Bad flare from husband passing away with trip planned

[Eeyore's Tiara]

I dont know where to begin. I have an autoimmune that reacts to stress. My doctors have advised me not to stress, but how is that possible when life goes completely wrong? My sweet husband passed away this last month and my life has completely fallen apart.

I am flaring from the stress and my body is reacting violently. I think I am suffering from depression and I cant see my doctor until next friday. I am not sure how to react to him. I called their office while my husband was in a coma and told him my situation and explained that I was having a bad flare. Since I wasn't able to explain exactly what was going on with me because I wasn't very coherent from the stress, he said just wait it out. This is the same doctor that told me I was going to die if I didn't take the treatment.

So I am conflicted on whether or not I can trust him or work with him anymore. I know I should make no major decisions during this time so I will wait and see what happens.

My dh and I had a trip planned for this Sept/Oct because he had never been during the food and wine festival and was so excited about getting to go to it. Our kids and I had been and I had told him how much fun it had been to just wander through the world showcase and try all the different cuisine. Our kids even loved trying the different foods. We laughed about how much fun it was going to be. And now I'm worried about what is going to happen while I'm there. Will I get emotionally upset thinking about how we were going to do this together, or will I be busy in the moment?

I would love stress reliever advice and coping advice to help deal with this situation. I know I am liable to be emotionally distraught during this trip.

I would have cancelled completely but had planned to meet another couple and a friend at WDW. I really want to see my friends and spend time with them because I know they love me and want to love me through this, but they will go home before we do and that's the time I am worried about. My mom has agreed to go in my husbands place and stay with us on this trip. I just don't want to end up being a strain on her.

I discussed it with my children and they said we should go and try to have fun.

 

[ireland_nicole]

I don't know how to begin to respond... First, my heart breaks for you and your family trying to somehow find a way through this. Second, I commend you on your bravery. Regardless of your body, you have a strong spirit. You will yourself to get up in the morning, to make plans, to keep moving - Do you realize how amazing you are? Dear one, whatever you are feeling is valid, but recognizing it, wanting to fight to get better shows emotional health and incredible resilience.
Regarding your Dr.: Call back, call back, call back. Tell them you are not willing to "wait it out". If they won't listen, call your primary dr. Consider that you may need some psychological or pharmacological assistance - and you know what? So do other people in your circumstance. Consider taking to a trusted counselor or pastor. If they still won't listen, enlist family to advocate for you, to take the stress of getting a medical professional to listen off of your shoulders for the time being.

Regarding the trip: Follow your heart. No one can tell you the "right" thing to do. Will it be stressful to go? Yeah. Will it be stressful not to go? Yeah. The only way to get through this time is to somehow get through this time- you can't get around, over or under it. You can physically make the trip less stressful by using an ECV, taking frequent breaks, etc.

I wish I could take some of your pain from you, and I'm so sorry that I can't. Know that I am praying for you and your family, and although I cannot understand your heartache, I do understand your physical pain, for it is mine as well. I agree that this is not the time to make any important decisions. Please, give yourself and your precious little ones the gift of time.

 

[BroganMc]

I can't say it any better than that.

FWIW, my dad and I started traveling with my mom all during her 4 year battle with breast cancer. We had trips scheduled through the year when she finally lost her battle mid-summer (July 9, 2004 to be exact). The very next one was to Hilton Head -- a place my mom had never been to but desperately wanted to see. We took the trip in her honor.

Though we knew my mom's loss was inevitable all during her last years, it still devastated us. I think we were both numb for two weeks. Eventually we both returned to work and daily life. That first trip without her was strange and a little tough at times. (It still is sometimes. She was best friend to both Dad and I, and completely irreplacable.) But we reminded ourselves her parting words to keep traveling, keep living and keep looking after each other.

In a perfect world none of us would have endure such pain of loss. There's nothing anyone can say that'll make it go away. Just keep doing what you're doing. Get help from that doctor, lean on friends and family. They want to help you. Most of all look after yourself.

About a year after my mom died, we almost lost my dad to heart issues. He ended up with triple bypass. It was only detected due to his reaching out to others and them realizing something wasn't right. We both had many dreams about my mom at the time too so I think she had a hand in the warnings.

Hang in there!

 

[mrmagicmph]

I have nothing to suggest, I'm afraid, only this to offer as a Pooh to an Eeyore:

​

 

[Cheshire Figment]

I would suggest that you go to the ER of a major teaching hospital, especially if there might be one within an hour's drive. It is already the weekend and you should not have to wait a week.

The reason I suggest a major (teaching) hospital is they will have more specialists available, especially on a weekend.

 

[BlondeAlligator]

Your post brought tears to my eyes.

I don't know exactly what to say, except that if you are not happy with the medical help you are (not) getting, then you need to get a new doctor. I have OCD and am lucky that my doctor will even up my meds over the phone just from talking with me...you need someone much more responsive. I have learned over the years through various medical issues, not just my OCD, that you have to be forceful & take charge of your own treatment & not let doctors sweep you under the rug.

As for the trip, I would go ahead and take it. It will be better to get out, see your friends & be somewhere happy, rather than sitting home & wishing you had gone. You can celebrate your DH's life there, remmeber good times, have a toast in your honor & know that he is with you in spirit.

Good luck to you & your family & know that you have friends here if you need to talk.

Allison

 

[Eeyore's Tiara]

thank you all for your prayers, wishes, and hugs. I am not as strong as I sound - i don't have a choice because my girls are top priority right now. They are devastated. I don't know what I will do without my best friend to lean on. I had prepared myself for it to be me that went first. That may be why I sound stronger than I am.

Cheshire Figment, my mom has been trying to get me to do the same thing- she keeps talking about scott and white. scott and white is the closest teaching hospital, several hours away, but they dont seem to have very many rheumatologists on hand if any. When I checked I didnt see any rheumy doctors or any related field... I may have just missed it though

i did force the issue with the pulmonologist and saw him today. he prescribed an antibiotic for my lungs and medicine to help my coughing, part of the flare.

 

[mc'smommy]

Please stay strong your your sake and for your children..... you are in my thoughts and prayers that life gets better for you....

 

[smidgy]

my thoughts and prayers are with you. only YOU know if you can handle the trip. My sis had a trip planned to wdw, then was diagnosed with breast cancer, then her husband left her! she ended up going to Indiana beach, cause she had promised the kids a trip, and I went with instead of her "husband". we had fun, but she had her "moments". (she was bald from chemo on the trip, and weak from the treatments). I know it's not the same as losing a husband to dying, but she was glad she went.
someone posted in another thread that disney is not just for a grand ol' time, but also is a "fix" when times are tough. I'll bet hubby would want you to go and have fun. I know I would.
God bless you.

 

[mrsksomeday]

I am so sorry for your loss. I know you have to get the stress down, have you thought of grief counseling? That might be a way to help guide you and your children through the grieving process and give you tools to help you get through this difficult time.

 

[lucigo]

I want to offer you a giant hug!! Eight years ago I lost my first husband when my kids were 11, 9 and 5. I also somewhat understand your autoimmune stress reaction as 10 years ago I lost a child and due to the stress had thyroid storm.

I wish I had magical words of wisdom for you, but unfortunately this is just something you have to get through and you probably won't even know how you did it. One thing that really helped me was finding an online support group after the baby's death, as a matter of fact that group of 8 women are now an email loop that I communicate with daily, and this is our 10th year!

I know its hard to find people who understand losing a husband at such a young age, which is why the internet is a good place to look. I would also suggest you look into relaxation techniques.

One thing that really helped me was relaxing in our pool every evening, and I put my whole family in karate - we got healthy together and it was an outlet for stress.

I also bought our family our first season passes to disney and we went 5 times that next year. It really helped my kids and me bond together. It was hard to feel like a family with one member missing, but somehow taking them to disney really helped us feel like a family again.

Please be good to yourself, and don't settle for a doctor that you aren't 100% comfortable with! My prayers are with you!

 

[Ms_Butterfly]

So sorry for your loss. I, too, just lost my beloved grandfather a week ago and am having more pain than usual, I'm guessing from the stress/sadness and lack of sleep (all those funeral arrangements and things to be done for it), so I know how you feel. It is hard to get over, but I know that has to happen and slowly it will, though I'll never forget him.

Do you think your husband would have wanted you to keep your trip plans and go? If so, you should go. Friends are great company at times like this, too! If you want, do something special for your hubby on your trip, like buy some flowers (or use extras from the funeral arrangements) and scatter their petals somewhere special (or scatter the flowers in a body of water) - or send a message in a bottle - or whatever works best for you. (Involve the kids if they're old enough and ready enough for it.)

As for your doctor, just keep bugging him and demand to be listened to/seen/given a prescription refill (whatever it is that you need). Some docs plain don't understand, some just don't care, and some are just too busy to realize their patients need help. So, sometimes you just have to go hard after what you need from them. It shouldn't be that way, but it often is.

A hug to you and your children!!

 

[Eeyore's Tiara]

Hey, thank you all for responding. I went down hard for two days but I think the antibiotics are kicking in now and starting to work. I'm having bad headaches which I cant tell if they are from the medicine, stress, or flares.

mc'smommy: thank you for your thoughts and prayers

smidgy: thank you for sharing that story with me. Your sister was so brave! I really appreciate the encouragement that you have given me especially about disney.

mrsksomeday: we received a lot of grief counseling in the hospital while we were with my dh in a coma. several counselors and pastors came to talk to us and pray with us. they even took my kids off and let them talk about anything they wanted to, even if it wasnt about their grief. they were wonderful. we would probably be in worse shape if we hadnt received this help. we also received some names of counselors in our area but they are an hour away, we live in a rural area, and I havent been up to driving that far yet. Soon, i promise...

lucigo: I am so sorry to hear about your first husband. you probably know what is going through my head right now. It's like a chorus of "maintain, maintain, keep going". I can't seem to explain it to anyone else. I keep expecting him to walk through the door anytime now. It's so hard.

I like the karate idea. If I can get my legs working better I had talked to my dh about that-about it helping me get my strength back. The swimming is also a good idea, but I dont have a pool right now. One of my doctors said it would be a good idea to swim. Easier on my joints and help with cardio.

I had looked at the online widow's group but I hadn't been able to bring myself to joining one yet. Some of the ones I have seen are cursing at God, and I can't handle that. I feel safer here and I know you understand the physical side of what's happening to me also. And the side of me that wants to go to Disney because it has so many good memories, but dreading it at the same time.

Ms_Butterfly: I'm sorry to hear about your loss. It's hard to lose a parent or grandparent and I know you will be experiencing pain and moments of "attack grief" for awhile. I call it attack grief because it hits you out of nowhere and sometimes with no explanation. I'll say a prayer for you and your family also.

I will be seeing the other doctor, the wait and see doctor, on Friday, Aug 1st. Unfortunately that is my dh's birthday. So I will probably be in a really bad mood when I see my doctor and I may have a showdown with him about all of this. Either he wants to treat me..consistently.. or I need to go elsewhere. I will take someone with me to help me let him understand what his attitude has done to me. And when I needed him most. Thank God the pulmonologist was able to see me and help me with antibiotics.

I really appreciate all of you and all of your help and suggestions. I don't know what I would do without you to talk to. I gain my strength, not through my own capabilities, but through the friends that God places in my path. Thank you all....

 

[lucigo]

Cassandra its good to hear back from you, please keep us posted on how you are doing! My mom gave me some advice after my DH's death, one day at a time...and when thats too much an hour at a time, and if you still can't do it, one breath at a time. It does get better.

As for the pool, we recently moved to a house that doesn't have a pool and temporarily have one of those wal-mart Intex 18 foot round pools, its really still a great way to get a little exercise without stress if you would like to give it a try!

A couple of books you might want to look for...

"How it feels when a parent dies", and "Widow to Widow".

Hugs! Hope you have a good day!

 

[Eeyore's Tiara]

lucigo: I believe one of the books the grief counselors gave my children was the When a parent dies or one like it. It had some very helpful suggestions even for the parents.

It said don't be upset when they act out or hyper. And don't get upset when they act like nothing has happened. It told them that it was okay to miss their parent and to be angry. It helped them to figure out grief in their own way. It helped me to understand their grieving. And to help them understand it.

Unfortunately they didnt give me a helpful book. So I will look up the widow to widow book. Thank you for your help and advice. I have run out of words to say thank you to everyone. I feel like God hugs me through all the people that help me get through.

The unscheduled rest has helped me to feel better and be able to deal with more. And the antibiotics seem to be helping a lot.

I do know the one day, one minute, one second at a time. It's easier with kids around because there are things that must be done no matter whether you are grieving or not. I break down in the quiet times when there's nobody to distract me. I find I try to keep busy...

 

[ireland_nicole]

Hi Cassandra;
Continuing , prayers, and encouragement for you. Remember, sometimes all you can do is hold on by your fingernails and trust He is holding on to you. There are a lot of things right now that probably don't feel true or don't make sense. That's ok, honey. Just keep taking it one second at a time and know that we're out there for you. And please let us know how it goes w/ the Dr.
Nicole