Bringing food to family dinner

[MomofKatie]

Here is a question I'd like to ask- what are the limits to being required to bring a dish to a family get-together?

DH, DD, and I live far from every other member of our extended family- on both sides. My parents live 300 miles away, and DH's perents live 600 miles away.

Last year, we decided to visit DH's Mom and Dad for Thanksgiving. Due to school and work schedules, we were forced to drive through most of the night to get there for T'giving day. We arrived at 2AM Thanksgiving day. Upon waking the next morning, we were asked by MIL (who I love dearly, by the way- no issues here!) what we were going to contribute to the meal. I asked her what she'd like us to do, thinking she'd tell us to help prepare something. She then exclaimed, with suprise in her voice," Oh! I thought you knew- you were supposed to bring something to eat with dinner!"

OK, if we lived within even a 2-hour drive of their home, or we could have driven during the day, I wouldn't think this was too out-of-line. But, come on! Do you think I am crazy to be a bit ,um... bewildered by this request? We went to the store (thank goodness we found one that was open on T"giving Day) and brought back chips and sodas, but is this a realistic thing to require of someone who lives that far away?

We have gone to ILs house since then, and I make sure we always bring something along now. Don't want to be on her "hit list"!

 

[floridafam]

I wouldn't bring anything if I lived that far away. I would buy something upon arrival.

I am really cautious when it comes to food freshness and food poisoning.

I suppose you could bring something if you had a way of keeping it cold but then you'd have to worry about it moving around, etc. if it was a cake or something.

Cookies would work for a drive that long.

 

[ohanafamily]

It sounds like a mis-comunication to me, had you known you would have brought something. I would chalk it up to experience and next time remind them that anything you bring has to be non-perishable (by the nature of the length of your drive) I would ask before you leave...

JMHO, it is not unreasonable for them to ask you to bring something, but they should inform you of this while you are at home. I bet DMIL felt bad when she realized you didn't know...

 

[MOMTOMOOTOO]

I always bring something wherever we go. But in your situation how could you be expected to bring part of the meal? Maybe some pies or something, but come on did she really expect you to travel with a green bean casserole?

 

[Toby'sFriend]

We have Inlaws who live about 3 1/2 hours away plus I'm a lousy cook. I usually offer to bring cokes and beer and we stop somewhere on the way and fill the coolers with ice. Last Easter I purchased a Honeybaked ham and we arrived really early to heat it up in SIL's oven. I was really liked that year - those hams are the best!

Do you think I am crazy to be a bit ,um... bewildered by this request?

I think most families have their own customs and maybe to those coming in from the outside they can seem weird or even rude.

When my Grandmother was alive she would always have the family dinners. Girls ate in the kitchen and the men ate in the living room on tray tables. NOBODY crossed those gender lines.
DH thought we were all nuts and he hated being thrown into the "man room" all on his own.

 

[luv2nascar]

my parents live 6-7 hrs away by car
we usually go there for thanksgiving
we don't take anything for the dinner usually
take them other food/drink type things they miss from our area
they come here for christmas and will buy something here to contribute to dinner and my mom bakes cookies and brings them

I wouldn't expect a guest more than 1 hr away to bring anything other than something like a bottle of wine

 

[kadaten]

If we are close, we bring something. If we're traveling far to get to the meal, we make something upon arrival, or provide drinks (beer, sodas, etc.). I never show up empty-handed, whether it's being hosted by friends or family.

On the flip side, when I host, I never *expect* anyone to bring anything, but love it when they do. Well, I take that back. We have some friends who live across the street who are a little on the lazy side but who are regulars (once or more a week) at our house and always come over for holiday meals, and often to eat our snacks (they are healthy eaters...but that doesn't stop them from polishing off my ice cream every weekend ). So I always politely ask them what they'd like to bring to the meal She's a great cook, but just doesn't think about helping out very much, and needs the prodding. (Same folks can't seem to get the hang of the dishwasher....we all eat, rinse plates and put them in the dishwasher that has been left open for that purpose. They always put theirs on the counter...no rinsing, no putting in the dishwasher. Figure someone will do it for them. All the family and friends that come pitch in to help clear, clean, etc. so we can get to the games, fun, presents, etc. These two never help....doesn't even occur to them. I just chalk it up to being one of their quirks and count on doing their part every time.)

Best bet for both the hosts and guests: ask in advance what you can bring!

 

[missypie]

That's so funny. My in-laws have a lake home in central Minnesota. When we visit (flying to Minneapolis from Texas, then driving 3 hours to get to the house), my MIL always mentions how, when her friends' kids visit, they bring all kinds of food...mind you, those kids live 2 hours away and come every weekend. We visit every other year. Drives me nuts. Anyway, now when we visit, we stop at a grocery store when we get near their house and buy a stack of nice steaks for the grill, and also stop at Baker's Square and bring a pie or 2. Makes me insane...we pay for 5 plane tickets, plus the rental car and we still have to bring a food offering!

 

[MomofKatie]

Now that I see what I posted, I think I was a bit touchy about it. I agree with the idea that even if someone lives far away, bringing something non-perishable along is not at all out of the question.

I think what freaked me out at the time was the fact that we had driven all night to get there and I didn't know beforehand. I have a sneaking suspicion that DH was told MIL expected a contribution to dinner, and forgot to tell me!

MIL was indeed most apologetic after we returned from our hasty run to the store, and we are still on speaking terms!!!

 

[disykat]

Out of town guests bring nothing in our family - in recognition of the travel time and expense. Same with friends. If guests are staying for several days they usually treat for pizza or a meal out for everyone at some point. The only exception is if we are meeting for a picnic, camping trip, or very large gathering where no one is at their home base.

 

[missypie]

I still wonder what MIL EXPECTED you to contribute to the meal, after having driven all night and arriving at 2 am...

 

[ohanafamily]

OK, I am a male, but we, as a gender, tend to forget to impart these valuable facts to our DW's. I think she probably expected a token, like sodas, or a desert. She seems reasonable from the post. I blame the husband for not either taking care of it, or lettng the OP know so she could arrange with DMIL. Heck, he may not have even been aware of the tradition.....

 

[Chattyaholic]

I've never been in that situation, but I think if I had to travel several hours to get to a relative's for a holiday dinner I would still contribute something. You don't have to take something that has to be kept cold or hot. Packaged dinner rolls, pies, baked cakes come to mind. Or even a relish tray that you put together once you get there, with unopened jars of different kinds of olives, dill/sweet pickles, apple rings, corn relish, etc. Or throw a bag of ice in a cooler and take along carrots, celery, cheeses, etc. to add to the tray. It's not that difficult, really. I wouldn't want to go to a dinner "empty handed" but that's just me.

 

[Pluto2003]

the table arrangment. I have the local number to the florist and I send flowers as my contribution to the meal as we also must fly for holidays.

 

[minniecarousel]

There are some excellent ideas here!

I host ALL of my family's get-togethers and it irritates me when a sibling doesn't ask what he can bring for dinner. At the very least, they should bring something to drink! However, occasionally, someone will give me money to help pay for the food that I've already bought (not to mention the tables & chairs that I need to rent every Thanksgiving!)

 

[Kermit]

I think that every family is different, and your MIL should have probably realized that your DH might not think to tell you that you that people bring things in their family, even when they travel. I grew up over 500 miles from either of my parents' families, and we were never expected to bring anything. In fact, a lot of the people on my mom's side like to host big dinners without help. If they want help, they ask people to bring specific things. I wouldn't have thought to bring anything, either, because it's just something that wouldn't have been expected in my own family.

Your MIL should have asked you ahead of time to help out. I'm sure that she had talked to everyone else about what they were bringing. Otherwise, everyone might have shown up with green bean casserole like in that commercial. I'm sure that she didn't just wait until people walked in the door to see what they were bringing.

 

[TinkHappy]

Flowers and Wine should be it and maybe fruit drink or punch for the kids to drink.
My MIL lives next door (I love her, thank goodness) and we bring all kinds of stuff, but when I go to my father's in Buffalo (about 7hrs away)We bring flowers (for his wife) and wine and stuff for the kids. I can't imagine baking a pie (or something) and transporting it that far.

 

[Disneycrazymom]

I have taken the paper products to my SIL which is a 2 hour drive. As long as you are there early enough to put them out it works out well. I can put the bag in the car the night before, no worry about spoilage.

 

[Kallison]

Can you find a good bakery and order pies or dessert, pay for them and ask MIL to pick them up. I think she would be thrilled that you made the effort to drive that far.

 

[Aimeedyan]

LOL @ your MIL. Boy, some of them are real doozies, aren't they?

We drive about an hour and a half to family functions, and we always bring something like rolls, cokes, cookies or baked goods, etc. I have brought ingredients with me and just cooked when I got there before, at my familys events... I dont feel comfy doing that with his family, so we pick fridge free foods =)

Flowers, wine, etc are great too =)