Are you a forgotten child?

[SplshMtn99]

I swear DH's dad forgets he (or we) exsist. But he remembers his other son & daughter. He'll visit his daughter who lives 15 miles from us, but we never know about it until after the fact. They receive things but we don't ($ for financial help & used cars & $ to build a house or update a house) -- mainly because we don't have children I assume.

We just found out he finally got a computer & email 2 months ago. I know the daughter knew about it from day one. I'm not sure yet if the other son knew but I'm sure they probably did.

The really odd part is DH is THE computer person for the family since its his field. He does the fixing, the buying, the research...... We wonder just who helped his dad with his first computer purchase.

Trust me, there's a really long back story to this from when DH was born. I just see how much it hurts DH. I swear my own dad is more of a dad to him than his own dad. It would be one thing if DH wasn't close to his brother & sister & didn't know of the closeness they share with their dad, but he is aware. It just sucks.

Are you a forgotten child?

 

[Steamboat Marti]

I hear ya - and I wonder about it myself. Families say they try to be "even" and it never ends up that way. I really don't understand it myself, I just know it hurts the people involved.

 

[DMickey28]

I am sorry you have to deal with this. Out of curiousity is your DH older, youngest or middle?

 

[monkeyboy]

i am INDIGO

 

[SplshMtn99]

I am sorry you have to deal with this. Out of curiousity is your DH older, youngest or middle?

youngest

 

[mickeyfan2]

Yes I was and still am the disposable child. I was the first born, but since I was born a female I was a disgrace to them. Next came the boy and he was the greatest thing since sliced bread. Years later along came my sister, the princess. I was always left to fend for myself. It was so shocking them when I left for college and never looked back. They could not understand how I could make it without their help, like brother and sister. They failed to see that I was pushed away and on my own even under their roof.

 

[hniki234]

I feel forgotten sometimes. I talk to my mom a few times a month, but I go months with having even a two minute conversation with my dad. I'll call my dad and leave messages, but he rarely returns the call. My mother didn't start talking to me until her and my dad split. (For some reason, my mom was way partial to my younger sister.) I don't really blame them. I was a total latch-key kid and was stuck watching after my sister (only a 3 1/2 year age difference). They were both busy working full-time and going to school. So I get that they know that I'm self-sufficient. But still. Now that I'm moving even further away it kind of sucks knowing that it doesn't really bother them to go that long without getting in contact.

 

[SplshMtn99]

Yes I was and still am the disposable child. I was the first born, but since I was born a female I was a disgrace to them. Next came the boy and he was the greatest thing since sliced bread. Years later along came my sister, the princess. I was always left to fend for myself. It was so shocking them when I left for college and never looked back. They could not understand how I could make it without their help, like brother and sister. They failed to see that I was pushed away and on my own even under their roof.

I honestly feel the pain.

 

[java]

Yes I was and still am the disposable child. I was the first born, but since I was born a female I was a disgrace to them. Next came the boy and he was the greatest thing since sliced bread. Years later along came my sister, the princess. I was always left to fend for myself. It was so shocking them when I left for college and never looked back. They could not understand how I could make it without their help, like brother and sister. They failed to see that I was pushed away and on my own even under their roof.

I am in an identical situation except I didn't go off to college and not look back. I went off and then moved to the same state as everyone but don't spend much time with them. I do talk to my mother 2 times a week- her duty phone call. It is always the same conversation. Almost exactly. And she doesn't listen to a word I say. So I don't really bother anymore. Just keep it all superficial and light.
The strange thing is that I am very very close to my brother. What I saw as special treatment he saw as smothering. So I guess we are all never happy in disfunctional families. Until you get out of them.
So I would say I am forgotten in full sight.
Probably the most painful situation was when dh lost his job very unexpectedly(the government came in and seized the company he worked for) At the time we were lucky to have saved some $$ but I was pregnant at the time- and the health insurance had not been paid by the company for 3 months- so we had to pay back and then through the delivery!(as it was a preexisting condition) so ontop of all the other expenses we had to spend $1600 a month to keep our plan active. It was a tough time and everyone in our family who couldn't afford to all offered financial help. Everyone that is except my Mother(the one that is a self proclaimed Millionare) and her husband. Now we didn't take money from anyone but it was nice that they offered. They saw our situation and offered help. Thankfully dh found a new job right as I was about to deliver child number 3. But still that lack of concern and help from my Mother was painful.
But thanks to the internet I can complain about her all I want.
Forgotten by one but not by all.
Edit to add that it is nice that your Dad is stepping up for your dh. It often makes it easier to fill the void when someone else steps up to the plate.

 

[SplshMtn99]

I feel forgotten sometimes. I talk to my mom a few times a month, but I go months with having even a two minute conversation with my dad. I'll call my dad and leave messages, but he rarely returns the call. My mother didn't start talking to me until her and my dad split. (For some reason, my mom was way partial to my younger sister.) I don't really blame them. I was a total latch-key kid and was stuck watching after my sister (only a 3 1/2 year age difference). They were both busy working full-time and going to school. So I get that they know that I'm self-sufficient. But still. Now that I'm moving even further away it kind of sucks knowing that it doesn't really bother them to go that long without getting in contact.

We were looking at moving to Burlington VT a few months ago to accept a job offer DH received. Honestly, we never even considered how his family would feel about it. Just mine. We figured his wouldn't care one bit.

 

[disneydance]

Im also a forgotten child my mom and dad never tell me anything untill after the fact and when ever we want to see them they tell me they would rather go to Reno

 

[java]

Im also a forgotten child my mom and dad never tell me anything untill after the fact and when ever we want to see them they tell me they would rather go to Reno

 

[Cindy B]

Yep, been there, done that.


I'm in college, working my tail off as a full time student, mother, wife, etc.

They never ask me about school, my grades, etc. I would have loved to told my parents that I got Dean's List last month, but honestly they wouldn't have cared.

However, my sisters kids get to spend weekends with them just because my sister is divorced. My sister also lived with them rent free for almost a year as she was getting divorced but I had to pay rent while I was still in high school.

 

[RunDanceSkate]

Another forgotten one. It bugs me sometimes but most times I just let it go. My kids are starting to notice though especially my DD10. She wanted to know why Grandma didn't give me a Bday present/card/or telephone call. How come I always call their house but they never call here, etc.

They spend hundreds of dollars for each of my unmarried siblings at Christmas time, but only $20 each on my kids and nothing for DH and I.

DD and I were talking the other day and she said she always wants me to be there for her, even going on vacations with her and her family to be. I promised her that every year I will rent a place big enough for everyone, she her brother and anyone they want to bring is welcome.

DD promised that we will have at least one weekend together every year as a girls weekend. I think that my being a forgotten child is really affecting her.

 

[Mi3stooges]

wow...I have a few tears in my eyes....I think we all have a disfunctional family in some way or another. Whether its by in-laws, or step or even natural.
I felt "forgotten" for awhile. I was pregnant 3 times, (27 months) and not ONE time did my Mom call me to see how I was feeling. I am her first child of three, then remarried a man with 5 and then they had one.
To this day it bothers me and I vow not to be like this to my children. Now that my step dad has passed (I knew him since I was about 4, now I'm 42) my mom calls me once in a blue moon (which is more than she has in the past). We will be vacationing late Sep, early Oct and early Nov.
Keep your head up and look ahead!!

 

[SplshMtn99]

wow...I have a few tears in my eyes....

Me too.

 

[Handbag Lady]

I feel your pains. I am so glad to be able to vent on a message board.

My sister is the golden child and got money and help and had child-sitting and "chauffeur service" for her kid when she was at work and all that. She even lives in a house owned by my dad and has a tiny amount of rent to pay him each month and still complains. I believe the last time I heard the amount it was a quarter of what I pay and I do not live even in a house; I have an apartment with no yard or garage and I have to collect quarters for laundry.

I, on the other hand, did let the parents pay for college but that was about it. I do try to make light of the situation when we are together and when I'm alone with my dad, we joke about how much money I am owed to make up for the difference. But then he says what he always says, she needs our help and you do not. She does not all the time and boy, let me tell you, it would be nice to have some help ($) from time to time. I don't have kids, but still, mystery money from out of the blue would be nice.

When I do talk to dad and his new family or my mom at all, I feel like I'm a stranger. I've been trying to call my mom for a few days now, and her number was disconnected. I asked my sister about it and she said her phone was not disconnected.

 

[Acklander]

DH and I live the furthest away from our families so we see them less than the others do. I've never really compared who visits the most, or who gets the most or whatever. Nothing will be exactly even, and my mom's relationship with each of her children has taken it's own path. One might get more financial help or another might be getting more emotional support at different times, but to be honest we all have different personalities and different needs. I guess what I'm saying that if you're going to be doing comparisons you're always going to feel shorted in one essence or another. For some reason people are able to recognize what they don't have more than they can recognize what they do have. I don't know why this is, but it seems to be the way, doesn't it? I guess part of being a grown up is accepting that the relationship that you have with your parents and your families won't be on the childhood level of everyone getting exactly the same amount of jelly beans. You develop your own adult relationship with your parents that has nothing to do with who is getting what. By letting go of childhood resentments and slights gives me a sense of acceptance and almost a sense of freedom. Make sense???

 

[mickeyfan2]

DH said on of the first thing that he noticed about me was that I always took the side of the downtroddened. I guess it is easy to relate to them after my upbringing.

 

[lovemygoofy]

I don't know if my husband is the forgotten one or the black listed one. I've said it a couple times on here that his family doesn't like the army life and it seems that it just doesn't meet their standards.

I am the one that makes all the phone calls to his family, other than his mother and I wouldn't mind if she forgot us for a while I dutifully call his father and leave a message once a month when my husband is gone. He hasn't ever actually returned my message. I also call his grandparents and make conversation with them though it always ends with "do you need money?" One of these days I'm going to say "no thanks our food stamps are due soon." I know I've talked about how they can't be bothered to send him birthday cards or goodie boxes but love to play the deployed loved one when it makes them look good. I honestly don't know why I still try with his family. It must be the baby pressure I love