Birthday dilemma -- need opinions

[Marseeya]

I need some objective opinions on both sides of the coin here.

DS's birthday is a day before mine, and I've always been pretty careful to make sure he gets individual attention and we try not to share things like cakes, dinners, or whatnot. He'll be turning 15 this year.

Some of you may or may not have been following my saga with him, but let's just say we're having a lot of problems with him lately. He's bipolar and is really struggling academically and behaviorally. He's really not getting along with anyone, but especially DH and DD. For the past several years, he's not been wanting to do any kind of celebrating for his birthday, although he will go out to dinner with us. Last year, he didn't even want to do that.

Yesterday I was trying to convince him to have a party, or take out some of his friends to a Japanese restaurant we all like. No way. Then I asked him, what about just the family. NO. Then out of frustration, I said, "What about just the two of us, just you and me?" and he didn't respond, which usually means "okay."

So, now I get the idea that this is something he'd actually like to do, but it would really hurt DH's and DD's feelings not to be included. What to do? What to do?

Should I pursue this? Or just leave it alone?

 

[nkjzmom]

I would say take him out...just the two of you. Surely DH and DD will understand that he may just need some time alone with you.

 

[Christine]

I would just take him out and do what he wants to do.

Birthday celebrations should be about what the "birthday person" wants to do, not what everyone else wants to do.

Also, your DH and DD should not be hurt. It is really not all that unusual for a child/teen/whatever age to want to spend some one-on-one time with mom. And in your son's instance, because he has been having issues, I think it's more important to spend time with him in whatever manner he accepts.

 

[kpm76]

I would go out just the two of you....sounds like he might need some one on one time with you and if this will bring him some happiness during a difficult time, I say go for it. Hopefully your DH and DD will understand. Will your DS agree to have cake when you get back from dinner? Might be a nice way to include the whole family and not make DD feel totally left out...

 

[icebrat001]

Just the two of you.

 

[smilingmouse]

I agree with the other posters, I would take him out for some one-on-one time with you if that's what he wants...

 

[hercamore]

I also would take him out wiht just me if that's what he wants. I'd be sure to have a birthday dessert at home after for all to share, tho.

herc.

 

[Colleen456]

I'd take him out alone. I'd also have a conversation with DH and explain that this could be a chance to have a real conversation with him about whatever is on his mind.

Your DH could take your DD out on a "date" I do those with my son often and when DD is a bit older DH will take her out on a "date". Maybe that way no feeling will be hurt.

 

[disykat]

I'd do both - like someone else suggested. Do a special activity for the two of you and then cake at home with the whole family. If he doesn't want the hoopla of a cake, maybe even sitting down to a movie and popcorn or some other treat with the whole family after you get home.

 

[staci]

Just take him out the two of you. Your dh should understand, and maybe he can have some one on one time iwth dd.

 

[tiggerlover]

I need some objective opinions on both sides of the coin here.

He's really not getting along with anyone, but especially DH and DD.

Yesterday I was trying to convince him to have a party, or take out some of his friends to a Japanese restaurant we all like. No way. Then I asked him, what about just the family. NO. Then out of frustration, I said, "What about just the two of us, just you and me?" and he didn't respond, which usually means "okay."

So, now I get the idea that this is something he'd actually like to do, but it would really hurt DH's and DD's feelings not to be included. What to do? What to do?

Should I pursue this? Or just leave it alone?

I would say go out with just the two of you. However, before hand I would talk with DH and tell him about the conversation that you had with DS. Point out to DH that DS, DD and DH aren't getting along to begin with and to save everyone from not having a good time you thought this might be a good alternative this year. Maybe this is something your DS really needs. And since it is his birthday and you were offering a choice, shouldn't he be able to go with the choice he was given? If you were to say no now that would spoil his trust in you since you did ask him.

 

[JerryMoCricketsGal]

I need some objective opinions on both sides of the coin here.

DS's birthday is a day before mine, and I've always been pretty careful to make sure he gets individual attention and we try not to share things like cakes, dinners, or whatnot. He'll be turning 15 this year.

Some of you may or may not have been following my saga with him, but let's just say we're having a lot of problems with him lately. He's bipolar and is really struggling academically and behaviorally. He's really not getting along with anyone, but especially DH and DD. For the past several years, he's not been wanting to do any kind of celebrating for his birthday, although he will go out to dinner with us. Last year, he didn't even want to do that.

Yesterday I was trying to convince him to have a party, or take out some of his friends to a Japanese restaurant we all like. No way. Then I asked him, what about just the family. NO. Then out of frustration, I said, "What about just the two of us, just you and me?" and he didn't respond, which usually means "okay."

So, now I get the idea that this is something he'd actually like to do, but it would really hurt DH's and DD's feelings not to be included. What to do? What to do?

Should I pursue this? Or just leave it alone?

Can you just put the kid up on ebay? problem solved!!! or better yet...now that pip is back, maybe we can get her to bite his lip and hide him!!!!

don't have any suggestions but wish you well hon...

 

[LindsayDunn228]

Can you just put the kid up on ebay? problem solved!!! or better yet...now that pip is back, maybe we can get her to bite his lip and hide him!!!!

don't have any suggestions but wish you well hon...

Sorry JerryMo, but I really don't think this is the time.

Marseeya, I say the two of you go out to dinner alone. Speak with your DD and DH beforehand and explain what's going. Do something with them for your birthday so they will feel included.

I'm on AIM right now if you need to vent

 

[Beth76]

How about on your son's birthday just the two of you go out. Then on your b-day you can go out with your husband and daughter.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Well, I am in the camp of just up and saying "Happy Birthday", Let's all go to dinner and you all just go.
Is that possible?

 

[Bashful2]

I agree with everyone else. If that's what your DS wants to do on his birthday, I think that is what you should do. Maybe, even though he won't come out and say it, he really needs some one on one time with his Mom. I know that when DD was at her worst, she was hurting inside because she couldn't control herself. There were times, even though she loves her father, that she just really needed to be with me.

 

[MerryPoppins]

Would picking him up from school and doing lunch be an option? I have always done that with DD and it's sort of our special birthday celebration. That way, no one will be hurt. Then I'd do cake or something with the whole family at night.

 

[allie&mattsmom]

How about on your son's birthday just the two of you go out. Then on your b-day you can go out with your husband and daughter.

This is what I suggest too if you think it would work. Good luck and I hope your son has a wonderful bday!

 

[lilostitch]

I think you should take him with just you. With any teen, just be glad he wants to do something with one of you


Have DH take DD out that night so they can have a daddy/daughter night. It will be fun for all

 

[Marseeya]

I want to thank you all for your opinions. I know sometimes people on here don't understand the need for advice or support in cases like this. I have to tell you that it's really wonderful in my case. It's not that I can't think for myself or come up with my own solutions, but sometimes I do feel very torn in two when it comes to my family and a good objective opinion (yes, even if it's against what I think is right ) can really help me gain some perspective.

And thanks to those who suggested daddy/daughter night out! I love it!

MysteryMachine: That's what we usually do, but this year I just want to make it special for him and do what HE wants rather than what I want. 15 seems like a milestone to me -- my baby is really growing up.