Are we wrong for feeling slighted?

[Marseeya]

I'm sorry; I feel so whiney about all the stuff going on with DH and his family lately and just need someone to either validate what I'm (we're feeling) or tell me if we're wrong and need an attitude adjustment.

Short background in case you don't want to search for the thread where I say what happened: DH's grandfather died after being in the hospital for two weeks, and nobody told him his grandfather was there, so he didn't get to say goodbye. It was really awful for him. His mom really messed up there, but she's constantly screwing DH over, so it's just the straw that broke the camel's back, if you know what I mean.

Anyway, we busted our butts to try to get out there for the funeral (300 miles away). He wanted to get there early so he could be with his mother and the family all day (today). We got here last night and went to her house for a few hours, then this morning went over there again. Well, last night she put a movie in the DVD player and every time he tried to talk to her, someone would shush him (or me if I talked). It was pretty frustrating. Then when we left to go back to our hotel, we wanted to know if we'd be at her house all day or what she wanted us to do, and she said that we'd be on our own for the afternoon to evening because she was going to bingo and her DH was going bowling. Okay... your son just drove 300 miles to see you and you can't give up bingo for one freakin' night? Every time we visit, she does something like this. He'd mentioned maybe going to see his dad since she'll be at bingo and she got mad.

Again, he was so hurt, especially after the whole thing with his grandfather. This is all such a pattern with her and then tomorrow after the funeral when we start to go home, she's going to cry and beg and plead with him to stay longer because she never gets to see him. Then he's going to go through all kinds of guilt.

Anyway, thanks for listening to me vent. I'm just sitting in the hotel room right now missing my kids and wishing we were back home.

 

[needanewjob]

I might be tempted to consider this trip something? That something being my last to visit if this is the reception I received.

 

[Beth76]

My MIL is the same way. The last time we visited they weren't even home when we got there. We waited around for 3 hours and were on our way out the door when they came home. Then of course, when we left all we heard was "come back when you can stay longer". How about it we don't come back? I really really don't want to go there ever again, but DH has this guilt thing going on. I'm sorry you're stuck in a hotel room. But, I'd rather be there then hanging with my inlaws. I'm sorry about your DH's grandfather too.

 

[ForTheLoveofDisney]

Hugs to you. I can imagine how you're feeling. Saddly I was your husband up until about almost 1 year ago. And my husband was trying to be the voice of reason. I don't know your whole situation but in my case, my mother and I have never had a good relationship! She's always been a selfish, deceptive, manipulative, selfserving, self-centered person. Of course I couldn't see it, I always thought it was my fault and when we'd argue or when we'd go to visit she'd get on the computer for hours and leave us to just sit there or do whatever as long as it didn't involve her talking and socializing with us, or she'd leave me out of the loop yet again (kind of like your husband and his grandfather) for example when my Grandmother was sick and then died I had to hear it from my sisters I'd blame myself for not being good enough, not understanding enough. Why does it always seem we want the "love" and attention of the one who treats us the worse? My husband would always gently try to point these (unnormal, unhealthy) behaviors out to me ~"But how dare you talk about my mother like that!! You don't understand!!!"~ Oh he understood plenty because he was the outsider looking in and thankfully his family is a healthy functioning family (yes folks a small few do still exist) so he was able to see what I couldn't.

Slowly but surely I have started to see that it's not all my fault. That she is who she is and that I've got to stop letting how she treats me ruin my life. I've made the decision for the sake of my family to just be polite to her when I see her at family functions but I will in no way go out of my way to be in contact with her (and she hasn't called me either) or visit her. My life is much more peaceful . I never thought I would say that I am!

My thoughts are with you and I am so sorry for you that you have to watch this treatment of the person you love the most in your life.

 

[Aidensmom]

Wow, I am sorry. What a horrible way to be treated. I would really have a hard time ever going back.

 

[Pooh_Friend#1]

That's so sad, hang in there.

 

[jipsy]

No you're not wrong for feeling slighted at all, but you and your husband both have to realize that you are not going to change his mother's behavior.

When she starts crying and begging you to stay longer, your husband needs to say to her quietly "Mom, you didn't visit with me for the last few days while I was here; there's no reason for me to stay any longer just to sit in a hotel room. The roads run both ways, you are more than welcome to come see me." and leave it at that.

And when he gets home he needs to not feel a drop of guilt for it.

You cannot change other people; you can only change how you react to them. His mother is never going to change her ways, that is obvious. You can continue to love her, but to try and get her to give him something as an adult that she couldn't give to him as a child and is never going to give to him as an adult is futile.

My BF has a friend who is going through the same thing; he wants his father's approval and acceptance so much as an adult because he never had it as a child. He is finally beginning to see that his father just isn't capable of giving him what he wants. It hurts, but once he realizes that it is his father's shortcoming that causes this, and not his own, he'll be much better off.

And so will your husband.

 

[Marseeya]

My MIL is the same way. The last time we visited they weren't even home when we got there. We waited around for 3 hours and were on our way out the door when they came home. Then of course, when we left all we heard was "come back when you can stay longer". How about it we don't come back? I really really don't want to go there ever again, but DH has this guilt thing going on. I'm sorry you're stuck in a hotel room. But, I'd rather be there then hanging with my inlaws. I'm sorry about your DH's grandfather too.

LOL, the hotel room was my decision. I wanted to give them some time alone, so I said I wanted to go back to the hotel for a shower and a nap. I just now begged off going to eat at their house. I might sound like a complete idiot, but I got lost twice trying to find the hotel and now I don't want to brave rush hour traffic to get back there. I live in a very small town where a traffic jam means five cars sitting at a stop light, so the traffic out here is nerve wracking.

 

[Marseeya]

Hugs to you. I can imagine how you're feeling. Saddly I was your husband up until about almost 1 year ago. And my husband was trying to be the voice of reason. I don't know your whole situation but in my case, my mother and I have never had a good relationship! She's always been a selfish, deceptive, manipulative, selfserving, self-centered person. Of course I couldn't see it, I always thought it was my fault and when we'd argue or when we'd go to visit she'd get on the computer for hours and leave us to just sit there or do whatever as long as it didn't involve her talking and socializing with us, or she'd leave me out of the loop yet again (kind of like your husband and his grandfather) for example when my Grandmother was sick and then died I had to hear it from my sisters I'd blame myself for not being good enough, not understanding enough. Why does it always seem we want the "love" and attention of the one who treats us the worse? My husband would always gently try to point these (unnormal, unhealthy) behaviors out to me ~"But how dare you talk about my mother like that!! You don't understand!!!"~ Oh he understood plenty because he was the outsider looking in and thankfully his family is a healthy functioning family (yes folks a small few do still exist) so he was able to see what I couldn't.

Slowly but surely I have started to see that it's not all my fault. That she is who she is and that I've got to stop letting how she treats me ruin my life. I've made the decision for the sake of my family to just be polite to her when I see her at family functions but I will in no way go out of my way to be in contact with her (and she hasn't called me either) or visit her. My life is much more peaceful . I never thought I would say that I am!

My thoughts are with you and I am so sorry for you that you have to watch this treatment of the person you love the most in your life.

Wow, what you wrote sounds exactly like DH and his mom! I'm sorry for all the pain this has caused you and it sounds like you've got a great DH. I can totally relate to the frustration he must have felt watching you go through all that and waiting for the day you came to the realization that none of your mom's behavior was your fault. I'm still hoping with my DH. He does see it, but he's still not quite there yet as far as feeling it.

 

[Marseeya]

No you're not wrong for feeling slighted at all, but you and your husband both have to realize that you are not going to change his mother's behavior.

When she starts crying and begging you to stay longer, your husband needs to say to her quietly "Mom, you didn't visit with me for the last few days while I was here; there's no reason for me to stay any longer just to sit in a hotel room. The roads run both ways, you are more than welcome to come see me." and leave it at that.

And when he gets home he needs to not feel a drop of guilt for it.

You cannot change other people; you can only change how you react to them. His mother is never going to change her ways, that is obvious. You can continue to love her, but to try and get her to give him something as an adult that she couldn't give to him as a child and is never going to give to him as an adult is futile.

My BF has a friend who is going through the same thing; he wants his father's approval and acceptance so much as an adult because he never had it as a child. He is finally beginning to see that his father just isn't capable of giving him what he wants. It hurts, but once he realizes that it is his father's shortcoming that causes this, and not his own, he'll be much better off.

And so will your husband.

Thanks so much for your words of wisdom. For me, it's really hard sitting on the sidelines watching all this, knowing that if it had been my mom treating me this way, I would have made some changes in the relationship a long time ago. Things aren't perfect there, but I sure don't let her walk all over me either.