Best Man Bailed On DF

[MistressOfAllEvil]

So, we're having an Escape wedding and obviously that means a really limited guest list after we both got done inviting our immediate family. Well, DF decided that he couldn't have just one best man that he had to have two. He just couldn't choose between the two. Well the better man who we shall call by his alias, Doc, is amazing. He's actually getting married next month and DF is standing up in his wedding. He's already contacted me about what I'm "okay" with as far as a bachelor party for DF. Really great guy. The other best man, who we shall call by his alias, OPP, has his moments. He's engaged as well, and after a two year engagement, they just announced their date a month ago. The also have decided on a destination wedding. They're looking at Tahiti, Bahamas, Carribean, something along those lines. OPP also claimed that he would NEVER get married with out DF there. Well now, they're saying their wedding is immediate family only. And a mere week after they announced their OPP sen an email (not a phone call!) saying that was money was tight and he didn't know if was going to be able to finacially swing our standing up in the wedding. Obviously DF responded that a wedding gift and bachelor party, etc. were not necessary. DF said that he just wanted OPP there on that day. OPP's fiance contacted me last week asking for the "schedule" to determine costs (again no phone calls, all through email/ text messaging) so I broke it down that really all OPP would have to pay for is a flight (I've seen round trip for the particular time frame he needs for as low as $130 including taxes), tux for $150 plus tax and a room, which the other best man, Doc, assumed they would split anyhow. Well, this all culminated this weekend when OPP backed out in an email citing costs. He claimed it would cost him $1200 and that he just can't swing that and that putting it on credit would just further dig him into a hole.

The thing is, my MOH and I ran the numbers a trillion times this weekend and we CANNOT figure out where he's getting $1200 from. He claims he's using airline miles towards a plane ticket and is factoring in sharing a room with Doc. Even if MOH and I include 2 days missed wages (since he will miss work) we still can barely get the total cost to him up to $1000. We're putting it closer to $700 reasonably. AND he's known about this since June. Our wedding isn't until February. That gave him a solid 7 months to figure it out and he waits until we're three months out???? He agreed to stand up in June, and he's just now figuring out that he can't do this? Just days and weeks after announcing his own wedding date.

Poor DF is really, really bummed and disappointed. He responded to OPP's first email saying that they should sit down and talk it out. OPP has never called once and hasn't tried to work anything out. He's been on vacay with us before to Disney and has stayed with DF's parents in their motor home. He could totally do that again, I mean, there's always ways to cut costs to make it more affordable for him. I just get the feeling that it's not really about the money and that he's using that as an excuse. I'm so torn between telling him off and trying to really work with him so that DF can have his two best men. DF isn't wimpy, but I think he's actually hurt so he doesn't even know what to do. He shot back a couple of emails that weren't mean but weren't nice...

I just don't know what to do. I even asked DF if he wanted to cancel the Disney wedding and just stay home and do something... and he said for what? OPP? NO. But I know he's hurt.

Sorry this is so long. I just needed to vent...

 

[Summer-Caitlin]

Awww, my heart goes out to you. I know how stressful this must be for both you and your DF.

To be completely honest with you, it does sound as if he is using the cost as an excuse. His wedding has obviously now been arranged and he probably feels like there is so much to do with his own wedding. Maybe though the cost of his wedding is escalating and he feels if something is to be cut then it will have to be attending yours.
I am so sorry you have to go through this. You are right, he agreed before and should have known the costs then. It is really rude to cancel on you at such short notice and to not even call your DF and talk to him about it is awful, your DF must feel terrible.
Your DF needs to call him, if this really means alot to him, he needs to sit down and find out whats going on. It may make no difference in the end, but it's better than emailing back and forth, we all know that these things can get taken out of context far too easily.
Vent all you want on here hon, I really hope it all works out for you both.

 

[cavecricket]

Oh my god!

I hope everything will turn out ok in the end for you.

 

[sjdisneywedding]

So, we're having an Escape wedding and obviously that means a really limited guest list after we both got done inviting our immediate family. Well, DF decided that he couldn't have just one best man that he had to have two. He just couldn't choose between the two. Well the better man who we shall call by his alias, Doc, is amazing. He's actually getting married next month and DF is standing up in his wedding. He's already contacted me about what I'm "okay" with as far as a bachelor party for DF. Really great guy. The other best man, who we shall call by his alias, OPP, has his moments. He's engaged as well, and after a two year engagement, they just announced their date a month ago. The also have decided on a destination wedding. They're looking at Tahiti, Bahamas, Carribean, something along those lines. OPP also claimed that he would NEVER get married with out DF there. Well now, they're saying their wedding is immediate family only. And a mere week after they announced their OPP sen an email (not a phone call!) saying that was money was tight and he didn't know if was going to be able to finacially swing our standing up in the wedding. Obviously DF responded that a wedding gift and bachelor party, etc. were not necessary. DF said that he just wanted OPP there on that day. OPP's fiance contacted me last week asking for the "schedule" to determine costs (again no phone calls, all through email/ text messaging) so I broke it down that really all OPP would have to pay for is a flight (I've seen round trip for the particular time frame he needs for as low as $130 including taxes), tux for $150 plus tax and a room, which the other best man, Doc, assumed they would split anyhow. Well, this all culminated this weekend when OPP backed out in an email citing costs. He claimed it would cost him $1200 and that he just can't swing that and that putting it on credit would just further dig him into a hole.

The thing is, my MOH and I ran the numbers a trillion times this weekend and we CANNOT figure out where he's getting $1200 from. He claims he's using airline miles towards a plane ticket and is factoring in sharing a room with Doc. Even if MOH and I include 2 days missed wages (since he will miss work) we still can barely get the total cost to him up to $1000. We're putting it closer to $700 reasonably. AND he's known about this since June. Our wedding isn't until February. That gave him a solid 7 months to figure it out and he waits until we're three months out???? He agreed to stand up in June, and he's just now figuring out that he can't do this? Just days and weeks after announcing his own wedding date.

Poor DF is really, really bummed and disappointed. He responded to OPP's first email saying that they should sit down and talk it out. OPP has never called once and hasn't tried to work anything out. He's been on vacay with us before to Disney and has stayed with DF's parents in their motor home. He could totally do that again, I mean, there's always ways to cut costs to make it more affordable for him. I just get the feeling that it's not really about the money and that he's using that as an excuse. I'm so torn between telling him off and trying to really work with him so that DF can have his two best men. DF isn't wimpy, but I think he's actually hurt so he doesn't even know what to do. He shot back a couple of emails that weren't mean but weren't nice...

I just don't know what to do. I even asked DF if he wanted to cancel the Disney wedding and just stay home and do something... and he said for what? OPP? NO. But I know he's hurt.

Sorry this is so long. I just needed to vent...

thats really stinks, unfortunately once someone starts making excuses about money they usually never change their mind. In your mind and everyone elses theres the basic fees which are probably realisticly like you said $700, hes going to add every little thing in, meals, drinks, lost wages, etc etc because hes trying to make it look not doable.

its a bummer, but you cant let that spoil the plans. We said right form th ebegining if they care to be there, really care, it will work out. Finances will work themselves out. We paid for rooms for some, helped with tix for some, had some come just for 2 days while others were there for weeks. We were able to sit down and work things out with those who made have had issues

by emailing and not calling he doesnt want a solution he wants an out

 

[Kristen14]

We said right form th ebegining if they care to be there, really care, it will work out. Finances will work themselves out. We paid for rooms for some, helped with tix for some, had some come just for 2 days while others were there for weeks. We were able to sit down and work things out with those who made have had issues

We're doing the same thing. For my DF's best man we're paying for his tux, room and maybe plane ticket if he decides to fly. The kid is 19 and is putting himself thru college at Auburn, so we know he honestly cant afford a trip to Disney.

It is kinda strange that no one has the guts to actually call you or your DF to discuss everything. It kinda sounds like they're using it as an excuse. You should definitely have your DF call and let the guy know he's upset.

 

[caryndisneydiva]

it's funny how when you go through big things in your life, you really realize who your friends are. everything happens for a reason!

 

[dakcp2001]

I am sorry! That stinks! Nothing workse than seeing your df bummed about the big day. As for the best man, He might be using money as an excuse, but being in a wedding IS expensive. If he cant afford it, telling him off is just going to make him feel worse. If he has his own wedding coming up, he prob has more on his plate that he can handle. Maybe he cant get the time off for work for his and yours? Maybe he cant afford both? Maybe hes just not a dependable person. Be glad he told you now, and didnt wait until the last minute to flake out on you.

I think that your DF needs to call him, and then the two of them need to get together in person and talk it out. Once he gets to the bottom of what the REAL issue is, maybe they can work it out. Did you invite his fiance to the wedding? Is he calculating costs for both of them? I think its odd that SHE called you about the costs, that made my red flags go up. If you did not invite her, maybe her feeling were hurt and she doesnt want him to go, if you did invite her maybe its just too $$ for both of them to go? I'm guessing maybe she wasnt invited and he doesnt want to go without her?

If she was invited, maybe just he could come to cust costs? Suggest helping to find inexpensive flights (airline miles are a terrible deal) or maybe offer to cover his tux if you really want him there. Sounds like there is more to it then money & your df needs to get to the bottom of it. I think you should elave it between teh two of them to work it out. It REALLY sucks that your df feelings are hurt. I know you want to make him feel better, and dont like seeing him sad, but its really something he needs to go take care of.

Hang in there.......

 

[oneyodafan]

I'm sorry to hear that. It's disappointing for sure. Maybe have DF talk with him to see if there is something else going on. I'm sure with his own wedding in the works now, money is an issue for that.

My SIL has had something similiar happen to her with her wedding. She was worried about keeping it under 18 guests, and now there is only 7 of us attending. My FIL and his wife now state they are going becuase they hate Florida. Funny how they spent a few nights at the GF before their cruise on their honeymoon 15 years ago. We are the only siblings coming now as well. My one BIL just left for Iraq, but will be back in April. The other BIL is now citing money issues himself saying it will cost roughly the same that your best man is. Not sure where that cost comes in since BIL wouldn't be standing up. The excuse is also, "We don't care for Disney World." Um, you've never been there and don't have to go to the parks. And what about seeing your sister/daughter get married? Doesn't that mean anything?

Alas, there isn't much to do about it, but make sure you enjoy yourselves and invite them to your at-home reception if you have one.

 

[Bouncy bounce]

I know what you are going through... Get this.. I went through catholic elementary school with 3 girls that I have been friends with them since age 7. So I ask all 3 of them to be in my wedding. Now 2 are married and we were all in their weddings. So the single one says she can't afford to be in it but will be there. I felt this was so insulting because we were all in the one wedding in august and her dress had a defect and ripped the day of the wedding so the dress shop refunded all the money and then she tells me that. now the dress i picked is $100 and something that can be worn again for sure. I was so mad since the dress refund is $324. I didnt understand why she couldnt use that money. Plus this dress wouldnt need alternations. Another thing is they already know that we are giving them the airfare on jetblue since its $100 plus tax roundtrip for their thank you gifts.

I just let it go. But i am hurt and i dont understand. But i'm also not going to push someone.

 

[MistressOfAllEvil]

Thanks everyone for your responses and input. I know it'll end up working out. My main concern is for DF. I know he didn't imagine his wedding with out one of his best buds there.

And, it's really kinda crappy b/c this guy was instrumental in DF and me getting back together after a painful/sorted seperation that could have just as easily ended in DF and I not being together. Instead we're going on 11 years next month with only a blip or two in the past. I guess I'm really bummed too.

I agree that they should sit down and talk. Maybe we can get that to happen here soon. I'm just so disappointed that OPP didn't call so they could talk it out. Of course we'd be willing to help him out to the best of our ability.

 

[miranda1979]

That stinks! But Just remind him that his best friend is there, You will be standing right next to him. and even though his friend is being a pain, it will all work out in the end...his friend just needs to grow up.

 

[caryndisneydiva]

weddings do funny things to people...i had a best friend for 15 years, she got engaged a few years back and i was the first person she called to tell her good news! i was so excited for her and her new fiance! she lives in nj and i live in tx, i found out a few months into her engagement that i wasn't in her bridal party! i was SHOCKED. she ALWAYS called me to talk about wedding details etc, like everyday...when i went to nj for a visit, she didn't even tell me that i wasn't a bridesmaid, she told my mother that she had picked a very small bridal party (of almost 10 people), and she wouldn't even look me in the eye. i found out for sure that i wasn't included when i looked at her knot page. i was extremely hurt. to add insult to injury, i wasn't even invited to her wedding with a date. she doesn't like my df (then dbf), but we have lived together for the last 4+ years and i thought that was just rude. i ended up not going because it was the same day my youngest sister graduated from college. we are no longer friends, which is sad. i guess she had her reasons, but after such a long friendship, it was quite confusing to me to be left out...sorry to vent, this whole bridal party situation just goes with my theory that weddings do strange things to people!

again, i feel sorry for your df, and everyone else that has gone through something like this, weddings are supposed to be joyous events and its sad that some people have to ruin it! you guys will have a beautiful wedding!

my df and i had a separation as well...things work out for the best!

 

[MistressOfAllEvil]

So, I've gotten a little bit more insite into what DF is thinking. He sent a text to Doc last night letting him know that OPP backed out and asking him for help in being diplomatic. Doc is pretty upset with OPP too. Apparently OPP hasn't RSVPed to Doc's wedding and it's less than a month away. The RSVPs are due tomorrow. So I'm sure between the two of them DF and Doc will figure it out and decide how to 'handle' OPP.

DF's sister, who is also my MOH, tried calling OPP yesterday many times. He wouldn't pick up or call back. The thing is that we're all pretty good friends. The whole group of us. So, this is just weird. Anyhow, FSIL told her mom and she offered to donate $100 to the cause. DF responded poorly to that... he basically said there is no cause, there is no way it could cost $1200 and if he wanted to be there he would be there. So I think DF is going through the angry phase, lol.

I'll keep you updated on what happens. It's like you said Caryn... weddings make people do weird things.

 

[bubba]

I feel for you ! My DH had his BM bail on him 5 days before the wedding. Well, actually, he never did bail. DH (then DF) called BM at home (still lived with his parents) about some detail like tux pick ups or something. DF was told by BMs mother that BM had just left for the airport ... for 2 weeks in AMSTERDAM !!! No word, no nothing. This was someone DH had grown up with and who wasn't man enough to talk to DH in person. DH was very disappointed. I have a better developed temper and I was some kind of po'd !! However, we made other arrangements and the wedding went ahead as scheduled. That was 17 years ago and to this day we have not heard from ex-BM.

 

[theantibride]

Guys get kind of weird when it comes to weddings. I don't know why but I know a lot of my married guy friends or husbands of my gal pals who had groomssmen back out but never the best man though. Honestly, I think OPP is just being a bad friend and if he wants out just let him out. If he was as good of a friend as your df thought he was he'd be there no matter what so maybe this is oddly enough a blessing in disguise. Just my thoughts on it all though and I could be totally wrong. Just tell your df everything happens for a reason and maybe this is a good thing in disguise that won't reveal itself till further on down the road.

 

[BrcsDisneyPrncs]

I am so sorry to hear that! Don't let it get you down! Hopefully there is a legitimate reason buried in the excuses somewhere. Many posters have already said it, weddings really bring out friends (or not) for what they truly are. Hopefully you get everything straightened out. It is just unfortunate, that whatever the reason, he isn't responding to phonecalls and such. I'm sending good luck vibes!