BIL starting over- from scratch

[phamy76]

My BIL has been divorced for 2 yrs, and 2 yrs ago, at age 45 has moved back home w/ His parents (MIL and FIL). They are both retired.

He has a full time job. But apparently he's pretty far behind in back child support, and barely has any money left at the end of each paycheck.
He only has to pay for his car, car insurance, cellphone and his own food. His parents pay for EVERYTHING else.


They are so worried that he will NEVER be able to move out on his own. They are both retired, and thought they would be spending their golden years together, not supporting their adult child.

He has no concept of the real world and paying a mortgage, bills, etc.

What can they do to give him a push??

 

[auralia]

charge him... yep rent food let him pay his share ... now if they don't need that money they can put it in an account and put it towards his back child support so that it will get paid down quicker so that he can be out of debt sooner so he can be out of their house sooner. What does he blow money on? if he blows money on anything that should be going to rent to the parents... and like i said hopefully the parents can turn it around and put it to his debt if he wont do it himself... now that doesn't teach him much but it heads toward getting him out of the house.

 

[Marionnette]

My BIL has been divorced for 2 yrs, and 2 yrs ago, at age 45 has moved back home w/ His parents (MIL and FIL). They are both retired.

He has a full time job. But apparently he's pretty far behind in back child support, and barely has any money left at the end of each paycheck.
He only has to pay for his car, car insurance, cellphone and his own food. His parents pay for EVERYTHING else.


They are so worried that he will NEVER be able to move out on his own. They are both retired, and thought they would be spending their golden years together, not supporting their adult child.

He has no concept of the real world and paying a mortgage, bills, etc.

What can they do to give him a push??

No one can take advantage of you without your permission. If your in-laws wanted to boot him out the door they could.

 

[a1tinkfans]

My BIL has been divorced for 2 yrs, and 2 yrs ago, at age 45 has moved back home w/ His parents (MIL and FIL). They are both retired.

He has a full time job. But apparently he's pretty far behind in back child support, and barely has any money left at the end of each paycheck.
He only has to pay for his car, car insurance, cellphone and his own food. His parents pay for EVERYTHING else.


They are so worried that he will NEVER be able to move out on his own. They are both retired, and thought they would be spending their golden years together, not supporting their adult child.

He has no concept of the real world and paying a mortgage, bills, etc.

What can they do to give him a push??

UH, how about, giving him an adult reality check....life is often not easy, he'll have to suck it up and get his life in order, His parents deserve that (and so does he and his kids) perhaps they can give him a year (which I think is way long by the way) but ..explain that they want him to be on his own by then. Perhaps IF he has that in the back of his mind, he will be better able to figure out how he will live HIS life on his own or maybe with someone else rather than his parents...

 

[fkj2]

They are so worried that he will NEVER be able to move out on his own. They are both retired, and thought they would be spending their golden years together, not supporting their adult child.

He has no concept of the real world and paying a mortgage, bills, etc.

He was married? With children? And he has no concept of the real world?

Having said that, I work in home health. There are A LOT of grown children living with elders because, otherwise, neither would be able to afford to make it on their own.

 

[eliza61]

My BIL has been divorced for 2 yrs, and 2 yrs ago, at age 45 has moved back home w/ His parents (MIL and FIL). They are both retired.

He has a full time job. But apparently he's pretty far behind in back child support, and barely has any money left at the end of each paycheck.
He only has to pay for his car, car insurance, cellphone and his own food. His parents pay for EVERYTHING else.


They are so worried that he will NEVER be able to move out on his own. They are both retired, and thought they would be spending their golden years together, not supporting their adult child.

He has no concept of the real world and paying a mortgage, bills, etc.

What can they do to give him a push??

1st get himself back to court. He should be able to work out payment that allows him to get an apartment.
2nd. He should be rethinking car, car insurance and cellphone. I know some places both these are necessities but can he sell his car and trade down so he has no note? Cellphone. how about a trac phone bare minimum 29 dollar a month plan?

Most financial gurus advise having a plan in place before allowing older kids from moving back in. Tell parents to draw up a plan

 

[phamy76]

He was married? With children? And he has no concept of the real world?

Having said that, I work in home health. There are A LOT of grown children living with elders because, otherwise, neither would be able to afford to make it on their own.

He was married for years, and they had one child together.
They rented, never owned. They leased two cars, never owned. He worked two jobs so she could be a stay at home mom.

When they split, he took over the apartment until the lease expired. They got rid of the cars, and his support was based on the two jobs he had.

They didn't have much to split up, no real savings. Little retirement, no 401, etc.

 

[RachaelA]

He was married for years, and they had one child together.
They rented, never owned. They leased two cars, never owned. He worked two jobs so she could be a stay at home mom.

When they split, he took over the apartment until the lease expired. They got rid of the cars, and his support was based on the two jobs he had.

They didn't have much to split up, no real savings. Little retirement, no 401, etc.

Well if he's not working the two job anymore, he can have the child support readjusted.

It seems like your ILs need to kick his butt out and let him sink or swim.

 

[bumbershoot]

They rented, never owned. They leased two cars, never owned. He worked two jobs so she could be a stay at home mom.
.

Sounds like he was entrenched in real life. I pay more in rent than many of my friends pay on their mortgage. Leasing should be cheaper than owning, but you ALWAYS pay if you keep leasing, so while people who *buy* cars finally pay them off and get some time without a car payment, those who lease do not. And working two jobs is rather responsible.

Sounds to me like he mainly needed a break more than anything....



I think it's nice that he has the fallback of his parents' place, actually. So many other world cultures keep family close...even though I don't much like my MIL should we ever buy a place, we *might* look for one with some sort of MIL apartment...but only if it's fully detached and self-sustaining LOL... My family is scattered to the winds (but it started that way from before my mom and dad were even married), but I love the idea of family *wanting* to be close, and always there to help one another dust themselves off after a fall...



All that said, he SHOULD be working and paying for more of his fair share. Either a room&board fee, or paying for each specific thing he uses from their home...

 

[Colleen27]

What they can do depends on the numbers - what he really has left after paying support and if there is anything he can do to increase his income. He should absolutely be contributing to the household, even if it means driving an older car or making do with a PAYG cell phone, but it is very possible that he can't afford to live on his own until his child support is caught up.

 

[JENOS]

Well at least give him a little credit for moving home so he could catch up on child support. Seems to me that the kids needs come first and foremost. This is probably why his parents took him in, maybe some SUPPORT is more in order since he has no concept of the real world.

 

[aprilgail2]

My friend just had to move back home with his parents because once he pays child support and keeps up the mortgage on the house that his ex and the kids live in (court ordered) he has no money left for himself to get an apartment! Its tough trying to keep up payments on two households for a lot of people. I would start making him pay a small amount of rent and use it to pay off whatever child support he still owes so he can get that payment reduced and get a small place of his own.
We have a guy at work who is old enough to retire but can't/won't because while he is working he pays 26% of his pay for child support-but when he retires his ex wife gets half his pension plus 26% child support so that only would leave him with 24% of his own money! Who can live on 24%??? So he has to wait until the kids are 21 so he can at least keep 50% of his own money.

 

[ssawka]

He worked two jobs so she could be a stay at home mom.

Well, isn't that a kick in the teeth? He worked two jobs so his ex didn't have to work and now he is expected to pay based on keeping those 2 jobs? Did he helps his ex with the kid? They never considered working opposite shifts and taking turns caring for their child? Is his ex now working, or is she still a stay-at-home mom?

Don't get me wrong, I totally understand that being a stay-at-home mom is a fulltime job, but it is probably that the guy was working so much that lead to the divorce; and now he's expected to continue working two jobs?

 

[scrapquitler]

My BIL has been divorced for 2 yrs, and 2 yrs ago, at age 45 has moved back home w/ His parents (MIL and FIL). They are both retired.

He has a full time job. But apparently he's pretty far behind in back child support, and barely has any money left at the end of each paycheck.
He only has to pay for his car, car insurance, cellphone and his own food. His parents pay for EVERYTHING else.


They are so worried that he will NEVER be able to move out on his own. They are both retired, and thought they would be spending their golden years together, not supporting their adult child.

He has no concept of the real world and paying a mortgage, bills, etc.

What can they do to give him a push??

Sounds like my BIL

They can charge him rent, give him a move out date, tell him to get a second job and stop paying his bills. Or they can let things continue (like my inlaws have chosen to do).

Nobody can take advantage of you unless you let them.

 

[RitaE]

I'm confused. He was working two jobs to support a Stay At Home wife and a child but you don't think he has a concept of the "real world?" Usually when people say that they're talking about deadbeat type people who haven't had jobs at all or are very lightly employed.

He sounds a bit beat down right now. What can they do to give him a push? I guess my first question would be whether or not they think he needs a push or if they are doing exactly what they want to do. Otherwise, maybe they could help him find a better paying job or help him find a lawyer who can review the child support situation.

 

[leight]

My brother/mom are in this position. He moved back in 3 yrs ago when he & his ex girl friend broke up. He's paying child support (a small amount) and that's about it. My mom had bought him his car. She pays his car insurance. She actually got him a job in the school she works- he's a custodian for $9 hr. He will never be able to move out because he can't afford an apartment, child support and living expenses. SHe's talking about getting a 2nd job-she's 68- to pay the gap during the summer when schools closed. She's paid his irs bill and helped with his debts which depleted her savings. I wash my hands of it - they have a very strange relationship and seem to be dependent on each others' craziness. I've been told by my mom that she' leaving him the house- and insurance to pay off the mortgage- since he will never be able to take care himself. I can take care of myself so I don't count.

OP- sounds like he needs a push to advocate for himself. If he isn't working the 2nd job- so income has dropped- that has to get reevaluated. Then he can put more money away to get out of the child support debt and out of his parents house. Divorce is never easy but he has to have a plan in place to get on his own and his folks need to help point him in the right direction to do that. Good luck

 

[SILLYANDI]

My adult brother mooched off my parents his whole life. They finally sent him to rehab and SOLD THIER HOUSE & moved out of state to get away from him. So he came snivelling to me once he got out of rehab. This is what I did...

I gave him 30 days rent free BUT he had a list of chores & followed house rules just like my kiddos (He was a 30 year old man, but was treated like a kid till he proved otherwise).

On day 31 he had to pay me $400 room & board or he was out (I wouldn't even let him unpack his bags-he had to live out of his suitcase so when I had to throw him out I didn't have to pack it too!).

From there on out room & board doubled every 30 days. He was welcomed to live with us as long as he wanted as long as rent was paid on time. (and the rent continued to double every 30 days).

On day 90 he was worried he couldn't come up with $1200. Funny that on day 91 when he found his suitcase on the doorstep and lock changed he came up with it. He moved out before day 120 because he couldn't afford the $2400 rent.

He has been clean & sober and on his own since then (4 years). He has his own house, a decent job and has NEVER been healthier or happier. My mom cries everytime she sees him because she never believed he would be self sufficient or alive into his 40's. My brother thanks me often, HE didn't believe he'd be self sufficient or alive, but being forced to do it he managed very well.

 

[leight]

My adult brother mooched off my parents his whole life. They finally sent him to rehab and SOLD THIER HOUSE & moved out of state to get away from him. So he came snivelling to me once he got out of rehab. This is what I did...



I gave him 30 days rent free BUT he had a list of chores & followed house rules just like my kiddos (He was a 30 year old man, but was treated like a kid till he proved otherwise).

On day 31 he had to pay me $400 room & board or he was out (I wouldn't even let him unpack his bags-he had to live out of his suitcase so when I had to throw him out I didn't have to pack it too!).

From there on out room & board doubled every 30 days. He was welcomed to live with us as long as he wanted as long as rent was paid on time. (and the rent continued to double every 30 days).

On day 90 he was worried he couldn't come up with $1200. Funny that on day 91 when he found his suitcase on the doorstep and lock changed he came up with it. He moved out before day 120 because he couldn't afford the $2400 rent.

He has been clean & sober and on his own since then (4 years). He has his own house, a decent job and has NEVER been healthier or happier. My mom cries everytime she sees him because she never believed he would be self sufficient or alive into his 40's. My brother thanks me often, HE didn't believe he'd be self sufficient or alive, but being forced to do it he managed very well.

That was awesome! Good for you and better for your brother! My mom will never do this- after the last time she and my brother argued- I helped her refinance her mortgage, she paid off the car, had $ in the bank and the mortgage was a much lower rate- more affordable. Fast forward 4 yrs- all the banked $ is gone, my brother and she don't have car debt and the mortgage is really negligible less than $600 including taxes & hoa per month. But she can't survive on a pension, soc sec and a lunch room job in the school? I don't get it and I gave up trying. My brother is 41- neither of them will change.