Appropriate behavior when in town for a funeral?

[lovetoscrap]

DH's grandmother passed away a few weeks ago. We were not able to travel to the funeral, but most of the family did. This is a large family with many grandchildren and great grandchildren. I just saw photos posted on Facebook from one of the youger set of Grandchildren (late 20ish) Apparently that group of Grandchildren and their spouses spent most evening at the local bars. There are quite a few photos of them in major drinking activities, some sort of shots in syringes?, stacking large numbers of beer cans, dirty dancing, and just generally lots of laughing and drinking.

I completely admit to being old and conservative. This just seems so uncalled for. This woman helped raise most of these kids and to me this is disrespetcful. Beyond the fact that this funeral trip was seen as a chance to party, but to then post photos on Facebook--where other relatives can see them-- as if it was just a great fun vacation.

DH thinks I am being old and cranky.

 

[Tinijocaro]

Yup-old and cranky.

 

[BeachGirlFLA]

I think as long as they behaved themselves for the funeral itself, there was nothing wrong with them going out together in the evenings even to bars. They are family members who probably don't get a chance to get together all the time and this was a chance to do that. I think most of my family members (especially on my mom's side of the family) would be absolutely fine with the younger generation - in this case my cousins and myself - going out and having fun during the evenings if we were all in the same town because of a funeral.

 

[AKL_Megs]

I think that the last... oh, maybe three funerals I went to were followed by these "bar" sessions. Of course, there was the funeral, and a dinner after each of these things, and everyone was respectful, but afterwards, everyone went out in celebration of that person. Toasts are made, drinks bought with "this" or "that" memory, stories are told, and everyone celebrates living.

It just sounds like THIS celebration was at more of a club than a bar... what with the drink shots and all.

 

[ICF]

yep, you are being old and cranky.

You may not approve of their actions in general (excessive drinking / "dirty" dancing etc), but the fact that they did it while in town for a funeral shouldn't be an issue. I would guess they probably don't see each other very often and it was a chance to get together and have fun.

If they were proper at the funeral, then that is all that matters. What they do on their own time after the fact shouldnt be an issue.

 

[Micca]

Funerals are awful, I know people who won't even attend funerals. If someone can salvage some fun out of it, so be it. If they had been arrested for being drunk or out of control or something, that would NOT be cool. But sharing some pics on the internet is no big deal. Sorry about the loss of your loved one.

 

[BelleWDW]

Sounds very disrespectful to me

 

[EMom]

It's threads like these that bring out responses such as, "Who am I to judge? Maybe they had been stressed all day and were relieving the tension? We don't know all the facts."

Let me be blunt....I'll judge. It was disrespectful to the memory of your DH's grandmother. Period. Unless Grandma left specific instructions for her loved ones to go out after her funeral and party like a bunch of frat kids, the folks involved in those pics simply weren't showing a lot of deference to Grandma. Heck, why miss the chance to have a good brew or a strong shot just because she kicked the bucket? What a killjoy. (literally)

I suppose it was too much to ask for them to show a little respect for her memory and pass up the chance to pull a good drunk. So I'll say it....It sounds selfish, narcissistic and thoughtless and I'd be embarassed for one of them to be my child.

 

[Scurvy]

I don't think that there's anything wrong with them going out together in the evenings as long as they were behaving appropriately at the funeral and visitation. If they didn't have any family members as friends on Facebook then I would think the pictures were okay. (Actually I wouldn't because I think it's immature and foolish to post pictures of yourself "partying" with alcohol online, but I know many people disagree and that's for another thread.) The fact that their family members who are actually upset about the passing of the grandmother will see these pictures of them partying is what makes it extremely distasteful to me. I find it really tacky. Technically there may be nothing wrong with it, but I find it to be in very poor taste.

 

[apirateslifeforme]

Was it an "Irish wake?" (no disrespect meant...this is what I've heard it called). My 32-year-old cousin died back in January, and apparently he'd once told his sister that he wanted an Irish wake. Because of the circumstances under which he'd died, they just had it this month. A large group of friends and family went on a bar crawl, spending pretty much the entire night going from bar to bar, having drinks at each one and dedicating each drink to Matt's memory, celebrating his life and telling their stories about him.

 

[lovetoscrap]

Yup-old and cranky.

I will admit to that!

but afterwards, everyone went out in celebration of that person. Toasts are made, drinks bought with "this" or "that" memory, stories are told, and everyone celebrates living.

Grandma would NOT have wanted to have been toasted, celebrated or remembered at a bar!

Sounds very disrespectful to me

Join the old and cranky club!

 

[disykat]

I also think it's very tasteless. The only reason it could be excusable is if the deceased would have been in the middle of that party had they been alive.

Going out drinking is one thing, posting pictures of part of the family partying the night away while the others were gathering in remembrance of grandma is another.

Yes, I'm old and cranky, but I also think I'm RIGHT!

 

[diesel]

my father passed away in May and believe me, my brothers and sisters and I had a few beers after the funeral and toasted my dad. We had been under so much stress for the whole week that we all just needed a drink. I don't feel we were being disrespectful of him at all. Just being human.

 

[starann]

I can think of better ways to spend time.....however

I imagine it has been while since this whole crew has gotten together, sad that GM funeral had to be the thing to do it, but maybe now since having 'bonded' by drinking and hanging out at the bars they are closer? Trying to find a silver lining here for ya!

 

[PaddingtonBear]

I'm not a partyer so I can't really relate the bar thing.

I can relate to having fun at and after funerals, though. My family is very faithful so to us, a funeral is a celebration that the person is released from this life and has moved on to eternal life. Funerals, with the exception of a tragic death that happened to one very young member of our family, have been parties. When my mom died, I told my uncles who were officiating that I wanted it to be a Holy Gost Camp Meeting kind of funeral, not a somber service. It was, it was lovely, lots of music and rememberances. Afterwards we all went out to dinner and laughed and had a good time.

So, long story short, it just wouldn't be "me" to be all sad and sombre just becuase I'm in town for a funeral, especially someone who was that old- where it isn't a tragedy. I'd have a good time enjoying being with my family. In our family that doesn't include bars, but if it did, you know, I'd be concentrating on being with family and enjoying our short time together.

eta: yeah, putting the pics on facebook is tacky, IMO.

 

[Dancemom03]

Joining the old and cranky set here... I wouldn't be offended that they had a good time at all. Posting the pics at this time though is tacky and disrespectful IMO.

If the pics have to be posted at least wait a few months so those who are really grieving aren't confronted with them immediately to avoid any misunderstanding.

Better yet, use photobucket, do a slideshow and email the link privately to participants...

 

[Jennasis]

Wonder if the group in question doesn't see each other/get together often and seeing everyone at the funeral made them want to go out together and reminisce or what have you?

Anyhoo...this falls into the category of, WHY does everyone care so much about what other people do when it absolutely has zero impact on them??? This is like the fourth thread this week like this (appropriate to wear a sports bra jogging, appropriate to have a big wedding if you have a kid, and so on).

They weren't urinating on grandma's headstone. They were young 20-somethings who went out together after a funeral. Nobody got into a fight and got arrested right? no DUI's? No disorderly conduct?

 

[AKL_Megs]

Grandma would NOT have wanted to have been toasted, celebrated or remembered at a bar!

But aren't funerals, the dinners afterwards, and any further celebrations for the LIVING?

YOU may not like it, and posting it all over Facebook may be disrespectful, I agree, but to toast and remember over a beer in NORMAL circumstances, is very normal, especially in these parts. It was AFTER the funeral, so it seems like it was a personal celebration for THOSE who were there.

Again, posting "dirty dancing" and liquor shots in an album named "Grandma's Funeral" is in poor taste, but the ACT in NORMAL circumstances isn't.

I agree with the other who said that, under the circumstances that were - not a tragedy and a life well lived - a little celebration is acceptable.

Why does it always have to be so SAD? It is sad, but sometimes remembering with loved ones, and having the pain and stress numbed by a beer helps.

 

[Ciao Mickey]

DH's grandmother passed away a few weeks ago. We were not able to travel to the funeral, but most of the family did. This is a large family with many grandchildren and great grandchildren. I just saw photos posted on Facebook from one of the youger set of Grandchildren (late 20ish) Apparently that group of Grandchildren and their spouses spent most evening at the local bars. There are quite a few photos of them in major drinking activities, some sort of shots in syringes?, stacking large numbers of beer cans, dirty dancing, and just generally lots of laughing and drinking.

I completely admit to being old and conservative. This just seems so uncalled for. This woman helped raise most of these kids and to me this is disrespetcful. Beyond the fact that this funeral trip was seen as a chance to party, but to then post photos on Facebook--where other relatives can see them-- as if it was just a great fun vacation.

DH thinks I am being old and cranky.

No, you are not being old and cranky.

I wouldn't mind it if they hit the bars after grandma's funeral.

I would have a big problem with those pictures being posted on Facebook. That's dumb and totally disrespectful to granny and wouldn't fly in my family.

 

[lovetoscrap]

I think it is the posting of the photos on facebook that is really bothering me. Otherwise it would have been a matter of just knowing they went out but not knowing what went on.