Are you required to keep family homes & possessions?

[DisneyBeagle]

Let me state for the record that I have no intention of telling my friend how to handle this situation. I truly feel that it is something that she has to decide on her own, but I was wondering how others feel about this.

I received a call from my friend last night and she was just sobbing because she is torn about how to handle a family house and possessions. Sally's grandfather & grandmother built a house back in the early 1900's and after they died Sally's parents moved into the house. Sally's dad passed away probably 15 years ago and her mother died 5-8 years ago. Sally's mom had always told Sally how important the house was to her and that she wanted Sally to keep the house in the family and move in after Sally's mom died.

The problem is that Sally doesn't want to live there. It is a beautiful house, but not in an area Sally wants to live in nor the type of house she would want. It's only about 15-20 miles from Sally's current house so it's not like she could use it as a vacation home. Sally's mom always told her how it was a great house because her grandparents saved for years to be able to build this house and it was just want they wanted. Sally's parents added on a sun porch that was always the mom's dream. Sally keeps saying "but it's not my dream to live in that house. I am living in the house that I picked and I love."

Since Sally's mom has died the house has been vacant. Sally and her husband have been driving there ever week or so to mow the lawn, etc. Sally doesn't want to rent the house out because she has no desire to be a landlord. Sally has no siblings and her parent's sibling have all passed away.

Also, the house is filled with family antiques (dining room set, china, bedroom set, etc). Sally wants to keep the china, family photos and a few select pieces of furniture & art, but she thinks it would break her mom's heart to not keep it all.

Thanks for sticking with me through this story. Are families required to keep houses and possessions that they really don't want just because a family member wanted them to?

 

[lynxstch]

NO! she should keep what possessions she really wants, ask others in the family what they want, if someone else wants the house, let them buy it..or else put it up for sale..it's not her dream house, it's not where she wants to live..I think she should sell it and move on..but that's just me!

 

[Acklander]

No, she's not required to keep it. It was important to her mom, her mom is now gone. I say, select what she wants out of the house and sell the rest. Are there other family members that would be interested in it? That might be an option, but if not, she should let go of the guilt - it's her life and her decision.

 

[postage stamp]

What would break her mom's heart would be to feel that she was a burden to Sally. If Sally is ready to and wants to let these things go then it's time to let them go.

 

[DawnCt1]

Does Sally have any siblings? Are there other people that a truly attached to the house? Its hard enough to "let go" when you lose a loved one but when it is being weighed down with guilt and implied promises, it has to be downright painful. I think that if her mother knew that Sally never felt the same way about the house as she did, she may not have piled all that baggage on it. Years ago families hoped to be able to leave the family home. Most people grew up in the same area, married, etc, etc and a family home was a legacy. In this day and age, its a burden. An empty house is a house that is difficult to maintain and deteriorates. She is not honoring her parents or her grandparents by allowing that to happen. Perhaps she should see a therapist, explore some of the guilt she is feeling and then begin the process of letting go.

 

[luvmy3]

I would not move into the house, and I wouldn't keep it either. I would ask any family members if they wanted to buy it and if not then I'd put it up for sale. If there were any possessions I didn't want, I would first offer them to family, then sell and then donate what was left.

 

[JLTraveling]

I'm really torn on this one. On the one hand, no, I don't think she's obligated. I think it was VERY unfair of Sally's mother to put her in that position with a sort of lifelong debt. On the other hand, I'm assuming the house is paid for free and clear? I LOVE old houses and hate to see them lost to the original family, but beyond that it's a safety net. Not saying that Sally or anyone else in the family would ever run into financial trouble, but you never know. A paid-for family home is nothing to sneeze at. Does Sally have kids? Maybe she could give her oldest the house as a wedding present.

Are there siblings or other relatives who might have an interest in the house? Perhaps everyone could pitch in to hire a lawn service and pay for basic repairs over the years. Alternately, I know she doesn't want to be a landlord, but she could (again, hopefully with family support) hire a property management company to handle everything...they'll screen tenants, take care of maintenance issues, handle problems, collect rent...Sally wouldn't really have to be involved.

Just my take on it, and I certainly don't think it's wrong for her to sell. I just think the benefits may end up outweighing the costs.

 

[Kim♥DISNEY]

This sounds like my family (and extended family).

My cousin now owns a 40 acre farm that has been passed down in the family. When my cousin was little, her mother and father owned the property. My cousin was a teenager and always told her mother and father that someday, she would build a house on the property and live there. Now, when her mom passed away 3 years ago, my cousin had reservations about all of this since she is established with her family and her own business. Now, she has paid the taxes on the property and can't find the time to keep the property up .... but she feels so guilty if she sells it. Her cousins and brother keep telling her to sell the property.

Now, my parents (her aunt and uncle) every once in awhile will say, "When are you moving up to the farm?" Which makes her feel bad again! I keep telling her to ignore them.

So, one day, my mother tells me that she wants me to have her house so that we can move into it when she passes away. I immediately tell her that I will not be moving into her house and I will NOT have the guilt placed over me like my cousin. I know my mother was not too happy with me ... but it is just a house!!!! My life will change once my children are grown. I am not sure I will even be living in this state .... and personally, I don't like taking care of the house I currently own (renting when I am older seems like the way to go!)

So, I do understand your friend, but it is not the choice I would be making.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Of course not. She is within her rights to sell the property and any items she does not want to cherish.

I think it is better to pass on possessions to people that will care for them and not neglect them.

Keeping the home vacant is worse than selling to someone who would enjoy it, imo.

 

[okeydokey]

She is not obligated to keep the house or anything in it. I think it was unreasonable for her mother to tell her it was. She should keep what is of sentimental value and then sell the rest.

I can understand her feelings about this obligation, but the house has been empty for years and needs a new family to move into it and love it.

 

[LuvOrlando]

WOW, she's keeping a museum, poor girl.

 

[famofsix]

I feel sorry for her that her mom tried to force her to love something that she does not love.

I would tell her to take what she does love for sentimental reasons, take a professional picture of the house and hang it in her real home, and sell the family house. Then when she tallks about the house she can pass the memory on to her family without having to keep the museum the PP refered too,

 

[Sgt Mickey]

I really don't think I would sell it. She may not feel this way 10 years from now.As much as she said she didn't want to be a landlord that is what I would do. Who knows she may have kids who would want it and then would regret selling it.

 

[Aristocath]

I think it is unfair to put people in this position. If she has held onto this empty house for five years, she isn't going to want it later. She needs to take what is important to her and either rent or sell the house.

I have a cabinet full of dishes and things I don't want but have because they belonged to my grandmother. I can't believe I let myself get in this position but I have to wait for my aunt to die to get rid of what I consider clutter. How many of us have things in our house that mean nothing to us but we hold onto them because of someone who doesn't even live with us?

 

[HM]

What a burden she is bearing. Poor Sally. It's too bad she didn't tell her mother about her own wishes before she was gone, so she could sell without feeling this guilt. Keeping only the things that she has sentiments for should be enough. I hope she can come to a decision that works for her well being. Pixies.

 

[Swank]

Tell you friend that it is now time for that lonely house to be somebody else's dream. Somebody who is looking for a nice old house to to be their first home, or be their dream home, or to be their retirement home.. tell her to write a short history of the house to pass on to the new owners, complete with pictures and documents so the the new family can have a history to add to and pass on to the next owner. I own a house that was built in 1919 and I wish I had that history.

 

[indimom]

Swank

I agree. We bought a home built in 1900. I LOVE this house and the history in its walls. When we met to finalize the paperwork, the daughter of the former owner seemed pretty bummed about selling, but she lived a couple hours away and just couldn't keep up with it anymore. She made a passing comment about how the house needed a huge Christmas tree in the front window and I told her to drop by anytime, I was already dreaming of putting it up there!
Allowing the house to go, will give it LIFE again. Now it is just a deteriorating shell.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Wonderful post, Swank!

Yes, I agree.
Your friend should not have an overwhelming obligation to keep the home.

This is the kind of burdon that parents should not place on their child(ren).

Time moves on.
Life goes on.

I think 'Sally' is not only crying because she knows that she doesn't wish to keep and live in the house.... I think she is probably also crying because, making the decision to let it go might also be very painful.

 

[sbell111]

NO! she should keep what possessions she really wants, ask others in the family what they want, if someone else wants the house, let them buy it..or else put it up for sale..it's not her dream house, it's not where she wants to live..I think she should sell it and move on..but that's just me!

Agreed

 

[SandrA9810]

She should spend time looking for the right family that will love the house and it's history. That will help preserve her mother's wishes. That's my kind of house, and there's plenty of people that would love it also.

If she lets it sit for much longer, it's gonna need to be demolished and then she'll really feel guilty.