Be It Resolved

[snarlingcoyote]

I am resolving to not gossip about other people unless it is constructive. No more talking badly about someone. So discussing someone's illness with an eye to helping the family is fine. Listening to a co-worker worry about a relation marrying a person she has about a 80% chance of divorcing (both good people, just with completely different goals in life). That's fine. Talking badly about someone. . .nope. Just not going to do it.

I am also resolving to just leave the mean girls be. I leave cottonmouths and rattlesnakes alone unless they're in my front yard, then they meet with a clean, easy end. I resolve to treat mean girls with the same aversion and waste no thoughts or time on them. Life is just too short.

If this means I am now the dingiest person in the room at some points because I'm intentionally working to not understand the snide or think the best of someone to the point that I have to misinterpret every word said, so be it!

 

[cm8]

I am resolving to not gossip about other people unless it is constructive. No more talking badly about someone. So discussing someone's illness with an eye to helping the family is fine. Listening to a co-worker worry about a relation marrying a person she has about a 80% chance of divorcing (both good people, just with completely different goals in life). That's fine. Talking badly about someone. . .nope. Just not going to do it.

I am also resolving to just leave the mean girls be. I leave cottonmouths and rattlesnakes alone unless they're in my front yard, then they meet with a clean, easy end. I resolve to treat mean girls with the same aversion and waste no thoughts or time on them. Life is just too short.

If this means I am now the dingiest person in the room at some points because I'm intentionally working to not understand the snide or think the best of someone to the point that I have to misinterpret every word said, so be it!

I think that sentence sums it up!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Good for you! It is a better way to live.

I will pass the phrase that is vital to living this existence.

"That is different".

I got it from my SIL who uses it all the time. She says this instead of unkind words.

Some "mean girl" says "nasty gossip" and you respond with that is different and then move on.

 

[emer95]

I am SO impressed!!

I tried this years ago. I was in a bible study and this was my prayer request. Unfortunately I "fell off the wagon" and got sucked back into my old ways again. The worst is at work. I'd like to try again.

The hard part is knowing what to say or how to respond when someone else starts gossiping. Do you change the subject? Stand in silence? Defend the other person?

I know people in my life whom I have never heard say an unkind word about anyone. I want to be that kind of person! I also know people who talk about everyone, and I am certain are talking about me the minute I'm not around. I don't want to be that kind of person!

Best of luck to you, OP! I think the fact that you would even make a declaration like this shows that you are a person of tremendous character!

 

[Disney Doll]

I would say "I try not to gossip about others because I wouldn't want to be the topic of gossip".

Of course, this will immediately make you the topic of gossip.

 

[snarlingcoyote]

I'm working on my stock answers.

1. "Bless your heart! It sounds as though you were frustrated/upset/discouraged/tired/etc. How 'bout them Packers?"

2. "Oh my. Well, I'm sure that we've all had problems. I'm sure we all wish the best for ole' XYZ/XYZ's family. In fact, I'm sure you've already thought about something we could do to help out."

3. "How 'bout them Packers?"

4. "Oh, I'm learning how to follow Thumper's mother's advice as a challenge!"

5. "I'm sure you didn't mean to, you're so concerned about others, but I think this veers out of just venting - which is fine, I'm so glad you feel comfortable enough to vent to me - we all need our venting people - but really, I'm not comfortable discussing this further. I'd rather talk about how I could maybe help you and this other person?"

I was just reading online about this topic. Some things I hadn't thought of:

1. Just because YOU don't think there's a problem doesn't mean the other person doesn't. Some women just can't turn the queen bee off, even when they're higher status. They're just that paranoid and upset.

2. Don't engage, ever. It only escalates. Let it go. Ignore it. Be nice and friendly.

3. Address the person using "I" statements about specific behaviors.

4. Finally, ask them why they were upset.

I plan on using 3 and 4 with someone tomorrow before I write her off entirely. One of my own two personal mean girls I will just do #2 with. If I run into her I will smile politely, say hello and then avoid her. The other one, I'm just going to ask directly and tell her what I felt and ask if my impression or thinking was correct or not and let her tell me what she was thinking and feeling. It won't be comfortable for either of us, but who knows.

 

[OceanAnnie]

I would say "I try not to gossip about others because I wouldn't want to be the topic of gossip".

Of course, this will immediately make you the topic of gossip.

I have said something like this in the past.

I would laugh and say, "What do you guys say about me when I'm not around?". And I'd have a good belly laugh as I walk away.

In addition, as soon as you know who the gossips are, do not feed them with information about yourself or others. I got pretty good at small talk. (tv shows, weather, upcoming work stuff, you name it)

 

[Planogirl]

Does that include the DIS?

Seriously, it's hard not to get pulled in! I don't like it either and I even had to quit gossiping about celebrities to really stop it.

 

[snarlingcoyote]

Annnndddd the mean girl I'm going to write off just posted something mean to Facebook. I did my best. I was blunt and said her comment was hurtful, then gave her a way out - if she's smart enough to take it she can just say I misunderstood and she wasn't talking about X but Y. And of course, she has sympathy for X!

Now to figure out how to block her so I don't see her posts without actually defriending her. I am soooo Facebook inept it's pitiful!

ETA: I'm saved from learning how Facebook works! She defriended me first. Now that I'm reading about why Mean Girls are Mean Girls at this age and thinking it through, I am really beginning to feel sorry for this woman.

 

[DVCBELLE]

I stopped dealing with mean girls a while ago - I have less friends but I am definitely happier without drama in my life!!

on Facebook - when someone posts and you don't want to read their posts - place your mouse over their post and an X will appear in the top right corner. Click on this X - several options will appear - there is one that says hide all posts by "name" - click on this and BOOM - you don't have to see their posts anymore - but you can always go on their wall to see what they are up to. You can do this for annoying apps as well - like Farmville!!

 

[Mrs. Darcy]

I hate to get involved in mean gossip, but especially at work people talk trash about each other behind their backs. And these aren't Mean Girls, they're Mean Women! In my mind I'm thinking grow the heck up! I used to just listen blankly while they tell me the trash, but I got so tired of it that when it starts I just say "I don't feel like gossipping today, maybe tomorrow" in a way they know I'm being snarky. I say it every time and now hardly anyone tries to get me into a conversation like that. I guess they think I'm a bore now.

It's hard because with FB there's more crap to put out there than just by talking to someone directly.

And I rarely get into arguments with people who don't want to be rational. I just say "sorry, I misnderstood." and it shuts them right up because they see they'll get no where with me. Sometimes it's hard, but it's so empowering.

Good for you for this resolution! Your life will be more peaceful because of it.

 

[Mrs. Charming]

I am resolving to not gossip about other people unless it is constructive. No more talking badly about someone. So discussing someone's illness with an eye to helping the family is fine. Listening to a co-worker worry about a relation marrying a person she has about a 80% chance of divorcing (both good people, just with completely different goals in life). That's fine. Talking badly about someone. . .nope. Just not going to do it.

I am also resolving to just leave the mean girls be. I leave cottonmouths and rattlesnakes alone unless they're in my front yard, then they meet with a clean, easy end. I resolve to treat mean girls with the same aversion and waste no thoughts or time on them. Life is just too short.

If this means I am now the dingiest person in the room at some points because I'm intentionally working to not understand the snide or think the best of someone to the point that I have to misinterpret every word said, so be it!

That's awesome! Go you! I needed this little uplift this morning, something I read rattled me pretty bad, but you know what? I'm letting it go! They're just being mean girls! HA!!

 

[snarlingcoyote]

Well, the person who defriended me on FB just sent me a long e-mail. I followed #4 from my above post and read it with my eyes open to why she was so hurt that she behaved as she did. I had to apologize for one thing, just ignored the parts that were her justifications for her behavior with a nice comment that we probably weren't communicating well, and then agreed with her that it's likely neither one of us will ever want to be friends. I kept it friendly and civil and sweet enough to eat and I think maybe it will soothe both our feelings tremendously even though we will likely never speak to one another again except to say hello and wanly smile at one another. It's a very rewarding outcome!

I can already see this is going to be really hard, but very rewarding! I have a co-worker who came in upset this morning and instead of jumping to conclusions or feeding into anything, I and another co-worker decided to just be there for co-worker and support her even if we never ever find out what happened. It feels soooo good to do that! I am totally going to keep working on this one.