Birthday invite list...how do you deal with it?

[roliepolieoliefan]

Goodness. Why can't this be a lesson that sometimes you'll be disappointed because life's not fair. And sometimes when you think you're doing the right thing others won't.

Mom of four and we've been on both sides.

I agree.

We've never done the whole class or even just the girls.
We have a ton of neighbors DD's age and most of the time those girls were the majority of her invites.
If she was close to someone in her class, she could invite 2-3 from her class.

Im not in the camp that DD needs to invite someone to her party even if she doesnt like her just because shes a classmate.
And vice versa, DD has turned down invitations because she didnt really know the girl well or hang out with her at school.

 

[snoopy5386]

We are facing this now. Our biggest problem is friends outside of school, we are friends with whole families and the norm in our circle is to invite the whole family, so 2-4 kids per family, plus school friends, it adds up quick! I feel so horribly guilty about leaving people out too. In my experience with one 2nd grader invite the whole class parties are very rare. Also in my kid's school they switch classes during the day, one class of kids for math and another class of kids for language arts. Some of the kids are the same in both classes, but not all, so if we were to invite the whole class it would be in the neighborhood of 35 kids just from school. Not happening.

 

[mjkacmom]

I'm probably in the few, but I think it's the whole class (or perhaps just girls and or just boys). My daughter, 8, recently experienced not being invited to a party. It really did hurt her feelings a lot. There is no way one can keep a party hush hush because kids talk.

Of course they talk. But at this age, kids start inviting their friends, and not just their classmates. By the time my kids were 8, they had friends in their classes, and the other classes. Do you really need to invite all of those kids? It can be expensive!

Dd11 wasn't invited to parties for two girls, parties that all of her 8 bff's were invited to, every year. She was initially disappointed, until I asked her if she invited them to her parties, or if they had ever been to our home. Ding-dong - she realized that she wasn't friends with them!

Unfortunately for dd, these were some of the best parties - limos, waterparks, indoor trampolines.... She is now friends with one of them, and is now on the invite list (I'm not that fond of the child - she has been really mean to some of dd's friends - but I'm staying out of it).

 

[JillyBean1899]

We invite all or there is no party. At that age they talk and no one can keep a secret.

This is how our house was, too. My birthday is April 1, my sister's is April 6 (she's 2 years younger than me), so we had joint birthday parties. My mom just booked the skating rink for 2 hours, they provided hot dogs/pizza and sodas, we brought a cake, and everyone ran around like maniacs for 2 hours. Mom didn't have to do any decorating (it was generic birthday stuff, we could have brought our own themed stuff if we'd wanted) and didn't have to do any clean up.

 

[mjkacmom]

This is how our house was, too. My birthday is April 1, my sister's is April 6 (she's 2 years younger than me), so we had joint birthday parties. My mom just booked the skating rink for 2 hours, they provided hot dogs/pizza and sodas, we brought a cake, and everyone ran around like maniacs for 2 hours. Mom didn't have to do any decorating (it was generic birthday stuff, we could have brought our own themed stuff if we'd wanted) and didn't have to do any clean up.

I'm guessing prices have increased? A 2 hour skating party here is $200 for 10 kids, $20 each additional kid (we've had several).

 

[zoemurr]

Goodness. Why can't this be a lesson that sometimes you'll be disappointed because life's not fair. And sometimes when you think you're doing the right thing others won't.

Mom of four and we've been on both sides.

This. When DD was in 2nd grade she was with all new kids. I had her invite all the girls in her class (I seem to remember there were only 8 or so that year) even though she didn't want to. Some of them clearly weren't friends with her, and were too "cool" to be there. They were rude and unfriendly. Definitely put a damper on the party.

As soon as they left DD gave me the look and said, "I told you we shouldn't have invited them."

From then on we invited friends. Friends from wherever. I couldn't imagine sending out 20 invites to kids I've never met at school and hoping for the best. We've never sent them to people we didn't have addresses or e-mails for (but our school provided them). Never had a problem w/RSVP either. I would always make sure the date worked for her two best friends and if anyone else could come that would be gravy. Usually one or two people wouldn't respond so I would give them a call. Seems replying is very regional though.

One year DS' best "girl" friend told him all about the party she was having. He had always gone to her parties but an invite didn't come. Her mom said she was just having a girl party. He was upset for a bit but got over it.

Everyone doesn't need to go to a party.. everyone doesn't need a trophy.. even in the same family sometimes it's just not fair.

 

[JillyBean1899]

I'm guessing prices have increased? A 2 hour skating party here is $200 for 10 kids, $20 each additional kid (we've had several).

That's probably the price for a party during an open skating session. We actually rented the *ENTIRE* rink, like it was open for only us during a time it was normally closed. Granted, this was 15-20 years ago, but she says it was about $150 for 3 hours, and that it was about the same cost as it would have been to do 2 separate parties with 10-12 guests for each of us during a regular session. But that it was *TOTALLY* worth it because we could invite everyone we wanted, and she didn't have to worry about anything.

OP, you might want to check with wherever it is you're having the party and see if they offer any sort of "rent the place out" special pricing that would allow your son you have more friends along. It might be too late for this year, but would be something to keep in mind for next year.

 

[AZMermaid]

One of my students is doing the joint party thing with his sister this year. He invited the whole class plus his friends from other classes and sports- I am going to guess like 40 kids (26 in my class plus outsiders) and his sister did the same (she's in pre-k, so I am going to guess her invite list was closer to 25). That's 65 kids!!!!! And- I am likely being conservative. It is a dance party at their house with a DJ and the whole deal and all the parents are invited as well. I can not wait to hear about this. Well, I was invited too- but I don't go to my students' parties as a rule, so I will skip. They are asking for bed linens for a local shelter in lieu of presents, which is very thoughtful.

Each child is then doing a smaller thing with their two best friends. My student is taking two kids to a professional sports game. It is such a small group, that although I think some kids are envious, there isn't really hurt feelings persay. No more than a playdate would cause. I think with 3 or less invites, this is the feeling they all have, but more than that, feelings are hurt- and that's okay too. You can't always get what you want in life.

 

[Swimalie]

Goodness. Why can't this be a lesson that sometimes you'll be disappointed because life's not fair. And sometimes when you think you're doing the right thing others won't.

Mom of four and we've been on both sides.

I agree. While I would never intentionally hurt any kid, we have to set boundaries for parties. We always have them at our house which limits the amount of kids allowed.

 

[kirstenb1]

This is difficult but I'm of the whole class or nothing camp. At this age everyone talks and feelings are hurt.

This past week my dd who is four was invited to a party. Her twin in the same class was not. Lots of upset. He can't understand why he isn't included. We won't be attending that party for the sake of family unity.

It's done now and everyone will get over it. I wouldn't worry about it.

This is what we did when our kids were that age. As they got older, again sort of whole class, but it became all the girls in the class (I don't have sons). I would have done whole class, or whole hockey team, or what have you. The kids are so young, when you leave 4 kids out of 18, I think that's kind of insensitive.

 

[ArmyWife7]

This is how our house was, too. My birthday is April 1, my sister's is April 6 (she's 2 years younger than me), so we had joint birthday parties. My mom just booked the skating rink for 2 hours, they provided hot dogs/pizza and sodas, we brought a cake, and everyone ran around like maniacs for 2 hours. Mom didn't have to do any decorating (it was generic birthday stuff, we could have brought our own themed stuff if we'd wanted) and didn't have to do any clean up.

My DDs are 10 days shy of being exactly 2 years apart and they get joint parties as well. Like your mom, I don't mind spending a little more because I'm still paying less than what I would pay if I had to give 2 separate parties.

My oldest will be 7 in May and her class still pretty much invites the whole class. I'm sure that will change in the next year or two. Like another poster stated, I hate the stress of wondering how many will attend. I'd hate to rent a place and only 1 kid show or the opposite where I'm only allowed 20 kids and 25 show. Our indoor swimming place charges for every parent that stays with their child! Anyway, I solved this problem by having home parties with a fun activity (water slides, bounce houses, etc.). This year we are having a western party with pony rides. I'm paying the same price (maybe even less) than if we were to have it at one of the big party places. And no one has had a pony party yet so I'm hoping it will be a big hit.

 

[AmberHeartsDisney]

We always had my birthday parties at home, that way no matter who showed up it was fine because we have snack and cake and ice cream.

I feel like your darned if you do, darned if you don't.

 

[LilyWDW]

Goodness. Why can't this be a lesson that sometimes you'll be disappointed because life's not fair. And sometimes when you think you're doing the right thing others won't.

Mom of four and we've been on both sides.

I agree.

This whole "invite the whole class" thing didn't happen when I was a kid. You invited the kids you were friends with and that was it. No one got all upset over it (at least not that I ever dealt with) or complained that is "wasn't fair". They got over it and life went on.

 

[Sadie22]

Our kids knew that any time they faced peer pressure, for any reason, they could blame Mom and Dad for whatever it was. So "Mom and Dad are only letting me invite ____."

We did not do big parties for every birthday, however. I think each of my children had one whole class plus a couple kids at an outside venue once. (Designated parents helped chaperone.) Otherwise we had small home parties with six guests max. Some families use the age plus one guest. I got to know the parents since we met them at library events, preschool, vacation camps, at the local pool or community center, at church, or at school because I volunteered there and later was involved with scouts. We would have had the child over for a play date and met at least one parent before inviting that child to a party, and I had the parents' contact information.

 

[MSSANDRA]

We have always tried to keep "units" intact. for example, we would invite the whole class OR all the boys, or the whole baseball team, or all the church friends etc. Some years we did JUST the ball team friends, or JUST the church friends but we tried to pretty much keep like kids together. Sometime there would be one special friend within a group that they interacted with outside of that group and we might include that one child. It's always one of those sticky parenting things and we always reminded our boys that you never discuss a party in front of kids that are not invited. We did have a mom call once when her child was not invited. We invited just the boys from his class and this kid was not in his class or really a friend at all but was good friends with a boy in his class. It was a pool party and #s did not matter at all but we were a bit shocked but we did say sure.