Based on another thread ...... Divorced People -- Did your church support you?

[EdiePA]

So, did your church support you?? I belong to an on-line Divorce support e-mail loop and we've been discussing this. Seems like the church can't support you, because that would mean condoning divorce.

My story -- member of a Methodist church for 12 years, taught Sunday
School, volunteer director of the afterschool program, choir member, bell choir member, raised two sons in that church. Well, when my EX was 'caught' in adultery, he was allowed to stay and I was the one who got left out. He's still teaching Sunday School, serving on boards -- with never having to repent or apologize.

I'll never join another church -- I've been so let down by this one. They did nothing to support me and my sons. In fact, some people were down-right ugly. Telling me on the Sundays that we both attended, that I made it hard -- that I should just go.

So, what's your story?

Edie

 

[Sian]

Similar story, but not quite as harsh as yours. Very involved in Methodist church for many years but my involvement and attendance (and the kids') dropped off about a year or so before my marriage ended. I still played in the worship band for services about once a month and helped with creche for bible study occasionally. When I moved out of the family home to a small house about a quarter of a mile from the church, nobody came near me. (I should add that there was no 3rd party involved) The minister is divorced and remarried himself, and I had told him that I was going to leave my marriage some months before it happened. Still, I never hear from anyone at church except when they want leaflets delivered in my area then I find a bundle with my instructions pushed through the door. It's been 4 years now.

 

[C.Ann]

No.. But then again, I didn't expect it nor did I seek it.. I made the right choice for myself and my children and the churches stand on it was irrelevant to me..

 

[Christine]

Edie, I have nothing to add; however, I just wanted to say that after reading your story, I'm stunned. I cannot believe that acted like that! What was their rationale for accepting your ex-husband.

 

[hiwaygal]

It didn't really happen to me, per se...but it happened to my family.

We were members of a Baptist church from my earliest memories until I was about 9 or so...

My parents led the youth group, I went to other children's activities. We were at church every Sunday (morning and night) and on Wednesday and Thursday nights too. We were very involved in the church (well, I wasn't really "involved" 'cause I was just a kid)...I chose to become saved and I was baptized in that church. All in all, our family was very dedicated to our church.

Then my father had an affair, and my mom was VERY naive...

The church kicked us all out. Asked us to leave and not come back. We were "blackballed" because of my fathers mistake. There was no support whatsoever for my mom or me. Mom could have really used someone to talk to at least, I'm sure. What happened to her was not her fault, but the church (the people who had been her "family" and "friends" for nearly 10 years) ostracized her...so sad.

 

[cardaway]

Nope, but it will not be a problem with this marriage.

 

[EdiePA]

The reason for supporting my EX? He's very vocal, the local morning radio personality -- probably the closest thing to a celebrity in our town. The minister is very wimpy and won't stand up to anyone or for anything. And as in most things, money talked.

Edie

 

[Miss Jasmine]

Edie,
I am so sorry about your hurt. Some churches actually have divorce"support" groups, mine does. I know you still are in pain, but maybe you could seek out a church that offers this kind of fellowship.

 

[helenabear]

Threads like this make me very sad... especially when those who would love support (even if only emotional) don't get it. Not all churches are bad like that at all! Even my Catholic Church (and I say it like that due to the view on divorce w/in that Church) has a support group for Separated & Divorced members.

 

[graygables]

I'm sorry you had to go through that. I was raised a Southern Baptist and divorce was simply NOT an option. It became an option after my ex beat me and molested my DD. He is in the Army, so when I left him, I moved "home" to my parents. On the buckle of the Bible Belt, it would seem. I had a terrible time, not only at church, but getting a JOB. It seems that it's bad enough for a woman to want to teach, but a divorced woman??? I wasn't even allowed to sing in the choir. I left and found a better church, but our family wound up leaving there after another "radio station personality" caused some problems for me. I've essentially given up on organized religion. Every church I've gone to, once they've learned I was divorced really got chilly and they don't even care WHY. I guess I was just supposed to sit there and wait for him to beat me to death and keep molesting my daughters, I don't know.

BTW, when DH and I were looking for a minister to marry us, no one would do it b/c I was divorced. I had one baptist in particular get ugly with me about how I was a sinner (refused to listen to my "story"), to the point that I was crying hysterically by the time I hung up on him. We did finally find a SBC minister to marry us, but I was convinced we were going to have to go before a judge. THEN that baptist minister had the NERVE to come to my house a few years later to invite me to church. You can imagine my joy and delight when I reminded him of our phone conversation and slammed the door in his face. It was very liberating.

 

[MrsPete]

I'll never join another church -- I've been so let down by this one. They did nothing to support me and my sons. In fact, some people were down-right ugly. Telling me on the Sundays that we both attended, that I made it hard -- that I should just go

I've never been divorced, but I went through something like this as a child. When my parents divorced (after years of being active members in the church), the church basically told my mom that church was for families, not single mothers and their children. (My father moved out of state, so our situation was a little different.)

This was very, very hard on me as an 11 year old child whose life had been very much centered in the church, and I learned two lessons: 1) God doesn't want little girls from broken homes and 2) God doesn't want people with nothing to put into the collection plate.

It was years later that I realized that GOD had never rejected me. I realized years later that the rejection had come from MISLED PEOPLE in one church, not from God. Today I'm a member of a much better church, and -- believe me -- I'm much more in tune to people's needs because of my childhood experiences.

I hope that once the initial hurt has been numbed a bit by time that you'll feel led to find a fellowship of Christians who are more understanding.

 

[Tiggeroo]

My story -- member of a Methodist church for 12 years, taught Sunday
School, volunteer director of the afterschool program, choir member, bell choir member, raised two sons in that church. Well, when my EX was 'caught' in adultery, he was allowed to stay and I was the one who got left out. He's still teaching Sunday School, serving on boards -- with never having to repent or apologize.

These stories are amazing. I belong to an evangelical non-denom church and this would never happen. The church is against divorce except for abuse and adultery. However, we have elders who have been divorced and remarried. So the divorce doesn't remove you from the church. If a sin is private it's left between the couple to resolve. If a sin becomes public the apology needs to be public. If somebody is engaging in adultery and won't repent there will be consequences and they won't be against the innocent spouce and children.
If there was a member who was experiencing abuse in their home help would be given to get them to safety. I've seen these things happen.

 

[powellrj]

Our church has a Divorce Care group that meets on Wednesday nights. One of our ministers in divorced and its his group. We have many people who found our chruch through this group.

 

[horseshowmom]

These stories are amazing. I belong to an evangelical non-denom church and this would never happen. The church is against divorce except for abuse and adultery. So the divorce doesn't remove you from the church. If a sin is private it's left between the couple to resolve. If a sin becomes public the apology needs to be public. If somebody is engaging in adultery and won't repent there will be consequences and they won't be against the innocent spouce and children.
If there was a member who was experiencing abuse in their home help would be given to get them to safety. I've seen these things happen.

This has been my experience too as a member of a Southern Baptist congregation. I've seen electric bills, food, money, and other items provided many, many times for individuals who have had a husband walk out on them. My DH is divorced (due to a wife who was involved in extramarital affairs), and he was always supported - never treated as an outcast. I'm truly sorry that there are people who have been treated so poorly. It's certainly not God's way.

 

[Chicago526]

Fine stories of following Christ's example, really these are just excellent!

I know all churches don't do these things, but WOW!

 

[Rock'n Robin]

Edie I'm so sorry this happened to you. I know our methodist church has an active divorce care group and tries to take extra care of the women going through such a thing. I have not seen any couples "active" in church go through a divorce, however. I remember growing up a local methodist pastor was counseling a woman who was in a troubled marriage, and they ended up having an affair. It was a huge scandal and he had to leave the church and become a counselor. They ended up divorcing their spouses and marrying, but it was very messy.
Robin M.