Appropriate behavior when in town for a funeral?

[SanFranciscan]

I must return to finish reading the responses, but I do have an opinion about this.

I don't drink at all. Going to bars has never been my idea of a good time. I would not be offended if someone went out to have a good time after the funeral of someone whom I loved. I would be more offended by someone who came to the funeral because they were ghoulish or just wanted to mooch some food. Funerals are for the living. Respect the living while attending them.

None of us are getting out of this life alive. I do not believe that anyone is obligated to carry on like their own life is over just because I died because that is the real narcissism.

 

[Kath2003]

I would never be offended by that. Grief is horrible but life doesn't stop. For some families it's the only chance the whole family actually gets together. What they do in their own time is their business. I would be upset IF I were a member of the family and IF they behaved inappropriately at the funeral or wake.

 

[shortbun]

Obviously the young set all enjoy each other's company. Their remembrance of their grandmother was at her funeral and calling hours. Otherwise, they did what they like to do and a good time was had by all. Grandmother is dead. She will not be judging them.
Although I will not deem you 'old and cranky', I will say that you might not worry so much about them.

 

[browneyes106]

My maternal grandmother died in March. The night of her funeral my relatives and I had drinks at my mom's house and we played cards and watched a movie just to relax after a stressful week. I can also relate to Handbag Lady's story. My sister's best friend lost her dad six years ago. Her dad was creamated two days later and the funeral was delayed for three days due to out of state relatives. My sis's friend was very stressed out at the time. She was her dad's oldest child. Her dad had two sons with another woman that he never married. She was in charge of planning the funeral and dealing with her dad's estate. The day before the funeral she called up my sister and me and asked if he would go to the movies with her and spend the night at her house. We went to the movies and dinner and we got back her answering machine was full and relatives were mad that she was at the movies. I felt bad for her because she only wanted a few hours of escape of what she been going through and relatives were telling her off for just going to a movie.

Like Handbag Lady said some people just need release in certain times. I do think the FB pictures is a bit weird but one of my friends post pics of him being a pallbearer at his uncle's funeral last year on FB.

 

[C.Ann]

Very common among Irish families.. (The drinking and partying - not the "dirty dancing").. My late DH's family were Irish and it was customary to drink and party after a viewing and funeral.. I was pretty shocked the first time I had to attend a funeral in his family (our viewings and funerals were very somber events and absolutely did not include drinking and partying), but once I understood it was their way of celebrating the life of the person who had passed on, I didn't find it offensive at all..

Different people, different nationalities, and different religions handle death and grieving in their own unique way.. It's not a "one-size-fits-all" situation.. Having learned that, I no longer judge..

 

[ChrizJen]

I don't think going out and having a good time is disrespectful. Everyone has a different way of dealing with grief. That's not my way, but if it's theirs, then that's OK with me. But the pics and the posting of them on Facebook went a little too far. If you need to kick back and have a few, fine. But don't rub it in the faces of those who are grieving in a more somber, private way. Keep it to yourself.

 

[m&m's mom]

I am going to say that parts of it are disrespectful.
The going out before or afterwards are great. Catching up and bonding over dinner with a possible margarita is one thing. Your depiction was more of drunken party, which IMO is disrespectful, especially gived Grandma's likely disapproval.
The posting of the pictures showing the family together- respectful
Showing the shots etc- disrespectful.

BTW- the posting of pictures showing the Great-grandkids in their sports, dance etc is fine IMO.
My Grandmother would have been happy to think we were at home with our children during special times vs going to her funeral.
If in doubt of appropriateness- think of what the deceased loved one would want.

 

[sbell111]

I think it is the posting of the photos on facebook that is really bothering me. Otherwise it would have been a matter of just knowing they went out but not knowing what went on.

Why do the pictures bother your so? Were they in some way labelled "Gram's Funeral"?

I don't generally drink, but a few years ago, I found myself in a bar with a beer in my hand. You see, my wife's aunt's funeral was earlier that day and several of the nieces and nephews (and spouses) went out to talk and hoist a few. Stories of the dear aunt were told and the cousins were able to catch up. A good time was had by all and no one disrespected the memory of their aunt.

While this was a few years before facebook 'hit', I wouldn't see pictures of us on that night to be disrespectful of the aunt's memory, nor would I if we were all a few years younger and more aggressive about our bar room activities. It's not as if we went out the night before the funeral and showed up hungover (or still drunk).