Appropriate behavior when in town for a funeral?

[ols386]

In my opinion, it shows a lack of respect. I couldn't be out partying and drinking if my grandmother had just passed away. I'd feel too sad to do that. I guess everyone deals with the death of a loved one differently.....but this isn't how I'd deal with it.

And to the OP, I don't think you are being old and cranky.

 

[Pakey]

Sorry, old and cranky. I expect my children (grown now) to go out and party after mine and if they want to post the pics, I'm okay with that.

Disrespectful is when my adult cousin went through the Taco Bell drivethru on the way to our grandmother's cemetary service and ate his crunchy tacos while holding his super sized soda at the graveside service.

 

[Micca]

Sorry, old and cranky. I expect my children (grown now) to go out and party after mine and if they want to post the pics, I'm okay with that.

Disrespectful is when my adult cousin went through the Taco Bell drivethru on the way to our grandmother's cemetary service and ate his crunchy tacos while holding his super sized soda at the graveside service.

Wow, thanks Pakey. That puts a vivid perspective on "tacky"

 

[RadioNate]

Yeah - it doesn't bother me.

It actually sounds like they were in town for a few days and on some of those days the 'cousins' went out.

Sounds pretty normal to me. As long as they weren't doing it AT the funeral, I don't care.

YMMV but I tend to not really even think about such things....or sports bras or big weddings or what ever the appropriate/inappropriate thing of the moment is.

 

[Angelhalo]

I don't see a problem at all.

 

[kpm76]

Was it an "Irish wake?" (no disrespect meant...this is what I've heard it called). My 32-year-old cousin died back in January, and apparently he'd once told his sister that he wanted an Irish wake. Because of the circumstances under which he'd died, they just had it this month. A large group of friends and family went on a bar crawl, spending pretty much the entire night going from bar to bar, having drinks at each one and dedicating each drink to Matt's memory, celebrating his life and telling their stories about him.

I was going to ask the same thing! My family is Irish Catholic and wakes and funerals are celebrations of the life the person had and the Eternal life they will now enjoy. Different families deal with death in their own way. When a family member dies, all of the younger cousins go out for Chinese food after the wake. It was a tradition started when my uncle passed away and we have kept it up. We don't all see each often and we know the family member that passed away would want us to remember the good times not the bad and take the opportunity to enjoy dinner and drinks together. My sister in law is 100% Italian and her family deals with wakes and funerals in a much more somber manner so we respect that and act accordingly.

 

[jen0610]

There has only been one time, where we "partied" after a funeral.

The father of my DH best friend/2nd cousin, had passed away. During my DH's teen years, on into adulthood including when we meet and started dating, a good part of every Friday and Saturdays was spent at this families house.

They had a finished basement, with a pool table, ping-pong table, pinball machine, stereo, poker table, and a bar. No need to be preaching about underage drinking, but we did a lot of drinking and card/pool playing in that basement for 5+ I was around. Every major holiday was spent at their house. The welcomed us young adults into their home. They had house rules that we knew we had to follow and follow we did, even when we all had hit 21+, we still followed the rules.

So, when the widow invited, at the funeral dinner, our group of friends back to the house for a Saturday night of visiting, we did. And we did, exactly what her hubby would have wanted us to do. Drank beer, listened to music, shot some pool, played Euchre, and had a good time. As DH and I were leaving, she told us that as long as her son was going to be around, we were more than welcome to come hang out and enjoy ourselves. She got all teared up, made a comment about missing this, with all of the kids grown and gone. And for the next 6 weeks, she got her wish.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

If you weren't on FB then you would not know, so you are not that old. Heck, I am not on FB.

As far as partying in town for the funeral, I would say it was done in poor taste (posting on FB) but I wouldn't really bat an eye. People grieve or share memories in their own way.

Maybe the relatives did not get an itinerary of where they should be and when. Because all the grandparent funerals we were at had one. We had to be HERE at THIS time.

 

[daisax]

I'm Irish -- that's what we do (well, have a party -- not so much dirty dancing and posting the pictures online, but maybe that's a generational thing).

We rarely get together except at weddings and funerals, and there's generally more time to socialize at a funeral than a wedding, so that's when people really catch up (especially between the weddings of one generation and the next). And we don't get morbid -- we think of good times and try to have a good time together.

Frankly, some of the best family times I've ever had have been at family funerals and wakes. I imagine that if all the "formal" ceremonies are completely somber that that would actually make people more inclined to go out separately from the crowd to loosen up. We just loosen up at the house afterwards!

 

[allison443]

Maybe they felt they showed respect by traveling to town to attend the funeral? OP you said you and your DH did not attend. I'm sure you had valid reasons and you grieved in your own way even though you did not attend the funeral.
I'm sorry for your family's loss.

 

[krcit]

Wonder if the group in question doesn't see each other/get together often and seeing everyone at the funeral made them want to go out together and reminisce or what have you?

Anyhoo...this falls into the category of, WHY does everyone care so much about what other people do when it absolutely has zero impact on them??? This is like the fourth thread this week like this (appropriate to wear a sports bra jogging, appropriate to have a big wedding if you have a kid, and so on).

They weren't urinating on grandma's headstone. They were young 20-somethings who went out together after a funeral. Nobody got into a fight and got arrested right? no DUI's? No disorderly conduct?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Maybe they felt they showed respect by traveling to town to attend the funeral? OP you said you and your DH did not attend. I'm sure you had valid reasons and you grieved in your own way even though you did not attend the funeral.
I'm sorry for your family's loss.

And you bring up a good point. If for some reason you could not attend a family funeral and then you look at FB with partying pics on family pages, that is a little insensitive.

The person was not at the service and missed out on the closeness and closure.

Waiting to post FB pics would have been a more sensitive approach to those still grieving.

 

[DisneyBlonde]

I think that might upset me, too. The part where you said they posted pictures of their partying on Facebook...if that had happened when my mom past away last year, I think I'd have been upset. No question.

 

[daisax]

So if you stay home from a funeral because your child has a big part in the school play or a playoff game in their sport ... are you allowed to post happy pictures of those events on Facebook?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

So if you stay home from a funeral because your child has a big part in the school play or a playoff game in their sport ... are you allowed to post happy pictures of those events on Facebook?

I would say you defined snarky to a "T".

 

[NC State]

I completely admit to being old and conservative. This just seems so uncalled for. This woman helped raise most of these kids and to me this is disrespetcful. Beyond the fact that this funeral trip was seen as a chance to party, but to then post photos on Facebook--where other relatives can see them-- as if it was just a great fun vacation.

DH thinks I am being old and cranky.

I agree with you...It's sad that today's youth thinks nothing of it.

 

[aprilgail2]

If you weren't on FB then you would not know, so you are not that old. Heck, I am not on FB.



LOL- my 80 year old mom and 88 year old aunt are on facebook- I consider them old LOL...

Honestly - it wouldn't bother me a bit- as long as they were not partying DURING the wake/funeral its all good.

 

[kathie859]

The partying part (it sounds like an extra-exuberant wake!) is fine. People grieve differently and this is certainly one way to de-stress

The FB thing--not such a good idea. Posting pictures online like those described is just plain dumb and the timing of the poster didn't take the feelings of the entire family into consideration. That was a bit insensitive.

 

[Handbag Lady]

I would be totally fine with it if it were my cousins partying; if were the deceased; if I were able to go to the funeral; and also if I had to stay home.

Years ago, my mom's uncle died suddenly. My mom doesn't fly and the uncle lived in Michigan and we're Los Angelenos. So, we had a week off of work and drove non-stop to Michigan to attend the services.

The son of this uncle and I are two years apart, I was 21, he was 23. The night of the funeral, he wanted to go out. Family had been getting to him, his dad just up and died, his mom was completely shut-off from the world, and his sister just had a baby so everyone was paying attention to her.

He asked me if I would drive! I said yes and we spent the entire night bar-hopping and clubbing and talking about life and death and he just let go and let everything out. All of the stress, all of the pain, etc. I think it was the best thing for him. The next day when we packed up to drive back home, he thanked me for being the coolest cousin, like, EVER. I made sure he got home safe and sound.

So, go ahead and think it is tacky, you are totally entitled. Had I not been with my cousin, I would have thought it was tacky, too, since it was the night of his dad's burial.

You just don't know who needed the release at the time.

(But the pictures on Facebook, uhm, maybe they should have just emailed them to each other instead.)

 

[denisem]

I realize everyone is different & have different expectations. So perhaps this incident would offend some.

I'm old, from a HUGE extended family and we are properly circumspect at the (thankfully) very few deaths of those before their time.

However, we fortunately come from a long-lived family. When it comes to our elders, their deaths are not only seriously grieved during the several "wake" days prior to final services - but their lives are EQUALLY celebrated at the open-bar luncheon afterward (ala Irish Wake).

OP - just a thought, but you may not have a true picture of the entire grieving process if you were not present. All you have is FB pictures.