle Ms. Presley and Mr. Cage from a hotel balcony until the couple agreed to reconcile.
**** HAPPY THANKSGIVING FROM THE BOROWITZ REPORT ****
