Be careful what you wish for...Help!

[breezy1077]

It was not long ago that I wanted so badly for my son to have a boy in the neighborhood that he could play with and wanted to play with him. Well I got my wish , but now I don't know what to do. So I turn to my fellow DISers for advise and a little vent...

DS 7 has PDD-NOS. The boy who recently moved in has befriended him, and my son is just thrilled to have another boy to play with (a couple girls around us who play, just not boys). The boy has an extremely manic behavior (makes my son's manic modes seem calm) coupled with a destructive and bullying personality. The other kids around us can look at this new kid and decide not to be like him, but my son "takes on" his personality and mimics his behavior . I've worked soooo hard on social behavior with him just to have it destroyed so quickly. Again other children can just brush it off, but it may take me months to stop a behavior in my son.

The parents are the kind that let the boy out without supervision and he usually ends up in our backyard. also, we live on a culdesac which makes it difficult to deter interaction with the boy unless I hole my kids up and not let them outside (which I won't do). I'm not sure how to proceed - any thoughts? BTW, they are renting for a year - I pray to God they don't decide to buy.

 

[Wingsofhalo]

Well, I'm not really a Parent, I'm Only 16, but I had a friend who had something like this back in 7th Grade.

I would talk to him, and tell him that he doesn't have to be exactly like his friend. I understand it might be difficult to have the boy with your son because he might be a trouble maker, but if you seperate them, your son might get upset.

 

[BeckyScott]

I haven't experienced this with DS-autism yet, but I have with his older brother. What to do when your kid hooks up with another kid who drives you nuts. (for whatever reason)

I always just tell my kids that the parents make the rules, and different parents make different rules. That's why some kids can do things my kids can't. And that's just too bad. We have rules for a reason. And it doesn't matter what other kids can do, I really don't care, I'm not in charge of the other kids.

Then you set some ground rules about outdoor play. Let your son play in your backyard only for a while. When the boy shows up, go out there, and if it starts to happen, tell the boy that we don't act like that, and he'll have to leave for the rest of the afternoon. Repeat. Probably just you being there in the middle of it, either he'll quit coming over or he'll change his behavior.

 

[bookwormde]

We have a little different version of this. There are 2 families of girls who are on the loose in the neighborhood and play with our sons dS8 as and DS5 nt. They are 4-7 years old and are quite “wild”. We keep our children in the back yard (a fenced are of about ½ acre with a big swing/play set. It took a little while but they now understand that if they want to play with our children and in our yard that they must follow the same family rules as our children. We have talked to our sons about how some families have different rules and the reasons and importance of our rules. We also explained to DS8 how he can be “helpful” in trying to keep the others safe and keep playtime fun buy reinforcing these rules (appealing to logical side and his sense of social justice). I think that the environment we provide has been a helpful structure for our visiting neighbors.

I guess my recommendation would be to keep them close and provide guidance for your visitor as you would for your son. If his parents object then they can decide not to let him over. Of course your “family” bullying policy would have to be first on the list. It sounds like the child may have some issues. With your guidance it may not be so much that your child learns behaviors from the friend but from other way around. Do not be hesitant to us “use” your child’s heightened sense of social conscience as a motivator it can be very effective.

bookwormde

 

[breezy1077]

These are all good suggestions and things to consider. I don't have a problem stepping in and setting the ground rules. I just realised I haven't done that yet with this boy. I've become so comfortable with the neighbors kids - their parents have similar rules to ours and we support each other. The kids also grew up together so we've grown used to the comfort of everyone knowing what's expected.

The boy will get my eagle eye until they move out of the neighborhood though because I've just caught too many "sneaky" moments. He's even been mean to the neighbors dog when he thought noone was watching. He also bullies the younger girls - the four year olds . I received an email from DS's teacher last night saying he had hit someone in the stomach at recess. He's never acted like that before, but it's too early for me to blame it automatically on the new inflluence. We have zero tolerence for hitting. I just don't think I can cut off all interaction my son has with him without DS feeling like he's being punished, but I'm not about to let 7 years of really hard work and conditioning be destroyed.