apologizing for not inviting someone

[ez]

A friend apologized to me for not inviting us to a small party she had. She is a neighbor, and a close friend, who we entertain (with her hubby)at our house all the time, with really no reciprocation, not that I'm keeping score at all, I'm not, but I was kinda shocked that when she finally did entertain we weren't included. I was very nice when she told me about the party and definitely acted on the phone like absolutely nothing was wrong, but the next time we talked she apologized for not inviting us. Somehow the apology made me feel worse about it, because it showed me that it had been a calculated decision on her part not to invite us...does that make sense? I don't know that I've ever had to apologize for not inviting someone, just was interested in your thoughts. I happened to see someone post on her facebook wall about the party, I'm wondering if she had thought I wouldnt know about it. Again, I never mentioned anything but she told me about it herself, but I'm guessing she assumed I'd seen the post on her wall and had to come clean.

 

[bellarella]

Sorry, I don't see the issue, unless you are keeping score. If that is the case and it bothers you that you always host, you should decrease the invitations you extend until you are comfortable with the effort you are expending.

If she was hosting a party then a lot of factors probably went into the guest list. First, it may not have been entirely her idea to host, so the guest list might not have been totally in her control. Second, if it was a small get together, the line needs to be drawn somewhere.

My guess is that if she apologized, she was feeling bad that when she did host something she didn't invite you because she knows that you do most of the hosting. But for small get togethers, it doesn't make sense to make the list on the basis of who you "owe" but rather on who else is going to be there.

As for the rest, honestly, it sounds like your feelings were hurt and you are looking for ways to justify that by reading further bad intent into her actions (that she got "caught" or was trying to hide it until it was on FB). You don't need to justify hurt feelings by making her actions worse than the were probably intended. It is normal to feel a twinge of hurt when you aren't included in something. But it doesn't make her actions wrong and there is no need to look for fault. Acknowledge the feeling, adjust your invitations if you feel taken advantage of, and then move on.

 

[ez]

great reply and perspective, thanks so much!

 

[kirstenb1]

I understand what you're saying. Maybe the party was for family, or church, or a club, or some other type of small "group". Anyway, if she apologized, then I'd just move on.

 

[Swan4Me]

So what was her reason?

WE have very good friends who host at their weekend lake house ALL the time-its a quick 45 min from our house. Her DH really doesnt like to come to our house he prefers us hanging while we bar-b-q and watch everyone in their boats etc at his place-and when the kids were young-they had a BALL there.

I dont think she ever feels we havent reciprocated-because thier place really is better for entertaining (and i always chip in for food etc)

 

[miralys]

I've never needed an explanation for inclusion or exclusion from any event. I figure it's none of my business. I never account for my own decisions when I hold gatherings. There are so many factors involved when you host a gathering, and I never take it personally.

It sounds like she felt bad about it and wanted to get it off her chest. If I were you, I would accept whatever feelings I have about the situation, find a way to deal with them, and move on. No need for score-keeping. Life is too short for that. Do whatever makes the most sense for you.

 

[Hillbeans]

I understand what you're saying. Maybe the party was for family, or church, or a club, or some other type of small "group". Anyway, if she apologized, then I'd just move on.

Agreed...sometimes it's easier to limit the guest list on small parties, depending on the interests and reason for the get-together (work friends, old high-school friends, common interest).

I'd only be upset about it if the neighbor invited the entire neighborhood and not me.

 

[ez]

The reason she gave was that my son was in town and she figured we wouldn't want to come. That doesn't really make sense to me as we communicate a few times a week and are very close so it would have been very easy to say, I know E is in town, but I'm having a small party in case you even want to stop for a drink (they live 2 houses down)I knew everybody who was attending the party except for one person, it was just a few couples, it wasnt neighbors but it wasnt church or anything. I had just had them over for dinner a few nights before so she could have mentioned it then.

I have basically always included her in almost every event we have at our house, and they want to be included, they are like family. But I do agree that now this frees me up not to feel so compelled to have them over all the time and include them in everything, so I guess thats a good thing cause she can be a handful sometimes!

 

[Andtototoo]

People generally don't apologize unless they believe they did something wrong. She knows she did wrong by making your decision for you about the party-- that's quite presumptuous.

I'd file it away under the heading of, "Clear picture of this person." I'd also feel less obligated to invite her to my events in the future.

 

[ez]

great point andtototoo, I guess thats how Im feeling

 

[SLK1]

I completely understand how you feel, on all points!!! I'm super-sensitive, so when I don't get invited to something, it hurts, but then bringing it up again with the apology is hurtful all over again! I would say allow yourself to feel however you feel (whether it's hurt or resentful or just a little baffled) and those feelings will go away. No one can tell you "get over it" or "it shouldn't bother you". If it does, it does, and it doesn't have to be the right or wrong feeling. You'll get over it in your own time and until then, allow yourself to be mad or sad or whatever. I'm sure your friendship won't suffer from it.

 

[shortbun]

I would say that the reason she gave was a good one, she thought, at first. Then as she really started to think about it, she wished she'd invited you so she apologized. I'd say she's a fairly good friend for bringing it up and apologizing. Let it go.

 

[mickeygirl14]

I have a neighbor/good friend that something similar has happened with...for me, it was more of a feeling that I thought we were better friends than apparently she thought we were. That hurt a bit, but it's not her fault. Took me a little while to just be hurt, but I eventually concluded, like you, that I didn't need to feel so compelled to entertain her and her family and include them in so many things with our family. It actually was a bit of a relief...I still love to see them and we talk, but I don't feel the need to cook dinner for them or invite them over so much.

 

[cluvsdisney]

People generally don't apologize unless they believe they did something wrong. She knows she did wrong by making your decision for you about the party-- that's quite presumptuous.

I'd file it away under the heading of, "Clear picture of this person." I'd also feel less obligated to invite her to my events in the future.

This is exactly what I was thinking when I read the OP. It wouldn't change what I would do in the future. I wouldn't hold it against her since she did apologize but it would sting for a bit since I don't like it when people make decisions for me.