Brides who DON'T want their dad to walk them down the aisle...

[Disney Doll]

My father walked me down. He is a great father who always made sure we knew we were loved. Plus, he is old fashioned and it would have hurt his feelings not to do that, not that he ever would have told me that. He would have said "Whatever makes you happy is fine with me".

As far as the "giving away" and "receiving" of the bride...neither my father nor my husband ever thought I was a piece of property. I have always looked at it as one man who loves me entrusting me to another man who loves me.

Ultimately, whatever works for the bride and her family works for me and I don't think other people should be nasty about those choices.

 

[2cats1kid]

I totally agree that it should be the bride and groom's wedding, but I'm deeply uncomfortable with any marriage starting by hurting and alienating the ones closest to you.

Wish I had had the choice. My dad was taken ill in December 96 with our wedding scheduled for June 97. Mum asked me to bring the wedding forward to March and after much soul searching I declined. As it turns out Dad died in Jan 97, so it wouldn't have made any difference, but I would have paid any money for him to have been there. And probably more for him to have met my lovely daughter - the only one of his grandchildren he never saw.

 

[minkydog]

My biggest fear is that my sisters will ask me to walk them down the aisle. Our dad is currently in poor health and if he passes before they get married... I don't know what they will do. One of my biggest hopes is that he is around long enough to do this for them. I mean, they are only 29 and 27... and asking your younger brother to do it... oy.

How much younger are you? I married at 24 and I was thrilled to have my 19yo brother walk me down the aisle. My dad was an inconsiderate pompous oaf; my brother was generous and always had my back. It was not a hard choice to make. When the preacher asked "who gives this bride?" my brother shouted, "Her whole family does!" Guess he wanted to get rid of me.

 

[bigbabyblues]

My grandparents raised me, so my grandpa got the right to walk me down the aisle. My mother wanted to argue about it about 20 minutes before I went down the aisle, but I told her that decision was made 20 years before when she and my dad (they were still married, had been for 22 years at that point) willingly gave me to my grandparents to raise.

It had never been a secret why they gave me up and kept my twin brother, and I wasn't giving in to her. I love my dad, but it was my wedding and I wanted it that way.

 

[2cats1kid]

My grandparents raised me, so my grandpa got the right to walk me down the aisle. My mother wanted to argue about it about 20 minutes before I went down the aisle, but I told her that decision was made 20 years before when she and my dad (they were still married, had been for 22 years at that point) willingly gave me to my grandparents to raise.

It had never been a secret why they gave me up and kept my twin brother, and I wasn't giving in to her. I love my dad, but it was my wedding and I wanted it that way.

That must have been so painful for you Sorry for your hurt.

 

[pigletgirl]

My grandparents raised me, so my grandpa got the right to walk me down the aisle. My mother wanted to argue about it about 20 minutes before I went down the aisle, but I told her that decision was made 20 years before when she and my dad (they were still married, had been for 22 years at that point) willingly gave me to my grandparents to raise.

It had never been a secret why they gave me up and kept my twin brother, and I wasn't giving in to her. I love my dad, but it was my wedding and I wanted it that way.

Wow, thats really touching! Good for you for sticking to your ground.

 

[disykat]

I totally agree that it should be the bride and groom's wedding, but I'm deeply uncomfortable with any marriage starting by hurting and alienating the ones closest to you.
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I think many people are missing that for many people this decision does not hurt anyone, nor does it mean the bride is not close to her father.

I'm very close to my Dad and he was not the least bit hurt. He backed me 100% and probably would have suggested it if I hadn't! I got many of my ideals from HIM!

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I totally agree that it should be the bride and groom's wedding, but I'm deeply uncomfortable with any marriage starting by hurting and alienating the ones closest to you.

Wish I had had the choice. My dad was taken ill in December 96 with our wedding scheduled for June 97. Mum asked me to bring the wedding forward to March and after much soul searching I declined. As it turns out Dad died in Jan 97, so it wouldn't have made any difference, but I would have paid any money for him to have been there. And probably more for him to have met my lovely daughter - the only one of his grandchildren he never saw.

Sorry about your dad.

Sometimes it helps to reflect that not everyone has an ideal family dynamic and oftentimes the "alienating and hurting" occurred long before the wedding day and was committed by the other person.

I try not to feel guilty when folks make comments like that. But sometimes it is difficult to hear comments like that as though I (or others like me) are doing something wrong by expressing their feelings over what wasn't right about their dad.

I don't go about hurting my dad deliberately--but I've finally come to a place in my life where I should not feel obligated to be put up with his hurt to spare his feelings just b/c he is a blood relative.

On that note--my dad stiffed my FIL on paying the balance of the reception as promised. But at least my dad got to walk me down the aisle and dance with me. Never mind the agreements he had or his continued lack of fulfilling promises. Nothing I could do about it. I was married in 1998 and I just heard about it this year. Out of respect for my FIL, I Am not to mention it to my father at all. You see--my FIL is a loving gentleman who likes to do the right thing. HE should have walked me down the aisle.

 

[Took]

I think many people are missing that for many people this decision does not hurt anyone, nor does it mean the bride is not close to her father.

I'm very close to my Dad and he was not the least bit hurt. He backed me 100% and probably would have suggested it if I hadn't! I got many of my ideals from HIM!

My thoughts exactly. My dad didn't really care about "giving away" his 30 year old daughter, but he was happy to do it. In the end, although my DH and I have a rather "modern" marriage (I didn't change my last name, we both have careers, etc.), we opted to do the whole traditional wedding, complete with veil, giving away, and father saying "I give her away." We kind liked the tradition although it had little deep meaning for us. Hope that makes sense.

I do think people have to do what will mean something to them and to their families (however one defines that term). If grandpa raised you and you want someone to "give you away" then, by all means, ask grandpa. I really think we are more comfortable as a society with difference and compromise nowadays and that's fine by me.

 

[Wonders10]

Haven't read through all the replies but wanted to share my thoughts. For what it's worth, I am single and my father passed away a few years ago, so he definitely isn't an option to walk me down the aisle anymore. However that being said, my plan from the time I can remember thinking about my wedding day was to have my older brother walk me down and give me away. My parents were divorced from the time I was a baby and he was not around much, despite living very nearby. My mom and dad even worked at the same place.Major holidays and my birthday I always heard from him...but when it came to being a true parent, a father, my brother was that for me. He helped me choose the college I went to, helped me learn to drive, went on college visits, actually dropped me off my freshman year of college, came to visit me with my mom once a school year in college (I went to school out of state), talked me down when I had stressful moments in grad school and discussing career stuff that I didn't get. So for me, he was a no brainer as the person to give me away as a representative of my family. Now, he is literally the only male I have in my family to do that honor, but I wouldn't have it any other way. As for what other people (wedding guests) would think of me not having my father give me away (if he were alive), all of my friends and family are aware of our relationship so they would not be surprised at all.

 

[LiLIrishChick63]

Oh Good Lord! I wore a small veil and my dad was disgusted that I didn't have it covering my face. Fortunately, my step-mother told him to get with the times.

Have to laugh at your MOH. I swear my job when I did it for a friend was simply being a bad guy telling her future in-laws "NO NO NO".

idk why the whole "veil" thing is still popular. she kept complaining the ENTIRE time of the wedding that i didn't have a veil. i told her "your other daughter wore one, i don't need to wear one" i had a pretty tiara anyway lol

that was the only thing she had to really put her foot down for the wedding. well she had to come to the rescue DURING the shower when my mother got angry at me when we played this game where i had to leave the room and everyone had to write down what they thought i was wearing. she came up to the bar in the hall where i had it going "WHY AREN'T YOU IN THE ROOM WITH YOUR GUESTS?!" so my MOH came running no "no no it's for a game don't get angry!"

 

[2cats1kid]

OK, sloppy post on my part. I didn't mean that all occasions where the dad didn't walk would hurt, just that that decision had the potential to.

Not a dad thing, but I can remember one friend being very hurt when one of her best friends didn't invite her to his wedding. Yet a couple of years later asked her to be godmother to his first child. So what's that about? Close enough to be godmother but not to be at the (big) wedding?

Sometimes people don't think how other people will take their decisions, is all.

 

[Uuaww]

How much younger are you? I married at 24 and I was thrilled to have my 19yo brother walk me down the aisle. My dad was an inconsiderate pompous oaf; my brother was generous and always had my back. It was not a hard choice to make. When the preacher asked "who gives this bride?" my brother shouted, "Her whole family does!" Guess he wanted to get rid of me.

I'm 24... it's thye thought that kills me.

 

[castleview]

OK, sloppy post on my part. I didn't mean that all occasions where the dad didn't walk would hurt, just that that decision had the potential to.

Not a dad thing, but I can remember one friend being very hurt when one of her best friends didn't invite her to his wedding. Yet a couple of years later asked her to be godmother to his first child. So what's that about? Close enough to be godmother but not to be at the (big) wedding?

Sometimes people don't think how other people will take their decisions, is all.

People go crazy because they think of what they're "supposed to do" as opposed to what they want to do. When my (guy) friend got married, his mother excluded several life-long family friends of the groom because she figured if she invited one, she has to invite them all. Somehow she grouped the ones he saw all the time versus the ones he never saw. Of course, this is the same woman who would break out the camera on holidays and say something like "just the cousins" leaving a bunch of other kids feeling left out.

My mom can be a "supposed to" woman too. I was pretty laid back about my wedding, but even I told her put away the etiquette book or it was going up her you-know-what.

 

[Sarah7401]

My dad had had several strokes a couple of months before the wedding and he wasn't able to walk me down the aisle. My brother walked me down the aisle and lifted my veil. My father met us at the end of the aisle. He wasn't able to speak so the pastor took care of everything else. It's very sad for me because I know he would have made my wedding day so very special.

 

[focusondisney]

When I got married 30plus years ago, I had both my parents walk me down the aisle. Had heard it was done in Jewish ceremonies (no, we aren't Jewish) but I thought it sounded like a nice way to honor both parents. My parents were both happy & thrilled with this.


Fast forward 31 years & my only DD's wedding last summer. My dad, still happy that he & my mom walked me, asked DD if she was doing the same thing. DD answered that no, only my DH would be walking her, telling him "my mom wants to watch my dad walk me down the aisle". We hadn't even discussed it but we are so close, she knew exactly what to say. It was her choice, of course, but she was exactly right about what I wanted to do. I really DID want to have my DS walk me down before the wedding & be in the front seat & watch my DH walk our only daughter. It was a magical moment for me & one that I'm so thankful for.

 

[neener3]

I'm thrilled I saw this post because I've been made to feel AWFUL about my father not walking me down the aisle.

Long story short(ter), is that my mom raised me. I didn't see my Dad between the ages of 6-11, 12-16, and then a long period of not speaking or seeing him from 18-23 (after he told me my mother should have had an abortion. Yup. We've moved onwards from that, believe it or not - I'm 25 now.)

I really never thought anything about the walking down the aisle thing, but my mom has always expressed that she wants to, and I think it's her right! Never thought it would be a big deal.

So fast-forward to two weeks after we get engaged (yes, two weeks!) and my father has the AUDACITY TO ASK ME if he can "have the honour of walking me down the aisle."

I was so caught off guard that I stammered something along the lines of "Ummm...uhhh...sheesh...we aren't doing anything traditional like THAT."

To which he was incredibly hurt and basically hung up on me. I suppose I should mention he's never even MET DF, and it's not like we just hooked up or anything...we've been together for 7 years, and living with each other for 2!

Sorry this is so long and drawn out...I feel awful for not standing up like I should have, and incensed that he would even ask. And now my mom "doesn't want there to be bad blood" so has suggested that my little brother walk me (he's 11) to avoid the conflict. But, seriously? She deserves it. Ugh. Weddings.

As a side note, my BF is getting married this summer and her Catholic priest really discouraged her Dad "giving her away" - he told her she wasn't cattle, and couldn't be given or sold to the highest bidder! So they compromised that he would walk her halfway and she would walk the other half alone.